Along the Jericho Road
Viewing comments for Chapter 5 "A Maza Moon, Part 2"Murder Mystery
40 total reviews
Comment from Rosalyne
Hi Bev,
This is an excellent book. I am far behind, but wanted to start at the beginning, rather than just reading your latest chapter. Wow, is all I can say! This is such good writing. Suggestion, don't walk, but run to the publisher! I've read many mysteries, and this story stands up with the best of writers.
This deserves ten stars. Bravo to you! I will keep reading and get caught up.
Bye,
your friend, Rosalyne :)
reply by the author on 11-Dec-2013
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Hi Bev,
This is an excellent book. I am far behind, but wanted to start at the beginning, rather than just reading your latest chapter. Wow, is all I can say! This is such good writing. Suggestion, don't walk, but run to the publisher! I've read many mysteries, and this story stands up with the best of writers.
This deserves ten stars. Bravo to you! I will keep reading and get caught up.
Bye,
your friend, Rosalyne :)
Comment Written 11-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 11-Dec-2013
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Hi, Rosalyne. Thank you so very much for being willing to go back and read this chapter. I am honored, truly, by your gracious insights and encouragement. You are not only a classy gal, but a very generous one as well. Much love, Bev
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Hi Bev,
You are such a wonderful person, so warm and humble! You are an extremely talented writer, and so modest about your abilities and accomplishments. I feel so lucky to have met you in the horror course. You are truly a special person!
Bye,
Your friend, Rosalyne :)
Comment from Joy Graham
This is very eerie. I am so curious how this whole thing unfolds. You have a gift of getting inside your characters heads. I am impressed with this story.
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2012
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This is very eerie. I am so curious how this whole thing unfolds. You have a gift of getting inside your characters heads. I am impressed with this story.
Comment Written 28-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2012
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Joy, what a wonderful thing to say about my writing. You are really most kind and generous. I so appreciate your time and support. Hugs, Bev
Comment from Magic Wand
This is becoming even more intriguing. Makes one wonder if the killer is an evil twin or able to imitate the look and mannerisms of the priest in addition to his voice, to gain entry into an old woman's home.
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2012
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This is becoming even more intriguing. Makes one wonder if the killer is an evil twin or able to imitate the look and mannerisms of the priest in addition to his voice, to gain entry into an old woman's home.
Comment Written 11-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2012
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Thanks so much for this wonderful review, Magic. I really appreciate your generous support for the chapter. Hugs, Bev
Comment from ladybird
Really liked this chapter. The killer on the phone was creepy. I also like the paranormal undertones to this.
The only things I found that are a little jarring, are those below.
On his way through the cabin's kitchen, he brushed against a table where he'd shared a meal of fresh-caught fish with a friend named Tony Buday.
This does not appear to sound right. The shared meal with his friend Tony was described in a previous chapter. The way this is written is as if the meal and Tony are just being introduced to the story. Can I suggest;
On his way through the kitchen, he brushed against the table where he'd shared the meal of their freshly-caught fish with Tony Buday.
Also, I had to back-track when, thinking of Tony's words of earlier, Brian stepped onto the path. Perhaps a sentence or two of him leaving the cabin.
A good chapter. I'm looking forward to reading more.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2012
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Really liked this chapter. The killer on the phone was creepy. I also like the paranormal undertones to this.
The only things I found that are a little jarring, are those below.
On his way through the cabin's kitchen, he brushed against a table where he'd shared a meal of fresh-caught fish with a friend named Tony Buday.
This does not appear to sound right. The shared meal with his friend Tony was described in a previous chapter. The way this is written is as if the meal and Tony are just being introduced to the story. Can I suggest;
On his way through the kitchen, he brushed against the table where he'd shared the meal of their freshly-caught fish with Tony Buday.
Also, I had to back-track when, thinking of Tony's words of earlier, Brian stepped onto the path. Perhaps a sentence or two of him leaving the cabin.
A good chapter. I'm looking forward to reading more.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 09-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2012
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Thank you for your review. I appreciate your suggestions and will consider the changes you suggest. Bev
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You're welcome. I am enjoying the read.
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Thanks!
