The Trining
Viewing comments for Chapter 7 "The Portal"A man must discover his identity and destiny.
19 total reviews
Comment from Ritsal
Wow- I'm late getting to this and wanted to read it before your latest chapter. I can only say this deserves seven stars--alas, I only have six.
Only Kyre new the composition--knew
Best wishes,
Rita
reply by the author on 01-May-2014
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Wow- I'm late getting to this and wanted to read it before your latest chapter. I can only say this deserves seven stars--alas, I only have six.
Only Kyre new the composition--knew
Best wishes,
Rita
Comment Written 01-May-2014
reply by the author on 01-May-2014
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Rita, bless you for your 6-er. So glad you liked this. I went back and corrected the nit. Happy you caught it. I do no how to spell gnu. LOL, thanks again.
Jay
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Hey, write faster. I still have a couple left! :)
Comment from Writingfundimension
Hi, Jay. Stunning writing in this latest chapter. I've noted a few areas that stand out for me:
"Out of that violent, black morass, a point of the brightest light was introduced." Love the spiritual feel of this.
"She looked momentarily annoyed with my interruption, but responded: "It was more of the closeness in memory. Those of the three generations following the teachings of the light, almost to a person, stayed. The ones just introduced to it more than likely reverted. But we have to remember we all came from the Pomnot stock." I find this interesting and wonder at its implications.
"As the light separates from its source(,) its radiance diffuses. So, though each of the specialists was important to the whole, none was particularly brilliant by himself. But when all the specialists communed together, as long as there was harmony among them, their combined brilliance dazzled the senses." I believe you describe the perfect world.
"...Peace reigned for generations. My people were well on the way to becoming physically and mentally debilitated through lack of exercise. A light without the contrast of darkness!" Fascinating viewpoint.
"...Pondria will move like sweet-tasting water among my people,' Kyre warned,'and my people will drink the water and find it refreshing to their spirit. And even while they want more of the sweet tasting water, a slow poison will begin to keep into the spirit." This has a very scriptural feel for me. I like that.
And the final trick to lure Doxtrex by the Kojutake was a great way to end this chapter.
Very well done, Jay.
Warm regards, Bev
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2014
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Hi, Jay. Stunning writing in this latest chapter. I've noted a few areas that stand out for me:
"Out of that violent, black morass, a point of the brightest light was introduced." Love the spiritual feel of this.
"She looked momentarily annoyed with my interruption, but responded: "It was more of the closeness in memory. Those of the three generations following the teachings of the light, almost to a person, stayed. The ones just introduced to it more than likely reverted. But we have to remember we all came from the Pomnot stock." I find this interesting and wonder at its implications.
"As the light separates from its source(,) its radiance diffuses. So, though each of the specialists was important to the whole, none was particularly brilliant by himself. But when all the specialists communed together, as long as there was harmony among them, their combined brilliance dazzled the senses." I believe you describe the perfect world.
"...Peace reigned for generations. My people were well on the way to becoming physically and mentally debilitated through lack of exercise. A light without the contrast of darkness!" Fascinating viewpoint.
"...Pondria will move like sweet-tasting water among my people,' Kyre warned,'and my people will drink the water and find it refreshing to their spirit. And even while they want more of the sweet tasting water, a slow poison will begin to keep into the spirit." This has a very scriptural feel for me. I like that.
And the final trick to lure Doxtrex by the Kojutake was a great way to end this chapter.
Very well done, Jay.
Warm regards, Bev
Comment Written 30-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2014
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You didn't think it was too long? LOL, thanks, Bev, as always for stepping up to bat! You are ALWAYS appreciated.
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Jay, it was the right length for furthering your story. And you are most welcome! :) Bev
Comment from Selina Stambi
Another complex,interesting read, Jay. So many things to absorb and think about.
That's some cliff hanger you've ended on.
Some thoughts:
(1) She refers to her father (grandfather?) as a man - does she belong to the human species?
(II) This chapter felt a little long - I wonder if it could be split into parts one and two. It might be less daunting to tackle if the read was shorter.
Just some toughts ...
Have a lovely week!
