Turf Snake
A darker side of a light-hearted joke among football players26 total reviews
Comment from Earl Corp
Wow that was dark, and I think it was the best horror story I have read. And I'll admit I'm not a huge snake fan. But reading about a rape turning into a murder was really something. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2019
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Wow that was dark, and I think it was the best horror story I have read. And I'll admit I'm not a huge snake fan. But reading about a rape turning into a murder was really something. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 03-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2019
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Thanx, Earl, for taking the time to read this one -- I very much appreciate your review! :) Have a wonderful weekend! ;) ;) Yvette
Comment from jusylee72
Very well written and it kept me wanting to read. I want to know what happened next and if they were missed where the pictures were supposed to be taken. Maybe she morphs into something like him. You made this both sensual and scary. Very well done.
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2019
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Very well written and it kept me wanting to read. I want to know what happened next and if they were missed where the pictures were supposed to be taken. Maybe she morphs into something like him. You made this both sensual and scary. Very well done.
Comment Written 03-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2019
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Thank you, Jusylee, for such an outstanding review and those lovely stars!! :) Such a wonderful start to my Fourth of July!! :) :) And I am so glad you enjoyed this very unusual-for-me venture into the Horror Genre and a special bonus for your that you realize that she might not have died... :) ;) LOL! ;) :) Take care and Happy Fourth! :) Yvette
Comment from shaffer40
Intriguing little horror story. I especially like the way you describe the romantic feelings and arousal of the two teens. And the "I wouldn't mine chattin' with yours" line was pretty funny -- and realistic. Well done.
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2019
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Intriguing little horror story. I especially like the way you describe the romantic feelings and arousal of the two teens. And the "I wouldn't mine chattin' with yours" line was pretty funny -- and realistic. Well done.
Comment Written 02-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2019
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Thanx so much for stopping in on this one, Shaffer -- I do so appreciate your taking the time to read and review!! ;) ;) Great to hear from you and so glad you picked up on some of the 'realistic' nuances I tried to include throughout.... :) Take care out there and have a wonderful remainder of the week! ;) :) Yvette
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You're welcome. Good week for you, too.
Comment from Mrs. KT
Holy Toledo, Yvette!
Your story is fast-paced, engaging, and downright "horrific!" I had no idea that it was going in the direction it did! I thought that perhaps, there would be snakes, yes, but not that the protagonist would become one! GAWD! And I must share, that as much as I am in my gardens, snakes are not my favorite friends to meet!
Loved every morsel!
Best Wishes,
diane
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2019
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Holy Toledo, Yvette!
Your story is fast-paced, engaging, and downright "horrific!" I had no idea that it was going in the direction it did! I thought that perhaps, there would be snakes, yes, but not that the protagonist would become one! GAWD! And I must share, that as much as I am in my gardens, snakes are not my favorite friends to meet!
Loved every morsel!
Best Wishes,
diane
Comment Written 02-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2019
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So, you and I have ALMOST everything in common: I really think snakes are cool - been enamored with them since I was really young! ;) ;) LOL! Seriously, learned all about them: the poisonous ones [cuz we have a good many of them around here!), the really friendly ones, all the facts, etc. -- I had boys on the street that wouldn't touch them when I would just pick 'em up... and, yeah, I'm just a crazy blonde!! And that proves it, I guess - LOL! :) ;)
Honestly, though, you have to know (and I'm guessing you do), I don't write these kind of stories often for a reason: I have WAAAY too vivid of an imagination for it....this one is still such a prominent thing that I plugged in the nightlight Sunday night (and that is really not a joke!). I write these Horror Contests because there's no entry fee and It's a good practice activity (you know, the whole 'push your limits' thing, I guess!) .... that's all! I can't even make it through horror movies...they stay with me for weeks! Seriously, I quit going to them after the Alien Series back when... they scare the hell out of me not there in the theater...it's what my imagination carries out of the theater that's the problem!! ;) Take care up there -- the snakes will stay away (literally, they will run away) as long as you are 'noisy' -- and thanx for making it through this one...lol! ;) ;) Yvette
Comment from Debra White
Hi Yvette :)
Your story freaked me out a bit! (Mission accomplished then, right?!)
I really enjoyed it - I thought there was something a little 'off' about Johnny, but couldn't quite put my finger on it! Now we know LOL
Well written, gripping and highly entertaining, I really enjoyed the read.
Good luck in the contest. Best wishes as always, Debra :)
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2019
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Hi Yvette :)
Your story freaked me out a bit! (Mission accomplished then, right?!)