Comment from Doc Holiday
Great chapter, Bev! I like how the anticipation is heightening. The anxiety of the priest and the tension of the killer are excellently portrayed here. The silence with the chewing gum on the other end of the line even causing more tension and the parable that you brought up with the splinter and the beam of wood in the eye, a familiar one in the Catholic church. Really good!!!
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2012
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Great chapter, Bev! I like how the anticipation is heightening. The anxiety of the priest and the tension of the killer are excellently portrayed here. The silence with the chewing gum on the other end of the line even causing more tension and the parable that you brought up with the splinter and the beam of wood in the eye, a familiar one in the Catholic church. Really good!!!
Comment Written 04-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2012
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Hi, Doc. Thank you so much for this very generous review. I really appreciate you letting me know what you liked in the chapter, I'm always looking to make things better! Much appreciate your time and support. Warm regards, Bev
Comment from Paradox Tremors
Wow, another intriguing chapter my friend. It seems the killer has a ax to grind with the good father. Well done, and very well written my friend. Sorry I haven't kept up as I should--will try to do better in the coming days. Take care.
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2012
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Wow, another intriguing chapter my friend. It seems the killer has a ax to grind with the good father. Well done, and very well written my friend. Sorry I haven't kept up as I should--will try to do better in the coming days. Take care.
Comment Written 03-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2012
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Hi, PT. I'm reading a good book on passive voice and trying to infuse my writing with all the good advice LOL! So, I'm especially thrilled with your comments. You are so good to me!
Thank you for your extreme generosity. It's good to know you are back on the site AND posting soon I hope? Hugs, Bev
Comment from Tina55
Ooo, I like the cold methodical dance around the corpse. Very creative.
Ooooo, I also like, like really like, the Father being frustrated by imposed impotence...it's so ironic. Good show!
I wonder what theological themes the good Father might see in the dressing of Debra's body.
I like how the priest misses his turn and has to do a quick correction to get back on track. It mirrors the way that his mind is wandering and contemplating. Almost, and again, I find irony here, as if meditating on such a hideous act throughs off his state of grace.
Nice inner thoughts around the time that he showers and changes. Again, the outter man is mirroring the inner turmoil of the inner man.
I love the description of the autumn leaves.
I love love love the line: Madness, when it finally comes[,] is liberating. I highly recommed it. Bravo!!!
Oooo, fantastic hook at the end, Bev!
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2012
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Ooo, I like the cold methodical dance around the corpse. Very creative.
Ooooo, I also like, like really like, the Father being frustrated by imposed impotence...it's so ironic. Good show!
I wonder what theological themes the good Father might see in the dressing of Debra's body.
I like how the priest misses his turn and has to do a quick correction to get back on track. It mirrors the way that his mind is wandering and contemplating. Almost, and again, I find irony here, as if meditating on such a hideous act throughs off his state of grace.
Nice inner thoughts around the time that he showers and changes. Again, the outter man is mirroring the inner turmoil of the inner man.
I love the description of the autumn leaves.
I love love love the line: Madness, when it finally comes[,] is liberating. I highly recommed it. Bravo!!!
Oooo, fantastic hook at the end, Bev!
Comment Written 03-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2012
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Hi, Tina! Wow, I was just finished with your review when I got this. You are so generous, my friend. I thank you very much for taking time to let me know the elements of my story that you feel are working. You know how much I respect your writing ability, so that's just so awesome.
Love ya, Bev
Comment from Anisa-
Great job with this chapter!! The part where he mimics the priests voice in perfect tone gave me the total creeps!
Your writing is so natural, easy to follow, suspenseful, interesting and eerie in this story.
Really looking forward to the next chapter.
Anisa
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2012
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Great job with this chapter!! The part where he mimics the priests voice in perfect tone gave me the total creeps!
Your writing is so natural, easy to follow, suspenseful, interesting and eerie in this story.
Really looking forward to the next chapter.
Anisa
Comment Written 03-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2012
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Wow, thank you so much for your generosity, Anisa. I'm especially thrilled with your kind support given what a superb writer you are. Much appreciated, my friend. Warm regards, Bev
Comment from Sissy
Hi Bev,
Seriously good chapter here! I totally enjoyed it. I read it twice (first for enjoyment, second for review!). You do an excellent job of drawing the reader into the surroundings. We see what he sees, smell what he smells, hears what hears - without you just telling us!
