A Day In Toledo
Contest poem I remember...4 total reviews
Comment from Tatarka2
Your powers of description are evident here. For me, though, the rhyme scheme seemed a bit off. For instance, the first stanza seems to be aa, bb, while the second is ab, ab; then the third is aa, bb (sort of). (Count doesn't really rhyme with part). In the first stanza, I think you could leave out the words "right hand" and the stanza would flow better. In the third stanza, the phrases "did we find" and "St. Augustine and others taking part" seem a bit forced, to me. In the fourth stanza, how about: "We looked on this masterpiece with awe/While my hand moved along her waist/ Here I held a true masterpiece, I thought/ This raven-haired beauty whose lips I sought." Just a few suggestions, humbly offered.
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2015
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Your powers of description are evident here. For me, though, the rhyme scheme seemed a bit off. For instance, the first stanza seems to be aa, bb, while the second is ab, ab; then the third is aa, bb (sort of). (Count doesn't really rhyme with part). In the first stanza, I think you could leave out the words "right hand" and the stanza would flow better. In the third stanza, the phrases "did we find" and "St. Augustine and others taking part" seem a bit forced, to me. In the fourth stanza, how about: "We looked on this masterpiece with awe/While my hand moved along her waist/ Here I held a true masterpiece, I thought/ This raven-haired beauty whose lips I sought." Just a few suggestions, humbly offered.
Comment Written 15-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2015
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Thank you for the comments and suggestions.
Comment from Michael Ludwinder
This is great. I love how you setup the final paragraph comparing her to a masterpiece. I love the repetition of raven hair. In both places it sets a clear mental image. Well done!
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2015
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This is great. I love how you setup the final paragraph comparing her to a masterpiece. I love the repetition of raven hair. In both places it sets a clear mental image. Well done!
Comment Written 15-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2015
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Thank you for the comments.
Comment from visionary1234
Loved your exotic setting for this piece! This one needs to be read aloud, with its interesting assonance used, rather than straight conventional rhyme. And I like the conclusion that you came to - i.e. that the 'real' masterpiece was right there, with you ... Good luck!
:)S
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2015
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Loved your exotic setting for this piece! This one needs to be read aloud, with its interesting assonance used, rather than straight conventional rhyme. And I like the conclusion that you came to - i.e. that the 'real' masterpiece was right there, with you ... Good luck!
:)S
Comment Written 15-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2015
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Thank you for the comment.
Comment from Connie P
I enjoyed this entry for the "I remember" contest. Well written, it should be a good contender. Comparing your companion to the great artistic sights you took in together made the poem very sweet.
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2015
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I enjoyed this entry for the "I remember" contest. Well written, it should be a good contender. Comparing your companion to the great artistic sights you took in together made the poem very sweet.
Comment Written 15-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2015
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Thank you for the comments.