Along the Jericho Road
Viewing comments for Chapter 21 "POHA MOON, PT. 1"Murder Mystery
46 total reviews
Comment from DALLAS01
Great way to end a chapter.
She sank her teeth into the tip of her glove and yanked upwards. Shifting a bag of groceries to her other arm, she spit the glove atop the package of Oreo cookies and thrust her hand into her coat pocket. Digging deep, she felt the cold metal of a key.
This kind of detail is what makes your writing so professional. I have found myself in these same positions on several occasions. So realistic.
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2012
  |
Great way to end a chapter.
She sank her teeth into the tip of her glove and yanked upwards. Shifting a bag of groceries to her other arm, she spit the glove atop the package of Oreo cookies and thrust her hand into her coat pocket. Digging deep, she felt the cold metal of a key.
This kind of detail is what makes your writing so professional. I have found myself in these same positions on several occasions. So realistic.
Comment Written 27-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2012
-
Thank you so much, Dallas. I really tried to get a good visual in my mind as I wrote this, so your remarks are especially appreciated! Your words of support are invaluable, my friend.
Hugs, Bev
-
You're welcome.
Comment from Adri7enne
Wow! You kept me rivited, Bev. Your narrative is so visual - all those little details that allow us to visualize the characters and their looks and emotions. Even the minor characters have such depth. One could learn just reading and reviewing your work. Well done, girl.
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2012
|
Wow! You kept me rivited, Bev. Your narrative is so visual - all those little details that allow us to visualize the characters and their looks and emotions. Even the minor characters have such depth. One could learn just reading and reviewing your work. Well done, girl.
Comment Written 27-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2012
-
Hi Adrienne. Thank you for your awesome review. I felt good about the chapter, so I am pleased that you found it a good read. You are always so generous and supportive. I love that about you! Hugs, Bev
Comment from Benjamin Valencia
I genuinely enjoyed the imagery and analogies used to describe the setting and plot. Right down to including such simple everyday items we can identify with like the oreo cookies. Being a new writer, I learned from you how I can reduce the font to make the thoughts well known. The spacing and format too is something I also learned especially, when reviewing. Your first sentence; Raindrops ricocheted off the plastic rain cap Caroline Findley wore to protect her hairdo. I have a question about this sentence. It felt a little awkard and was wondering what you think about it being reversed and re-structured. Would this be too long? Carloline Findley was notorious for wanting to protect her hair. The sound Raindrops made when they ricocheted off Caroline's cap sounded like the skin off a snaredrum. Hope my contribution was worthwhile. Congratulations and thanks.
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2012
 |
I genuinely enjoyed the imagery and analogies used to describe the setting and plot. Right down to including such simple everyday items we can identify with like the oreo cookies. Being a new writer, I learned from you how I can reduce the font to make the thoughts well known. The spacing and format too is something I also learned especially, when reviewing. Your first sentence; Raindrops ricocheted off the plastic rain cap Caroline Findley wore to protect her hairdo. I have a question about this sentence. It felt a little awkard and was wondering what you think about it being reversed and re-structured. Would this be too long? Carloline Findley was notorious for wanting to protect her hair. The sound Raindrops made when they ricocheted off Caroline's cap sounded like the skin off a snaredrum. Hope my contribution was worthwhile. Congratulations and thanks.
Comment Written 20-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2012
-
Hi, Benjamin. I thank you much for your excellent review and for taking time to read my chapter. I like your thoughts, but I do prefer a short, impactful start to my chapters. My thoughts about Caroline is that she is not a major character and was really in this chapter to move the action forward. Having said all that, I like your use of 'skin of a snaredrum'. Great visual! Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from rexgal
You write well, descriptive words, but yet simple...as Writing should be. Your characters come to life. I was transported into your story immediately and cannot wait to read what happens next!
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2012
|
You write well, descriptive words, but yet simple...as Writing should be. Your characters come to life. I was transported into your story immediately and cannot wait to read what happens next!
