The Piper
Viewing comments for Chapter 34 "The Piper, part 34"Young Adult Fantasy
19 total reviews
Comment from Spitfire
Don't know if I'll find time to read what I missed, but your use of varied sentence structure, action verbs and adjectives is so good, it's a delight to read and a lesson in good writing.
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2020
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Don't know if I'll find time to read what I missed, but your use of varied sentence structure, action verbs and adjectives is so good, it's a delight to read and a lesson in good writing.
Comment Written 23-Mar-2020
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2020
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Hi Shari,
Wow, thank you for the exceptional six star rating. Even better, your review is greatly appreciated. Mostly, people review the storytelling, that you have reviewed the writing means a lot. I appreciate the specifics.
Debi
Comment from BeasPeas
This is an excellent chapter, debi. Your written is descriptive and flows well. You've told the sequence in an exciting way that holds the reader with Burkehart as he struggles. Good work. Marilyn
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2020
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This is an excellent chapter, debi. Your written is descriptive and flows well. You've told the sequence in an exciting way that holds the reader with Burkehart as he struggles. Good work. Marilyn
Comment Written 07-Mar-2020
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2020
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Hi Marilyn,
Thank you for the encouraging comments about this chapter. It is good to hear about the how it flows and holds the reader's attention.
Debi
Comment from juliaSjames
"The feel of the pitted stone covered in moss felt even more disgusting" - " The pitted stone covered in moss felt even more disgusting"
A lot of excitement and action in this well crafted chapter, Debi. Burkehart shows his mettle in difficult circumstances as befits a Captain of the Guard. I can't recall if you mentioned whether he was armed in an earlier chapter. But he doesn't seem to be now. Isn't that strange for a soldier on a quest?
Looking forward to the next episode of this adventure as the Captain enters the world of the fair folk.
Blessings Julia
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2020
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"The feel of the pitted stone covered in moss felt even more disgusting" - " The pitted stone covered in moss felt even more disgusting"
A lot of excitement and action in this well crafted chapter, Debi. Burkehart shows his mettle in difficult circumstances as befits a Captain of the Guard. I can't recall if you mentioned whether he was armed in an earlier chapter. But he doesn't seem to be now. Isn't that strange for a soldier on a quest?
Looking forward to the next episode of this adventure as the Captain enters the world of the fair folk.
Blessings Julia
Comment Written 06-Mar-2020
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2020
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Hi Julia,
Thank you for the detailed review.
Thank you for catching the repeat in that sentence. I've read it too many times to notice, I guess.
Kudos for catching the captain without his weapons. You're right; he would be armed at all times, and when he left the inn to go in search of Piper, he did have weapons. I have added a sword and dagger to the items he has with him.
Thank you for the kind comments and assistance.
Debi
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You're welcome Debi. Happy to help.
Julia
Comment from Pam (respa)
-Burkehart is certainly having an adventure, Debi.
-You use very good description and
build the suspense very well.
-I don't know if there is anything
else that could have happened to
him, except fall in the water or be
discovered by Red-Leiff!
-I like how you include his thoughts
as he goes along in his exploration.
-I bet he was very grateful for that
discovery of light and warm air.
-A good ending, and it will be very
interesting to see what happens now.
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2020
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-Burkehart is certainly having an adventure, Debi.
-You use very good description and
build the suspense very well.
-I don't know if there is anything
else that could have happened to
him, except fall in the water or be
discovered by Red-Leiff!
-I like how you include his thoughts
as he goes along in his exploration.
-I bet he was very grateful for that
discovery of light and warm air.
-A good ending, and it will be very
interesting to see what happens now.
Comment Written 04-Mar-2020
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2020
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Hi Pam,
Thank you for the super rating. I appreciate the six stars. I also appreciate the great comments. I think falling in the water would have been fatale and no more captain.
Debi
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You are very welcome and deserving of he stars and review, Debi. I only put that in because so much had already happened to him; he didn't have many options left. Although an encounter with Red-Leiff would have been interesting, but I don't think that result would have been good, either. The captain would have been out of his element and in pretty bad shape, as well!
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LOL. More trouble to come. hehe
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Will there be more heaving with deep sighs, ha, ha.
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Love it!
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😊 By the way, on Sun. I am going to start posting a story I put together. The first part is introduction, followed by 4 chapters. I hope you will stop by and let me know what you think. I would appreciate your insight.
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I will be delighted to do that and honored that you would ask. Sundays get a bit crazy around my house, but I'll get to it as soon as I can. That's why I started to post on Sunday, so I will go away and not check my post every five minutes. LOL
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I am excited to see what you!
