The Trining
Viewing comments for Chapter 12 "THE PAPPERING INCIDENT, ETC."A man must discover his identity and destiny.
21 total reviews
Comment from Dashjianta
That's a handy way to learn a new language and all the stuff that goes with it.
Being difficult a moment:
Are all the people in the provinces pacifists? Or are the people in Kabeez different? Just thinking of the story of the escort to protect against robbers...If there are robbers there, why would that same suspicion not extend to the countryside, and Doctrex's sudden appearance?
reply by the author on 27-Nov-2014
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That's a handy way to learn a new language and all the stuff that goes with it.
Being difficult a moment:
Are all the people in the provinces pacifists? Or are the people in Kabeez different? Just thinking of the story of the escort to protect against robbers...If there are robbers there, why would that same suspicion not extend to the countryside, and Doctrex's sudden appearance?
Comment Written 27-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 27-Nov-2014
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You have an excellent point, Alex! I'll have to do a bit of tweaking on that.
Comment from krprice
"In a Kabeez. . . overuse of jovial. Try usual, happy, gay or some other synonym.
Delete unnecessary 'that's.
He removed. . . longer, and. . .
Suggest you check this for commas, particularly before and then.
Good part I.
Karlene
reply by the author on 19-May-2014
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"In a Kabeez. . . overuse of jovial. Try usual, happy, gay or some other synonym.
Delete unnecessary 'that's.
He removed. . . longer, and. . .
Suggest you check this for commas, particularly before and then.
Good part I.
Karlene
Comment Written 19-May-2014
reply by the author on 19-May-2014
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Thank you, Karlene. Will check all these after the post drops. Much appreciated.
Comment from Writingfundimension
Hi, Jay. You always amaze me with the depth of detail in your writing. I think you might just be a screenwriter at heart - everything is so visual. Another gripping and well-written chapter. What an interesting world you create for the reader. :) Bev
reply by the author on 18-May-2014
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Hi, Jay. You always amaze me with the depth of detail in your writing. I think you might just be a screenwriter at heart - everything is so visual. Another gripping and well-written chapter. What an interesting world you create for the reader. :) Bev
Comment Written 18-May-2014
reply by the author on 18-May-2014
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That was such a nice compliment, Bev! I just can't wait for this to evolve into the chapters where the action begins. It's always so good to have you aboard.
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You're very welcome, Jay. :)
Comment from padumachitta
Hi. Oh geez, the star trek universal translator would beso fine:-) As usual I am engaged in this. The 'politics' ae just enough to give it mystery. I like the small details...forinstance the handling of the jerky...it gives it substance.
padumachitta
reply by the author on 17-May-2014
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Hi. Oh geez, the star trek universal translator would beso fine:-) As usual I am engaged in this. The 'politics' ae just enough to give it mystery. I like the small details...forinstance the handling of the jerky...it gives it substance.
padumachitta
Comment Written 17-May-2014
reply by the author on 17-May-2014
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Thank you, padumachitta, especially about the details. Glad that gave it more authenticity. You da bomb!
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You sir, make me smile...ya da big fella huh!
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You sir, make me smile...ya da big fella huh!
Comment from jjstar
Sounds like an interesting plot and bold characters. The writing was quite good, the dialogue pretty natural. The only thing that stopped me from saying it was very good was the heavy use of pronouns throughout and the repeated tags like here: Just for an instant he looked stunned, and then he repeated, "Our new brotherhood, yes." I thought the "and then he repeated was unnecessary." It's the little things...
If you'd like to do some editing I'll adjust rating.
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Suggestions:
They won't know when to stop," he said. He stroked their manes and spoke to them lovingly. In a few moments he ===might want to think about economizing in the pronoun dept. Four hes in four sentences is a lot.
"A toast?" he repeated, but sounding a little like a question, and extended his wine cup toward mine.===you probably don't need the he repeated since you've already said, He turned.."A toast?" It sounded a little like a question.
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 17-May-2014
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Sounds like an interesting plot and bold characters. The writing was quite good, the dialogue pretty natural. The only thing that stopped me from saying it was very good was the heavy use of pronouns throughout and the repeated tags like here: Just for an instant he looked stunned, and then he repeated, "Our new brotherhood, yes." I thought the "and then he repeated was unnecessary." It's the little things...
