The Battle On Teewinot Range
Two stallions fight for dominance18 total reviews
Comment from CALLAHANMR
1. An eagle rode the updrafts almost a mile above the band of mustangs grazing the coming grass of the mountainside. Below him, the shaggy mares grazed the new growth, ignoring the antics of the yearlings who were busy testing their legs, flying along in bursts of speed up and down the length of the huge meadows. {What absolutely perfect visual imagery.}
2. He soon took leave, there were cattle to tend and he had seen [sign ==> signs] of a grizzly too.{A typo?)
3. Sighing, Calvin gently nudged his colt into a slow lope as they headed back to the branding [sight ==> site]. {Another typo?}
4. The crew had gotten used to their [friends ==> friend's] short excursions off to himself. {Possessive form needed.}
5. The new method of [cold ==> freeze] branding was in place, so they had no need of a fire these days. {The term freeze branding is more common.}
6. Calvin splashed icy water onto his face and the cold hit him like a [north] wind from the North Pole. {The first north should be deleted. It is redundant.}
Your description of the battle between the stallions is outstanding. I love the setting on Mt. Teewinot. The Grand Teton National Park is one of the most magnificent spots in all of North America. I first camped out there in 1957. I even saw some of the wild horses.
Great job with just a few nits to correct. Give yourself another big Irish hug.
Roger
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2010
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1. An eagle rode the updrafts almost a mile above the band of mustangs grazing the coming grass of the mountainside. Below him, the shaggy mares grazed the new growth, ignoring the antics of the yearlings who were busy testing their legs, flying along in bursts of speed up and down the length of the huge meadows. {What absolutely perfect visual imagery.}
2. He soon took leave, there were cattle to tend and he had seen [sign ==> signs] of a grizzly too.{A typo?)
3. Sighing, Calvin gently nudged his colt into a slow lope as they headed back to the branding [sight ==> site]. {Another typo?}
4. The crew had gotten used to their [friends ==> friend's] short excursions off to himself. {Possessive form needed.}
5. The new method of [cold ==> freeze] branding was in place, so they had no need of a fire these days. {The term freeze branding is more common.}
6. Calvin splashed icy water onto his face and the cold hit him like a [north] wind from the North Pole. {The first north should be deleted. It is redundant.}
Your description of the battle between the stallions is outstanding. I love the setting on Mt. Teewinot. The Grand Teton National Park is one of the most magnificent spots in all of North America. I first camped out there in 1957. I even saw some of the wild horses.
Great job with just a few nits to correct. Give yourself another big Irish hug.
Roger
Comment Written 14-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2010
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Hi Roger! Wow. and thank you so much! I jotted down these things and fixed them? I was out there in the sixties as a kid. I think I was nine...and have loved it all my life. We saw bear, elk and lots of breathtaking scenery...I have only seen the wild horses once, and they were gone in an instant. On a ranch owned by a real rancher named Brock. Wilder than the other animals. My Dad said it was because the ranchers were always shooting them. He tried to catch a foal for me, and they could not get close enough. It is the thought tho, that counts, and later he got me a Shetland pony who was mean as a snake...but I learned to ride? Ha. Thank you Roger, your help and review are very positive and do keep me trying! Susan
Comment from E.P. Thomas
Hi, Su,
I admire the range of topics and length you are able to attain in your writing. You move between haiku to flash to traditional length short stories with ease.
Although this is a traditional length story, it's still important that you use words carefully so they do what it is you want and need them to do. I found the beginning full of great imagery, but I also found it quite lengthy. Steinbeck wrote long descriptive passages this. Long descriptive passages are difficult because of the lack of character involvement. It's some really nice writing, but I think it can be shortened some without losing anything of value to the storyline.
Dialect in dialogue has a definite place in fiction, so don't let someone tell you it doesn't. It's a definite asset when it comes to developing characters, especially their education and social backgrounds. Where the use of dialect can be lethal to story is when it's overused, overdone, or out of character. The best method for seeing whether dialect has been overdone is to read it aloud to yourself. Another measure is when readers begin complaining about intelligibilty. The most important thing is to not let it blow the fictional dream you're creating by making a reader very much aware of the author's presence. For the most part, I think you used dialect exceptionally well. Most of us drop the g on particples and verbs of being, so don't let someone make you believe your characters have to speak the King's English to be believable. That's just downright silly.
Do some tightening when you edit by making every word count and get your characters, even if it's a ground hog, become involved in those descriptive passages. In the Grapes of Wrath, Steinbeck took at least a 1000 wrds to describe a desert turtle crossing a road.
You write well.
g
reply by Anonymous Member on 14-Nov-2010
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Hi, Su,
I admire the range of topics and length you are able to attain in your writing. You move between haiku to flash to traditional length short stories with ease.
