Writing Prompt Entries 2014
Viewing comments for Chapter 16 "Here, But Not Here"The clue is in the title!
12 total reviews
Comment from Caressa_08
You outlined the torment that you have to endure, along with that of your Grandad,...It is a difficult time for you & him & the poem indicated that, even with the line limitations, Here, But Not Here was written with a enduring disbelief for us to understand your pain & his with this blank verse & can see why you won this contest.
Caressa
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2014
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You outlined the torment that you have to endure, along with that of your Grandad,...It is a difficult time for you & him & the poem indicated that, even with the line limitations, Here, But Not Here was written with a enduring disbelief for us to understand your pain & his with this blank verse & can see why you won this contest.
Caressa
Comment Written 13-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2014
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Hi Caressa :) How are you?
Thank you for your wonderful feedback, I appreciate it :) Kindest regards as always, Debra x
Comment from Cariboubill
Wicked sad! I'm a grandfather and a great grandfather. I worry much more about my family's sadness when I get helpless and die, than I do about my own feelings.
You have brought out the emotions we all feel about our loved ones' failing years. Very well written.
...Bill
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2014
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Wicked sad! I'm a grandfather and a great grandfather. I worry much more about my family's sadness when I get helpless and die, than I do about my own feelings.
You have brought out the emotions we all feel about our loved ones' failing years. Very well written.
...Bill
Comment Written 08-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2014
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Hi Bill, thank you so much for your wonderful feedback and generous 6 star award. You sound very much like the person my Grandad was before he was consumed by dementia, he always put us before himself... a true gentleman and a loving Grandfather. It is heartbreaking to see him disappearing before our eyes. Thank you again for your lovely comments. Kindest regards...:)
Comment from RodG
This poem is very poignant. Your camera work draws us in with the Speaker and lingers on the father who seems to recognize her at first and then does not.
The verse "recognition flickers there/then, instantly a stranger I become" is the most moving for me.
Good metaphor in "confusion draws the curtain."
And the sadness in the final stanza as the Speaker caresses his hand and he pleads to be taken home.
A lovely poem about a sad topic--dementia. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2014
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This poem is very poignant. Your camera work draws us in with the Speaker and lingers on the father who seems to recognize her at first and then does not.
The verse "recognition flickers there/then, instantly a stranger I become" is the most moving for me.
Good metaphor in "confusion draws the curtain."
And the sadness in the final stanza as the Speaker caresses his hand and he pleads to be taken home.
A lovely poem about a sad topic--dementia. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 08-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2014
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Thank you RodG for your lovely feedback and good luck wishes. I appreciate both. Kindest regards...:)
Comment from Smoothiecool
good luck in the contest
your words allow the reader to see and feel your Father ill and not knowing life anymore as you feel the pain of all this he and not ready to accept this as the end of his days as you hold his hand and trace the veins as you knee beside his bed he cries please take me home
you have great images to portray this well
cheers Smoothiecool
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2014
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good luck in the contest
your words allow the reader to see and feel your Father ill and not knowing life anymore as you feel the pain of all this he and not ready to accept this as the end of his days as you hold his hand and trace the veins as you knee beside his bed he cries please take me home
you have great images to portray this well
cheers Smoothiecool
Comment Written 08-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2014
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Thank you smoothie cool for your wonderful feedback and good luck wishes. I appreciate both :) Kindest regards...
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most welcome..SC
Comment from Lena Borghi
This is beautiful and poignant. You adhere well to the iambic meter and I consistently count ten feet in each line, although I am by no means an expert on this.
You have my vote, but in a way, it feels unfinished to me. It can stand as is, but I would love to see a couplet with a relevant message at the end. Win or lose, think about adding it in the future. It's a well-penned and moving write.
Best,
Lena
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2014
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This is beautiful and poignant. You adhere well to the iambic meter and I consistently count ten feet in each line, although I am by no means an expert on this.
You have my vote, but in a way, it feels unfinished to me. It can stand as is, but I would love to see a couplet with a relevant message at the end. Win or lose, think about adding it in the future. It's a well-penned and moving write.
Best,
Lena
Comment Written 07-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2014
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Thank you so very much Lena for your wonderful feedback and your vote - I truly appreciate both. I see what you mean about the poem appearing unfinished... I agree although I'm unsure how to end it, as there is no conclusion so far... I hope for a peaceful ending, I will write it when the time is right. Kindest regards...anon
Comment from Lovinia
Hi Mystery Poet
Not trained in the form I've read all the rules and your blank verse seems to fulfils all the requirements. Your presentation is beautiful and a perfect complement to your Grandad.