Sonali :)
Remember(,) I told you I was the last in
Pomnots over to the other side(,) depending on
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2014
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Another complex,interesting read, Jay. So many things to absorb and think about.
That's some cliff hanger you've ended on.
Some thoughts:
(1) She refers to her father (grandfather?) as a man - does she belong to the human species?
(II) This chapter felt a little long - I wonder if it could be split into parts one and two. It might be less daunting to tackle if the read was shorter.
Just some toughts ...
Have a lovely week!
Sonali :)
Remember(,) I told you I was the last in
Pomnots over to the other side(,) depending on
Comment Written 28-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2014
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Thanks, Sonali! Yes, too long for FanStory. Any others this long and I'll divide. Also, I'm gonna start placing a cast of characters and concepts at the bottom.
Comment from Ric Myworld
It looks like he might have been tricked and taken into the Kojutake for some reason or the other by a mighty strong little girls. Now, you've left me waiting for the next chapter. I'm seldom a fan of back story, but yours never stops offering information that I'm sure is vital to the story in the future. Thanks for another nice chapter.:-)
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2014
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It looks like he might have been tricked and taken into the Kojutake for some reason or the other by a mighty strong little girls. Now, you've left me waiting for the next chapter. I'm seldom a fan of back story, but yours never stops offering information that I'm sure is vital to the story in the future. Thanks for another nice chapter.:-)
Comment Written 28-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2014
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Thank you, Ric. I've heard from several that it's unsufferably long. (They were really kinder than that!) But, in the future I'll split longer chapters in two.
Comment from A Matter Of Words
This is not my genre, but I your writing held me right to the end. Great flow and use of realistic dialogue. Excellent descriptive writing.
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2014
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This is not my genre, but I your writing held me right to the end. Great flow and use of realistic dialogue. Excellent descriptive writing.
Comment Written 28-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2014
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Thank you for stopping by and giving this a shot. People have told me the same thing, but have stayed on chapter by chapter. Thank you so much for your kind words.
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You are very welcome. I do step out of my comfort zone as it is the only way to expand one's writing perspective. I will keep my eyes open for the next submission.
Comment from GWHARGIS
I really can't give you any details on what I liked because it all was good. I did like the playful banter that helped ease the intensity of the information she was trying to tell him. He is a bit of a smartass yet can't seem to help himself when he knows he should keep his mouth shut.
I wasn't sure if the last part was his dream or hers. I am assuming maybe it was a joint venture dream, like a shared vision. I saw no spags. I only have one suggestion for a future chapter of this length. Split it and title it The Portal part one and the Portal part two. It took me two days to final get through it. I'm not saying it was hard to get going, but it was very tough to stop and come back. Great chapter and I can feel the heat being turned up quickly.
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2014
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I really can't give you any details on what I liked because it all was good. I did like the playful banter that helped ease the intensity of the information she was trying to tell him. He is a bit of a smartass yet can't seem to help himself when he knows he should keep his mouth shut.
I wasn't sure if the last part was his dream or hers. I am assuming maybe it was a joint venture dream, like a shared vision. I saw no spags. I only have one suggestion for a future chapter of this length. Split it and title it The Portal part one and the Portal part two. It took me two days to final get through it. I'm not saying it was hard to get going, but it was very tough to stop and come back. Great chapter and I can feel the heat being turned up quickly.
Comment Written 28-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2014
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Thank you, Gretchen, both for reading this and for your your useful info on doing this in two parts. I will probably do just that (though this is the longest chapter). Also, as much as I hate to do it, I have been urged to include a list of characters and concepts at the end. You are important to my experience here, Gretchen. I want to thank you for your loyalty.
Comment from Tina McKala
WOW! I loved the ending! Did it really happen? Did he woke up? God, this was so good! Where is the next chapter? I need to know what happened!
This chapter finally gave more answers to the previous questions than the new questions. It was very interesting to read about Axtilla's past. And he just as well might be the Pondria and not know about it and this tension is great! Very good hook.
