The Lone Horseman
Chapter One15 total reviews
Comment from misscookie
You captured my attention from the start.
I like the art work you choose for your story
I thought it was a perfect match
I found this to be an interesting read
I so far behind please for give me.
Cookie
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2016
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You captured my attention from the start.
I like the art work you choose for your story
I thought it was a perfect match
I found this to be an interesting read
I so far behind please for give me.
Cookie
Comment Written 06-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2016
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Thanks misscookie!
ALWAYS appreciate your comments and support.
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You're very welcome.
Have a blessed Sunday
Cookie
Comment from Justin Yhoung
What a ponderous cowboy! I hope he finds the answers he is looking for in the next town. I am intrigued to see what happens next. Well done, keep up the good work!
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2016
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What a ponderous cowboy! I hope he finds the answers he is looking for in the next town. I am intrigued to see what happens next. Well done, keep up the good work!
Comment Written 05-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2016
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Glad you enjoyed this story.
Your comments and support appreciated.
Comment from heisemg
The test of a good opening in the story, is it grab your attention and you want to read more, though short you managed to do both. I will take your advice and become a fan.
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2016
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The test of a good opening in the story, is it grab your attention and you want to read more, though short you managed to do both. I will take your advice and become a fan.
Comment Written 05-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2016
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Thanks.
Glad you enjoyed this story.
Your comments and support appreciated.
Comment from Stacia Ann
Great sense of mystery you create from the beginning, with this nameless horseman. I like the sensory imagery--the horse's rich chestnut coat, the stillness and "lack of" sound--you still suggest the hooting of owls even if they are conspicuously absent:)
You also introduce an unfamiliar setting, of the Arizona territory, which I will now look up:)
I'm now interested in this Andre Mortimer, what exactly he has done, what will happen to him. He seems resigned to more violence, that he is being pulled into it against will, that it is his fate, that he has a "date with destiny." I'm interested in that past now, hinted at, that has created this sense he has no or little control of entering a battle--although he appears to disdain violence in some ways.
My only comment for constructive criticism is in narrative voice. Who is telling the story? It seems to be an omniscient narrator, not Andre? Andre is referred to "the stranger," actually, and his past seems unknown--what he is escaping, what he is running toward. An omniscient narrator would know, as would Andre, at least on some level. Perhaps reconsider who exactly the narrator is.
Thanks for sharing.
Stacia
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2016
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Great sense of mystery you create from the beginning, with this nameless horseman. I like the sensory imagery--the horse's rich chestnut coat, the stillness and "lack of" sound--you still suggest the hooting of owls even if they are conspicuously absent:)
You also introduce an unfamiliar setting, of the Arizona territory, which I will now look up:)
I'm now interested in this Andre Mortimer, what exactly he has done, what will happen to him. He seems resigned to more violence, that he is being pulled into it against will, that it is his fate, that he has a "date with destiny." I'm interested in that past now, hinted at, that has created this sense he has no or little control of entering a battle--although he appears to disdain violence in some ways.
My only comment for constructive criticism is in narrative voice. Who is telling the story? It seems to be an omniscient narrator, not Andre? Andre is referred to "the stranger," actually, and his past seems unknown--what he is escaping, what he is running toward. An omniscient narrator would know, as would Andre, at least on some level. Perhaps reconsider who exactly the narrator is.
Thanks for sharing.
Stacia
Comment Written 04-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2016
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Glad you enjoyed this part of the story.
Your comments and support appreciated.
Comment from judiverse
You're off to a great start with this. The atmosphere is really vivid, and you create the scene of horse and rider. The reader wonders about the character you introduce, and what there is in his past that has him on the run. He wonders if he's a killer or just a hired hand. I wonder about the name Andre Mortimer doesn't sound western. Maybe that's part of his background. If not, you might want to reconsider. judi
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2016
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You're off to a great start with this. The atmosphere is really vivid, and you create the scene of horse and rider. The reader wonders about the character you introduce, and what there is in his past that has him on the run. He wonders if he's a killer or just a hired hand. I wonder about the name Andre Mortimer doesn't sound western. Maybe that's part of his background. If not, you might want to reconsider. judi
Comment Written 03-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2016
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Glad you enjoyed this story.
Your comments and support appreciated.
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You're very welcome. judi
Comment from Ulla
Hi Brett, this is one of your best writes I've read so far. It's well balanced and has great imagery. It also shows rather than tells. I'm riding with man on his horse. A few suggestions for you to take or leave. I expect the latter will be the case, but I'll try my luck.
The colt.45 that dangled at his right hip = The colt .45, which dangled at his right hip. I've suggested this for a smoother read and it eliminates a 'that'.
He allowed his horse to slowly canter forward = He allowed his horse to canter forward at a slower pace.
All best. Ulla:))
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2016
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Hi Brett, this is one of your best writes I've read so far. It's well balanced and has great imagery. It also shows rather than tells. I'm riding with man on his horse. A few suggestions for you to take or leave. I expect the latter will be the case, but I'll try my luck.
The colt.45 that dangled at his right hip = The colt .45, which dangled at his right hip. I've suggested this for a smoother read and it eliminates a 'that'.
He allowed his horse to slowly canter forward = He allowed his horse to canter forward at a slower pace.
All best. Ulla:))
Comment Written 03-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2016
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Thanks.
Your comments and support are appreciated.
Comment from Jim Lorson Sr
An excellent story with the great pic the beautiful stallion. Your story moves along very smoothly with descriptions of Andre Mortimer! I feel that I am going to enjoy this very much. I love westerns! Good luck my friend,,,,,,,Jim
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2016
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An excellent story with the great pic the beautiful stallion. Your story moves along very smoothly with descriptions of Andre Mortimer! I feel that I am going to enjoy this very much. I love westerns! Good luck my friend,,,,,,,Jim
Comment Written 02-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2016
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Glad you enjoyed this story.
Your comments and support appreciated.
Comment from Ricky1024
A mystery ending, huh?
Did he ride all tha way back to kill the woman who cheated or the cheatered man?
Or maybe an old string that was never tied?
Ricky by the Bay.
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2016
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A mystery ending, huh?
Did he ride all tha way back to kill the woman who cheated or the cheatered man?
Or maybe an old string that was never tied?
Ricky by the Bay.
Comment Written 02-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2016
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Glad you enjoyed this story.
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Nicely done. Good start to something, but I can't guess what. Why had Andre killed so many men? Is he a hired gun?
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There were no frogs croaking or owls hooting. Nothing stirred. <--
"There were" should be avoided. I suggest you rewrite this another way:
No frogs croaked. No owls hooted. Nothing stirred.
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2016
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Nicely done. Good start to something, but I can't guess what. Why had Andre killed so many men? Is he a hired gun?
__________
There were no frogs croaking or owls hooting. Nothing stirred. <--
"There were" should be avoided. I suggest you rewrite this another way:
No frogs croaked. No owls hooted. Nothing stirred.
Comment Written 02-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2016
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Glad you enjoyed this story.
Appreciate your comments and support.
Comment from MizKat
Hi Brett,
You sure are a good story teller and I enjoyed reading this one too. The picture of the horse is really wonderful too. I'm looking forward to the time you start writing more about Cody again.
Kat
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2016
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Hi Brett,
You sure are a good story teller and I enjoyed reading this one too. The picture of the horse is really wonderful too. I'm looking forward to the time you start writing more about Cody again.
Kat
Comment Written 02-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2016
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Glad you enjoyed this story.
Your comments and support appreciated.