Perennials of War
Viewing comments for Chapter 41 "Chapter Dreizehn part ein"Is Anderson a gallant knight? Can he recover Shan
31 total reviews
Comment from Ben Colder
uh o, I hope you like Russian food. I never liked it. European food has too much vinegar in many dishes. Well we are getting things done in this story. Time to keep your eye on the painting. Well done. Hope your publishing is going well.
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2017
  |
uh o, I hope you like Russian food. I never liked it. European food has too much vinegar in many dishes. Well we are getting things done in this story. Time to keep your eye on the painting. Well done. Hope your publishing is going well.
Comment Written 26-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2017
-
Thank you for the kind review and you are correct about the vinegar.
Comment from Gert sherwood
Hello Barb,
I will say this chapter drew my attention with the phone call to Ivan Kuznetsov and how he with haste hung up
make me nervous for the safety not only Shana but others in the family especially Emily
Gert
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2017
|
Hello Barb,
I will say this chapter drew my attention with the phone call to Ivan Kuznetsov and how he with haste hung up
make me nervous for the safety not only Shana but others in the family especially Emily
Gert
Comment Written 24-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2017
-
I am worried about their safety too. Thank you for the kind review.
-
You are welcome Barb
Gert
Comment from mbroyles2
Suspense is really building now as Anderson is soon to confront Ivan.
There are so many wonderful characters in this book and all under one roof.
Let's hope there isn't too much trouble waiting for them at the restaurant.
Looking forward to the next part.
Michael
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2017
|
Suspense is really building now as Anderson is soon to confront Ivan.
There are so many wonderful characters in this book and all under one roof.
Let's hope there isn't too much trouble waiting for them at the restaurant.
Looking forward to the next part.
Michael
Comment Written 23-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2017
-
Thank you for the kind review. I'm not sure I can build the drama as well as you.
Comment from Rasmine
Hello,
I can still review. :D I'm currently not upgraded and wasn't sure I could still view the writings up for review. Yes, I can.
Good chapter. Looking forward to the next.
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2017
 |
Hello,
I can still review. :D I'm currently not upgraded and wasn't sure I could still view the writings up for review. Yes, I can.
Good chapter. Looking forward to the next.
Comment Written 23-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2017
-
Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
This was quite a tense chapter, with good detail throughout -
moving the story along, Barbara. The dialogue flowing naturally.
All in all, most impressive, my friend.
Margaret
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2017
|
This was quite a tense chapter, with good detail throughout -
moving the story along, Barbara. The dialogue flowing naturally.
All in all, most impressive, my friend.
Margaret
Comment Written 23-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2017
-
Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Mustang Patty
Hi there; another well written part of this chapter. The only critique I have for you is to wonder if all of your characters always speak in perfect sentences? Do they ever use contractions?
Just a thought. I'm looking forward to more,
Enjoy your munchkins!
~patty~
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2017
|
Hi there; another well written part of this chapter. The only critique I have for you is to wonder if all of your characters always speak in perfect sentences? Do they ever use contractions?
Just a thought. I'm looking forward to more,
Enjoy your munchkins!
~patty~
Comment Written 23-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2017
-
I thought I put contractions in. I will go back and check. Thank you for the kind review. I've had some horrible reviews when I didn't use sentences.
Comment from rama devi
As usual, the swift, dialog-driven pace draws the reader in and holds the attention. excellent enhancing of characterization through action tags and dialog. Good detail. Good tension. Good job. Noted just a few minor suggestions:
NOTES:
*
I'm calling because I represent the family(,) who has paperwork verifying they own the painting.
* "I'm not going anywhere near that place(,) and neither should you."
*
"I'm sorry," said Anderson. "I'm afraid it's a men's only night.
either say: men-only night
or it's a night for men only
Saying 'men's only night' is not grammatical, I believe.
*
Shana stood and offered her hand. "Come on, sweetheart, let's find that treasure." (LINE BREAK) Emily took her hand. As they went through the doorway, Shana glanced back at Anderson.
*not optimal to repeat AND twice:
Anderson used a key and opened a hidden drawer in his desk and studied the contents.
Suggest either:
Anderson used a key, opened a hidden drawer in his desk and studied the contents.
or
Anderson used a key to open a hidden drawer in his desk and studied the contents.