I saw you got two profound, thorough reviews from people who are much more educated here than I am, so just my two cents for you to consider. I have a very little suggestions this time and no big deals, just minor issues. (I didn't read those two reviews properly not to be influenced, so my apologies if some things double/triple. I'm not an English native speaker, so I don't comment on grammar, punctuation, vocabulary and other similar technicalities unless they are obvious typos)
SUGGESTIONS:
I felt an increasingly familiar frustration rising in me. // drop "I felt" - only describe the feeling. We, the readers, will know this was what he felt (if you can describe it, you can feel it, and if you only describe it, the readers will feel it too, when you say that he felt it, the readers don't have a chance to feel it too)
I slowly shook my head, still staring intently at her. // only because you have two adverbs in this short sentence I'd suggest to replace one with a stronger verb (e.g. I surveyed her, scrutinized her,
"And the light was called Kyre. And, it was good."
She shot me a glare. // why did she shot him the glare? What was he doing?
But we have to remember we all came from the Pomnot stock.["] // just a missing speech mark
"What did the Tablets prophesy?" I asked. // I'd suggest to add something between this question so that when he asks it is clear that it is him asking, not her, and that way you wouldn't need the speech tag. Something like his thoughts leading to the question or something. This seemed a bit like a lazy writing and off your style (no offense)
and I don't think she saw me [looking] // you say he glanced at her - that should mean he was not really looking, so she shouldn't be able to see him looking, and the other thing, I believe you can drop "looking" from this sentence - if you say she saw him, it would be enough
["]Sure. Only Kyre new the composition of the Bining // missing speech mark
She was the first to speak. "Doctrex, I told you our sphere // maybe you don't need "she was the first to speak" - it I obvious
or was it my pulse up from the river vessels, crowding at my jaw.(?) // I think a question mark fits better than a period
The chapter read really well and your writing is strong. Awesome job!
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2014
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WOW! I loved the ending! Did it really happen? Did he woke up? God, this was so good! Where is the next chapter? I need to know what happened!
This chapter finally gave more answers to the previous questions than the new questions. It was very interesting to read about Axtilla's past. And he just as well might be the Pondria and not know about it and this tension is great! Very good hook.
I saw you got two profound, thorough reviews from people who are much more educated here than I am, so just my two cents for you to consider. I have a very little suggestions this time and no big deals, just minor issues. (I didn't read those two reviews properly not to be influenced, so my apologies if some things double/triple. I'm not an English native speaker, so I don't comment on grammar, punctuation, vocabulary and other similar technicalities unless they are obvious typos)
SUGGESTIONS:
I felt an increasingly familiar frustration rising in me. // drop "I felt" - only describe the feeling. We, the readers, will know this was what he felt (if you can describe it, you can feel it, and if you only describe it, the readers will feel it too, when you say that he felt it, the readers don't have a chance to feel it too)
I slowly shook my head, still staring intently at her. // only because you have two adverbs in this short sentence I'd suggest to replace one with a stronger verb (e.g. I surveyed her, scrutinized her,
"And the light was called Kyre. And, it was good."
She shot me a glare. // why did she shot him the glare? What was he doing?
But we have to remember we all came from the Pomnot stock.["] // just a missing speech mark
"What did the Tablets prophesy?" I asked. // I'd suggest to add something between this question so that when he asks it is clear that it is him asking, not her, and that way you wouldn't need the speech tag. Something like his thoughts leading to the question or something. This seemed a bit like a lazy writing and off your style (no offense)
and I don't think she saw me [looking] // you say he glanced at her - that should mean he was not really looking, so she shouldn't be able to see him looking, and the other thing, I believe you can drop "looking" from this sentence - if you say she saw him, it would be enough
["]Sure. Only Kyre new the composition of the Bining // missing speech mark
She was the first to speak. "Doctrex, I told you our sphere // maybe you don't need "she was the first to speak" - it I obvious
or was it my pulse up from the river vessels, crowding at my jaw.(?) // I think a question mark fits better than a period
The chapter read really well and your writing is strong. Awesome job!
Comment Written 28-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2014
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Tina, you are one of my more profound critters. You bring up things that no one else has and at a great depth of explanation. Thank you. I am copying your crit and pasting it to my critiqued chapters for making changes after the post drops. I just want you to know you provide me a goldmine.