I really enjoyed it - I thought there was something a little 'off' about Johnny, but couldn't quite put my finger on it! Now we know LOL
Well written, gripping and highly entertaining, I really enjoyed the read.
Good luck in the contest. Best wishes as always, Debra :)
Comment Written 02-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2019
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Hooray -- that means it worked! ;) ;) LOL! You know, I don't write these often for a reason: I have WAAAY too vivid of an imagination for it....it'll take me days to get this out of my head (and that is really not a joke!). I write these Horror Contests because there's no entry fee and It's a good practice activity (you know, the whole 'push your limits' thing, I guess!) .... that's all! I can't even make it through horror movies...they stay with me for weeks! Seriously, I quit going to them after the Alien Series back when... they scare the hell out of me not there in the theater...it's what my imagination carries out of the theater that's the problem!! ;) Take care over there, Lady D, and thanx for making it through this one...lol! ;) ;) Yvette
Comment from doggymad1
Well written with an interesting twist at the end. Plenty of tension in this one both sexual and fearful.
Luckily we have no snakes in Ireland and I have never had the experience of a smelly locker room either. However, I certainly got the feeling of nausea from your description
hugs
Freda
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2019
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Well written with an interesting twist at the end. Plenty of tension in this one both sexual and fearful.
Luckily we have no snakes in Ireland and I have never had the experience of a smelly locker room either. However, I certainly got the feeling of nausea from your description
hugs
Freda
Comment Written 02-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2019
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Oh, Freda, thank you so much for your review....and I've always been amazed about the 'no snakes' thing.... you guys are so missing out on all these 'cool' reptiles...LOL! :) ;) Secretly, I think they're cool, but I've had to leave the bathroom light on the last few nights....not joking!! ;) ;) Glad you enjoyed the 'teenage angst' I tried to weave into it as well!; ) :) Take care! ;) Yvette :)
Comment from JudyE
Definitely qualifies as a horror story! I hope I can sleep tonight! The tension builds up really well. It's a great write.
I picked up a few things:
He pulled the pick up near the stadium's dressing room entrance - I'm having trouble with this. Should it be 'pulled the pick-up up near....'? or maybe 'He parked the pick-up...'
she was over-whelmed - 'over-whelmed' should be one word
As she laughed in his arms, Jonathan felt a bit of irritation rise - rather than 'a bit', maybe consider 'felt a slight irritation'
She had barely begun to speak as he knelt, grasped one of her ankles, and lifted her foot off the ground. - maybe 'when he knelt' rather than 'as he knelt'
But he had already pulled the second shoe off her other foot - I would delete 'her other foot'
By the time they reached the emblem painted in the middle of the field, her jovialness - joviality
"Johnny?" Her smiled had faded - her smile
a low, ethereal light of its own that shown slightly brighter than the moonlight around them. - spelling - shone slightly brighter
Johnny. Johnny. Pleessssssse, Johnny. - should there be quote marks around this?
Pleeasssssse, Johnny. Pleeeessssse, Johnny. Pleeeeeessssssse. - quotes around this?
Good luck. Cheers. Judy
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2019
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Definitely qualifies as a horror story! I hope I can sleep tonight! The tension builds up really well. It's a great write.
I picked up a few things:
He pulled the pick up near the stadium's dressing room entrance - I'm having trouble with this. Should it be 'pulled the pick-up up near....'? or maybe 'He parked the pick-up...'
she was over-whelmed - 'over-whelmed' should be one word
As she laughed in his arms, Jonathan felt a bit of irritation rise - rather than 'a bit', maybe consider 'felt a slight irritation'
She had barely begun to speak as he knelt, grasped one of her ankles, and lifted her foot off the ground. - maybe 'when he knelt' rather than 'as he knelt'
But he had already pulled the second shoe off her other foot - I would delete 'her other foot'
By the time they reached the emblem painted in the middle of the field, her jovialness - joviality
"Johnny?" Her smiled had faded - her smile
a low, ethereal light of its own that shown slightly brighter than the moonlight around them. - spelling - shone slightly brighter
Johnny. Johnny. Pleessssssse, Johnny. - should there be quote marks around this?
Pleeasssssse, Johnny. Pleeeessssse, Johnny. Pleeeeeessssssse. - quotes around this?
