Lonely Hearts Meet
Viewing comments for Chapter 40 "Part one, Chapter 13"Anna and her son escape from a man-made Hell.
76 total reviews
Comment from NaughtieScribe
This is a gentle and slightly troubling chapter. The reader still gets a sense of Anna's unease with the whole Bobby thing. Yet you also get a sense that she's open to being loved the right way and with the right man, Troy. Please let this woman find happiness.
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2012
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This is a gentle and slightly troubling chapter. The reader still gets a sense of Anna's unease with the whole Bobby thing. Yet you also get a sense that she's open to being loved the right way and with the right man, Troy. Please let this woman find happiness.
Comment Written 03-Aug-2012
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2012
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Thank you.
Comment from bob cullen
Your characterisation is superb.
Your dialogue is real and it fits the situation and your narration fills out the setting.
This is good writing
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2011
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Your characterisation is superb.
Your dialogue is real and it fits the situation and your narration fills out the setting.
This is good writing
Comment Written 16-Nov-2011
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2011
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from nora arjuna
Hi there. Great to catch on this couple again, and happy to note that problems are solved for Anna now. I hope to find time to check on the court proceedings.
Check some suggestions:
"Everything's fine. I thought you might like a picnic in the park." [He] held up a large brown bag. - I think you should name the character here as a beginning of a new scene.
At the door, Troy held Anna's hand. "I'll see you later, all right?" - I thought this part jumped a bit. Maybe put in something like they packed up and leave the park...
After Troy nodded, he said, "I'm parked over here. - Suggest remove the tag here. You can just put - Troy nodded. "I'm parked...."
After Anna added Betty's name to the appropriate paperwork, the couple went back to the car. - I noticed you used 'After' quite frequently. This part can be constructed differently, maybe like this:
At the care centre, Anna added Betty's name to the appropriate paperwork before they returned to the car.
Clean writing overall, but you can add more to enrich it - some sights and senses - maybe describe the park - warm sun, cool wind, etc.
reply by the author on 19-Nov-2011
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Hi there. Great to catch on this couple again, and happy to note that problems are solved for Anna now. I hope to find time to check on the court proceedings.
Check some suggestions:
"Everything's fine. I thought you might like a picnic in the park." [He] held up a large brown bag. - I think you should name the character here as a beginning of a new scene.
At the door, Troy held Anna's hand. "I'll see you later, all right?" - I thought this part jumped a bit. Maybe put in something like they packed up and leave the park...
After Troy nodded, he said, "I'm parked over here. - Suggest remove the tag here. You can just put - Troy nodded. "I'm parked...."
After Anna added Betty's name to the appropriate paperwork, the couple went back to the car. - I noticed you used 'After' quite frequently. This part can be constructed differently, maybe like this:
At the care centre, Anna added Betty's name to the appropriate paperwork before they returned to the car.
Clean writing overall, but you can add more to enrich it - some sights and senses - maybe describe the park - warm sun, cool wind, etc.
Comment Written 16-Nov-2011
reply by the author on 19-Nov-2011
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Thank you for your eagle eye. I waited to answer your review until I had time to make the corrections. Thank you.
Comment from debsjubilantpoetry
I love the messages at the bottom of the page; you even included the violence hotline number. I love the story and the inference that she is scared of her ex husband, Bobby. I'll have to read previous chapters to get caught up on the story line. debs
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2011
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I love the messages at the bottom of the page; you even included the violence hotline number. I love the story and the inference that she is scared of her ex husband, Bobby. I'll have to read previous chapters to get caught up on the story line. debs
Comment Written 16-Nov-2011
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2011
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from rheabug
This is another great chapter in your ongoing book. He should be read by many abused women I would help them to see they are not alone in their journey. Blessings, Linda
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2011
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This is another great chapter in your ongoing book. He should be read by many abused women I would help them to see they are not alone in their journey. Blessings, Linda
Comment Written 16-Nov-2011
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2011
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from stanzasandstuff
This is a very well written piece of work. I found it very interesting and I feel like I know the characters already. I was in an abusive relationship once or twice but have since learned my lesson! Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2011
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This is a very well written piece of work. I found it very interesting and I feel like I know the characters already. I was in an abusive relationship once or twice but have since learned my lesson! Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 15-Nov-2011
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2011
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Kim Wright
This is the first chapter of your story that I've read. It wasn't confusing at all, I understand not having trust due to abuse. I like the story though, it's intriguing.
You leave the reader wanting more. Good job.
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2011
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This is the first chapter of your story that I've read. It wasn't confusing at all, I understand not having trust due to abuse. I like the story though, it's intriguing.
You leave the reader wanting more. Good job.
Comment Written 15-Nov-2011
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2011
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Tonulak
This was a lyrical chapter, except for when carefully peppered with disurbing notes of warning; the carebackfire, wondering if Troy is too good to be true. What did my Dad tell me about that...?
The romantic banter scens were especially nice and realist, not over done, but just right.
this was well edited and nicely done.
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2011
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This was a lyrical chapter, except for when carefully peppered with disurbing notes of warning; the carebackfire, wondering if Troy is too good to be true. What did my Dad tell me about that...?
The romantic banter scens were especially nice and realist, not over done, but just right.
this was well edited and nicely done.
Comment Written 15-Nov-2011
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2011
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from elgone
I like how you executed this element of background into the story.
At the park the couple found a picnic table under an oak tree. Anna smiled and pointed. "I think we scared the squirrels. Did you see how fast they scampered up the tree?"
It was very well done. I think I learned something form you in reading it.
This is a very professionally composed piece and worthy of publication.The dialogue between the characters flows extremely well. The narrative works well in support to drive the story line.
E
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2011
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I like how you executed this element of background into the story.
At the park the couple found a picnic table under an oak tree. Anna smiled and pointed. "I think we scared the squirrels. Did you see how fast they scampered up the tree?"
It was very well done. I think I learned something form you in reading it.
This is a very professionally composed piece and worthy of publication.The dialogue between the characters flows extremely well. The narrative works well in support to drive the story line.
E
Comment Written 15-Nov-2011
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2011
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from jennyindy
Barbara,
Bravo! I am sorry to say I have not been following this story, but I will change that! Your characters are engaging and the diologue is comfortable, not corny. I feel anxiety arising already, wondering about Todd..wanting to believe he is safe and earnest, but knowing that it isnt always that simple.
I cant wait to read more, I really hope I will take the time to go to the beginning, but will fan you as a reminder! :)
Keep up the outstanding work, this story needs to be told!
Jenny
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2011
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Barbara,
Bravo! I am sorry to say I have not been following this story, but I will change that! Your characters are engaging and the diologue is comfortable, not corny. I feel anxiety arising already, wondering about Todd..wanting to believe he is safe and earnest, but knowing that it isnt always that simple.
I cant wait to read more, I really hope I will take the time to go to the beginning, but will fan you as a reminder! :)
Keep up the outstanding work, this story needs to be told!
Jenny
Comment Written 14-Nov-2011
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2011
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thank you for the kind review and support