The Trining
Viewing comments for Chapter 8 "LIFE WITHOUT AXTILLA?"A man must discover his identity and destiny.
18 total reviews
Comment from Ritsal
I don't know what happened to my review of this chapter. For some reason it didn't record. I'm behind on my reviews now but will get to all the chapters. I thought this one was very engaging and I don't trust Klea. Will have to wait and see what she's up to.
Best wishes,
Rita
reply by the author on 10-May-2014
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I don't know what happened to my review of this chapter. For some reason it didn't record. I'm behind on my reviews now but will get to all the chapters. I thought this one was very engaging and I don't trust Klea. Will have to wait and see what she's up to.
Best wishes,
Rita
Comment Written 10-May-2014
reply by the author on 10-May-2014
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Playing catch up! Thanks, Rita. I'm happy your interested enough to read past chapters.
Comment from krprice
Try to avoid using saw, heard, smelled, felt.
I felt. . . A feeling of. . . Nausea filled the hollowness.
Suggest you run this through grammar checker.
Example: She stared. . . hiccups, and then. . .
My former editor told me not to use semi-colons or to use them as little as possible.
"Sarisa. . . where are you, Sarisa?" Comma after you.
Delete unnecessary 'that's.
Good descriptions of the setting.
One of the things I've read is you should be specifc not general when using description. Instead of trees, tell us what kind. Same with fragrance perhaps say roses, or jasmine, or honeysuckle or whatever.
"That I. . . Delete I knew and begin with There was. . .
Good chapter.
Karlene
reply by the author on 05-May-2014
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Try to avoid using saw, heard, smelled, felt.
I felt. . . A feeling of. . . Nausea filled the hollowness.
Suggest you run this through grammar checker.
Example: She stared. . . hiccups, and then. . .
My former editor told me not to use semi-colons or to use them as little as possible.
"Sarisa. . . where are you, Sarisa?" Comma after you.
Delete unnecessary 'that's.
Good descriptions of the setting.
One of the things I've read is you should be specifc not general when using description. Instead of trees, tell us what kind. Same with fragrance perhaps say roses, or jasmine, or honeysuckle or whatever.
"That I. . . Delete I knew and begin with There was. . .
Good chapter.
Karlene
Comment Written 05-May-2014
reply by the author on 05-May-2014
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I could have sworn you read this chapter already. Some meaty stuff. I'll check this out today (I hope). Thanks again, Karlene, for all your help.
Comment from Writingfundimension
Fascinating development, Jay. I had the sense as you described the scene with the new characters, that they are putting on a show for Doctrex, but to what end I wonder? Your usual professional quality writing, my friend.
Warm regards, Bev
reply by the author on 04-May-2014
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Fascinating development, Jay. I had the sense as you described the scene with the new characters, that they are putting on a show for Doctrex, but to what end I wonder? Your usual professional quality writing, my friend.
Warm regards, Bev
Comment Written 04-May-2014
reply by the author on 04-May-2014
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Thank you, Bev. That's an interesting observation -- that they would be putting on a show for him. Hmmmmm. Hope to see you next time.
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Call me suspicious, Jay. You're very welcome. :)
Comment from dreamin'
Hi Jay,
You have got one of the most vivid imaginations I've ever come across. I love how you give us the unexpected at every turn! I'm sure we were all expecting this chapter to open with yellow fog, noxious fumes, and terrible beings, and you give us "Dime-sized pink flowers spread out across an entire meadow." Brilliant!
Once again you have peppered the story with more conflict, more mystery, and the perfect ending to make us keep coming back.
A few comments and suggestions are listed below.
Numberless oak trees (Countless oak trees?) left their inviting patchwork of shadows (nice visual)
Where am I, little girl?"...then the familiar smile returned. "You are here."
This kind of question and answer dialogue delights me to no end. I have come to expect it in this story, but am still pleasantly surprised when it happens.
"No! You don't do that." (Perhaps reverse it so it reads, No! Don't you do that." And have Doctrex react in a way he feels helpless, as he reaches out a hand to comfort her, but stop...something like that. The dialogue by itself just kinds of hangs, suspended)
Here she comes. Hi, mommy." (Mommy)
I noticed that ('that' is not necessary) there were makeshift wooden wheels...
