The Birthday Party
Dead, but not departed19 total reviews
Comment from giraffmang
Hi Ingrid,
Another great write.
Nothing much more to say for this one.
I think the voting booth should be very interesting for this competition, some really good entries.
The interpretation of murder by the dead twin really got me, too.The ambiguity of the piece is interesting as well.
Great stuff and good luck.
G
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2015
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Hi Ingrid,
Another great write.
Nothing much more to say for this one.
I think the voting booth should be very interesting for this competition, some really good entries.
The interpretation of murder by the dead twin really got me, too.The ambiguity of the piece is interesting as well.
Great stuff and good luck.
G
Comment Written 02-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2015
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With Dean on the slate, I expect to lose gracefully, but I thank you for the kind words and the stars.
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I voted for yours. Personally, I think your story pipped his.
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That's genuinely sweet. And, I appreciate the vote.
Comment from dmt1967
This is a spooky story. A dead kid is always more terrifying than an adult and you always feel sorry for it, but the dead twin was horrid blaming the mother like that. Good luck in the contest and thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2015
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This is a spooky story. A dead kid is always more terrifying than an adult and you always feel sorry for it, but the dead twin was horrid blaming the mother like that. Good luck in the contest and thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 02-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2015
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Tried to leave readers wondering if Kate was a poltergeist or whether Amy was mentally ill. Thanks.
Comment from barkingdog
This is very well written. It looks like Amy has some mental problems and her mother may have some bigger ones tomorrow. I can't imagine losing one child in childbirth and find out later that the other one may be mentally ill.
The dialogue was perfect. Kate came across as the very dangerous half of a possible split-personality.
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2015
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This is very well written. It looks like Amy has some mental problems and her mother may have some bigger ones tomorrow. I can't imagine losing one child in childbirth and find out later that the other one may be mentally ill.
The dialogue was perfect. Kate came across as the very dangerous half of a possible split-personality.
Comment Written 02-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2015
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Tried to leave the question in the air. Was Amy sick or was Kate really around. Thanks.
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If you hadn't mentioned the pills, I might have taken it either way. The medical intervention led me to believe that she had been diagnosed and a professional felt she needed medication.
I do like the possibility of a haunting though.
You got my vote. It is a mind bending story. Creepy.
:) e
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I thank you for the vote. With Dean on the slate, my winning is unlikely, but I really thank you for the support.
Comment from Dean Kuch
So, darling Kate wasn't your average, run-of-the-mill ghost. At least, not if she was slamming cupboards and picking objects up off of the floor and holding them above her and Amy's mother's head, she wasn't. She was what's commonly known as a poltergeist. Really, all the word poltergeist is is a fancy German word for spirits that can manifest their presence by creating noises, knockings, and basic chaos.
Not only is dear Kate a poltergeist, she's a bitter poltergeist, which is even worse. Of course, I kinda emapathise with Kate. After all, Amy's alive and gets to enjoy parties, food and everything else that life has to offer. Some day, she'll meet a guy, (who'll probably break her heart), fall in love, and might even get married and have children of her own one day. But, not Kate. Kate will never experience those sorts of things because, quite frankly... Kate was born dead.
Excellent story, Ingrid.
Good luck to you in the contest...
~Dean
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2015
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So, darling Kate wasn't your average, run-of-the-mill ghost. At least, not if she was slamming cupboards and picking objects up off of the floor and holding them above her and Amy's mother's head, she wasn't. She was what's commonly known as a poltergeist. Really, all the word poltergeist is is a fancy German word for spirits that can manifest their presence by creating noises, knockings, and basic chaos.
Not only is dear Kate a poltergeist, she's a bitter poltergeist, which is even worse. Of course, I kinda emapathise with Kate. After all, Amy's alive and gets to enjoy parties, food and everything else that life has to offer. Some day, she'll meet a guy, (who'll probably break her heart), fall in love, and might even get married and have children of her own one day. But, not Kate. Kate will never experience those sorts of things because, quite frankly... Kate was born dead.
Excellent story, Ingrid.
Good luck to you in the contest...
~Dean
Comment Written 01-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2015
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So now I know the difference between a ghost and a poltergeist. Thanks.
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Sure, anytime. Like I said, it's a great story. I had no constructive criticism, or any other suggestions for improvement, to offer you. You can't fix perfection, and you can do little than say you enjoyed it if there's nothing needs fixin'.
Dean
Comment from judiverse
What an intriguing story. The idea of one twin making it and the other one dying is really creative, and you do a great job of showing how Kate keeps coming back, telling Amy that her mother killed her. Amy is more and more obsessed with Kate, but the conflict is going on within her. It's significant that this is her 10th birthday, and she's been struggling with her issues for a while. Kate is becoming more and more dominant, like a split personality. Poor Mommy. My only question was a few of the words Amy uses--panic attack, sinister. Best of luck in the contest. judi
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2015
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What an intriguing story. The idea of one twin making it and the other one dying is really creative, and you do a great job of showing how Kate keeps coming back, telling Amy that her mother killed her. Amy is more and more obsessed with Kate, but the conflict is going on within her. It's significant that this is her 10th birthday, and she's been struggling with her issues for a while. Kate is becoming more and more dominant, like a split personality. Poor Mommy. My only question was a few of the words Amy uses--panic attack, sinister. Best of luck in the contest. judi
Comment Written 01-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2015
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You may be right. A little too sophisticated for a ten-year-old. Thanks.
