The Drifter
A mystery15 total reviews
Comment from Air Spirit
I really enjoyed this poem --- the story of an 'old cowhand' whose had a dangerous, deadly and driven past - and then meets up with a prior victim of past -- he's done his deeds, he's left his mark, across the miles and many hearts -- his ignoble past has caught up with him, when she knows from where he's been -- and how in front of her seems quite broken, but she wants to leave him with a token - a payback scheme she weaves within, and has sworn and vowed to do him in --- to steal from him how he took from her -- without much thought of what concurred......... I have no idea of why I just went off on that little lyrical review rant -- but it just came to me so I rolled with it... I felt like I was watching an old western, with 'Dolly' from behind the far, who played in Gunsmoke... a tough ol' broad who could stand her own -- but it was really written well and you painted the picture of this 'loser' with precision and prose... well done!
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2018
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I really enjoyed this poem --- the story of an 'old cowhand' whose had a dangerous, deadly and driven past - and then meets up with a prior victim of past -- he's done his deeds, he's left his mark, across the miles and many hearts -- his ignoble past has caught up with him, when she knows from where he's been -- and how in front of her seems quite broken, but she wants to leave him with a token - a payback scheme she weaves within, and has sworn and vowed to do him in --- to steal from him how he took from her -- without much thought of what concurred......... I have no idea of why I just went off on that little lyrical review rant -- but it just came to me so I rolled with it... I felt like I was watching an old western, with 'Dolly' from behind the far, who played in Gunsmoke... a tough ol' broad who could stand her own -- but it was really written well and you painted the picture of this 'loser' with precision and prose... well done!
Comment Written 20-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2018
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Hah Cynthia. Go with it! Post your own version. It is really good. Thank you for the awesome review
Comment from BeasPeas
Hi Pam. This is a well rhymed and interesting story poem with clever word choices. The story holds the reader's interest throughout. There are some pretty nasty guys out there.
My suggestion would be to go back and correct punctuation and typos here and there.
In this line: "The cowboy knows it's him or or (remove second "or") her*;
Marilyn
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2018
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Hi Pam. This is a well rhymed and interesting story poem with clever word choices. The story holds the reader's interest throughout. There are some pretty nasty guys out there.
My suggestion would be to go back and correct punctuation and typos here and there.
In this line: "The cowboy knows it's him or or (remove second "or") her*;
Marilyn
Comment Written 19-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2018
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Thank you for catching the extra or. I added punctuation because someone complained about lack of punctuation. I don?t know what you mean by fix punctuation. Thank you for your insightful review
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Hi Pam. Punctuation is good barometer of a writer. It shows attention to detail and allows the reader to follow along better, as well as making for a more polished piece. For instance in this poem--add (.) at end of sentences. Eliminate caps at new line unless it is the start of a new sentence indicated by a (.) at the end of previous line. Add (,) before (") and a (.) or (,) before the end of ("). Marilyn
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I have been criticized both ways. Some have complained of too much punctuation. Thank you for your suggestions
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Hi Pam. Just a suggestion on my part. Each writer must be captain of his/her own ship. That's what makes our own work ours. Marilyn
Comment from bob cullen
It maybe long, but it's also good. Love the name, The Drifter, it suits the character ideally. The rhyme here is good and the poem rolls with good rhythm. I would have thought this would have made a good entry in the Story in a Poem contest.
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2018
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It maybe long, but it's also good. Love the name, The Drifter, it suits the character ideally. The rhyme here is good and the poem rolls with good rhythm. I would have thought this would have made a good entry in the Story in a Poem contest.
Comment Written 19-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2018
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Hi Bob. I entered a different poem in that contest. Thank you for a great review
Comment from Sandra du Plessis
A very well-written story/poem about the drifter coming back after years of absence, to find the girl he knew once is still there. Sometimes we wonder what happened to someone we knew well and lost contact with.
The four-star rating was a mistake, I apologize for that.
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2018
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A very well-written story/poem about the drifter coming back after years of absence, to find the girl he knew once is still there. Sometimes we wonder what happened to someone we knew well and lost contact with.
The four-star rating was a mistake, I apologize for that.
Comment Written 19-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2018
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Hi Sandra. Did you mean to give me four stars? Your comments were complimentary. Thank you for your review
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Sorry, it was an honest mistake. I will adjust, I am rushing to get back to the sewing room.
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Thank you. I have done it before as well. I appreciate it
Comment from Teri7
This is a very well written story in a poem you have penned. You used very good descriptive, rhyming words. The picture you used goes well with your words. I enjoyed reading and reviewing it. Blessings, Teri
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2018
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This is a very well written story in a poem you have penned. You used very good descriptive, rhyming words. The picture you used goes well with your words. I enjoyed reading and reviewing it. Blessings, Teri
Comment Written 18-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2018
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Thank you Teri for your excellent review
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you are so welcome my friend!