A very sorrowful lament and your words express the frustration and pain of watching a once vibrant individual fade from real life as "Confusion draws the curtains, he is gone". I feel strong emotions as your verse flows through your own pain and the final line of his own distress, "Please take me home".
Now left with only "His eyelids flutter open at my voice
and recognition briefly flickers there," and just enough to cry tears as he is touched ... it must be frightening for him..... and for you. There is nothing that can be done for these dearly beloved people .... it is fortunate they still have loved ones who care. You don't categorise this poem into the biographical, yet the emotions contained here are very real. I'm so sorry to hear of your granddad's deterioration if this is true.
An excellent entry for the contest. I wish you the best of luck. Warm Regards - Lovinia xoxo
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2014
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Hi Mystery Poet
Not trained in the form I've read all the rules and your blank verse seems to fulfils all the requirements. Your presentation is beautiful and a perfect complement to your Grandad.
A very sorrowful lament and your words express the frustration and pain of watching a once vibrant individual fade from real life as "Confusion draws the curtains, he is gone". I feel strong emotions as your verse flows through your own pain and the final line of his own distress, "Please take me home".
Now left with only "His eyelids flutter open at my voice
and recognition briefly flickers there," and just enough to cry tears as he is touched ... it must be frightening for him..... and for you. There is nothing that can be done for these dearly beloved people .... it is fortunate they still have loved ones who care. You don't categorise this poem into the biographical, yet the emotions contained here are very real. I'm so sorry to hear of your granddad's deterioration if this is true.
An excellent entry for the contest. I wish you the best of luck. Warm Regards - Lovinia xoxo
Comment Written 07-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2014
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Hi Lovinia :) Thank you so much for your wonderful feedback, I appreciate your lovely comments and good luck wishes... I have re-categorised the poem as biographical as unfortunately it is real life. Thank you again and kindest regards...:)
Comment from J. P. Egry
Poignant poem providing the emotion one always feels when a loved one has dementia. My father had Alzheimer's for 20 years. He was always asking my mother to take him home, even though that's where he was---usually at sundown. When a once-brilliant mind is gone from the body of the person we have always known and loved, grief and sorrow reigns. You've given us this feeling very well. The blank verse seems to be just right for this, because it can often be more serious than verses that rhyme. Excellent contest entry.
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2014
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Poignant poem providing the emotion one always feels when a loved one has dementia. My father had Alzheimer's for 20 years. He was always asking my mother to take him home, even though that's where he was---usually at sundown. When a once-brilliant mind is gone from the body of the person we have always known and loved, grief and sorrow reigns. You've given us this feeling very well. The blank verse seems to be just right for this, because it can often be more serious than verses that rhyme. Excellent contest entry.
Comment Written 07-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2014
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Thank you so much for your wonderful feedback, I am sorry that you have experienced the dementia of a loved one first hand. My Grandad lives is in a nursing home now as his wife would not manage him at home due to her own limitations - he is physically frail as well as suffering with dementia. It is hard...occasionally he knows who I am, those moments are elating for both of us! Kindest regards...:)
Comment from Visheshta Dahiya
the poem is great with a brilliant description about the difficult time.
the words show deep emotions and pain.
very well written..!!!
best wishes
Visheshta
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2014
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the poem is great with a brilliant description about the difficult time.
the words show deep emotions and pain.
very well written..!!!
best wishes
Visheshta
Comment Written 07-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2014
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Thank you for your wonderful feedback and good wishes, I appreciate both! Kindest regards...
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welcome :)
Comment from ennahanid
This made me cry, I myself am so scared of the A and D diseases that I will not even say their name or write them. I liked the gentle compassion of the narrator but not the tears - Dinah
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2014
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This made me cry, I myself am so scared of the A and D diseases that I will not even say their name or write them. I liked the gentle compassion of the narrator but not the tears - Dinah
Comment Written 07-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2014
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Hi Dinah :) Thank you so very much for your wonderful feedback and your generous 6 star award. I am sorry my poem made you cry... it is hard for him, for me, for the family, but there is love and that will pull us all through until his body follows his soul and he is at peace. Kindest regards to you...:)
Comment from judester
I think this is one of the saddest situations anyone can find themselves dealing with. You have presented a small glimpse into that world and the helplessnes and frustration that comes with it, Bless, Judester
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2014
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I think this is one of the saddest situations anyone can find themselves dealing with. You have presented a small glimpse into that world and the helplessnes and frustration that comes with it, Bless, Judester
Comment Written 06-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2014
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Thank you so much Judester for your wonderful feedback :) Kindest regards...