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I am excited to see what you have written!
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I appreciate it.
Comment from estory
I think you did a pretty good job of giving us a sense of the frustration of Burkhart as he struggles in the waterfall and scrapes his knuckles trying to get into the fairy realm. I liked the description of the waterfall and the roar of the water; it reminded me of hiking Dry Falls in western NC. Then there's light at the end of the tunnel and it seems he made it, and you have some good suspense there as we wonder what will happen to him as he ventures inside. Maybe the scene of Burkhart struggling in the water might be a bit long; a good edit might give it some more focus and keep the action going. estory
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2020
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I think you did a pretty good job of giving us a sense of the frustration of Burkhart as he struggles in the waterfall and scrapes his knuckles trying to get into the fairy realm. I liked the description of the waterfall and the roar of the water; it reminded me of hiking Dry Falls in western NC. Then there's light at the end of the tunnel and it seems he made it, and you have some good suspense there as we wonder what will happen to him as he ventures inside. Maybe the scene of Burkhart struggling in the water might be a bit long; a good edit might give it some more focus and keep the action going. estory
Comment Written 03-Mar-2020
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2020
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Thank you for the review and the suggestions, estory.
Comment from rwilliam
I really enjoyed this chapter. I have to admit, at the beginning, I too took a deep breath and released it to the count of five, tee hee. I like to get into a story that I enjoy. :))
Your descriptive writing painted the scene very well. I was pulling for Burkerhart and felt the tension when he slipped and was nearly washed away. I felt the pain this torn fingernails. I've done that, ouch.
Beautiful writing. Wonderful job!
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2020
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I really enjoyed this chapter. I have to admit, at the beginning, I too took a deep breath and released it to the count of five, tee hee. I like to get into a story that I enjoy. :))
Your descriptive writing painted the scene very well. I was pulling for Burkerhart and felt the tension when he slipped and was nearly washed away. I felt the pain this torn fingernails. I've done that, ouch.
Beautiful writing. Wonderful job!
Comment Written 03-Mar-2020
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2020
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Hi rwilliam,
I am happy to hear enjoyed this chapter and that you get into the story. I appreciate the encouraging comments. Thank you for the super six star rating. I appreciate it.
Debi
Comment from Writingfundimension
Hello, my friend,
Another excellent chapter!
So, I'm catching up on your story after being away, but I did get the gist of Burkehart's character. Loved this section, which I think fits so very well with a fantasy realm:
'When he stepped behind the waterfall and reached a solid place, he paused to orient himself. The sheer power of the water roared in his ears. The dim and flickering light in the cavern revealed little. The entrance to the faerie realm was not as obvious as he had hoped. He cursed...'
Heh heh, an honest seeker would expect that I think!
Extremely enjoyable reading as always, Debi. Great job.
:) Bev
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2020
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Hello, my friend,
Another excellent chapter!
So, I'm catching up on your story after being away, but I did get the gist of Burkehart's character. Loved this section, which I think fits so very well with a fantasy realm:
'When he stepped behind the waterfall and reached a solid place, he paused to orient himself. The sheer power of the water roared in his ears. The dim and flickering light in the cavern revealed little. The entrance to the faerie realm was not as obvious as he had hoped. He cursed...'
Heh heh, an honest seeker would expect that I think!
Extremely enjoyable reading as always, Debi. Great job.
:) Bev
Comment Written 02-Mar-2020
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2020
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Hi Bev,
What a great review. Thank you for the six stars, which are much appreciated. Also, thank you for the great comments. I loved your heh heh. Curses foiled again.
Debi
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You're very welcome, Debi. Always a pleasure! :) Bev
Comment from robyn corum
Debi,
I think I've told you before that I don't read much fantasy. Somehow, my left brain gets too involved and won't let the magic happen like it should. haha
But I did enjoy this post. It was extremely well written and engaging and certainly makes the reader want to see waht comes next. The descriptions left very vivid images in my mind and I could see all that was taking place. Kudos!
A couple of notes, if I may?
1.) selecting rocks that appeared to poke out of the water and offer enough space for him to place at least the ball of his foot on.
--> selecting rocks that appeared to poke out of the water and offered enough space for him to at least place the ball of his foot.
--> keeping your verbs the same - 'appeared' and 'offered'
2.) He went a couple of feet (farther), satisf(ying) himself that the flooring was level enough,
--> when it's distances, use 'farther'
3.) He found a foothold for his right foot, test(ing) it to make sure he had purchase,
I understand if you don't agree with everything. *smile* Use what you like (if any) and toss the rest.
