2015 Haiku
Viewing comments for Chapter 55 "haiku (conch shell)"A collection of haiku I wrote in 2015
17 total reviews
Comment from seaglass
This poem brings back the memories of listening to the sound of the sea by placing a Shell to our ear. I have a conch shell that I prize greatly. This picture presets the poem nicely.
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2015
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This poem brings back the memories of listening to the sound of the sea by placing a Shell to our ear. I have a conch shell that I prize greatly. This picture presets the poem nicely.
Comment Written 15-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2015
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Thank you Seaglass, a lot of people say the same thing, share that same memory, me too.
Comment from skye
conch shell
washed ashore by the tide
ocean in my hand
Inside those shells is a complete different world.
Excellent.
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2015
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conch shell
washed ashore by the tide
ocean in my hand
Inside those shells is a complete different world.
Excellent.
Comment Written 14-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2015
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Thank you skye
Comment from Julia.
Second review: rating raised to five stars! Definitely tighter now.
First review:
Dear poet, I like the concept of this. Anyone who has lived near the ocean learns as a kid that one can put a large shell to their ear and "hear" the ocean.
That said, I think that there are a couple of opportunities to tighten up the poem. In the first line, do you need "spiral"? It's implied by "conch". In the second line, consider eliminating "is". The verb tends to make this statement about something that happens over some time, rather than a captured instant. So then the first two lines would be down to:
conch shell
washed ashore by the tide
Just something to think about. Good luck in the contest!
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2015
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Second review: rating raised to five stars! Definitely tighter now.
First review:
Dear poet, I like the concept of this. Anyone who has lived near the ocean learns as a kid that one can put a large shell to their ear and "hear" the ocean.
That said, I think that there are a couple of opportunities to tighten up the poem. In the first line, do you need "spiral"? It's implied by "conch". In the second line, consider eliminating "is". The verb tends to make this statement about something that happens over some time, rather than a captured instant. So then the first two lines would be down to:
conch shell
washed ashore by the tide
Just something to think about. Good luck in the contest!
Comment Written 14-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2015
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Thank you Julia :)
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You're very welcome. And I've raised the rating to five stars. :)
Comment from Lovinia
Hi Mystery Poet
I like this because of the solid concrete images and the direct observation of your last line. I do feel it is a little verbose in the use of unnecessary words such as 'is/by the/in my. One of the purposes of a haiku is to avoid excess word use. Light and elegant is often a good way to think when reading a haiku ... thus, I feel this is a little 'heavy'. This is only my opinion and you may not agree which is fine, I'm just conveying some of the knowledge I have of the form. I do see excellent potential in your poem and I reach for the 'aha' ... yet I have to stretch. My intention is not to offend, merely to provide feedback ... despite what could be improved, I find it second or third best in this contest.
Unless it is really important to you, I would delete 'spiral'. I would suggest the reader will form their own image of the "conch shell", and this is so much lighter. Then something like ... "tumbles in tidal wash" (ashore is implied imho), or you may have one of your own.
conch shell
tumbles in tidal wash
hand held roar
conch shell
my hand holds the ocean
washed by the tides
Just suggestions ... you may not like any of them. I hope this has helped, otherwise disregard. :) I wish you the best of luck in the contest. Warm Regards - Lovinia xoxo
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2015
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Hi Mystery Poet
I like this because of the solid concrete images and the direct observation of your last line. I do feel it is a little verbose in the use of unnecessary words such as 'is/by the/in my. One of the purposes of a haiku is to avoid excess word use. Light and elegant is often a good way to think when reading a haiku ... thus, I feel this is a little 'heavy'. This is only my opinion and you may not agree which is fine, I'm just conveying some of the knowledge I have of the form. I do see excellent potential in your poem and I reach for the 'aha' ... yet I have to stretch. My intention is not to offend, merely to provide feedback ... despite what could be improved, I find it second or third best in this contest.
