Jellybean Love
Falling in love at age fifty? Possible?12 total reviews
Comment from judiverse
This is indeed a beautiful story, and best of luck in the contest. You brought two such unlikely characters together, and it really works. The love seems genuine. You give enough information about the backgrounds of each to make it clear why they would be attracted to one another. Jerry has left a high-powered job after his wife died to care for his daughter, and Elly is tired of her job. They have that in common. Great work with the names Jerry and Elly. As the daughter says, she gets Jelly. Makes a great ending for this sweet love story. judi
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2018
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This is indeed a beautiful story, and best of luck in the contest. You brought two such unlikely characters together, and it really works. The love seems genuine. You give enough information about the backgrounds of each to make it clear why they would be attracted to one another. Jerry has left a high-powered job after his wife died to care for his daughter, and Elly is tired of her job. They have that in common. Great work with the names Jerry and Elly. As the daughter says, she gets Jelly. Makes a great ending for this sweet love story. judi
Comment Written 08-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2018
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It's my belief there are not enough love stories for some on us older folks--especially as the population ages. Stories with young nubile characters can often leave some people bemoaning what they never had instead of what may still be possible. Thanks for the read and review.
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You're welcome. Two of my classmates were widowed and both found new husbands. Both in their seventies at the time. A friend married for the first time when she was in her late 50s. Never too late, as they say. judi
Comment from prettybluebirds
Excellent. I haven't heard from you for a while but I haven't been on here much either. I love your short romantic story. You should do great in the contest. I wish you the best of luck.
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2018
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Excellent. I haven't heard from you for a while but I haven't been on here much either. I love your short romantic story. You should do great in the contest. I wish you the best of luck.
Comment Written 07-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2018
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I'm not posting very much and reviewing has become difficult. Thanks so much for the kind endorsement.
Comment from Ulla
Hi there, Isn't this the sweetest of stories. I loved it, and it's well written. I just found a few things:
he sound of his name coming from her lips shocked him. = The sound ...
and would never eat e, = erase a stray 'e'
When he hadn't shown up for work she'd became unnerved. = ... she'd become unnerved.
Good luck in the contest. All the best. Ulla:)))
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2018
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Hi there, Isn't this the sweetest of stories. I loved it, and it's well written. I just found a few things:
he sound of his name coming from her lips shocked him. = The sound ...
and would never eat e, = erase a stray 'e'
When he hadn't shown up for work she'd became unnerved. = ... she'd become unnerved.
Good luck in the contest. All the best. Ulla:)))
Comment Written 07-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2018
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Ulla, thank you so much. I've corrected those nits and can't thank you enough.
Comment from Sasha
I know many say this, but I honestly wish I had a 6 to give you for this lovely entry for this contest. You are one of the best writers on this site and I miss your posts immensely. This is a beautiful love story and I sincerely wish you all the best in this contest. I found two minor spags: double .. at the beginning, and gfrst for first near the end.
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2018
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I know many say this, but I honestly wish I had a 6 to give you for this lovely entry for this contest. You are one of the best writers on this site and I miss your posts immensely. This is a beautiful love story and I sincerely wish you all the best in this contest. I found two minor spags: double .. at the beginning, and gfrst for first near the end.
Comment Written 06-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2018
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You are a lovely person, and always kind/ Thank you very much for the compliments.
Comment from giraffmang
This is a great piece for the competition and it hope it features when the judging comes around. there is a little bit of tidying up needed but all minor little things-
That's a very nice introduction to character in the first paragraph.
never suspect her leisure-Wear consisted - not sure you need the cpaitalisation here.
not even her name.Yet, he thought - need spacing before Yet.
Jerry's introduction is very well-executed as well, he enters naturally as an extension of Elly's story. very organic; a trait which is sadly lacking these days.
interest shifted from playing with Daddy.. - double punctuation here.
, porcelain skin, but at tine, all he saw was another hand stretched- not sure about 'at tine' here.
Gob smacked, Jerry stood - Gobsmacked could be a single word here.
she stopped at the Curb.- don't need the capitalisation here.
a cellophane-wrapped bouquet of flower - flowers.
"Elly..."" He was out of breath- double marks at the end here.
certainly aware of Jerry from the gfrst day - first.
she didn't want and would never eat excuses to return to the kiosk - I think you need some form of punctuation after eat.
blocking pedestrian traffic, staring at each other., looking - delete the full stop.
