Searching
a young boy's desperate search for a father's love16 total reviews
Comment from babylonia
i know you will do the story of your brother with justice. this is nicely done as well. it's so difficult when children are forgotten by their parents. sigh. imagery is excellent. good luck~
love,
barbara
reply by the author on 27-Dec-2009
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i know you will do the story of your brother with justice. this is nicely done as well. it's so difficult when children are forgotten by their parents. sigh. imagery is excellent. good luck~
love,
barbara
Comment Written 27-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 27-Dec-2009
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Thank you very much. Encouragement is always appreciated, as is the excellent review. Thanks for reading.
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you are very welcome~
love,
barbara
Comment from redrider6612
This was pretty good, though I think it doesn't comply with the prompt requirement that it be a child's perspective of a situation. It is sad when a father doesn't give his children the attention they need.
One nit:
Only ten years, old he--delete comma
Best wishes in the contest.
reply by the author on 27-Dec-2009
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This was pretty good, though I think it doesn't comply with the prompt requirement that it be a child's perspective of a situation. It is sad when a father doesn't give his children the attention they need.
One nit:
Only ten years, old he--delete comma
Best wishes in the contest.
Comment Written 27-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 27-Dec-2009
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Thanks for taking the time to read and comment. I went back to check and the instructions say, "The story may be told from the viewpoint of the child, or an adult." I am the adult telling the story of my brother. You are the first to say the story doesn't comply.
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I stand corrected--I wasn't sure, which is why I said "I think"--and I apologize.
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I didn't mean to sound defensive. I did enter one contest and did not realize that my entry wasn't consistent with the instructions and wanted to make sure I did not make that mistake again. Thanks for writing me.
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You didn't, at all. You are certainly within your rights to respectfully point out a reviewer's error. I'm glad you pointed out my error.
Comment from Luvs2rite4u
How wonderfully written and showed the reader raw emotions, and captivated by your style, and stories.
You have a wonderful gift. I was so mesermized how you showed your readers the affects a parent has on a child.
Great Job! Nothing to change. Again, wonderfully written.
reply by the author on 27-Dec-2009
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How wonderfully written and showed the reader raw emotions, and captivated by your style, and stories.
You have a wonderful gift. I was so mesermized how you showed your readers the affects a parent has on a child.
Great Job! Nothing to change. Again, wonderfully written.
Comment Written 27-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 27-Dec-2009
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Thank you for this excellent review and you encouraging words. I am glad you liked this story.
Comment from Mastery
Great idea for a story, writer. However, you have overdone it, I believe. Instead of this laundry list of events in the boy's life to seek his father's attention...just concentrate on one good incident through the boy's eyes. I think you will do far better that way. A couple of other suggestions, if I may:
"Mark desperately wanted his father to notice him. He didn't want to get into trouble all the time; he was just begging for his dad's eye. He wasn't hateful or mean spirited; he wasn't stupid or clumsy, just starving to be recognized as a boy loved by his father." (Repetitive...same thought twice.)
"At the ripe old age of eight and in the fourth grade" (too cliche)
Good luck in the contest...
reply by the author on 27-Dec-2009
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Great idea for a story, writer. However, you have overdone it, I believe. Instead of this laundry list of events in the boy's life to seek his father's attention...just concentrate on one good incident through the boy's eyes. I think you will do far better that way. A couple of other suggestions, if I may:
"Mark desperately wanted his father to notice him. He didn't want to get into trouble all the time; he was just begging for his dad's eye. He wasn't hateful or mean spirited; he wasn't stupid or clumsy, just starving to be recognized as a boy loved by his father." (Repetitive...same thought twice.)
"At the ripe old age of eight and in the fourth grade" (too cliche)
Good luck in the contest...
Comment Written 27-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 27-Dec-2009
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Thank you for your review.
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Thank you for your review.
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LOL..You are welcome. hope I didn't upset you? :)
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Not at all. I try to learn from everyone who writes a review. I am a novice at this and want to do my best work. Sometimes I have to digest what a reviewer says and then see if I could/should apply it to the piece. Thanks
Comment from CCasetta
I'm sorry to hear of the loss of your brother and for his difficulties throughout his childhood. Your story has captured very well that which children do seek, and, you're right, so much of that attention is negative just to get noticed. You tell it succinctly and with just enough details in each episode to tell your brother's story. I think this wold make a very good book, and an excellent contest entry. Good luck. --Curt
reply by the author on 27-Dec-2009
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I'm sorry to hear of the loss of your brother and for his difficulties throughout his childhood. Your story has captured very well that which children do seek, and, you're right, so much of that attention is negative just to get noticed. You tell it succinctly and with just enough details in each episode to tell your brother's story. I think this wold make a very good book, and an excellent contest entry. Good luck. --Curt
Comment Written 27-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 27-Dec-2009
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Thank you very much for your review of this piece. Thank you too for the encouragement you offered for writing the book.
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Thank you very much for your review of this piece. Thank you too for the encouragement you offered for writing the book.
Comment from Begin Again
It is a terrible tragedy when parents for what ever reason neglect their children..not necessarily by not providing a roof over their head or food...but by not giving of themselves to their children...Quality time is the most value asset you can give a child...
CArol
reply by the author on 27-Dec-2009
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It is a terrible tragedy when parents for what ever reason neglect their children..not necessarily by not providing a roof over their head or food...but by not giving of themselves to their children...Quality time is the most value asset you can give a child...
CArol
Comment Written 27-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 27-Dec-2009
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Thank you for taking the time to read and comment. I appreciate the excellent review as well.
Comment from gene_ink
A very interesting story. It suffers, I think, from shortness that might have put some depth to the story. Some suggestions follow:
Nice clean up.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 27-Dec-2009
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A very interesting story. It suffers, I think, from shortness that might have put some depth to the story. Some suggestions follow:
Nice clean up.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 27-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 27-Dec-2009
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Thank you for your honest critique. I struggle to keep my writing tight and avoiding the use of passive words and phrases. I can't even identify them sometimes. Thanks again.
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I have rewritten this story a bit and tried to implement some of the suggestions you made. If you have a moment would you mind looking at it again? Thank you for whatever time you have for this. -J
Comment from jayesnb
Excellent story here, Its so true and it is a shame that it happens this way. A thought provoking story with future ramifications. Great job.
reply by the author on 27-Dec-2009
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Excellent story here, Its so true and it is a shame that it happens this way. A thought provoking story with future ramifications. Great job.
Comment Written 27-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 27-Dec-2009
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Thank you for the excellent review.
Comment from Belinda
What a sad story. How can a father be so indifferent to his own son? It makes me wonder, who knows there are many kids like Mark, who end up being criminals just to catch his parents' attention. This is a sad situation indeed, and you have narrated it very well.
reply by the author on 27-Dec-2009
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What a sad story. How can a father be so indifferent to his own son? It makes me wonder, who knows there are many kids like Mark, who end up being criminals just to catch his parents' attention. This is a sad situation indeed, and you have narrated it very well.
Comment Written 27-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 27-Dec-2009
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Thanks for the encouraging words and the excellent rating.
Comment from Jnetgame
Excellent story filled with emotion. I hope you will write a book about your brother. I think it will be one many can relate to. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 27-Dec-2009
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Excellent story filled with emotion. I hope you will write a book about your brother. I think it will be one many can relate to. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 26-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 27-Dec-2009
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Thank you for the excellent review and for the encouragement to write the book.