Comment from Dawn Munro

Exceptional

There is no way that any tanka could improve upon this one, if you ask me. If this doesn't win the contest, I'm not sure what tanka is all about (but then, I claim no expertise, although I study the form...) This is WONDERFUL in every way!

 Comment Written 23-Jun-2018

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reply by the author on 24-Jun-2018

I don't think it ticks all the required boxes as some people interpret the rules of the form. I went with what the contest stipulated, rather than what the "purists" say, so it's unlikely to get far, I would think. In any case, I made the point I wanted to make :)

Thanks for the delightful rating and comments, Dawn. Very much appreciated.

Craig

reply by Dawn Munro on 24-Jun-2018

Well... I am sure no expert on tanka - I try, but here's what someone who IS expert says (I copied it from Gloria - her tanka is AMAZING, and I know/believe she gives the instructions in her notes to help others (not unlike another exceptional poet did for me some time ago - mountainwriter49. He PM'd me with instructions!)

These are generous, kind members who exemplify the very reason such a site as this exists, IMO. Give me a minute to go and cut Gloria's notes... Be right back.

reply by Dawn Munro on 24-Jun-2018

1. The haiku-like first three lines establish an EXTERNAL FOCUS often through the use of nature to set the tone and tenor for the tanka. The first two lines should be grammatically connected.
2. The last two lines serve to deliver EMOTIVE IMPACT to the reader. These lines should be grammatically connected.
3. The third line of the tanka must SERVE AS A SATORI on the first two lines AS WELL AS A PIVOT to begin the last two lines. It is this feature of tanka that most often fails in entries for FanStory tanka contests.
4. Tanka may not exceed 31 syllables but it may have less in short/long/short/long/long format.
5. Personification, metaphor, simile are permitted in tanka. Note wording here. This does not mean their presence is essential
6. Capitalisation and punctuation should be used only when necessary. i.e. proper nouns etc.
7. No end rhymes.

reply by Dawn Munro on 24-Jun-2018

Oops - okay, so make that third line pivot. Wait - you CAN, but now I am challenged to try...

reply by Dawn Munro on 24-Jun-2018

Humanity's curse?

a mind of such promise, paired

with a heart of stone.

The day we learn compassion,

the malison is lifted.

(,when compassion would serve
to lift the malison.)

reply by Dawn Munro on 24-Jun-2018

I do believe that there is no strict rule about 5-7-5-7-7 format, merely that the short-long-short format is followed, and the poem doesn't exceed 31 syllables. :))

reply by the author on 24-Jun-2018

What about this?

a heart of stone but
a mind full of potential
humanity's curse
compassion must be learned to
beat this malison

I'm not sure I like it, but perhaps I'm biased towards my first child lol (or maybe it's not good)

A couple of people (including Gloria, I believe) suggested the curse bit should be the pivot. Personally, I don't see why, but I'm prepared to go with the flow. Also, apparently I lose marks for punctuating.

reply by the author on 24-Jun-2018

or "lift" or "end" instead of beat?

lol

reply by Dawn Munro on 24-Jun-2018

NO!!! Don't you DARE!!! I've figured out a way to make that third line pivot, and all the other boxes are ticked, IMHO. (I LOVE it; I truly do!!!) Since you didn't like my first suggestion, here's an EASY fix - omit "such" and add "but" =

humankind's curse is
a mind of promise paired
with a heart of stone but
the day we learn compassion
the malison is lifted

So there! No punctuation needed, lines grammatically connected, third line pivots and most importantly, the message is not weakened (in my ever-humble - hahahaha - opinion).

reply by Dawn Munro on 24-Jun-2018

No - wait -
even better =

humankind's curse is
a mind of promise paired with
a heart of stone but
the day we learn compassion
the malison is lifted

(Smugly, Dawn points out the perfect 5-7-5-7-7 format. :)) YIKES. Told ya - I love your tanka! Can't keep my paws off it. :)))))

Comment from catch22

Excellent

Hi Craig, I like the sentiment behind this write. It is a strong social comment. Admittedly, I know very little about the short forms. I do know that they tend to favor concrete images and tend to minimize abstract words like promise. Also, I am not sure about your pivot line. It doesn't really connect the upper and lower halves of the poem. I've done some research on this. Some sources say the pivot should work with the top AND bottom halves of the tanka to give different tones of message in the same poem--to move from concrete image to a personal response (https://www.poets.org/poetsorg/text/tanka-poetic-form). I almost see the first line as your pivotal line that links the two statements on human nature. I want to reiterate I know little of short forms of poetry, but that's what I've read. Please feel free to correct me if I am mistaken.

 Comment Written 22-Jun-2018

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reply by the author on 24-Jun-2018

I don't think you're mistaken, Pam.

