Comment from Walu Feral

Exceptional

G'day Padna.

Just thought I'd have another "quick" read to see how they get on.

"The echoing sound of a gun drawn from its holster distracted Archie's musings." (Yikes!)

"I still don't feel comfortable about my heritage." ( I didn't either, so I got me another one lol.)

"The hospital is full of humans he can report to." ( I don't really understand this line... why would he report to humans?)

"Sometimes the greatest battles are won by the smallest forces, child," Sani replied." (It's not the size of the dog in the fight, but the size of the fight in the dog." Uncle Ronny said that to me one day.)

"You'll miss all the good stuff." (Correct. I hate normal... whatever that is.)

Good to see they made it across that road, mate. When the guns came out I feared the worst, like Koko.

Top work once again.

Now off to Mine City!

Cheers Fez

 Comment Written 30-Apr-2017

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reply by the author on 30-Apr-2017

Thank you, Pal,

He has to report to humans because the people in Hokee aren't trusted completely because the scientists consider them less than human. They want to maintain their own superiority.

I like where you talked about picking your own heritage. Funny, this book was written in its original form years ago. I've taken it out to rewrite, and not with you reading, it seems to fit like you have been there in the beginning as a contributor.

Yeah, I'm not a fan of normal, either.

Thanks again,
Rhonda

Comment from w.j.debi

Excellent

Oh, the Tommy knockers are a nice twist. Are they real or is Sani kidding? The only way to find out it is to follow him to Mine City. Excellent action and character building.

 Comment Written 22-Mar-2017

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reply by the author on 22-Mar-2017

You are too right, you will have to stay tuned. Funny thing about this chapter is that some people loved it, and others balked. They felt interjecting fantasy creatures into sci-fi was a definite no-no. I tried to remind them that Yoda was a fantasy creature, as well as about 9/10th of the rest of Star Wars. I didn't convince them, so even I'm not sure what I'm going to do with the Tommyknockers. haha. I should take a vote on it.

reply by w.j.debi on 22-Mar-2017

I say you are the writer. Go where the story takes you and with whatever characters you like. I love Sci-Fi and Fantasy, and I see no trouble in merging the lines. You mention Star Wars. It blurs the lines all the time with the mysticism of the Force and its seeming "magical" properties.

reply by the author on 22-Mar-2017

See, that's what I thought!! Thank you!!

Comment from TheWriteTeach

Excellent

Rhonda,

I'm soooooo far behind in my reviewing. The next chapter is waiting for me! This chapter is very good. Not sure, but there seems to be a hint at a budding romance, yes? That should be interesting . . .

Noticed a couple of things I wanted to mention -

Of the first four lines, three of them start with 'Archie.' And then, five more lines down, you start another one with 'Archie.' Try to avoid starting so many lines with a character's name.

The echoing sound of a gun drawn from its holster (a gun makes little noise slipping from its leather confines; not sure how that would echo)

He had made it to the other side. Ayala rolled against his side.
('side' is used twice in very close proximity - maybe just say 'Ayala rolled against him.' ?)

Stay down until we're sure they're finished shooting. (Finished shooting? When did it start?)

Dust hung in the air from their struggle (What struggle? I associate struggling with a fight of some kind - with a person, or against confining ropes, etc.)

We heard the gunshot and feared the worst. (Again, when did someone shoot? I cannot find where anyone shot, and I reread it, twice, to make sure I didn't miss it.)

I'm off to read the next chapter.

Suzanne

 Comment Written 11-Mar-2017

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reply by the author on 11-Mar-2017

Sorry, Suzanne. It seems I edited out the first shot. haha. Gotta go back and fix that. Definite oversight. Thanks.

Thank you, as well, for the other issues you found, as well. I am off to read the other review!!

Take care,
Rhonda

Comment from Douglas Paul

Excellent

Good chapter, my friend. I am really enjoying this story. Good action in this chapter with the promise of more to come when they get to the mines. I saw no errors and the story flow smoothly

 Comment Written 08-Mar-2017

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reply by the author on 08-Mar-2017

thank you so much, Douglas. What do you think about the introduction of the fantasy character? I'm getting some flack about it from the Sci-Fi purests. Be honest. I want to head the right way.
Thanks,
Rhonda

reply by Douglas Paul on 08-Mar-2017

I actually liked the use of the leoprochans. I think if you can give some info on how they got there you should be on solid ground

reply by the author on 08-Mar-2017

Okay, thanks! I was going to backtrack and just make it an old man's whim, but I like their part in the book. Some have said I'm mixing genres. Oh well, I'll think about it a bit. I've got another project I'm working on now, too. Thanks!!

reply by Douglas Paul on 08-Mar-2017

If you are concerned about it, perhaps if they were some kind of banished rejects from the project that he just calls "the leoprochans"

reply by the author on 08-Mar-2017

Good idea, thanks!

reply by the author on 08-Mar-2017

That's an excellent idea. I love it! Thanks!!

Comment from Lu Saluna

Excellent

This is getting really good. Tommyknockers and I thought this was just a Stephen King horror movie. I really like the character, Sani. He so "Yoda" and giving Archie a real lesson in life.
Great story and I can hardly wait until the next chapter.