Comment Written 18-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2012
-
Thanks so much, rexgal. I really appreciate you taking time to read my chapter and your generousr review! Warm regards, Bev
Comment from aquakb86
I felt you used a lot of really great imagery. I was drawn into the story the entire time. Some of the sarcasm took away from my anxiety about what was going to happen next, but I was still waiting to find out what was inside. I love how descriptive you are in your writing. However, I was surprised when you revealed that this was an elderly woman; I wouldn't have guessed that at first. Thank you for sharing!
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2012
|
I felt you used a lot of really great imagery. I was drawn into the story the entire time. Some of the sarcasm took away from my anxiety about what was going to happen next, but I was still waiting to find out what was inside. I love how descriptive you are in your writing. However, I was surprised when you revealed that this was an elderly woman; I wouldn't have guessed that at first. Thank you for sharing!
Comment Written 18-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2012
-
Hi, acuakb86. Thank you for sharing your insights into the story. I appreciate, and will consider the particular item mention. I love getting helpful review. Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from roseellen
You write well, with clarity an a full sense of the moment, there was not a line in which I was bored or needed to find something to change, I love the odd ghost story and so I hope to follow the next chapter and be chilled to the bone.
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2012
|
You write well, with clarity an a full sense of the moment, there was not a line in which I was bored or needed to find something to change, I love the odd ghost story and so I hope to follow the next chapter and be chilled to the bone.
Comment Written 18-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2012
-
HI, roseellen. I really appreicate your generous and very kind review. Thank you for stopping to read! Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from doris1022
Good morning....interesting and entertaining write...very creepy makes you want to read more....
the weather here is cloudy and good for reading.
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2012
|
Good morning....interesting and entertaining write...very creepy makes you want to read more....
the weather here is cloudy and good for reading.
Comment Written 18-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2012
-
Same weather here. I agree, very conducive to reading and writing. Thanks, doris, for stopping in to read my chapter. I really appreciate your generous review! Warm regards, Bev
Comment from Scribbler67
An extremely well-written chapter, well observed, spine-tingling, and very readable.Your strong voice draws the reader into a scene made very real and atmospheric by good word choice and skilful sentence construction.
Para.1 '...wa(l)king with two knees...'?
Thoroughly enjoyable.
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2012
|
An extremely well-written chapter, well observed, spine-tingling, and very readable.Your strong voice draws the reader into a scene made very real and atmospheric by good word choice and skilful sentence construction.
Para.1 '...wa(l)king with two knees...'?
Thoroughly enjoyable.
Comment Written 18-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2012
-
Thank you so much, Scribbler. Thanks also for catching my spaggie. I appreciate the sharp eye and very encouraging review! Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from Joan E.
Your vivid description in the opening paragraph quickly drew me back into the story. The "bull" simile added to the effect. Your use of italics for inner thoughts is effectively as well. You left us in suspense with the terror at the end--well done. -Joan
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2012
|
Your vivid description in the opening paragraph quickly drew me back into the story. The "bull" simile added to the effect. Your use of italics for inner thoughts is effectively as well. You left us in suspense with the terror at the end--well done. -Joan
Comment Written 18-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2012
-
Thank you much, Joan. I really appreciate your continued reading of my chapters. Thanks for the generous review, as well. Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from RaymondJohn
waking with two knees that felt like they'd morphed into footballs overnight--"waking with footballs where his knees had been". Much cleaner and shorter.
It did not occur to her to notice the dog's terror--I recommend "she hadn't noticed the dog's terror. Hadn't..."
Good chapter. These are just a couple of suggestions. The story itself is very interesting. Cheers. Ray.
reply by the author on 17-Oct-2012
|
waking with two knees that felt like they'd morphed into footballs overnight--"waking with footballs where his knees had been". Much cleaner and shorter.
It did not occur to her to notice the dog's terror--I recommend "she hadn't noticed the dog's terror. Hadn't..."
Good chapter. These are just a couple of suggestions. The story itself is very interesting. Cheers. Ray.
Comment Written 17-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 17-Oct-2012
-
Hi, Ray. How ironic, I was just reviewing your latest. Thanks for the suggestions and the read. I really appreciate your time and support! Warm regards, Bev