Comment from meeshu
such a complex and meandering plot in this story. it was too 'good to put down', one of your best efforts. raised more questions than it answered. just the way I like it. very nice, Pam..............meeshu
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2018
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such a complex and meandering plot in this story. it was too 'good to put down', one of your best efforts. raised more questions than it answered. just the way I like it. very nice, Pam..............meeshu
Comment Written 18-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2018
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Thanks meeshu. I would like to find a better title. I think I have it! The Drifter. Thank you for an excellent review
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I had a little trouble with 'Jerry the Cowboy' at first. but I ended up not liking the guy, so I didn't care if he had a stupid name..
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Lol
Comment from Dean Kuch
I would've thought you would have entered this in the Share a Story in a Poem contest here on FanStory, Pam.
It's a great tale--cowpoke turned serial killer now trying to reform--and there is still time to enter (about three hours) if you choose to.
All you'd have to do is edit the name slightly, copy it and post it as a new poem, then disable this posting.
Site contests are free to enter and you could have a shot at winning a $100.00 gift card or 100.00 in member dollars.
What do you have to lose?
Great work!
~Dean :)
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2018
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I would've thought you would have entered this in the Share a Story in a Poem contest here on FanStory, Pam.
It's a great tale--cowpoke turned serial killer now trying to reform--and there is still time to enter (about three hours) if you choose to.
All you'd have to do is edit the name slightly, copy it and post it as a new poem, then disable this posting.
Site contests are free to enter and you could have a shot at winning a $100.00 gift card or 100.00 in member dollars.
What do you have to lose?
Great work!
~Dean :)
Comment Written 18-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2018
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Thank you Dean. I joined FS in March and entered a different story for that contest. Thank you though. I am waiting for the next one. Thanks for an awesome review
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Oh, well, good luck then!
My pleasure, Pam. :)
Comment from Lady Jane
Whoa, made it 10 - gulp. Is he a serial murderer? LOL. I couldn't stop reading this. I was enthralled. This should have been entered into the "share a story in a poem" contest. My entry was an accident. I didn't mean to post it as a contest entry, but there it is, Liar, Liar. Oh well...seriously, this is amazing and well penned. Good pace and definite rhyming flow. Another great penning, pam.
Janelle
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2018
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Whoa, made it 10 - gulp. Is he a serial murderer? LOL. I couldn't stop reading this. I was enthralled. This should have been entered into the "share a story in a poem" contest. My entry was an accident. I didn't mean to post it as a contest entry, but there it is, Liar, Liar. Oh well...seriously, this is amazing and well penned. Good pace and definite rhyming flow. Another great penning, pam.
Janelle
Comment Written 18-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2018
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Hi. I entered a different poem in that contest. I am waiting for another one. Lol. Yes he is a serial killer. He did not kill her because he had been seen with her at the bar and leaving g with her. Thank you for a wonderful review
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I see, smart man. I watch ID tv. You'd think I might have caught that, DOH! Lol. Your writing is spot on. It's nice to see some clean, well balanced, fresh penning on FS. Do you mind if I follow you?
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Of course I don?t mind. I would appreciate it. I am following you. That is how I saw your post
Comment from Dawn Munro
Did you mean the "musk" of cheap cologne?
I love the imagination behind this poem - you should have saved this one for a story-in-a-poem contest! Well done!
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2018
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Did you mean the "musk" of cheap cologne?
I love the imagination behind this poem - you should have saved this one for a story-in-a-poem contest! Well done!
Comment Written 18-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2018
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Yes musk is used to make perfumes and colognes. Believe it or not it comes from male deer. Here is the definition. ?a strong-smelling reddish-brown substance that is secreted by the male musk deer for scent-marking and is an important ingredient in perfumery.?. Thank you Dawn for the excellent review
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Dawn I see what you mean now I misspelled musk as must. I have fixed it. Thank you
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You're welcome.
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You're very welcome - yes, I know animals' scents are used for perfumes - not only the deer's/buck's. In fact, pets will often be VERY interested in colognes and perfumes, even lick where you are wearing it (if you let them).
Comment from Gert sherwood
Hello Pamusart
Good for you taking liberty to write your mystery poem if the stranger (Jerry/Harry) did kill the rundown girl in the bar, I like your creative thoughts
Gert
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2018
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Hello Pamusart
Good for you taking liberty to write your mystery poem if the stranger (Jerry/Harry) did kill the rundown girl in the bar, I like your creative thoughts
Gert
Comment Written 18-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2018
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Thank you Gert for a great review
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You are welcome Pamusart
Gert
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You are welcome Pamusart
Gert