This child who was so energetic before and so talkative now seemed to distance herself (This child, so energetic and talkative before, now seemed to ...)
Thanks again for providing a vehicle for such an incredible ride.
reply by the author on 03-May-2014
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Hi Jay,
You have got one of the most vivid imaginations I've ever come across. I love how you give us the unexpected at every turn! I'm sure we were all expecting this chapter to open with yellow fog, noxious fumes, and terrible beings, and you give us "Dime-sized pink flowers spread out across an entire meadow." Brilliant!
Once again you have peppered the story with more conflict, more mystery, and the perfect ending to make us keep coming back.
A few comments and suggestions are listed below.
Numberless oak trees (Countless oak trees?) left their inviting patchwork of shadows (nice visual)
Where am I, little girl?"...then the familiar smile returned. "You are here."
This kind of question and answer dialogue delights me to no end. I have come to expect it in this story, but am still pleasantly surprised when it happens.
"No! You don't do that." (Perhaps reverse it so it reads, No! Don't you do that." And have Doctrex react in a way he feels helpless, as he reaches out a hand to comfort her, but stop...something like that. The dialogue by itself just kinds of hangs, suspended)
Here she comes. Hi, mommy." (Mommy)
I noticed that ('that' is not necessary) there were makeshift wooden wheels...
This child who was so energetic before and so talkative now seemed to distance herself (This child, so energetic and talkative before, now seemed to ...)
Thanks again for providing a vehicle for such an incredible ride.
Comment Written 03-May-2014
reply by the author on 03-May-2014
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I can always count on your comments to crispen up my prose, Debbie! I'm glad you point out my tendency to convolute my sentences. The things you cling onto when you first started out, like trying to make your writing sound intelligent by being mysteriously indirect. Thank you so much! I'm pasting it into a folder for after the post drops tomorrow.
Comment from Norbanus
I missed the last segment, but your notes and summary brought me up to speed nicely. The picture you paint of the new family gives us a good view of what to expect. Where does the older daughter fit in? It seem that she will provide a new conflict, but it's still a mystery. Something to ponder.
reply by the author on 03-May-2014
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I missed the last segment, but your notes and summary brought me up to speed nicely. The picture you paint of the new family gives us a good view of what to expect. Where does the older daughter fit in? It seem that she will provide a new conflict, but it's still a mystery. Something to ponder.
Comment Written 03-May-2014
reply by the author on 03-May-2014
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Your questions will be answered next chapter. But it will still leave a mystery.
Comment from Winslow
Dear Jay,
Well written. You present a mystery and the reader wants to know what is going on in the family. What is the relationship of Klea and Sarisa. Why does Sarisa fade into the background in the house?
Warm regards,
Winslow
reply by the author on 02-May-2014
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Dear Jay,
Well written. You present a mystery and the reader wants to know what is going on in the family. What is the relationship of Klea and Sarisa. Why does Sarisa fade into the background in the house?
Warm regards,
Winslow
Comment Written 02-May-2014
reply by the author on 02-May-2014
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Thanks, Winslow for stopping by and reading, and especially for your kind review. Come back often!
Comment from Maltese Falcon
I feel like I am reading an episode of star ears when I read this. no idea why maybe its the picture. anyway you have a well written piece here so well done.
reply by the author on 02-May-2014
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I feel like I am reading an episode of star ears when I read this. no idea why maybe its the picture. anyway you have a well written piece here so well done.
Comment Written 02-May-2014
reply by the author on 02-May-2014
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I have no idea what 'Star ears' is. Thank you so much for your kind comments. It just dawned on me... you meant Star Wars? LOL, well that's compliment enough. Thank you, my friend.
Comment from Tina McKala
Argh, there was almost nothing to comment on :D great chapter! The picture of this new family is very interesting, mainly the older daughter. There is something big going on with her and I'm sure she is going to be crucial for the rest of the story. Very good and awesome imagery!