* "Don't forget your concealed weapon certificate(,) just in case we're questioned."
Hope you got some sleep...and enjoy those first graders!
Warmly, rd
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2017
|
As usual, the swift, dialog-driven pace draws the reader in and holds the attention. excellent enhancing of characterization through action tags and dialog. Good detail. Good tension. Good job. Noted just a few minor suggestions:
NOTES:
*
I'm calling because I represent the family(,) who has paperwork verifying they own the painting.
* "I'm not going anywhere near that place(,) and neither should you."
*
"I'm sorry," said Anderson. "I'm afraid it's a men's only night.
either say: men-only night
or it's a night for men only
Saying 'men's only night' is not grammatical, I believe.
*
Shana stood and offered her hand. "Come on, sweetheart, let's find that treasure." (LINE BREAK) Emily took her hand. As they went through the doorway, Shana glanced back at Anderson.
*not optimal to repeat AND twice:
Anderson used a key and opened a hidden drawer in his desk and studied the contents.
Suggest either:
Anderson used a key, opened a hidden drawer in his desk and studied the contents.
or
Anderson used a key to open a hidden drawer in his desk and studied the contents.
* "Don't forget your concealed weapon certificate(,) just in case we're questioned."
Hope you got some sleep...and enjoy those first graders!
Warmly, rd
Comment Written 22-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2017
-
I finally have time to make the suggested corrections. Thank you for the time to find those areas for me. I appreciate it.
-
:-)))
Comment from rtobaygo
Good morning, Barbara
Another strong continuation. I like the way you make your characters jump off the pages, reacting to the mundane and to the seriousness of the unfolding action about them. Enjoyed
Observation ;
He shrugged( his shoulders -- understood?) and then waited......
Take care and stay safe,
Ray
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2017
|
Good morning, Barbara
Another strong continuation. I like the way you make your characters jump off the pages, reacting to the mundane and to the seriousness of the unfolding action about them. Enjoyed
Observation ;
He shrugged( his shoulders -- understood?) and then waited......
Take care and stay safe,
Ray
Comment Written 22-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2017
-
I made that change. Thank you for the catch.
Comment from Charley489
Barbara
Nice work here. This is My first time reading anything that you wrote and it is clear you are extremely talented with dialog - it flows very well and is believable. As read I could hear the conversation.
I wished I could have seen more though. I did not find any passages that helped me see the setting, the room per se. Was it a kitchen? Hotel room? Bowling alley? I think adding a second sense in addition to hearing, perhaps seeing or smelling would make this "pop" a bit more.
But what do I know I am a novice at writing!
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2017
|
Barbara
Nice work here. This is My first time reading anything that you wrote and it is clear you are extremely talented with dialog - it flows very well and is believable. As read I could hear the conversation.
I wished I could have seen more though. I did not find any passages that helped me see the setting, the room per se. Was it a kitchen? Hotel room? Bowling alley? I think adding a second sense in addition to hearing, perhaps seeing or smelling would make this "pop" a bit more.
But what do I know I am a novice at writing!
Comment Written 22-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2017
-
I will consider your suggestions. Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Thal1959
I know I have read some chapters regarding this story before - but I have missed some chapters over time, and I wasn't sure of some story elements. But judging the work simply as writing, it is very well written. Good grammar, punctuation, style and composition. The use of identifiers like,
"Should I check with Jeff?" Philip removed his phone.
Shana's head was shaking. "I'm not..."
"I'm sorry," said Anderson.
The reader knows almost with every line who is speaking and when - which is important when there are so many characters to keep track of.
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2017
|
I know I have read some chapters regarding this story before - but I have missed some chapters over time, and I wasn't sure of some story elements. But judging the work simply as writing, it is very well written. Good grammar, punctuation, style and composition. The use of identifiers like,
"Should I check with Jeff?" Philip removed his phone.
Shana's head was shaking. "I'm not..."
"I'm sorry," said Anderson.
The reader knows almost with every line who is speaking and when - which is important when there are so many characters to keep track of.
Comment Written 22-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2017
-
Thank you for the kind review/
-
You're welcome - it was my pleasure.