Comment from mfowler

Excellent

This is an amazing poem, so different to anything I've seen from you before. Ostensibly, this is a child's poem about the proverbial elephant in the room, but the final reveal that it's a conversation needing to be had about the mother's cancer, hits the reader right between the eyes.
Excellent free verse, with a potent sting in the tail.

 Comment Written 02-Mar-2015

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reply by the author on 07-Mar-2015

Thanks for the great review. To my astonishment, some reviewers didn't seem to notice the last line (or they chose to ignore it) and praised the cute poem about having tea with an elephant.... oh, well.

Steve

Comment from Giddy Nielsen-Sweep

Excellent

This is a very serious piece in which you have identified the feelings of two people skirting around bad news, Steve, and most of us will be able to identify a time when we have done just that. I think you nailed it, Giddy

 Comment Written 01-Mar-2015

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reply by the author on 02-Mar-2015

Thanks, Giddy - glad you enjoyed.

Steve

Comment from amahra

Excellent

I love that art work of the elephant. It's such a cute huge baby. Really loved the poem for is humor and the fact that it was very well written. Great fun reading it.

 Comment Written 01-Mar-2015

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reply by the author on 02-Mar-2015

Thank you!

Steve

Comment from adewpearl

Excellent

great pairing of artwork and poem
Most effective use of the elephant in the room as an actual, literal elephant in the room during this conversation until you finally reveal what the true elephant, in a figurative way, has been there all along, discussion of the mother's dying. This packs a strong emotional punch, my friend. Brooke

 Comment Written 01-Mar-2015

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reply by the author on 02-Mar-2015

Thanks, Brooke. A surprising number of reviewers don't mention the ending, but those who do describe the whammy effect I was aiming for.

Steve

Comment from rama devi

Excellent

Powerful poem. Expressive. Unique. So sad. If it is not fictional, I am sending prayers for your mom.

NOTES:

I like the conversational opening...

Bloody thing just sat there,
swinging his pendulous trunk,
and with this silly look on his face
as if to say,
"Don't mind me. Discuss my greyness if you wish."

Love that imaginary Elephant diction. Discuss my greyness if you wish...ha ha ha! Wondering if a comma preceding IF would be a good idea? Just a thought.

Also recommend a comma here:

A bit awkward(,) really.

Good medley of S sounds in the phonetic phrasing here--and humorous content in these lines:

I slopped your tea in its saucer
as I side-stepped his massive haunches
and had to go back for another chocolate biscuit.


Outstanding satire:

We each took sidelong glances at him
when we thought the other wasn't watching.
I think I saw his ears twitch once,
when we talked about the weather
and how the cyclones in Queensland
had impacted upon the price of bananas.


Good hint of the actual elephant here (showing not telling):
Or was it when you mentioned your appointment tomorrow?

leading to the impacting, poignant and ironic closing:

Should I have shooed him away, Mum?
You've never been dying before.


Warmly,
rd

PS
What a fabulous picture! Makes a good partner for your poem.

 Comment Written 01-Mar-2015

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reply by the author on 02-Mar-2015

Thanks, Rama, for the always thorough review.

My Mum died in 2011 - this relates to my last visit with her shortly before she passed away - we both knew it would be the last time we saw each other, but we spoke of trivialities - yes, the price of bananas...

Steve

reply by rama devi on 02-Mar-2015

Thanks for sharing, Steve. Yes, sometimes what really counts is voiced between the words...even between the price of bananas....

reply by the author on 02-Mar-2015

I hope so - we were never demonstrative and to make a fuss would have seemed false. We both knew I was there to say goodbye and because I loved her.

reply by rama devi on 02-Mar-2015

Yes. Great. True! :) Love, rd

Comment from Mark Valentine

Exceptional

Holy crap! I was enjoying the read, wondering where it was going and then I got to the last line.wow. Easily one of the best things I've read on this site (or anywhere else for that matter). What a perfect articulation of the awkwardness of trying to carry on with life when something so weighty hangs in the air. Six stars aren't enough for this one. Brilliant!

 Comment Written 01-Mar-2015

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reply by the author on 02-Mar-2015

Mark, thanks so much for the great review and the six stars - not to mention the high praise.

Several other reviewers have mentioned the whammy effect of the last line (although quite a few don't seem to have got it at all!)

Steve

Comment from patcelaw

Excellent

This was a good read. We all have times when the elephant in the room is so big that people seem to shy away from the obvious. Loved the art which is prefect for the work. Patricia

 Comment Written 01-Mar-2015

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reply by the author on 02-Mar-2015

Thanks, Pat.

Steve

Comment from TAB_that's me

Excellent

oh. wow hat kind of zapped me. I remember that feeling well last year when my Mother died. I like the way you come to the point of this.
Teresa

 Comment Written 28-Feb-2015

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reply by the author on 02-Mar-2015

Thanks, Teresa.

Steve

Comment from ravenblack

Excellent

The last line is such a shock and works just as it should, a jolt when acknowledging tragic elephants. After the first read I went back and picked-up on your subtle clues: discuss my greyness ( the atmosphere in the room); I slopped your tea (nervousness); sidelong glances and finally the appointment. I sure hope this is not true. Excellent, poignant free Verse and a six if I had one.

 Comment Written 28-Feb-2015

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reply by the author on 02-Mar-2015

Thanks for the great review and the virtual six.

My Mum died in 2011 and this relates to my last visit with her - pretty much as I describe it here...

Steve

Comment from skye

Excellent

Powerful, especially the ending. Your verses captured me, the elephant in the room is the unmentionable, and the ending line is so touching, real, sad.
Excellent.

 Comment Written 28-Feb-2015

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reply by the author on 02-Mar-2015

Thanks for the kind words.

Steve