Although this is a traditional length story, it's still important that you use words carefully so they do what it is you want and need them to do. I found the beginning full of great imagery, but I also found it quite lengthy. Steinbeck wrote long descriptive passages this. Long descriptive passages are difficult because of the lack of character involvement. It's some really nice writing, but I think it can be shortened some without losing anything of value to the storyline.
Dialect in dialogue has a definite place in fiction, so don't let someone tell you it doesn't. It's a definite asset when it comes to developing characters, especially their education and social backgrounds. Where the use of dialect can be lethal to story is when it's overused, overdone, or out of character. The best method for seeing whether dialect has been overdone is to read it aloud to yourself. Another measure is when readers begin complaining about intelligibilty. The most important thing is to not let it blow the fictional dream you're creating by making a reader very much aware of the author's presence. For the most part, I think you used dialect exceptionally well. Most of us drop the g on particples and verbs of being, so don't let someone make you believe your characters have to speak the King's English to be believable. That's just downright silly.
Do some tightening when you edit by making every word count and get your characters, even if it's a ground hog, become involved in those descriptive passages. In the Grapes of Wrath, Steinbeck took at least a 1000 wrds to describe a desert turtle crossing a road.
You write well.
g
Comment Written 14-Nov-2010
reply by Anonymous Member on 14-Nov-2010
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Hi there!! I am very grateful for this review. I really tried to edit this, and still had some problems. I have gone back and removed some "flowery" words? And fixed other suggestions too. I also tried to make the fellas "talk" like I have heard them when I was out west. Of course, I was only nine, and memories fade. I can't tell you how much your comments help me to keep trying. I wish you a happy Sunday g. Susan
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Hey, Su, what's going on. Your reply came back as being sent by an Anonymous Member. I'm serious. Did you forget to pay your bill, or is this a contest entry? lol g
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Hi! No, it's just something I wrote, no contest? I have had this before? I am not due to pay again until December? I will ask Tom. Who knows...I sure feel anonymous tho! Lol...S.
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Don't let the occassional bombastic review get you down.
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Hi there ! I will try. It does tho, deep down. I know we have to develop the "thick skin" syndrome. OH! You will be proud of me, that guy ask to put another one of my stories in his publication "LittleWords"...I am happy, it's a start? Hopefully. G, thank you for all your help and support. Hug.s.
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Take advice for what it's worth to you and leave the rest behind. Great news. Another published story. Be sure to let Ted T know. I'm sure he'll be so proud of you too. g
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You are the only one I mentionded it to...both times. It's not a big deal really. Just a thing in a restaurant. I should not take it to heart, it's not a paying gig. lol. S.
Comment from Rama Rao
As I wrote in my earlier reviews, I'm an admirer of horses and stories of horse. I, therefore, read with great interest and was happy to note the old stallion won the battle against the younger roan. I'm 72 and I wish I could win battles against the younger lot.
However, I found this piece needed some editing.
As white as snow, the stallion stood in all its glory that belied its years. Using passive voice, you robbed the stallion of its show.
2. They grazed eagerly on the new grass;
3.binoculars;
4. as he counted the mares.
5.He had heart and couldn't believe- delete he had heart, it is implied.
6.big was dead, but- delete the comma here.
7 spirit;.
8.left, and the day was done.
9.hooves together
And so on. Kindly edit it for punctuation and other spags to make it really interesting.
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2010
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As I wrote in my earlier reviews, I'm an admirer of horses and stories of horse. I, therefore, read with great interest and was happy to note the old stallion won the battle against the younger roan. I'm 72 and I wish I could win battles against the younger lot.
However, I found this piece needed some editing.
As white as snow, the stallion stood in all its glory that belied its years. Using passive voice, you robbed the stallion of its show.
2. They grazed eagerly on the new grass;
3.binoculars;
4. as he counted the mares.
5.He had heart and couldn't believe- delete he had heart, it is implied.
6.big was dead, but- delete the comma here.
7 spirit;.
8.left, and the day was done.
9.hooves together
And so on. Kindly edit it for punctuation and other spags to make it really interesting.
Comment Written 13-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2010
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Hi there Ramarao!! Yes, you did! And I am happy to hear from you again! I have tried to re edit this, and fix people's suggestions. I will jot yours down and look again! I really appreciate your time to do this review for me!! I did try to catch everything, but always fail somehow!! I think us older ones have it "all over" the young generation...of course I am "prejudice"...lol. Thank you again!! Happy Sunday Ramarao! Susan
Comment from Ted T
Hi Susan :)
I have to give you a "fiver" because I'm confused with this piece.
Did you write it or is it something you're quoting from. You seem to be connecting it with some other author?
If it is all yours, you still can't get away from a character who has to drop "g" from words in dialogue and says "ta" for "to" and other country-type speech.
