Honoring Commitments
flash fiction 487 words7 total reviews
Comment from nordicgirl
Very few here can write such a complete piece in so few words. You develop the characters, backstory and even inject a cool twist ending. Hard to beat.
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Very few here can write such a complete piece in so few words. You develop the characters, backstory and even inject a cool twist ending. Hard to beat.
Comment Written 15-May-2015
Comment from sandragee
This is a fine example of flash fiction. You have given us well-defined characters, action, a full story and some lines worth repeating in under 500 words. I love the ending. The characters' frustration with each other and life makes the ending believable. Good job!
reply by the author on 15-May-2015
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This is a fine example of flash fiction. You have given us well-defined characters, action, a full story and some lines worth repeating in under 500 words. I love the ending. The characters' frustration with each other and life makes the ending believable. Good job!
Comment Written 14-May-2015
reply by the author on 15-May-2015
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So pleased you enjoyed. Thanks for the encouraging words. mikey
Comment from TPAC
The writer conveys actions in strong measure in the story the feeling of alliance feds and mob rang bell. I guess I thought Feds were there to protect no spy and entrap victims as criminal. I guess as long as one has badge. The writer does a great job with action but harsh conveyance lack milder side of persons in story. Thanks for sharing
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The writer conveys actions in strong measure in the story the feeling of alliance feds and mob rang bell. I guess I thought Feds were there to protect no spy and entrap victims as criminal. I guess as long as one has badge. The writer does a great job with action but harsh conveyance lack milder side of persons in story. Thanks for sharing
Comment Written 13-May-2015
Comment from RodG
Johnny and Delores are a couple who certainly have seen better days long before he became a snitch. I like how we learn about "Johnny" who neither the mob nor the Feds really care about. His instincts ALMOST save him and might have if he hadn't taken the time to berate his spouse. I love the poetic justice of this ending.
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Johnny and Delores are a couple who certainly have seen better days long before he became a snitch. I like how we learn about "Johnny" who neither the mob nor the Feds really care about. His instincts ALMOST save him and might have if he hadn't taken the time to berate his spouse. I love the poetic justice of this ending.
Comment Written 13-May-2015
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
This prompt has thrown up some very diverse offerings this time round.
This was highly enjoyable. Setting each up, with no winner in sight. Good stuff. Well written and engaging.
Who'd want an old stripper anyway. - needs a question mark
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Hi there,
This prompt has thrown up some very diverse offerings this time round.
This was highly enjoyable. Setting each up, with no winner in sight. Good stuff. Well written and engaging.
Who'd want an old stripper anyway. - needs a question mark
Comment Written 13-May-2015
Comment from Brett Matthew West
Should have a warning for language. Story line predictable and ending expected. "threatin'" should be "threaten". "futilly" should be "futilely". Careless proofreading a sign of sloppy writing.
reply by the author on 13-May-2015
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Should have a warning for language. Story line predictable and ending expected. "threatin'" should be "threaten". "futilly" should be "futilely". Careless proofreading a sign of sloppy writing.
Comment Written 13-May-2015
reply by the author on 13-May-2015
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Thank you. I'll put the warning on. Thanks for catching the spag. You come across as dismissive. Should I assume that your skills are so superior that it's a bother to read something of this caliber? Is that your intent?
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I didn't fail to proofread your work before you posted it did I? Or perhaps you feel I should have also written it for you? And, I did read it. How else would I have found errors you should have? Did you read it after you wrote it or just post it? Your sloppy work is not my doing. It is yours. Be more careful with your writing and maybe your mistakes will not be caught by somebody who actually reads before just slapping a score on something to pick up quick Member Cents.
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I didn't mean to imply you didn't read it. I realize you did read it and appreciate the critique. I'm just inquiring about your dismissive attitude. Yes, I would love to see your version of the story. Or perhaps you have some tips to offer me so I might improve it.
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For starters, from "Don't theatin' me Johnny" on is nothing but predictable action. That section needs to be more developed. You give no explanation as to why they kill each other, except the obvious. You have them arriving home and then suddenly turning like rats on each other with no explanation provided. These things lose the reader's interest.
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Okay. Thank you. I'll take a look at those factors. It's difficult with the 500 word limit. But, thus the challenge.
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Let me know when you have it done and I will be glad to re-review it. Maybe even raise my rating.
Comment from Eric1
Hi Mystery author, this is a really well written story for this 'Assassinate me a thriller' competition.
Great story line, the characters are very well drawn and the dialogue is really believable, that ending was also inspirational.
A thoroughly good entertaining story and I wish you luck my friend.
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Hi Mystery author, this is a really well written story for this 'Assassinate me a thriller' competition.
Great story line, the characters are very well drawn and the dialogue is really believable, that ending was also inspirational.
A thoroughly good entertaining story and I wish you luck my friend.
Comment Written 13-May-2015