For You Have Gone
a Crown Of Sonnets (complete)27 total reviews
Comment from mountainwriter49
HI, Dawn,
I am so proud of you for writing a Crown of Shakespearean sonnets. BRAVO!
The theme you have chosen for this Crown is well suited for the Shakespearean sonnet form. Love, broken hearts, faith, renewal are all so appropriate for the form.
Overall, I found your use of iambic pentameter and enjambment most excellent. There were just a few issues and I've noted them in the detailed comments below.
The end rhymes are strong and effective and I admire your use of slant rhymes. There are several rhyme pattern issues as noted below.
The turns work well in most of the sonnets. The 7th, however, doesn't seem to have one.
The closing couplets, I think, could use some tweaking so they stand on their own as overall commentary about the poem. In several sonnets the couplets were merely continuations of stanza 3.
You did very well with your first Crown. These are daunting things to write and it is so easy to miss a rhyme pattern or be off in meter. I'm awarding the 6 because of your excellent efforts and I know you're the type of poet who will work on the suggested improvements.
Please let me know if you've questions or have comments.
-Ray
Please let me speak a bit more specifically on the Crown.
1
Excellent rhymes and in proper pattern. The iambics are strong and the metrical substitution in L14 works well: "....with YOU - HARD HEART ed MAN.
The turn is effective and well developed in stanza 3.
2
The meter, enjambment and rhymes are spot-on. The turn works well in line 9. I do have two concerns with this sonnet. First, line 1 just doesn't seem to make sense to me. While it made sense when coupled with line 13 in sonnet 1, here, as a stand alone line, it just seems to be there. When writing Crowns, it is important that the repeating line can take a life of its own from sonnet to sonnet. For me, the line just feels forced to meet the form.
The closing couplet is a continuation of stanza 3. In the Shakespearean sonnet form, it is the couplet which is the most important part. It should provide an overall commentary or statement about the poem.
3
The meter works well in all lines except line 12. I am scanning it as follows:
the HIS to RY with my SIB lings FAR too SAD. The line has 11 syllables, thus throwing off the iambs.
Line 1 works well, but I think it would be more effective to enjamb it with line 2. For example:
I swear to God, I'm sorry yet again![,]
B[b]ut twenty years must buy a memory
The closing couplet serves as a continuation of the third stanza rather than an overall commentary, statement, etc.
The use of enjambment in the sonnet is excellent as are the end rhymes.
4
The meter and enjambment are well done. The turn is effective and well developed in stanza three.
The rhyme pattern is off. It should be
abab cdcd efef gg, but it is
abab cdcd efef ff
The repeating rhymes are: coal / whole / soul / hole
The couplet is a continuation of stanza 3 as noted in previous comments.
5
The meter, enjambment and rhymes work very well. You do so well with enjambment--a critical element when writing good sonnets. I must admit I did not think moon / ruin were rhymes, but Merriman-Webster.com tells me they are since ruin has at least three acceptable pronunciations. The closing couplet works well in this sonnet.
6
The iambics are solid as is the enjambment. The turn is very effective in line 10. I like that you varied from the traditional line 9 turn. The couplet is merely a continuation of stanza 3.
The rhyme pattern is off. Its pattern is: abab cdcd efef dd
day / way / say / away
7
The iambics and enjambment are spot-on.
I'm not sensing a turn in stanza 3. It reads more as a continuation of stanza 2. Am I missing the turn?
The rhyme pattern is off. It's abab caca dede ff
away / pray / stay / way
reply by the author on 21-May-2016
  |
HI, Dawn,
I am so proud of you for writing a Crown of Shakespearean sonnets. BRAVO!
The theme you have chosen for this Crown is well suited for the Shakespearean sonnet form. Love, broken hearts, faith, renewal are all so appropriate for the form.
Overall, I found your use of iambic pentameter and enjambment most excellent. There were just a few issues and I've noted them in the detailed comments below.
The end rhymes are strong and effective and I admire your use of slant rhymes. There are several rhyme pattern issues as noted below.