Comment from Giddy Nielsen-Sweep
I would probably be preaching to the converted if I said the chapter should be divided into two? Found it difficult to stay focused right through this chapter because the details required concentration and understanding. I'd have to say it was a relief to get to the end, which in turn turned out to be rather exciting and left me wanting more, Giddy
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2014
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I would probably be preaching to the converted if I said the chapter should be divided into two? Found it difficult to stay focused right through this chapter because the details required concentration and understanding. I'd have to say it was a relief to get to the end, which in turn turned out to be rather exciting and left me wanting more, Giddy
Comment Written 28-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2014
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Yes, Giddy, you'd be right. And, while this is the longest chapter, I will do that in the future. Also, I'll be adding a list at the bottom of the major characters and concepts. Thank you though for hanging on until the end. It's tempting to start scanning. See you next time.
Comment from Leonardo Wild
Hi Jay,
Interesting story. Good ending, again, to take us into the next part.
Some thoughts:
Regarding the dialogue, I think you are doing too much question-answer-question-answer, which makes you lose the opportunity to add conflict or tension into it:
--Why was I the only one to whom this horrible responsibility fell? I wouldn't do it! I would stay in my cave during periods of darkness and only go out during the daytime to gather food and fuel for the fire."
"Why was it left up to you in the first place?"
"For me to explain that, Doctrex ..." She took a deep breath. "... I must go back and pick up some threads I dropped earlier. We'll have to return to when the Bining occurred, about five generations ago--"
--Certainly as much centered on themselves as now.
>>Certainly as much centered on themselves as now."<<
--"What is important, is that I finish the history and for you, as much as is possible, to let me finish it with few interruptions.
>>"What is important, is that I finish the history and for you, as much as is possible, to let me finish it with few interruptions."<<
--She was, after all, in a position to help us both.
>>She was, after all, in a position to help me.<<
--of the dark force came to
>>Dark Force or dark force<<
--But we have to remember we all came from the Pomnot stock.
>>But we have to remember we all came from the Pomnot stock."<<
--"You're smiling," she said.
"I didn't know. I'm sorry."
>>"You're smiling," she said.
I didn't answer.<<
--"Only that when the Trining occurred there would be a sudden, easy and complete translation of authority."
>>"Only that, when the Trining occurred, there would be a sudden, easy and complete translation of authority."<<
--"I stopped because Kyre ends the tablets there. There is no more.
>>"I stopped because Kyre ends the tablets there. There is no more."<<
--"I'll remember it, but I hope you're planning to tell me why it's going to be so important for me to."
>>"I'll remember it, but I hope you're planning to tell me why it's going to be so important."<<
--Or, were we being Glnot Rhuether's puppets. Is that what she thought?
>>Or, were we being Glnot Rhuether's puppets? Is that what she thought?<<
--... he Trining.'Pondria will move ...
>>he Trining. 'Pondria will move... <<
--If you are Pondria I should be put to death."
>>If you are Pondria, I should be put to death."<<
--I wanted to scream, to curse, to shout, to shriek: I am not Pondria! But I kept my silence.
>>I wanted to scream, to curse, to shout: I am not Pondria! But I kept my silence.<<
--I felt a closeness to Kyre that I'd never before felt.
>>I felt a closeness to Kyre that I'd never felt before.<<
--But, when I failed to follow them Kyre came to me at night with a stronger,
>>But, when I failed to follow them, Kyre came to me at night with a stronger,<<
--At first, silence. And, then a huge exhale escaped her lips.
>>At first, silence. Then a huge exhale escaped her lips.<<
--"Please, before they find me. They will kill me. Please pull me through."
>>"Please, before they find me. They will kill me. Please, pull me through."<<
--No more rehearsals. I rocked my body a few more times, began a slow loping, then gained speed,
>>No more rehearsals. I began a slow loping, then gained speed,<<
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2014
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Hi Jay,
Interesting story. Good ending, again, to take us into the next part.
Some thoughts:
Regarding the dialogue, I think you are doing too much question-answer-question-answer, which makes you lose the opportunity to add conflict or tension into it:
--Why was I the only one to whom this horrible responsibility fell? I wouldn't do it! I would stay in my cave during periods of darkness and only go out during the daytime to gather food and fuel for the fire."
