Along the Jericho Road
Viewing comments for Chapter 18 "Yaza Moon"Murder Mystery
49 total reviews
Comment from Pen&Ink
Hi Bev,
I definitely enjoyed reading this segment of your book. I found no spags, and everything flowed well. See, told you I'd try to catch up. Still quite a bit of ground to cover. On the bright side, it's a good read.
Ray
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2012
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Hi Bev,
I definitely enjoyed reading this segment of your book. I found no spags, and everything flowed well. See, told you I'd try to catch up. Still quite a bit of ground to cover. On the bright side, it's a good read.
Ray
Comment Written 04-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2012
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Thanks so much, Ray. Both for reading AND your kind words.
Bev
Comment from Joy Graham
I am a little worried I am coming to the end of available chapters soon. I hope you will compose and write fast or I might become a pest constantly asking you "when, when???" LOL This is a great story, Bev :)
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2012
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I am a little worried I am coming to the end of available chapters soon. I hope you will compose and write fast or I might become a pest constantly asking you "when, when???" LOL This is a great story, Bev :)
Comment Written 01-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2012
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I so appreciate your encouragement, Joy. Thank you! Hugs, Bev
Comment from firenice
I found this to be well polished and easy to read. As I have no suggestions on how to make this any better then it already is I will just say good job and happy writing.
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2012
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I found this to be well polished and easy to read. As I have no suggestions on how to make this any better then it already is I will just say good job and happy writing.
Comment Written 15-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2012
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Thank you so much, firenice. I really appreciate your encouraging and generous review. Warm regards, Bev
Comment from Curtis Hatch
This is an interesting chapter to an action packed, suspsense filled story. The story grabbed my attention immediately and held it to the very end. The story is told well, and I enjoyed the read. Curtis
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2012
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This is an interesting chapter to an action packed, suspsense filled story. The story grabbed my attention immediately and held it to the very end. The story is told well, and I enjoyed the read. Curtis
Comment Written 15-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2012
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Thank you, Curtis. I sure appreciate you taking time to read. Thanks for the generous review, also! Warm regards, Bev
Comment from kashmayank
A priest have an added responsibility on his shoulders and should compel by it,you have a nice story and I enjoyed reading it
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2012
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A priest have an added responsibility on his shoulders and should compel by it,you have a nice story and I enjoyed reading it
Comment Written 15-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2012
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I totally agree with you. Priests have been allowed to get away with some obviously awful things in the last decade. It's something that will come back to haunt the Church.
Thanks for your review and interest.
Warm regards, Bev
Comment from Joan E.
I think your story could be a television series. It is fast paced and gripping. I admired your character development along with your "freeway pile-up" and "stricken animal" similes. You certainly built up the suspense you left us in at the end of the chapter! -Joan
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2012
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I think your story could be a television series. It is fast paced and gripping. I admired your character development along with your "freeway pile-up" and "stricken animal" similes. You certainly built up the suspense you left us in at the end of the chapter! -Joan
Comment Written 15-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2012
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Thanks, Joan. I'm considering the possibility of re-vamping this into a script. Thanks for seconding that notion, my friend. And thanks, also, for your loyal reviews and great, kind support. Warmest regards, Bev
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Best wishes with the project in whatever final form it takes--it's an audience pleaser! -J
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:0) Thank you, Joan.
Comment from justatuna
This was a great write. Grabs you at the beginning and keeps you going with great dialogue. Love the back-and-forth mood. Very well done. Thanks.
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2012
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This was a great write. Grabs you at the beginning and keeps you going with great dialogue. Love the back-and-forth mood. Very well done. Thanks.
Comment Written 15-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2012
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Thanks so much, justatuna. I really appreciate your time and generosity. Warm regards, Bev
Comment from Cumbrianlass
I've been trying to get to this, Bev. Finally!!!
Great chapter. It seems the entity has it in for Derek? Love the bit where he/it jabs him.
Excellent discourse between sheriff and the office - you displayed the urgency with great skill.
And poor Stanley. Exceptional writing. I do hope they're in time.
I only saw one minor thing you might want to take a look at:
The young officer struggled to maintain a neutral voice. "I understand, Sir. But what if we're too late?" - This borders on a POV issue. Maybe "The young officer responded in a tense voice" or something.
This continues to be an amazing read, my friend.
Loving it.
Love Av
xx
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2012
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I've been trying to get to this, Bev. Finally!!!
Great chapter. It seems the entity has it in for Derek? Love the bit where he/it jabs him.
Excellent discourse between sheriff and the office - you displayed the urgency with great skill.
And poor Stanley. Exceptional writing. I do hope they're in time.
I only saw one minor thing you might want to take a look at:
The young officer struggled to maintain a neutral voice. "I understand, Sir. But what if we're too late?" - This borders on a POV issue. Maybe "The young officer responded in a tense voice" or something.