This killer is an interesting one. I wonder what his problem is with the church, or with Father Brian? It certainly seems that they may have some sort of showdown at some point.
I also liked how you had Father Brian ruminate on being just 'Brian'. That really humanized him for me.
I cut and pasted a couple things below, but really, this chpater is pretty clean. See what you think:
Even after seeing a mysterious, shimmering ball of light rise from Debra's corpse and shoot (instead of 'a mysterious...' try, 'Even after seeing the mysterious...')
pine picnic table at the water's edge was left outside to weather all four seasons. Despite this ingratitude, it was sturdy (instead of 'it was sturdy', how about 'it remained sturdy'. It kicks a 'was' and also relates to being left outside.)
Across the lake, the leaves had gone from gold to ochre and blazing red to mottled maroon (really nice)
He sat with his chin in his hands(+,) taking no notice of time's passage
Derek is a sharp detective(+,) and right now you are suspect numero uno."
"I don't want or need your help, hypocrite. Madness, when it finally comes is liberating, Father. I highly recommend it."
"Now who's the hypocrite? You knew exactly what you were doing when you entered that innocent old woman's house and stole her life. That's evil, not madness. You're walking the devil's plank straight into the fires of hell."
(Okay, and this is totally your call, by the way. I would've like to have seen a little reaction (Maybe narrative) on what Father Brian feels after that 'Madness' line, so we get a good read on how his response comes out. Is Father Brian confused, angry, afraid, or all of the above?)
Really good chapter, Bev. My comments are really only suggestions. Your call!
Take care,
Sissy
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2012
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Hi Bev,
Seriously good chapter here! I totally enjoyed it. I read it twice (first for enjoyment, second for review!). You do an excellent job of drawing the reader into the surroundings. We see what he sees, smell what he smells, hears what hears - without you just telling us!
This killer is an interesting one. I wonder what his problem is with the church, or with Father Brian? It certainly seems that they may have some sort of showdown at some point.
I also liked how you had Father Brian ruminate on being just 'Brian'. That really humanized him for me.
I cut and pasted a couple things below, but really, this chpater is pretty clean. See what you think:
Even after seeing a mysterious, shimmering ball of light rise from Debra's corpse and shoot (instead of 'a mysterious...' try, 'Even after seeing the mysterious...')
pine picnic table at the water's edge was left outside to weather all four seasons. Despite this ingratitude, it was sturdy (instead of 'it was sturdy', how about 'it remained sturdy'. It kicks a 'was' and also relates to being left outside.)
Across the lake, the leaves had gone from gold to ochre and blazing red to mottled maroon (really nice)
He sat with his chin in his hands(+,) taking no notice of time's passage
Derek is a sharp detective(+,) and right now you are suspect numero uno."
"I don't want or need your help, hypocrite. Madness, when it finally comes is liberating, Father. I highly recommend it."
"Now who's the hypocrite? You knew exactly what you were doing when you entered that innocent old woman's house and stole her life. That's evil, not madness. You're walking the devil's plank straight into the fires of hell."
(Okay, and this is totally your call, by the way. I would've like to have seen a little reaction (Maybe narrative) on what Father Brian feels after that 'Madness' line, so we get a good read on how his response comes out. Is Father Brian confused, angry, afraid, or all of the above?)
Really good chapter, Bev. My comments are really only suggestions. Your call!
Take care,
Sissy
Comment Written 02-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2012
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Thanks a bunch, Sissy. I think you've made some excellent recommendations and I am going to look at the piece with an eye to those changes. And I appreciate you taking so much time with this chapter, and letting me know what worked for you. That's always helpful going forward. Kind regards, Bev
Comment from june bug
Very imaginative and well written. I enjoyed this story and it grabbed my attention right away and kept me reading on to find out what happens next. Fantastic job on this developing mystery. Can't wait to read part three. All the best to you.
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2012
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Very imaginative and well written. I enjoyed this story and it grabbed my attention right away and kept me reading on to find out what happens next. Fantastic job on this developing mystery. Can't wait to read part three. All the best to you.
Comment Written 02-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2012
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Thank you most kindly for your great review, june bug. I appreciate very much your time and interest. Warm regards, Bev
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You are very welcome. I enjoy reading your work. Best regards.