Thanks so much!
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2020
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Debi,
I think I've told you before that I don't read much fantasy. Somehow, my left brain gets too involved and won't let the magic happen like it should. haha
But I did enjoy this post. It was extremely well written and engaging and certainly makes the reader want to see waht comes next. The descriptions left very vivid images in my mind and I could see all that was taking place. Kudos!
A couple of notes, if I may?
1.) selecting rocks that appeared to poke out of the water and offer enough space for him to place at least the ball of his foot on.
--> selecting rocks that appeared to poke out of the water and offered enough space for him to at least place the ball of his foot.
--> keeping your verbs the same - 'appeared' and 'offered'
2.) He went a couple of feet (farther), satisf(ying) himself that the flooring was level enough,
--> when it's distances, use 'farther'
3.) He found a foothold for his right foot, test(ing) it to make sure he had purchase,
I understand if you don't agree with everything. *smile* Use what you like (if any) and toss the rest.
Thanks so much!
Comment Written 02-Mar-2020
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2020
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Hi Robyn,
I appreciate the detailed review and suggestions. I will take a look at the changes you suggest. I appreciate you taking the time and effort to make my work better.
I did smile at the comment that you don't read much fantasy. I do remember a chapter you wrote for a fantasy book a while ago and if I remember, your chapter won the contest.
Thank you for the encouraging remarks and for reading this chapter. I do appreciate it.
Debi
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Haha!! Maybe so, but I bet mine was not too fanciful.
Was that when we talked about continuing that story. Just the three of us?? I saw my notes on that recently but when I went to look just now-if course, they are nowhere to be seen. Ugh.
I?m still interested!
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Yes, that was it. I thought you did a great job.
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Well, I thought we ALL did!!
I need to find that stuff and get it out again. We could still do something with it. Even if we just decided to post once a week or something. Hmmm...
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I suppose we could consider it. I haven't seen F.Wehr3 on line for several months. He started us off with the characters and setting. Hmm
Comment from rspoet
Hello Debi,
Boo! A chapter about Burkehart, but a six nevertheless.
You've described the captain's slippery approach to the fae world extremely well, though I think young readers will be hoping he'll fall into the freezing water of the falls. His success is a good lesson in patience, planning and woodsmanship. "I hate the feel of moss" is an excellent line, as that moss is part of the falls that protects the fae world.
Still, the captain is a tenacious foe who doesn't give up easily and it seems he has found the entrance, though maybe his hardy laugh alerted some fae.
Perhaps Piper's flute can charm him into loving nature. :)
Well done.
Robert
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2020
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Hello Debi,
Boo! A chapter about Burkehart, but a six nevertheless.
You've described the captain's slippery approach to the fae world extremely well, though I think young readers will be hoping he'll fall into the freezing water of the falls. His success is a good lesson in patience, planning and woodsmanship. "I hate the feel of moss" is an excellent line, as that moss is part of the falls that protects the fae world.
Still, the captain is a tenacious foe who doesn't give up easily and it seems he has found the entrance, though maybe his hardy laugh alerted some fae.
Perhaps Piper's flute can charm him into loving nature. :)
Well done.
Robert
Comment Written 02-Mar-2020
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2020
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Hi Robert,
You made me laugh with that "Boo!" and the thought that there are those who would hope Burkehart would fall in the water. I appreciate the analysis of the writing and the character.
I had a hard time coming up with a title for this chapter, but I like your words "slippery approach." I think I will rename it to Slippery Approach after it is no longer active. I'd hate to confuse people in the middle of a post by doing it now.
Thank you for the beautiful six star rating and the generous comments.
Debi
Comment from nancy_e_davis
So Burkehart has found it. Fairyland! He was lucky not to have perished when he went sliding into the abyss with nothing to break his fall, but he managed to grab onto something. He is safe for the moment but there was a group of Fairfolk following behind. He will soon be discovered.
Good Job Debi! Nancy:)
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2020
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So Burkehart has found it. Fairyland! He was lucky not to have perished when he went sliding into the abyss with nothing to break his fall, but he managed to grab onto something. He is safe for the moment but there was a group of Fairfolk following behind. He will soon be discovered.
Good Job Debi! Nancy:)
Comment Written 02-Mar-2020
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2020
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Hi Nancy,
Thank you for the great analysis and your thoughts on the chapter. I appreciate your continued support.
Debi