2015 Haiku
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "haiku (where green trees)"A collection of haiku I wrote in 2015
21 total reviews
Comment from TAB_that's me
This follows the rules and has a seasonal reference with 'hot'. Great satori and vivid imagery. Good luck in the contest.
Teresa
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2015
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This follows the rules and has a seasonal reference with 'hot'. Great satori and vivid imagery. Good luck in the contest.
Teresa
Comment Written 03-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2015
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Thank you Teresa :)
Comment from Mystic Angel 7777
This meets the contest requirements splendidly with a correct line and syllable count. You create a wonderful picture and close it with a solid observation. I wish you all the best in the voting and thank you very much for sharing it.
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2015
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This meets the contest requirements splendidly with a correct line and syllable count. You create a wonderful picture and close it with a solid observation. I wish you all the best in the voting and thank you very much for sharing it.
Comment Written 03-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2015
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Thank you Mystic Angel :)
Comment from Brett Matthew West
Well written poem takes readers out among those green trees and the Eastern part of the country where they can better experience this scene for themselves. Should be a good contest entry also.
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2015
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Well written poem takes readers out among those green trees and the Eastern part of the country where they can better experience this scene for themselves. Should be a good contest entry also.
Comment Written 02-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2015
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Thank you Brett :)
Comment from rjuselius
"where green trees
touch the hot eastern sky
blinded by light"
i think the satori is very inventive and brings a nice aha-moment as a good haiku should. very well executed in my humble opinion.
thank you for sharing!
good luck!
blessigns!
rebekka x
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2015
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"where green trees
touch the hot eastern sky
blinded by light"
i think the satori is very inventive and brings a nice aha-moment as a good haiku should. very well executed in my humble opinion.
thank you for sharing!
good luck!
blessigns!
rebekka x
Comment Written 02-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2015
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Thank you :)
Comment from Glasstruth
This reminds me of Redwood trees that tower above so high. You paint a very vivid picture with so few words. Read your author notes which has quite a bit of rules to follow. Well crafted. Les
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2015
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This reminds me of Redwood trees that tower above so high. You paint a very vivid picture with so few words. Read your author notes which has quite a bit of rules to follow. Well crafted. Les
Comment Written 02-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2015
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Thank you glasstruth :)
Comment from rama devi
Second review
Good job!
First review (FOUR stars)
This is highly descriptive and meets all the requirements of the contest. However, it is weakened by the use of THE in all three lines. Ideally, short forms like haiku will use intense word economy so that each syllable gets maximum mileage in meaning. Filler words like THE are often discarded. while permissible to use, they weaken the voicing. Best to avoid them or use only once--not in all three lines. As the form is 17 syllables or LESS, I recommend trimming them out. The poem still works without them...and works better, too!
where green trees
touch hot eastern sky
blinded by light
Good luck in the contest. If you decide to trim those THEs (at least two) I'll be happy to upgrade my rating.
Hope that helps!
Warmly, rd
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2015
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Second review
Good job!
First review (FOUR stars)
This is highly descriptive and meets all the requirements of the contest. However, it is weakened by the use of THE in all three lines. Ideally, short forms like haiku will use intense word economy so that each syllable gets maximum mileage in meaning. Filler words like THE are often discarded. while permissible to use, they weaken the voicing. Best to avoid them or use only once--not in all three lines. As the form is 17 syllables or LESS, I recommend trimming them out. The poem still works without them...and works better, too!
where green trees
touch hot eastern sky
blinded by light
Good luck in the contest. If you decide to trim those THEs (at least two) I'll be happy to upgrade my rating.
Hope that helps!
Warmly, rd
Comment Written 01-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2015
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Thank you :) I will trim my 'the's
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Great--upgrading!
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thank you :)
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Welcome :)
Comment from tfawcus
What a marvellous image of sunrise, with the blinding rays of the new day bursting through the foliage of a tree. There is a biblical suggestion here too, with the hot Eastern sun, which reminds one of the three wise men and the birth of Christ.
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2015
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What a marvellous image of sunrise, with the blinding rays of the new day bursting through the foliage of a tree. There is a biblical suggestion here too, with the hot Eastern sun, which reminds one of the three wise men and the birth of Christ.
Comment Written 01-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2015
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Wow, I didn't plan that but it sounds good.. Thank you for the review.
Comment from Jeanie Mercer
This is a pretty image, but the reason I rated it four stars is that it uses personification which the rules do not allow. ("green trees KISS the sky" personifies the trees.) Let me know if you change that and I will consider changing my rating. I would hate for this to be disqualified by the rules committee. (I am not a member of the committee, by the way.) Good luck to you, Jeanie Mercer
P.S. You have fixed the personification, and I am changing the rating to 5 stars.
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2015
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This is a pretty image, but the reason I rated it four stars is that it uses personification which the rules do not allow. ("green trees KISS the sky" personifies the trees.) Let me know if you change that and I will consider changing my rating. I would hate for this to be disqualified by the rules committee. (I am not a member of the committee, by the way.) Good luck to you, Jeanie Mercer
P.S. You have fixed the personification, and I am changing the rating to 5 stars.
Comment Written 01-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2015
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Thank you Jeanie, one other person mentioned the same. Would it be personafication if I say 'touch'? Thank you :)
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In my opinion, "touch" would not personify the trees.
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I changed it. Please, let me know if it is still personified.
where the green trees
sway in hot eastern sky
blinded by the light
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Some might consider "blinded by the light" to be personification if it's the trees that are blinded. Have you considered something like this:
green trees
sway in hot eastern sky
light blinds
That provides two concrete images, and it leaves the object of the blinding light subject to interpretation of the reader, without personification.
Comment from Ben Colder
Need to put on your shades to look into this topic. Good contest piece. Good syllable count Best of luck to you. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2015
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Need to put on your shades to look into this topic. Good contest piece. Good syllable count Best of luck to you. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 01-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2015
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Thank you Ben :)
Comment from mermaids
I can see the green trees kissing the sky, excellent use of words to create a scene of nature. Your haiku form takes the reader out into nature and one sees the natural world.
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2015
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I can see the green trees kissing the sky, excellent use of words to create a scene of nature. Your haiku form takes the reader out into nature and one sees the natural world.
Comment Written 01-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2015
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Thank you mermaids :)