The turns work well in most of the sonnets. The 7th, however, doesn't seem to have one.
The closing couplets, I think, could use some tweaking so they stand on their own as overall commentary about the poem. In several sonnets the couplets were merely continuations of stanza 3.
You did very well with your first Crown. These are daunting things to write and it is so easy to miss a rhyme pattern or be off in meter. I'm awarding the 6 because of your excellent efforts and I know you're the type of poet who will work on the suggested improvements.
Please let me know if you've questions or have comments.
-Ray
Please let me speak a bit more specifically on the Crown.
1
Excellent rhymes and in proper pattern. The iambics are strong and the metrical substitution in L14 works well: "....with YOU - HARD HEART ed MAN.
The turn is effective and well developed in stanza 3.
2
The meter, enjambment and rhymes are spot-on. The turn works well in line 9. I do have two concerns with this sonnet. First, line 1 just doesn't seem to make sense to me. While it made sense when coupled with line 13 in sonnet 1, here, as a stand alone line, it just seems to be there. When writing Crowns, it is important that the repeating line can take a life of its own from sonnet to sonnet. For me, the line just feels forced to meet the form.
The closing couplet is a continuation of stanza 3. In the Shakespearean sonnet form, it is the couplet which is the most important part. It should provide an overall commentary or statement about the poem.
3
The meter works well in all lines except line 12. I am scanning it as follows:
the HIS to RY with my SIB lings FAR too SAD. The line has 11 syllables, thus throwing off the iambs.
Line 1 works well, but I think it would be more effective to enjamb it with line 2. For example:
I swear to God, I'm sorry yet again![,]
B[b]ut twenty years must buy a memory
The closing couplet serves as a continuation of the third stanza rather than an overall commentary, statement, etc.
The use of enjambment in the sonnet is excellent as are the end rhymes.
4
The meter and enjambment are well done. The turn is effective and well developed in stanza three.
The rhyme pattern is off. It should be
abab cdcd efef gg, but it is
abab cdcd efef ff
The repeating rhymes are: coal / whole / soul / hole
The couplet is a continuation of stanza 3 as noted in previous comments.
5
The meter, enjambment and rhymes work very well. You do so well with enjambment--a critical element when writing good sonnets. I must admit I did not think moon / ruin were rhymes, but Merriman-Webster.com tells me they are since ruin has at least three acceptable pronunciations. The closing couplet works well in this sonnet.
6
The iambics are solid as is the enjambment. The turn is very effective in line 10. I like that you varied from the traditional line 9 turn. The couplet is merely a continuation of stanza 3.
The rhyme pattern is off. Its pattern is: abab cdcd efef dd
day / way / say / away
7
The iambics and enjambment are spot-on.
I'm not sensing a turn in stanza 3. It reads more as a continuation of stanza 2. Am I missing the turn?
The rhyme pattern is off. It's abab caca dede ff
away / pray / stay / way
Comment Written 21-May-2016
reply by the author on 21-May-2016
-
You are a Godsend - BUT RAY, this was the first one - the second one, too, is practice for the big event - the Crown of Heroic Sonnets - I needed this review ages ago! LOL!!! (whimper) I disabled the second Crown just this afternoon with the intention of bringing it back, so I'll do that now - IT is still paying, and so is the Hero guy. :))
Thanks so much! YOU'RE my hero. :)) Oh yes, and you remembered and sent me a PM!!! YAY - copied and keeping the notes! Bless you!
-
OOPS! "The Fool I Am" (Crown #2) is NOT still paying - sorry. But your notes for the first one are simply wonderful!!! I've copied and pasted them into word to work on these - I am so grateful!
Comment from fastdigits
A writing of poignant feelings
enhanced with the softness of
the music you have chosen, that
then merges with your work of
art that seductively takes the
reader from stage to stage in
the choreography of of emotions
that dance down the page.
Well done
reply by the author on 13-May-2016
 |
A writing of poignant feelings
enhanced with the softness of
the music you have chosen, that
then merges with your work of
art that seductively takes the
reader from stage to stage in
the choreography of of emotions
that dance down the page.