In my interpretation, the instructions given in the FS contest announcement are quite a lot less stringent than those found elsewhere. Basically, I wrote the poem the way I wanted it, and as it seemed to tick the boxes the contest suggested, I submitted it (there was no down side I could see). It may well be that people who know a lot more than me will judge it not to be a "proper" tanka. If that's the case, I'm OK with it :)

I think perhaps I'm going through a "rebellious" phase these past few days. Today, in reviewing, I gave a poem a six which broke all the rules of good meter. Why? Because when I read it, by stressing things in a particular way, and inserting pauses in the appropriate places, it scanned just fine. And I loved the content. But I can imagine myself on another day deducting a mark because it "broke the rules." Go figure :)

Many thanks for the thoughtful comments, Pam.

Craig

Comment from Pamusart

Excellent

Hi Craig. This is a good entry for the contest. I like it a lot. I want enough money to survive retirement but I value compassion and kindness above money I can't possibly spend. Good luck in the contest. Thank you for sharing

 Comment Written 22-Jun-2018

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reply by the author on 22-Jun-2018

Thanks very much for the kind wishes and generous comments, Pam. Glad you enjoyed - Craig

Comment from lyenochka

Excellent

Well written tanka. I like how you start with the meaning of malison and end with it at the end. Good pivot line about the "heart of stone" and moving picture to go with it.

 Comment Written 21-Jun-2018

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reply by the author on 22-Jun-2018

Thanks very much, Helen. I liked the picture when I saw it too :) Cheers, Craig

Comment from Sandra du Plessis

Excellent

A very well-written Tanka about how we can curse ourselves when we have a heart of stone, that can be broken with compassion and the malison will be lifted from our hearts.

 Comment Written 21-Jun-2018

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reply by the author on 22-Jun-2018

Thanks very much, Sandra - most grateful. Craig

Comment from Joy Graham

Excellent

The picture and message supply a powerful aha moment. There really isn't a punch line for it, but it's the situation as a whole. Your tanka makes me think of the individuals that kill the beautiful animals just for their hand to be cut off and taken away, or the elphants tusks, or to take a selfie with the dead animal. Poachers are not a fine example of the human race. I wish they had satellite cameras trained on the wildlife areas and catch the poachers in the act and end poaching. It all breaks my heart.

This stands out as a contest winner to me, Craig. Well done.

Joy xx

 Comment Written 21-Jun-2018

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reply by the author on 22-Jun-2018

Poachers - as in those who kill wildlife for commercial gain - are low-life, Joy, but in a sense, they at least have a purpose to what they do - not that it justifies it. It's the dentists and accountants and Presidential offspring that travel overseas to kill l simply because it fulfils some sick pathetic fantasy that in my opinion are so much worse. I can't tell you what I wish for them. Although, on a bad day, I probably will :)

Thanks for the lovely compliment, Joy.

Craig

Comment from Gloria ....

Excellent

Interestingly you have written your pivot line, humanity's curse at the start. It's perfectly acceptable and just means we must read the poem three times. Kidding.

Animals are very territorial and deadly when it comes to protecting the survival of their genetic material including killing the offspring of biological parents. On the other hand it is indeed compassion and community which some species have achieved superior to humanity that has made that species altruistic to a degree of cooperation and neighbour helping neighbour, humanoids can only hope to aspire to.

Right now we have lapsed into primitive tribalism while the rich are getting even richer to ensure the survival of their "terrific genes". Is that a familiar sounding refrain? ;-)

A clever tanka written to form and I wish you the best in the contest.

Gloria

 Comment Written 21-Jun-2018

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reply by the author on 22-Jun-2018

Oh yeah -- the rules -- who invented them, anyway?

Tribalism is the word for it -- all-pervasive, in my opinion.

Many thanks, Gloria. Appreciation, as always. Craig

Comment from Jannypan (Jan)

Excellent

Your tanks is in good form, Craig. Your topic is well-expressed with a current theme. I enjoyed reading this & your use of the word malison is perfect to describe this trait. Thanks for sharing. Best wishes. Jan

 Comment Written 21-Jun-2018

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reply by the author on 22-Jun-2018

Thanks very much for the lovely comments, Jan - most grateful. Craig

Comment from Sharon Haiste

Excellent

I think this is a good entry for the 'Tanka Poetry' writing prompt.
Your verse is well written and has a strong message of compassion to be learned.
Well done and good luck to you with the competition.
Sharon

 Comment Written 21-Jun-2018

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reply by the author on 22-Jun-2018

Thanks very much, Sharon. I appreciate the kind comments - Craig

Comment from bichonfrisegirl

Exceptional

Hi Craig,

What a great picture you found! This is a terrific Tanka! Man can learn a lot from animals. You nailed this! I love your definition of humanity's curse. "Malison" ... such an appropriate word for 'a curse', what with 'mal' being French for bad/evil.

Good luck in the contest with this clever entry! ~~ Connie

 Comment Written 21-Jun-2018

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reply by the author on 22-Jun-2018

Thanks so much for the stellar rating and the wonderful, encouraging comments, Connie. I'm pleased you enjoyed the poem :) Craig