The dialogue felt very natural and I admire your ability to keep a discussion of 5 people at a time, provide each of them with a distinct voice and always make it clear who was speaking, how and to whom. Great job!
Suggestions:
"Show me where you saw us. It has to be around her[E] someplace. // missing "E"
"Huh-uh," I said, my eyes focusing just above her head, flitting from one thing to another, keeping them averted from her. // I think you have too many "-ing" here - consider dropping "Ã? said" and transform the rest into "My eyes focused just above..."
She nodded. "Yes, sir," she said. She crinkled up her nose. // I'd drop "she said" - it is obvious, but consider putting the nodding and crinkling up her nose together, I think it would improve the flow of this part
She fell silent as we walked.
"No, Metra, it's good that you told me.... // how long have they been silent before Doctrex replied to her? It seems as if the conversation flew smoothly, only the tag about her falling silent kind of spoils it
I seemed compelled to ask them. I was vitally interested in her answers. I was eager to see Klea // no italics
reply by the author on 02-May-2014
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Argh, there was almost nothing to comment on :D great chapter! The picture of this new family is very interesting, mainly the older daughter. There is something big going on with her and I'm sure she is going to be crucial for the rest of the story. Very good and awesome imagery!
The dialogue felt very natural and I admire your ability to keep a discussion of 5 people at a time, provide each of them with a distinct voice and always make it clear who was speaking, how and to whom. Great job!
Suggestions:
"Show me where you saw us. It has to be around her[E] someplace. // missing "E"
"Huh-uh," I said, my eyes focusing just above her head, flitting from one thing to another, keeping them averted from her. // I think you have too many "-ing" here - consider dropping "Ã? said" and transform the rest into "My eyes focused just above..."
She nodded. "Yes, sir," she said. She crinkled up her nose. // I'd drop "she said" - it is obvious, but consider putting the nodding and crinkling up her nose together, I think it would improve the flow of this part
She fell silent as we walked.
"No, Metra, it's good that you told me.... // how long have they been silent before Doctrex replied to her? It seems as if the conversation flew smoothly, only the tag about her falling silent kind of spoils it
I seemed compelled to ask them. I was vitally interested in her answers. I was eager to see Klea // no italics
Comment Written 02-May-2014
reply by the author on 02-May-2014
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Love it, Tina, you're always there with the goods! And your suggestions are superb! I'll wait until the post drops to make the more major changes, but I'll add the missing E right away. Thank you for putting your nose so close to the screen and catching everything. Jay
Comment from Liandra
Another excellent chapter, and quite different from the previous ones.
I'm intrigued as to who these people are and where they connect with Axtilla and the Pomnots.
Now Klasco has mentioned the Pomnots in conversation, there's an opening for Doktrex to investigate.
Deserves a six star, but sorry, I've used them.
Exciting read.
:) LIandra
reply by the author on 02-May-2014
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Another excellent chapter, and quite different from the previous ones.
I'm intrigued as to who these people are and where they connect with Axtilla and the Pomnots.
Now Klasco has mentioned the Pomnots in conversation, there's an opening for Doktrex to investigate.
Deserves a six star, but sorry, I've used them.
Exciting read.
:) LIandra
Comment Written 02-May-2014
reply by the author on 02-May-2014
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Thanks, Liandra. I know how it goes with the 6s. But I'll accept your virtual plaudits. Thnaks for coming back.
Comment from Giddy Nielsen-Sweep
It sounds to me like life is not that much different in fantasy as in reality. I had no problem with the length of the chapter or with the flow of it. I was quite engaged with it all the way through, and enjoyed the read, Giddy
reply by the author on 02-May-2014
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It sounds to me like life is not that much different in fantasy as in reality. I had no problem with the length of the chapter or with the flow of it. I was quite engaged with it all the way through, and enjoyed the read, Giddy
Comment Written 02-May-2014
reply by the author on 02-May-2014
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I'm glad to hear you didn't find it a laborious read. It was actually longer than the preceding chapter, but it wasn't as information intensive this time around. Thank you for continuing on with the novel, Giddy. I love having you around.