Well done
Comment Written 12-May-2016
reply by the author on 13-May-2016
-
What a marvelous review! And for such a lengthy piece that is no longer paying! I am in your debt, and headed your way immediately!
Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)
You finished it. I would love to hear you read it. Fanstory is supposed to let you do that, but I tried it and couldn't figure it out. It is at the end of the posting page under special options. This is so well done, Dawn. Just wonderful, my friend~Debbie
|
You finished it. I would love to hear you read it. Fanstory is supposed to let you do that, but I tried it and couldn't figure it out. It is at the end of the posting page under special options. This is so well done, Dawn. Just wonderful, my friend~Debbie
Comment Written 19-Apr-2016
Comment from DonandVicki
Wow, I can only imagine how much time and effort that you must have put into writting this lovely poem. It speaks of love lost but a rebound of spirit.
|
Wow, I can only imagine how much time and effort that you must have put into writting this lovely poem. It speaks of love lost but a rebound of spirit.
Comment Written 18-Apr-2016
Comment from barbara.wilkey
I don't understand where all my sixes went. I thought I had 4 more after I gave you this one. Oh well, back to the point. This poem is beautiful. After I read, I simply paused and reflected
|
I don't understand where all my sixes went. I thought I had 4 more after I gave you this one. Oh well, back to the point. This poem is beautiful. After I read, I simply paused and reflected
Comment Written 18-Apr-2016
Comment from foxangie123
I read this. The title makes me cry as you know that I fear right now with my family in the condition they are. It is great then, now, forever. Way to go Hun.
|
I read this. The title makes me cry as you know that I fear right now with my family in the condition they are. It is great then, now, forever. Way to go Hun.
Comment Written 18-Apr-2016
Comment from I am Cat
Beautifully done. I read it aloud. And though, I know I can't do it justice, I think I know exactly how you would be reading it, Dawn.
It's truly lovely. and I feel each nuance that you've written. It's not missed or wasted on this reader... It's absolutely breathtaking...
You've lived it... for the most part, and I can feel it, for all parts... well done... heart and soul. you're a poet. ;)
Hugs
Cat
|
Beautifully done. I read it aloud. And though, I know I can't do it justice, I think I know exactly how you would be reading it, Dawn.
It's truly lovely. and I feel each nuance that you've written. It's not missed or wasted on this reader... It's absolutely breathtaking...
You've lived it... for the most part, and I can feel it, for all parts... well done... heart and soul. you're a poet. ;)
Hugs
Cat
Comment Written 18-Apr-2016
Comment from Louise Michelle
This is such a beautifully executed piece, Dawn. Your talent shines throughout and, although hearing you recite this might have added another dimension, it wasn't really needed.
The background music certainly set a nice stage, but it is your words that make this poem. Hugs, Lou
|
This is such a beautifully executed piece, Dawn. Your talent shines throughout and, although hearing you recite this might have added another dimension, it wasn't really needed.
The background music certainly set a nice stage, but it is your words that make this poem. Hugs, Lou
Comment Written 18-Apr-2016
Comment from boxergirl
I am moved once again, Dawn, with your writing and the way you can create such an emotive poem...It is a daunting task for me to do even one sonnet much less a crown of them...Well done, my friend.
|
I am moved once again, Dawn, with your writing and the way you can create such an emotive poem...It is a daunting task for me to do even one sonnet much less a crown of them...Well done, my friend.
Comment Written 18-Apr-2016
Comment from frogbook
Wow, Dawn, this is quite a masterpiece taking us on a journey though each new, but well connected chapter. There were a lot of good descriptive areas but the 3rd stanza of part one struck me as particularly well written with a vivid image.
|
Wow, Dawn, this is quite a masterpiece taking us on a journey though each new, but well connected chapter. There were a lot of good descriptive areas but the 3rd stanza of part one struck me as particularly well written with a vivid image.
Comment Written 17-Apr-2016