Comment from Candis

Average

First off, since I don't know the rules of this contest, I'm not sure I'm rating this correctly. There is no flow to your story. Each sentence seems to have it's own life and story. Maybe it was meant to be written that way and if so, I'm sorry. The story just did not grab my attention and keep me satisfied as a reader. If I am correct, I would rewrite it with more feeling by closing your eyes and using your imagination, writing down everything as you move through your magical world. Then rewrite it.

 Comment Written 26-Jul-2009

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reply by the author on 28-Jul-2009

Thanks for your comments. - Thesis

Comment from Arkine

Excellent

Short, but it held a lot of intrest anyway. It didn't require a lot of detail either, most of us can imagine what the scenes looked like. No need for gory details, or long sex scenes. I liked it. :)

 Comment Written 26-Jul-2009

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reply by the author on 28-Jul-2009

Thanks Arkine. I'm glad you enjoyed it. I wanted to keep it short and to the point and let the reader's imagination guide them where they wanted to go with it. - Thesis

Comment from Zaphod

Excellent

Great job on this. Really vivid. The whole battle scene, followed by the tranquility of the bedroom really came through. I personally don't think there needs to be a graphic warning on this.
Don't have any suggestions.
Keep up the good work.
Z

 Comment Written 26-Jul-2009

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reply by the author on 28-Jul-2009

Thanks Zaphod. I'm glad you enjoyed it. I thought it was better to be safe by posting it that way. - Thesis

Comment from Starcruiser

Excellent

Nice work of short mature fantasy/fiction. The sexual content quite was subtle. I don't think it would offend ... but I guess it's better to play it on the safe side ...Lol KG

 Comment Written 25-Jul-2009

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reply by the author on 28-Jul-2009

Hi Starcruiser, Thanks for your review and comments. Yeah, it was mild, but some get offended. - Thesis

Comment from storymama

Excellent

Your story is very well written. I did not see any errors and have no suggestions to improve it in any way. I like the way she was able to dissolve the enemy's lance and good was victorious. God bless you. storymama

 Comment Written 24-Jul-2009

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reply by the author on 28-Jul-2009

Hi Storymama. Thanks for your kind remarks. It was good to have a heroine to the rescue. - Thesis

reply by storymama on 24-Aug-2009

I like that, too. Blessings, storymama

Comment from sibhus

Excellent

Great story. A little fast and loose with your Templar facts, but it's a story right ha ha ha. Gave a nice visual feel and your queen sounds hot. I would say mild as opposed to mature graphic material, but what works, works. Good read , good luck with the contest.

 Comment Written 24-Jul-2009

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reply by the author on 28-Jul-2009

Hi Sibhus. Yeah, the Templar facts were pretty much missing. Yeah hot and with magical ability, good combination. Thanks for reading. - Thesis

Comment from marion

Excellent

Hi Thesis
The story is charming and well written. Kept simple, it has a good voice, and good flow. So easy and smooth to read. I like the end line tying it all together. It gives the story its strength. I enjoyed, Good Luck in the contest. Marion.

 Comment Written 24-Jul-2009

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reply by the author on 24-Jul-2009

Hi Marion, Thanks so much for the execellent review. I 'm glad you liked the story. - Thesis

Comment from Wild Flower

Excellent

Its got a beautiful fairy tale like quality to it. Or maybe King Arthur-like. You have a nice writing style that flows well and easily read. That's a gift.

 Comment Written 24-Jul-2009

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reply by the author on 24-Jul-2009

Thank you so much for your kind review, Wild Flower. I tried for the King-Arthur flavour. I'm totally into that era - per my book on the Scottish Knights. Thanks. - Thesis

Comment from Kingsland

Excellent

this piece has a tangle of good vocabulary weaved in though a very good story telling. I have nothing in the way to suggest for this well written piece.This was pleasure to have written a review for it... John

 Comment Written 23-Jul-2009

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reply by the author on 23-Jul-2009

Thanks John. I'm glad you enjoyed the story. Thanks for an excellent review. - Thesis

Comment from Phil Kitom

Excellent

An excellent short story that doesn't
waste time with lots of unnecessary
words that detract from the tale.
I enjoyed reading this and was please
to see your adult rating for this even
though the material was limited in its
adult nature. It still showed respect
for other readers well done.....

 Comment Written 23-Jul-2009

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reply by the author on 23-Jul-2009

Thank you Phil. I think it's better to allow people a choice to read if the appropriate warnings are there. I appreciate your revoew and comments. - Thesis