This continues to be an amazing read, my friend.
Loving it.
Love Av
xx
Comment Written 15-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2012
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I so appreciate your wonderful review, Av. Especially, when you can show me a better way to write. You have the perfect solution to an area I felt was a little weak - my old nemesis POV! Thank you for your generosity, my friend. Love you, Bev
Comment from donaldww
I enjoyed reading this instalment of your crime and mystery fiction. The prose has a smoothness that allowed the story to flow from the priest's study to the heart attack scene with finesse.
One general suggestion would be to vary your sentence lengths a bit. I realize that's not very specific, but I think you could find your own places where some shorter sentences might enhance the drama. The sentences seem more or less the same length throughout the piece.
I was thinking about the heart attack scene. For example:
Tears spent, Stanley fell back against his pillow. He waited for sleep to free him from his living nightmare. Instead, he felt pressure in his chest. He brushed it off and tried to relax.
But when a debilitating pain tore into his armpit and down his arm, he knew he needed to get help. Fast! Oh my God, I think I'm having a heart attack.
Efforts to rise from the couch made the pain worse. In desperation, he dropped to the floor and rolled in the direction of a phone.
He only managed to go a few feet before falling backwards. His entire body was rigid with pain. As he closed his eyes, an advancing black void swallowed his mind's light. A pounding at his front door echoed in the dark.
"I hope they're not too late . . ."
Of course, this is just an example and should be taken with a grain of salt.
Cheers,
DW
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2012
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I enjoyed reading this instalment of your crime and mystery fiction. The prose has a smoothness that allowed the story to flow from the priest's study to the heart attack scene with finesse.
One general suggestion would be to vary your sentence lengths a bit. I realize that's not very specific, but I think you could find your own places where some shorter sentences might enhance the drama. The sentences seem more or less the same length throughout the piece.
I was thinking about the heart attack scene. For example:
Tears spent, Stanley fell back against his pillow. He waited for sleep to free him from his living nightmare. Instead, he felt pressure in his chest. He brushed it off and tried to relax.
But when a debilitating pain tore into his armpit and down his arm, he knew he needed to get help. Fast! Oh my God, I think I'm having a heart attack.
Efforts to rise from the couch made the pain worse. In desperation, he dropped to the floor and rolled in the direction of a phone.
He only managed to go a few feet before falling backwards. His entire body was rigid with pain. As he closed his eyes, an advancing black void swallowed his mind's light. A pounding at his front door echoed in the dark.
"I hope they're not too late . . ."
Of course, this is just an example and should be taken with a grain of salt.
Cheers,
DW
Comment Written 15-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2012
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Hi, Donald. I thank you for your very helpful suggestion. In fact, I like it so much, I'm going to use them pretty much verbatim. This novel has and continues to be a learning experience for me. With suggestions like yours, I can see how to better write future novels. Thanks for the time and interest. And thanks for the great support. Kind regards, Bev
Comment from jjstar
Loved the back and forth between the sheriff and desk sergeant! Great dialogue! Every time I read, it gets better and better. I love this. Just because I've been made aware in the past week that I've used a lot of cliches and too many adjectives, I've looked for it while reviewing. I appreciate what seems like the perfect balance in this chapter. I particularly noticed places where you could have used cliches, but made them into something fresh, like While you're at it, ask God to help me hit my mark."==many, like me, might have said, "ask Him to help me out, or something like it... again, I thought this was excellent His throat ached to release a painful knot of tears,===thank you for setting such a good example for me!
Anyway, kudos. This was simply great!
his thoughts collided like a freeway pile-up. ==awesome simile!
The air around and between the two men grew oppressively thick, ==whew! I can totally feel it!
he hoped his desperate prayers would mend the torn edges of his shattered spirit.===awww...this is lovely!
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2012
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Loved the back and forth between the sheriff and desk sergeant! Great dialogue! Every time I read, it gets better and better. I love this. Just because I've been made aware in the past week that I've used a lot of cliches and too many adjectives, I've looked for it while reviewing. I appreciate what seems like the perfect balance in this chapter. I particularly noticed places where you could have used cliches, but made them into something fresh, like While you're at it, ask God to help me hit my mark."==many, like me, might have said, "ask Him to help me out, or something like it... again, I thought this was excellent His throat ached to release a painful knot of tears,===thank you for setting such a good example for me!
Anyway, kudos. This was simply great!
his thoughts collided like a freeway pile-up. ==awesome simile!
The air around and between the two men grew oppressively thick, ==whew! I can totally feel it!
he hoped his desperate prayers would mend the torn edges of his shattered spirit.===awww...this is lovely!
Comment Written 14-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2012
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Hi, jj. Thank you so much for this wonderful review. I appreciate the extra star, too. But, truly, you have absolutely put me over the moon with your words of support for the writing. Thank you!! I go forward with reviewed enthusiasm.
Warmest regards, Bev