Good luck. Cheers. Judy
Comment Written 02-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2019
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Thanx so much for stopping in on this one, Lady Judy -- I went through and implemented many of these....there aren't supposed to be quotes around the italics, but thanx for all the catches here! ;) ;) Take care, ma'am, and have a great week! ;) Yvette
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I do hope you'll always ignore anything that doesn't work for you.
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Ditto on this end, ma'am -- I'm just so very glad to have a trustworthy second set of eyes that isn't out to change my entire style of writing! You are a wonderful friend!! ;) ;)
Comment from Debbie Pope
My goodness. I told you a long time ago (last Halloween?) that Horror was your genre. You just laughed. Now I have the last laugh because this story proves me right. The way your mind works woman. I've never met anyone like you. Do you dream this stuff up in dreams or does it just come to you as you wash the dishes or cook your gluten-free meals. Simply amazing.
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2019
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My goodness. I told you a long time ago (last Halloween?) that Horror was your genre. You just laughed. Now I have the last laugh because this story proves me right. The way your mind works woman. I've never met anyone like you. Do you dream this stuff up in dreams or does it just come to you as you wash the dishes or cook your gluten-free meals. Simply amazing.
Comment Written 01-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2019
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And, you know, this is the first horror write I've done since then....you know what I don't write these often, right? Three guesses and then ...... I have WAAAY too vivid of an imagination for it....it'll take me days to get this out of my head (and that is really not a joke - crinkled paper the cats skid across the floor last night had me 'jerking up' in bed!). I write these Horror Contests because there's no entry fee and It's a good practice activity to write something outside my comfort zone .... that's all! :) ;) Seriously, I can't even make it through horror movies (about earth or elsewhere)...they stay with me for weeks! Seriously, I quit going to them after the Alien Series back when... they scare the living hell out of me not there in the theater (no matter how stupid the plot!!)...it's what my imagination carries OUT of the theater that's the problem!! ;)
So far as where it comes from....I take a little time to set my brain in 'dark mode' and once i find an idea there, I latch on and start typing....this one really wasn't exactly what I started out with, but you get what you get when you play in the dark - LOL! ;P :P
Thank you again for your wonderful support, MQ!! ;) ;) Take care, ma'am, and have a great remainder of the week. :) LOL! :) ;) Yvette
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Your imagination is astounding.
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Wow! You wrote a darn good horror story. Bravo! I held my breath waiting for the snakes to get her, and they did. Great premise. I hope you win, it's that good. Of course, I haven't read the others. I don't read horror, and this one sneaked by my notice... like a sneaky smake. :)
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2019
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Wow! You wrote a darn good horror story. Bravo! I held my breath waiting for the snakes to get her, and they did. Great premise. I hope you win, it's that good. Of course, I haven't read the others. I don't read horror, and this one sneaked by my notice... like a sneaky smake. :)
Comment Written 01-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2019
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THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH, Phyllis!! ;) I don't write these often for a reason: I have WAAAY too vivid of an imagination for it....it'll take me days to get this out of my head (and that is really not a joke!). I write these Horror Contests because there's no entry fee and It's a good practice activity to write something outside my comfort zone .... that's all! I can't even make it through horror movies...they stay with me for weeks! Seriously, I quit going to them after the Alien Series back when... they scare the hell out of me not there in the theater...it's what my imagination carries out of the theater that's the problem!! ;) Take care, ma'am, and watch out for more sneaky smakes... :) LOL! :) ;) Yvette
Comment from Gail Denham
Yuk and double yuk - so did he poison her with his awful head of a cobra? You outdid yourself with horror I think. I really really hate snakes and was thinking he was just going to take her into a den of them. There are dens around here - of rattlesnakes. The thought of them takes the breath.
However, you did the job of the contest. Think that's one I'll avoid.
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2019
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Yuk and double yuk - so did he poison her with his awful head of a cobra? You outdid yourself with horror I think. I really really hate snakes and was thinking he was just going to take her into a den of them. There are dens around here - of rattlesnakes. The thought of them takes the breath.
However, you did the job of the contest. Think that's one I'll avoid.
Comment Written 01-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2019
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Yeah, I'm with you on the yuck, Gail -- I won't be sleeping well for a while...... I purposefully do not usually write Horror since my imagination runs away with it long after the write is done!! :) I am glad you made it through -- thank you for the gracious review!! :) ;) We had a lot more rattlesnakes (and copperheads) back in Louisiana than we do here, but it could be the difference in the terrain as well.... :) ;) Take care! ;) Yvette
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Yes, I rather imagine you might "feel" snakes crawling around under the covers. shiver...