If you'd like to do some editing I'll adjust rating.
***********************************************************
Suggestions:
They won't know when to stop," he said. He stroked their manes and spoke to them lovingly. In a few moments he ===might want to think about economizing in the pronoun dept. Four hes in four sentences is a lot.
"A toast?" he repeated, but sounding a little like a question, and extended his wine cup toward mine.===you probably don't need the he repeated since you've already said, He turned.."A toast?" It sounded a little like a question.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 17-May-2014
reply by the author on 17-May-2014
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Thanks, my friend, for your meaty suggestions. All taken under advisement. I only change the missed punctuation and the like now and wait until later for the things I need to mull over. So, no need for an upgrade. I just appreciate your eagle eye!!!
Comment from A Matter Of Words
I am jumping into this story several chapters behind, though I believe I have read a couple of others. This post is very well written. I flows well, has realistic dialogue and the there is enough mystery to be solved to keep the reader wanting to read further. I will continue to follow...Stephanie
reply by the author on 17-May-2014
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I am jumping into this story several chapters behind, though I believe I have read a couple of others. This post is very well written. I flows well, has realistic dialogue and the there is enough mystery to be solved to keep the reader wanting to read further. I will continue to follow...Stephanie
Comment Written 17-May-2014
reply by the author on 17-May-2014
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Thank you, Stephanie. The real action is just around the corner. Hope you come back for it.
Comment from Leonardo Wild
Hi Jay,
An interesting piece, where we continue to learn the ways of this world. Good dialogue exchange without the need to show who is talking.
Here a few suggestions:
--seat back
>>seat-back<<
Thought seat back is OK, in the context it is, it is better to make it clear that it is one thing, the back of a seat.
--"Doctrex, I will be telling you something that must be kept only between us. It came from the Counsel of Twelve. The penalty for disclosure would be dire.
>>"Doctrex, I will be telling you something that must be kept only between us. It came from the Counsel of Twelve. The penalty for disclosure would be dire."<<
--Axtilla and Klasco both used the word Trining, but Klasco's Trining, however devastating to the provinces, was small potatoes compared to Axtilla's metaphysical one. The Trining was so powerful a force, she told me, it stilled Kyre's voice in the Tablets. The Tablets ended with the Trining. Was the Trining then a doomsday event? The apocalypse?
>>Even though this is a thought, it is rather long for a thought of this sort to go into italics. I usually try to use italics only sparingly, and when a thought becomes long, it stops being immediate (italics giving thoughts a sense of immediacy if the verb tense--present tense--is used. So maybe you wish to consider making this his thought but a bit more distant, in order not to have to use italics on such a long piece. ...But that's just me.
--What lengths he goes to just to avoid the use of night or tomorrow
>>Awkward "to just to avoid" ...
-20 units from here
I've been thinking about your use of time and distance, and maybe you may wish to consider something other than "units" for a unit of distance, something directly related to the world as usually distances are measured. A foot, and inch, a meter, a knot, are all directly related to a physical object that implies some sort of physical effect on the measure of length or speed. This will help you give such a word a subtext and microdetailing about the world and its people.
--"It will always remain a mystery to me ," I went on
>>"It will always remain a mystery to me," I went on<<
--her speech patterning,
>>her speech delays,<<
--Grossling! Papper! The fact that Klasco and his family didn't go through the same linguistic gyrations with me as Axtilla had meant there was a close relationship between English and their Grossling. One more conundrum to try to work out.
>>*italics start > Grossling! Papper!>*italics start > One more conundrum to try to work out.Just a thought on how I would use italics for this, rather than making the entire thing be italicized.
reply by the author on 17-May-2014
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Hi Jay,
An interesting piece, where we continue to learn the ways of this world. Good dialogue exchange without the need to show who is talking.
Here a few suggestions:
--seat back
>>seat-back<<
Thought seat back is OK, in the context it is, it is better to make it clear that it is one thing, the back of a seat.
--"Doctrex, I will be telling you something that must be kept only between us. It came from the Counsel of Twelve. The penalty for disclosure would be dire.