The ending is perfect for this tale.
G
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2018
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This is a great piece for the competition and it hope it features when the judging comes around. there is a little bit of tidying up needed but all minor little things-
That's a very nice introduction to character in the first paragraph.
never suspect her leisure-Wear consisted - not sure you need the cpaitalisation here.
not even her name.Yet, he thought - need spacing before Yet.
Jerry's introduction is very well-executed as well, he enters naturally as an extension of Elly's story. very organic; a trait which is sadly lacking these days.
interest shifted from playing with Daddy.. - double punctuation here.
, porcelain skin, but at tine, all he saw was another hand stretched- not sure about 'at tine' here.
Gob smacked, Jerry stood - Gobsmacked could be a single word here.
she stopped at the Curb.- don't need the capitalisation here.
a cellophane-wrapped bouquet of flower - flowers.
"Elly..."" He was out of breath- double marks at the end here.
certainly aware of Jerry from the gfrst day - first.
she didn't want and would never eat excuses to return to the kiosk - I think you need some form of punctuation after eat.
blocking pedestrian traffic, staring at each other., looking - delete the full stop.
The ending is perfect for this tale.
G
Comment Written 06-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2018
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You are FS treasure and I hope you win enough reviewing contests to make your dedication to the writers here worthwhile. I am VRERY appreciative and have already made the corrections. thank you!
Comment from ExperiencingLiphe
I love it and I love it idea of throwing jell beans instead of rice. I know there was meaning here but it's a cool idea for someone. I don't know if I'd want to waste jelly beans like that but it's still unique. Putting yourself out there can be hard but it can also be the most rewarding thing you've ever done.
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2018
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I love it and I love it idea of throwing jell beans instead of rice. I know there was meaning here but it's a cool idea for someone. I don't know if I'd want to waste jelly beans like that but it's still unique. Putting yourself out there can be hard but it can also be the most rewarding thing you've ever done.
Comment Written 06-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2018
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For sire. But, w live in a society that disregards older women as far as any entitlement to feel desirable or for that matter--wanted. I made Elly beautiful on purpose, to allow even those age insecurities don't go away. Thanks for reading. I take it you really LOVE jellybeans, LOL
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I mean jelly beans are good but chocolate is where it's at
Comment from country ranch writer
Nice with a happy ending which I like and also love jelly beans too hehe. Liked her little jelly bean meaning there it was cute.
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2018
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Nice with a happy ending which I like and also love jelly beans too hehe. Liked her little jelly bean meaning there it was cute.
Comment Written 06-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2018
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Thank you very much for your kind woeds.
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smiles
Comment from jmdg1954
A tremendous, competitive entry for the Romance Contest. Two lonely people drawn together in the most honest way in its telling. I was sad to come to the end of the story.
Nicely done and best of luck. John
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2018
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A tremendous, competitive entry for the Romance Contest. Two lonely people drawn together in the most honest way in its telling. I was sad to come to the end of the story.
Nicely done and best of luck. John
Comment Written 05-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2018
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Thank you for the kind words.
Comment from kiwijenny
There are some typos but this is a genuinely good love story.
certainly aware of Jerry from the girst dat he arrived at the booth. ..first day
anything about the won, except....he understood the loneliness.
woman?
but at tine, all he saw was another hand stretched out, trying to pay for her newspaper.
at the time?
God bless...good luck
reply by the author on 05-Sep-2018
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There are some typos but this is a genuinely good love story.
certainly aware of Jerry from the girst dat he arrived at the booth. ..first day
anything about the won, except....he understood the loneliness.
woman?
but at tine, all he saw was another hand stretched out, trying to pay for her newspaper.
at the time?
God bless...good luck
Comment Written 05-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 05-Sep-2018
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Thanks so much for the read and the extra eyes.
Comment from Cybertron1986
A very engaging story with a nice pace in character development from the start. As the reader, one can genuinely relate with the characters that is largely due to both your unique and well-expressed voice. Beautiful overall.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 05-Sep-2018
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A very engaging story with a nice pace in character development from the start. As the reader, one can genuinely relate with the characters that is largely due to both your unique and well-expressed voice. Beautiful overall.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 05-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 05-Sep-2018
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Thank you so very much.