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You're welcome. Of course it's possible she's heard words like "panic attack" if she's been receiving therapy and knows what they mean. judi
Comment from Gypsy Blue Rose
I enjoyed reading your story, you did a great job developing the characters and the plot; also, I like the attractive format that enhances the story. Good job!
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2015
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I enjoyed reading your story, you did a great job developing the characters and the plot; also, I like the attractive format that enhances the story. Good job!
Comment Written 30-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2015
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Many thanks for reading and reviewing.
Comment from Linda Engel
excellent story concept. What is better for a spine chilling page turner than a set of twins. Very creative. Can definitely see this expanded into a full story with antics happening through the years leading up to the possible murder of mom. Does Amy kill her mother or kill the memory of her sister Kate? This gave me chills.
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2015
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excellent story concept. What is better for a spine chilling page turner than a set of twins. Very creative. Can definitely see this expanded into a full story with antics happening through the years leading up to the possible murder of mom. Does Amy kill her mother or kill the memory of her sister Kate? This gave me chills.
Comment Written 30-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2015
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Kate and Amy would have an incredible war if murder was the goal. Twin rivalry to be individuals could never be personified as well as one dead and the other alive, but I don't have it in my heart to take this to 100K words. Thanks so much for the generous review and stars.
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ok but every now and then just write a new chapter. This would go well with Dean's "Tiny Tales of Horror" very good work
Comment from Mark Valentine
Wow - just when you think you've read every story there is to read - a million variations of "boy meets girl", "underdog triumphs against the odds", "Trusted neighbor turns out to be psychopath", etc., along comes something completely original. Stephen King meets "The Lovely Bones". Not only a scary story, but a profound character study, and glimpse into the world of survivor guilt. Fantastic story - one of the best I've read on this site.
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2015
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Wow - just when you think you've read every story there is to read - a million variations of "boy meets girl", "underdog triumphs against the odds", "Trusted neighbor turns out to be psychopath", etc., along comes something completely original. Stephen King meets "The Lovely Bones". Not only a scary story, but a profound character study, and glimpse into the world of survivor guilt. Fantastic story - one of the best I've read on this site.
Comment Written 29-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2015
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Well, I can never get a shot from caffeine that works as well as this fantastic review does to give me a start to the day. Thanks so much for your very kind words and the bonus star.
Comment from jpduck
I thought this was a wonderfully imaginative response to the prompt.
Various bits and pieces. (Square brackets indicate suggested deletions, and asterisks, suggested insertions):
'on account of she's the oldest*;*[--]by minutes--but she came first' (As it stands, the 'but' relates to 'she's the oldest' -- which is a statement of the obvious. Swapping the first emdash for a semicolon makes the 'but' relate to 'by minutes', which IS the point).
'It's my birthday too, you know' (You have 'you know' in two consecutive paragraphs. This one feels appropriate, but the previous one feels marginally odd to me, so I would delete that one).
'She's blowing up some new balloons.' (Close quote marks after this. Also delete the succeding paragraph break as it is the mother continuing to speak).
Adrian
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2015
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I thought this was a wonderfully imaginative response to the prompt.
Various bits and pieces. (Square brackets indicate suggested deletions, and asterisks, suggested insertions):
'on account of she's the oldest*;*[--]by minutes--but she came first' (As it stands, the 'but' relates to 'she's the oldest' -- which is a statement of the obvious. Swapping the first emdash for a semicolon makes the 'but' relate to 'by minutes', which IS the point).
'It's my birthday too, you know' (You have 'you know' in two consecutive paragraphs. This one feels appropriate, but the previous one feels marginally odd to me, so I would delete that one).
'She's blowing up some new balloons.' (Close quote marks after this. Also delete the succeding paragraph break as it is the mother continuing to speak).
Adrian
Comment Written 29-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2015
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I always really appreciate your reviews and technical help. Thanks.
Comment from maggieadams
Oh, this is a difficult story. I have several identical sets of twins who are amazing friends...they can finish each others sentences. I just finished a Jodi Piccoult novel that deals with phychic powers and how the spirits control people's lives. I don't believe in that but your story goes al long ways in convincing the reader that it is possible. Great job.
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2015
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Oh, this is a difficult story. I have several identical sets of twins who are amazing friends...they can finish each others sentences. I just finished a Jodi Piccoult novel that deals with phychic powers and how the spirits control people's lives. I don't believe in that but your story goes al long ways in convincing the reader that it is possible. Great job.
Comment Written 28-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2015
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This could just as easily be reworked to be a multiple personality disorder. but I like imaginary friends and am partial to ghosts. Thanks for reading.