The piece also goes from a long opening narrative of "telling" to dialogue exchanges back to "sweeping" narrative most of which is also "telling."
You're going to have to develop a "style" and stay with it.
I can't keep up with all these shifts in your writing. It's hard to critique you anymore.
Ted
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2010
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Hi Susan :)
I have to give you a "fiver" because I'm confused with this piece.
Did you write it or is it something you're quoting from. You seem to be connecting it with some other author?
If it is all yours, you still can't get away from a character who has to drop "g" from words in dialogue and says "ta" for "to" and other country-type speech.
The piece also goes from a long opening narrative of "telling" to dialogue exchanges back to "sweeping" narrative most of which is also "telling."
You're going to have to develop a "style" and stay with it.
I can't keep up with all these shifts in your writing. It's hard to critique you anymore.
Ted
Comment Written 13-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2010
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Hi Ted, Yes, this is all my work? I wrote a story a while back, "The Horseman" that was published in a paper in Montana, my payment for it was an ad for my art. It was a take off from "Lonesome Pines" and so on. All three of these are "connected". And all my writing. I thought of making it a book. But I don't know! SO sorry for the confusion! I need to be more clear! ") Susan
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Okay, it was a good read :)
Comment from Begin Again
Susan,
Wow..Your imagery is excellent in this story. The reader can visualize every moment and your dialogue carries the story well. I;m excited to see the many different anvenues you are taking lately. Always entertaining and enjoyable.
Smiles, CArol
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2010
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Susan,
Wow..Your imagery is excellent in this story. The reader can visualize every moment and your dialogue carries the story well. I;m excited to see the many different anvenues you are taking lately. Always entertaining and enjoyable.
Smiles, CArol
Comment Written 13-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2010
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I am very honored Carol, to have you like this! I am so grateful for your encouraging comments, and am always so tickled to hear from you!! Hope you are having a great weekend! xoxo.Susan
Comment from missy98writer
Susan,
I enjoyed your extremely well written story titled The Battle On Teewinot Range. Terrific narrative and superb descriptive writing cap off your story. In your story you managed to established a setting, conflict, and a resolution to your story. The photo of the horse is beautiful. This line conjured up a violent image of the stallion killing the young horse: "t was over, but the victor, his white coat red with blood, took the three year old down and like battering rams, his front hooves crushed the young horses skull into a pulp of brain and bone. He didn't stop until there was nothing left." Wow, awesome story about the violence in nature that mimicking how mankind acts. I have to give you a "Virtual Six" my friend because I have no sixes. Keep up the outstanding writing, my friend.
Melissa.
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2010
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Susan,
I enjoyed your extremely well written story titled The Battle On Teewinot Range. Terrific narrative and superb descriptive writing cap off your story. In your story you managed to established a setting, conflict, and a resolution to your story. The photo of the horse is beautiful. This line conjured up a violent image of the stallion killing the young horse: "t was over, but the victor, his white coat red with blood, took the three year old down and like battering rams, his front hooves crushed the young horses skull into a pulp of brain and bone. He didn't stop until there was nothing left." Wow, awesome story about the violence in nature that mimicking how mankind acts. I have to give you a "Virtual Six" my friend because I have no sixes. Keep up the outstanding writing, my friend.
Melissa.
Comment Written 13-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2010
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Hi to one of my favorite fans and writers! It's the thought that counts Melissa, and I know you are sincere too. Your review is so encouraging. I can't tell you how much it means to me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I hope you are having a great weekend my friend. Luv to you. Susan
Comment from dportwood
Realist101,
Truly a great, spellbinding read complete with outstanding descriptions and realistic dialogue. Enjoyable and well done.
You may want to edit this:
A [rouge] stallion was a menace to everyone's herds.
should be [rogue}
Duane
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2010
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Realist101,
Truly a great, spellbinding read complete with outstanding descriptions and realistic dialogue. Enjoyable and well done.
You may want to edit this:
A [rouge] stallion was a menace to everyone's herds.
should be [rogue}
Duane
Comment Written 13-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2010
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Hi Duane~ Thank you SO very much~! I very much appreciate your kind words of help and encouragment! I will fix the misspell now, and thank you very much for reading this for me Duane. Susan
Comment from Juliette Chamberlain
The imagery you paint is so effective, that I could almost smell that new grass.
As you show the seasonal work demands of the ranch, the centre of this chapter seems to be the handsome white stallion and his determination to protect his herd and sire the season's foals. The fight was 'wild' in many senses and the outcome reflects that nature is indeed 'raw in tooth and claw.'
'Below him the shaggy mares grazed the new growth greedily...' This might read a little smoother thus:
'Below him the shaggy mares greedily grazed the new growth...'
'(Afterall) After all, his friend and partner...'
I like how the men finally decided to leave the wild stallion to his own devices!
Juliette
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2010
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The imagery you paint is so effective, that I could almost smell that new grass.