Unless it is really important to you, I would delete 'spiral'. I would suggest the reader will form their own image of the "conch shell", and this is so much lighter. Then something like ... "tumbles in tidal wash" (ashore is implied imho), or you may have one of your own.
conch shell
tumbles in tidal wash
hand held roar
conch shell
my hand holds the ocean
washed by the tides
Just suggestions ... you may not like any of them. I hope this has helped, otherwise disregard. :) I wish you the best of luck in the contest. Warm Regards - Lovinia xoxo
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 14-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2015
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I hear what you are trying to say but I have reasons to keep my haiku as is, many people agree with me because this haiku has received excellent review. I want to make sure 2 lines are grammatically connected and make sure to lead towars hearing the ocean waves inside the spiral conch, since you can't do it in other conches.
Thank you for the review.T
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Hi
I didn't know that *spiral* were the only conch shells to 'hear' the sea. I understand where you come from now and perfectly understand what you want here. As I mentioned, I thought yours was one of the better poems in the contest because I could feel the intent behind your subject, which is deeply thoughtful. I wish you the best of luck, I'm sure you;; do well. Hugs - Lovinia xoxo
Comment from misscookie
I love the artwork of this beautiful shell
I once had one and my children loved to heard the sound of the ocean.
Your artwork is a perfect match for your poem.
Thank you for sharing.
Cookie
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2015
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I love the artwork of this beautiful shell
I once had one and my children loved to heard the sound of the ocean.
Your artwork is a perfect match for your poem.
Thank you for sharing.
Cookie
Comment Written 14-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2015
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Thank you misscookies :)
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You're very welcome. Until next time.
Cookie
Comment from Jeanie Mercer
I always used to enjoy holding a shell up to my ear because I'd heard you could hear the sound of ocean if you listened carefully. I like the imagery here, and of course relate personally to the satori. Good luck to you, Jeanie Mercer
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2015
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I always used to enjoy holding a shell up to my ear because I'd heard you could hear the sound of ocean if you listened carefully. I like the imagery here, and of course relate personally to the satori. Good luck to you, Jeanie Mercer
Comment Written 14-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2015
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thank you Jeanie :)
Comment from meggie13
When you place the conch shell on your ear you can hear the sound of the ocean. As a child I was captivated by it. Very good imagery. The picture used is the perfect one for your poem. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2015
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When you place the conch shell on your ear you can hear the sound of the ocean. As a child I was captivated by it. Very good imagery. The picture used is the perfect one for your poem. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 13-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2015
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I did the same Meggie, that is the whole idea of having the ocean in your hand
Thank you for the lovely review.
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You are so welcome. It was fun, wasn't it?
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yes
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I thought so.
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I thought so.
Comment from Clover77
Well written poem; simple and to the point. A beautiful image to go along with it. Well done, and good luck on future work.
~Julia
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2015
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Well written poem; simple and to the point. A beautiful image to go along with it. Well done, and good luck on future work.
~Julia
Comment Written 13-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2015
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Thank you very much clover, I appreciate your review. ;)
Comment from Mark Schardine
This small object contains, as you indicate, the essence of the ocean. Formed as a defense, it sheltered, and can shelter again. We try to understand and in the midst of our observations a sense of wonder prevails.
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2015
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This small object contains, as you indicate, the essence of the ocean. Formed as a defense, it sheltered, and can shelter again. We try to understand and in the midst of our observations a sense of wonder prevails.
Comment Written 13-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2015
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Thank you very much Mark, I appreciate your review. ;)
Comment from Dean Kuch
There ya go, Gypsy Blu Rose. Now you're catching on. Two grammatically interconnected lines...check. A Kigo, or seasonal reference...check (rarely do you see anyone on the beach in the wintertime). And. last but certainly not least, your satori line which is a bit of reflection--or observation--of the two previous lines...check.
And let's not forget the presentation, which is awesome as always.
A nicely composed, well written haiku. Good luck!
~Dean ;)
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2015
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There ya go, Gypsy Blu Rose. Now you're catching on. Two grammatically interconnected lines...check. A Kigo, or seasonal reference...check (rarely do you see anyone on the beach in the wintertime). And. last but certainly not least, your satori line which is a bit of reflection--or observation--of the two previous lines...check.
And let's not forget the presentation, which is awesome as always.
A nicely composed, well written haiku. Good luck!
~Dean ;)
Comment Written 13-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2015
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Thank you very much Dean, your review means a lot to me. ;)
((((((red face))))))
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Anytime, my friend. :}