"Why was it left up to you in the first place?"
"For me to explain that, Doctrex ..." She took a deep breath. "... I must go back and pick up some threads I dropped earlier. We'll have to return to when the Bining occurred, about five generations ago--"
--Certainly as much centered on themselves as now.
>>Certainly as much centered on themselves as now."<<
--"What is important, is that I finish the history and for you, as much as is possible, to let me finish it with few interruptions.
>>"What is important, is that I finish the history and for you, as much as is possible, to let me finish it with few interruptions."<<
--She was, after all, in a position to help us both.
>>She was, after all, in a position to help me.<<
--of the dark force came to
>>Dark Force or dark force<<
--But we have to remember we all came from the Pomnot stock.
>>But we have to remember we all came from the Pomnot stock."<<
--"You're smiling," she said.
"I didn't know. I'm sorry."
>>"You're smiling," she said.
I didn't answer.<<
--"Only that when the Trining occurred there would be a sudden, easy and complete translation of authority."
>>"Only that, when the Trining occurred, there would be a sudden, easy and complete translation of authority."<<
--"I stopped because Kyre ends the tablets there. There is no more.
>>"I stopped because Kyre ends the tablets there. There is no more."<<
--"I'll remember it, but I hope you're planning to tell me why it's going to be so important for me to."
>>"I'll remember it, but I hope you're planning to tell me why it's going to be so important."<<
--Or, were we being Glnot Rhuether's puppets. Is that what she thought?
>>Or, were we being Glnot Rhuether's puppets? Is that what she thought?<<
--... he Trining.'Pondria will move ...
>>he Trining. 'Pondria will move... <<
--If you are Pondria I should be put to death."
>>If you are Pondria, I should be put to death."<<
--I wanted to scream, to curse, to shout, to shriek: I am not Pondria! But I kept my silence.
>>I wanted to scream, to curse, to shout: I am not Pondria! But I kept my silence.<<
--I felt a closeness to Kyre that I'd never before felt.
>>I felt a closeness to Kyre that I'd never felt before.<<
--But, when I failed to follow them Kyre came to me at night with a stronger,
>>But, when I failed to follow them, Kyre came to me at night with a stronger,<<
--At first, silence. And, then a huge exhale escaped her lips.
>>At first, silence. Then a huge exhale escaped her lips.<<
--"Please, before they find me. They will kill me. Please pull me through."
>>"Please, before they find me. They will kill me. Please, pull me through."<<
--No more rehearsals. I rocked my body a few more times, began a slow loping, then gained speed,
>>No more rehearsals. I began a slow loping, then gained speed,<<
Comment Written 27-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2014
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Much obliged, Leonardo (You go by Leo?, you picked out some more nits I thought I had already fixed. Dang! And, some good ideas to tighten the dialogue. Yes, this chapter has some work left. Some major work, I'm afraid. The chapter's much too long for FanStory, though not for a completed novel.
I'm waiting until the post drops to incorporate the changes. Some of the nits I'll go in and change now. Thanks Leonardo so much. I already told you, I believe, that you're scheduled to get one of my Reviewer Recommendation rewards in a few days, as soon as they're again available.
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No issues there, Jay. I was told that if a chapter is too long for FS, just split into two, three or more parts. The suggested length was no more than 2000 words. So I'm trying that out myself.
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Oh, Leo is fine, too. Many call me that.
DaVinci ... too old for that one. LOL!
Comment from Gert sherwood
Hi Jay now while reading your story I feel like I'm reading history of another universe that came into existence eons ago like when the whole universe was created.
What I find so interesting is how you are using Axtilla the last one in the line of the Encloy, telling the history.
And still trying to figure out why she is telling Doctrex
Gert
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2014
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Hi Jay now while reading your story I feel like I'm reading history of another universe that came into existence eons ago like when the whole universe was created.
What I find so interesting is how you are using Axtilla the last one in the line of the Encloy, telling the history.
And still trying to figure out why she is telling Doctrex
Gert
Comment Written 27-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2014
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Thank you, Gert. Your support is always appreciated. I'm really glad you're finding The Trining fulfilling.
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You are welcome Jay
Gert