As you show the seasonal work demands of the ranch, the centre of this chapter seems to be the handsome white stallion and his determination to protect his herd and sire the season's foals. The fight was 'wild' in many senses and the outcome reflects that nature is indeed 'raw in tooth and claw.'
'Below him the shaggy mares grazed the new growth greedily...' This might read a little smoother thus:
'Below him the shaggy mares greedily grazed the new growth...'
'(Afterall) After all, his friend and partner...'
I like how the men finally decided to leave the wild stallion to his own devices!
Juliette
Comment Written 13-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2010
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Hi Juliette! Thank you very much for this great help and rating too! I will correct these asap! I really appreciate your time to read this for me...your review has been very helpful and encouraging! Susan
Comment from Carrie Smith
Hi there. I enjoyed this story. I tend not to read long pieces, but this one held my interest as you told a story of the world of a the western way of live. Great descriptive words add a great deal of imagery. Great write, my friend!...Susan XOX
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2010
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Hi there. I enjoyed this story. I tend not to read long pieces, but this one held my interest as you told a story of the world of a the western way of live. Great descriptive words add a great deal of imagery. Great write, my friend!...Susan XOX
Comment Written 13-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2010
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Hi Susan! Thank you! I am thrilled that you read this for me! I know it's a bit long, so your time is extra appreciated!! That picture is so neat! Good old Photobucket! ") WE ARE GETTING SOME RAIN!!! NOT real heavy, but it's really raining some! Just a steady medium rain...Wow. Thank you again Suz!! HUGS !! S.
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I'm so glad I read that story - it was good! Yea!! you're getting rain. Big hugs to you sweet girl...Susan
Comment from Lon Frank
Good story, Susan, and a good telling of it. The pace was quick and yet had time to set well-described scenes with believable characters.
Some things to watch:
Several times you misused the contraction 'it's'. ("stringing it's hooves together and the brand came down on it's flank.") This was and is and common error in my own writing, so I now watch for it.
Also, several times you left out the apostrophe needed to show possession - horses instead of horse's ("pain from a horses strike.")
These things are just typos, and have little to do with actually writing. However, I've learned that clean grammar is a sign of respect for your own work.
More worrisome is a habit we all suffer from a little. The overuse of descriptive words, I think, must have been instilled in us somewhere in grade school, where old Mrs. Snapdragon urged us to be more wordy. In your first paragraph, you fell victim to her old curse:
-playful antics of the yearlings - is 'playful' necessary?
-exuberant bursts of speed - 'exuberant' necessary?
-expansive length of the huge meadows. - 'expansive'?
See what I mean? Three examples right off, where they alert the reader that this may be a long and wordy read. Indicative of an amateur author. Once you got into the story, you lost this unnecessary wording, and just painted the scenes with shorter brush strokes. I have forced myself to use much shorter sentences to break my own wordiness habit, so perhaps you should just look for this in your next works.
Hope this helps. I have received a lot of critical reviews on FS, and still find them greatly helpful in learning the craft. Just remember, no one would bother to critique your work, if they don't see something better in the writer.
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2010
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Good story, Susan, and a good telling of it. The pace was quick and yet had time to set well-described scenes with believable characters.
Some things to watch:
Several times you misused the contraction 'it's'. ("stringing it's hooves together and the brand came down on it's flank.") This was and is and common error in my own writing, so I now watch for it.
Also, several times you left out the apostrophe needed to show possession - horses instead of horse's ("pain from a horses strike.")
These things are just typos, and have little to do with actually writing. However, I've learned that clean grammar is a sign of respect for your own work.
More worrisome is a habit we all suffer from a little. The overuse of descriptive words, I think, must have been instilled in us somewhere in grade school, where old Mrs. Snapdragon urged us to be more wordy. In your first paragraph, you fell victim to her old curse:
-playful antics of the yearlings - is 'playful' necessary?
-exuberant bursts of speed - 'exuberant' necessary?
-expansive length of the huge meadows. - 'expansive'?
See what I mean? Three examples right off, where they alert the reader that this may be a long and wordy read. Indicative of an amateur author. Once you got into the story, you lost this unnecessary wording, and just painted the scenes with shorter brush strokes. I have forced myself to use much shorter sentences to break my own wordiness habit, so perhaps you should just look for this in your next works.
Hope this helps. I have received a lot of critical reviews on FS, and still find them greatly helpful in learning the craft. Just remember, no one would bother to critique your work, if they don't see something better in the writer.
Comment Written 13-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2010
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Hi Lon!! Thank you! I do not mind these suggestions at all, I want honest reviews like this! I am going to take out some of the extra words and look again at the apostraphes too. I did try! Thought I had it! I so very much appreciate this help and your great encouragment! I really do. I hope you are having a great weekend too...Susan