>>"Doctrex, I will be telling you something that must be kept only between us. It came from the Counsel of Twelve. The penalty for disclosure would be dire."<<
--Axtilla and Klasco both used the word Trining, but Klasco's Trining, however devastating to the provinces, was small potatoes compared to Axtilla's metaphysical one. The Trining was so powerful a force, she told me, it stilled Kyre's voice in the Tablets. The Tablets ended with the Trining. Was the Trining then a doomsday event? The apocalypse?
>>Even though this is a thought, it is rather long for a thought of this sort to go into italics. I usually try to use italics only sparingly, and when a thought becomes long, it stops being immediate (italics giving thoughts a sense of immediacy if the verb tense--present tense--is used. So maybe you wish to consider making this his thought but a bit more distant, in order not to have to use italics on such a long piece. ...But that's just me.
--What lengths he goes to just to avoid the use of night or tomorrow
>>Awkward "to just to avoid" ...
-20 units from here
I've been thinking about your use of time and distance, and maybe you may wish to consider something other than "units" for a unit of distance, something directly related to the world as usually distances are measured. A foot, and inch, a meter, a knot, are all directly related to a physical object that implies some sort of physical effect on the measure of length or speed. This will help you give such a word a subtext and microdetailing about the world and its people.
--"It will always remain a mystery to me ," I went on
>>"It will always remain a mystery to me," I went on<<
--her speech patterning,
>>her speech delays,<<
--Grossling! Papper! The fact that Klasco and his family didn't go through the same linguistic gyrations with me as Axtilla had meant there was a close relationship between English and their Grossling. One more conundrum to try to work out.
>>*italics start > Grossling! Papper!
Comment Written 17-May-2014
reply by the author on 17-May-2014
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Thank you, Leo. YES! With the italics. Before this novel I rarely used italics. Except to rarely emphasize a single word or two, I hated them. In this novel I chose to italicize what is clearly internal speech (and it's almost always -- it should be always!) in the present tense. But, I'll have to re-think that. Thanks for bringing that to my attention.
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Yer welcome, Jay. It was one of those things that bugged me enough in my own writing to start researching the matter deeper.
Comment from Tina McKala
i really can't wait to see where you're going with this story an i hope one day i will buy this book and fall into the story without fanstory interruptions :-)
i'm sorry, i don't have any suggestions this time :-) the conversation flew very smoothly and fell naturally. you do a good job with showing the cultural differences and explaining some background of axtilla (the language). i'm also interested in the story of the "infiltrator" - is there a chance he would turn out to be doctrex? :-)
reply by the author on 17-May-2014
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i really can't wait to see where you're going with this story an i hope one day i will buy this book and fall into the story without fanstory interruptions :-)
i'm sorry, i don't have any suggestions this time :-) the conversation flew very smoothly and fell naturally. you do a good job with showing the cultural differences and explaining some background of axtilla (the language). i'm also interested in the story of the "infiltrator" - is there a chance he would turn out to be doctrex? :-)
Comment Written 17-May-2014
reply by the author on 17-May-2014
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You really know how to turn a guy's head, Tina. I hope one day you'll buy The Trining, too. You're the second person who's mentioned the infiltrator as being Doctrex. Hmmmm. Thanks, Tina.
Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)
A very good chapter. I really do appreciate the glossary of of characters and terms listed at the end. Well written. Your work is easy to read, yet meaningful. Take care, my friend~Debbie
reply by the author on 16-May-2014
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A very good chapter. I really do appreciate the glossary of of characters and terms listed at the end. Well written. Your work is easy to read, yet meaningful. Take care, my friend~Debbie
Comment Written 16-May-2014
reply by the author on 16-May-2014
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So pleased you came back by, Debbie. I appreciate your visits and input.
Comment from lindalcreel
This is a great story. At least your list of characters is short. I write epic fantasy and my list takes up pages. LOL I've had to post them in the author's notes too, because the new readers want to know who all the players are. It comes with the territory. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 16-May-2014
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This is a great story. At least your list of characters is short. I write epic fantasy and my list takes up pages. LOL I've had to post them in the author's notes too, because the new readers want to know who all the players are. It comes with the territory. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 16-May-2014
reply by the author on 16-May-2014
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Thanks, Linda. I have my master list of characters (there will be well over a hundred before the story closes), but I take all the ones I'm not using in the current chapter off the list and put them on the bench (in my folder). That way I'll only have about 20 at a time in the line-up.
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Excellent. Some writers don't understand that certain genres require many characters. I've got a few myself.