 Comment Written 08-Mar-2017

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reply by the author on 08-Mar-2017

I heard about Tommyknockers when traveling through Colorado on a book research trip. I know Stephen King wrote a book of that title, but I've never read it. We'll see if I go anywhere with it.

Take care,
Rhonda

Comment from rspoet

Exceptional

Hello Rhonda,

Must have been a very wide road, seems like Archie and Ayala rolled forever.

I think I would want to get further away from the road and the cougars with guns
before I engaged in a conversation. There is always the possibility of a renegade
who decides to shoot, despite the road divider.

Hatred is probably more of a human trait than animal.
I wonder if animals even experience hatred? More likely, their behavior
is driven by fear and survival instincts.

I liked the little repartee:

"You sound like Sani."
"Don't tell him."
"Our secret"

Tommy-knockers? Looks like we've headed back to the Daredevil Girls.
I wasn't expecting leprechauns in a science fiction story.

Archie, "Are you serious?"
Sani, "Don't discount what you don't understand, son."

I think that sums it up well.

Another excellent chapter.

RS

 Comment Written 07-Mar-2017

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reply by the author on 07-Mar-2017

First of all, let me thank you for the 6 star rating. It is wonderful, especially in a long book.

Some others have complained about the fantasy aspect, but if you look at Star Wars, and Star Trek, there is a mixture of the two as well (Like Yoda and "the force"). I got the idea of the Tommy-knockers when I went on a research tour before planning the book. I visited mines in Colorado, and that's where the miners told me of the myth, which is more superstition than myth. It struck the fantasy part of me, and that's why I put it in. It's, also, to add a bit of comic relief.

Thanks again, and I hope the fantasy angle works out.

Rhonda

Comment from Ulla

Excellent

Hi Rhonda, this is another great chapter, and I'm sure glad they are still making their escape. I will admit I don't have a clue about the tommyknockers. Don't know what it means and don't know what it's about. I love the story, so would like to know. A hug. Ulla:)))

 Comment Written 07-Mar-2017

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reply by the author on 07-Mar-2017

They are mythical creatures the miners believe in, and that's something I learned from a research trip to Colorado and the mines there. I added it because I like fantasy, and because I wanted to tie in a bit of research.

Thanks for reading and commenting,
Rhonda

reply by Ulla on 07-Mar-2017

Thanks a lot. Learning all the time. :)))

Comment from prettybluebirds

Excellent

Excellent. This story keeps getting better and better. I'm really into it now. I can hardly wait for your next chapter to be posted. Way to go girl.

 Comment Written 07-Mar-2017

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reply by the author on 07-Mar-2017

Thank you so very much. I appreciate your reading, and your loyalty.
Take care,
Rhonda

Comment from giraffmang

Excellent

Hi Rhonda,

Good break with the action in the escape at the beginning of this instalment. Nice to see the resolve of the 'heroes'. Wasn't expecting the introduction of the tommyknockers, and felt a little disappointed almost as it may well take the story away from science fiction and more toward the fantasy realm.

All the best
G

 Comment Written 07-Mar-2017

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reply by the author on 07-Mar-2017

I know on the tommyknockers, but that's why I call this science fiction/fantasy. I know it's sort of mixing metaphors, but picked up on the idea when I was doing research in Colorado for the book. The miners told of the tommyknockers and how important they were in the local superstition. It was also to lighten the almost horror aspect of this book.
I'll see if I keep it.

As always, thank you!

reply by giraffmang on 07-Mar-2017

I get that, but if you are trying to make a serious point as you say in your notes then be careful of veering too much into the fantasy side of things. fantasy doesn't lend itself to that kind of story telling very well, whereas more of a straighter sci-fi does.

I have no doubt no one else will mention it but I thought I would as up until this point there hasn't really been any fantasy elements. As a result, anyone reading this, say off-site may very well be put off as they assume they're reading one thing and then it becomes something else. Whilst it's good to challenge perceptions and pull out twists, you have to be careful of that audience. Science-fiction readers can be a very fickle bunch.

It's a problem I ran across several times because I like to blend genres. It's difficult to place and straddle that line.

It isn't so much mixing metaphors as possibly diluting what you want to say with the work, and the purpose behind the story.

G

reply by the author on 07-Mar-2017

Thank you, and there have been others to mention it as well. As it is, Sani is just a superstitious old miner, and I patterned it after what I had heard on a research tour. Remember Archie's words about the reality part of it. I probably didn't clarify it enough. Thank you, again, for the warning. It is well taken.

Comment from Margaret Snowdon

Excellent

I'm relieved they got across the road. At least they're out of danger now.

Archie's reaction to bunch of leprechauns helping them, made me laugh

Tommyknockers rings a bell for me - didn't Stephen King write a book of that title and perhaps a film too??


Great chapter, Rhonda.

Margaret

 Comment Written 07-Mar-2017

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reply by the author on 07-Mar-2017

Yes, Stephen King did, but in his, they were evil creatures. In local miner lore, they are good-guys who help the miners. They are a superstitious belief. There were also movies about leprechauns as well, but I'm afraid the tommyknockers might be too associated with SK. I'll have to see how it goes. I discovered them when doing research in Colorado for his book.

Thank you for the review and comments!

Rhonda