Heart Cafted Poems - 2020
Viewing comments for Chapter 25 "The Hobo"Musings of an old man -2020
22 total reviews
Comment from Bill Schott
This poem, The Hobo, is well-metered and rhymed. The decision to hit the road with a basic lifestyle calls on one's wits and confidence to serve each day and night. The will comes through in the characters voice.
reply by the author on 22-May-2020
  |
This poem, The Hobo, is well-metered and rhymed. The decision to hit the road with a basic lifestyle calls on one's wits and confidence to serve each day and night. The will comes through in the characters voice.
Comment Written 22-May-2020
reply by the author on 22-May-2020
-
Bill, again you seem to hear the voice intended coming through this poem I thank you for your commitment to review and comment on my various attempts at poetry. Jim
Comment from Sophie Clarke
A very beautiful poem which really encapsulates how unnecessary material things are. I think you've managed iambic pentameter really well, too; not an easy feat! Thank you for the poem!
reply by the author on 22-May-2020
|
A very beautiful poem which really encapsulates how unnecessary material things are. I think you've managed iambic pentameter really well, too; not an easy feat! Thank you for the poem!
Comment Written 22-May-2020
reply by the author on 22-May-2020
-
Sophie, thank you
Comment from joycetreasures
Hello JLR,
I hope all is well with you. I am the last one to comment on your iambic meter writing. However, I can share that this is a very nice Hobo poem. It is a well written story. "jeans so torn the patches are worn" is a great line. There was a lot of creativity with your words in your message, such as catching the fish a roll of twine and bent wire and then cooking it. Also, I love the artwork used for reflecting your message. This was an enjoyable read. Thank. Well-done. Much success in your future iambic meter writing. Happy writing:-)
reply by the author on 22-May-2020
|
Hello JLR,
I hope all is well with you. I am the last one to comment on your iambic meter writing. However, I can share that this is a very nice Hobo poem. It is a well written story. "jeans so torn the patches are worn" is a great line. There was a lot of creativity with your words in your message, such as catching the fish a roll of twine and bent wire and then cooking it. Also, I love the artwork used for reflecting your message. This was an enjoyable read. Thank. Well-done. Much success in your future iambic meter writing. Happy writing:-)
Comment Written 21-May-2020
reply by the author on 22-May-2020
-
joyce thank you! I write words for the art of writing. The poetic style that is my comfort zone is free verse. However, i feel compelled to at least understand the complexity that comes from others perfection of the use iambic meter.
-
Good job. You are welcome.
Comment from Pam (respa)
-I love the hobo, JLR!
That is quite a piece of artwork.
-The imagery is very good,
along with the rhyme.
-You paint a vivid picture of
your appearance and how you
feel about it:
"jeans so torn the patches are worn"
-I like the concluding lines
because you do not feel unloved,
but will enjoy the stream, fishing,
and having a good dinner.
-I enjoyed your poem.
-A couple of small things:
died.â??
there s
reply by the author on 21-May-2020
|
-I love the hobo, JLR!
That is quite a piece of artwork.
-The imagery is very good,
along with the rhyme.
-You paint a vivid picture of
your appearance and how you
feel about it:
"jeans so torn the patches are worn"
-I like the concluding lines
because you do not feel unloved,
but will enjoy the stream, fishing,
and having a good dinner.
-I enjoyed your poem.
-A couple of small things:
died.â??
there s
Comment Written 21-May-2020
reply by the author on 21-May-2020
-
Pam, I thank you so very much! I missed the spag.
-
You are very welcome. You forgot this one-there s a spot [there's].
Check your message box when you get a chance.
Comment from June Sargent
I love these sentiments - the best things in life are free. I'm sure many of us would have preferred sitting by that stream beneath the oak tree - fishing leisurely, instead of bring under lockdown, regardless of what we had in the bank account. Well said!
reply by the author on 20-May-2020
|
I love these sentiments - the best things in life are free. I'm sure many of us would have preferred sitting by that stream beneath the oak tree - fishing leisurely, instead of bring under lockdown, regardless of what we had in the bank account. Well said!
Comment Written 20-May-2020
reply by the author on 20-May-2020
-
June, thank you. Growing up around the railyards, I saw many hobos make there way through onto new discoveries and new horizons, with just the bare necessities for their life's to be complete.
Comment from smileycloud
I like your poem very much and it is a great story
I should stay well away from commenting on meter, but, here I bravely go where I should never go;-
"A hand-me-down shirt I loved", I am an extreme novice but is this line a
"daDUMdaDUMDUMdaDUM" where the 4 previous lines of iambic pentameter read as "daDUMdaDUMdaDUMdaDUM"
there is anapestic tetrameter which is dadaDUM with 4 metrical feet but I am not really any good at any of it as a real poet
the way I get my stressed and unstressed meter right I type the unstressed letters in lower case and stressed letters in upper case but this is because I am on an extreme learning curve so I have confused myself with your meter so;-
I love your poem
your little runaway is very endearing and it certainly teaches us all a lesson in only having what we need for survival and sustenance and all the rest is gall ego and waste
very good strong message and I dearly love the supporting pictyred image
have a smiley day
reply by the author on 20-May-2020
|
I like your poem very much and it is a great story
I should stay well away from commenting on meter, but, here I bravely go where I should never go;-
"A hand-me-down shirt I loved", I am an extreme novice but is this line a
"daDUMdaDUMDUMdaDUM" where the 4 previous lines of iambic pentameter read as "daDUMdaDUMdaDUMdaDUM"
there is anapestic tetrameter which is dadaDUM with 4 metrical feet but I am not really any good at any of it as a real poet
the way I get my stressed and unstressed meter right I type the unstressed letters in lower case and stressed letters in upper case but this is because I am on an extreme learning curve so I have confused myself with your meter so;-
I love your poem
your little runaway is very endearing and it certainly teaches us all a lesson in only having what we need for survival and sustenance and all the rest is gall ego and waste
very good strong message and I dearly love the supporting pictyred image
have a smiley day
Comment Written 20-May-2020
reply by the author on 20-May-2020
-
SmileyCloiud, I just printed out your comments! I am very appreciative of your input and your suggestion has a worthy suggestion with the use of letter case to use in a template form. Thank you, as you can see I do struggle, I am a natural free verser but I feel I must push myself to polish my overall skills. Jim
-
you are a fine writer and I was very lucky a few years back to have a beautiful lady/excellent/supreme writer here on FS "adewpearle" take me under her wing and she tried so gently and wisely to teach me sonnets and poetry as I have never had an education
alas I was away from FS for some time and that beautiful lady has passed on to the Lord
keep writing
put down your thoughts feeluings rants magical visions and THEN go through a line at a time to fix the meter and rhyme
I am such an amateur but like you I LOVE to learn
I hope one of these great writers here on this site gives you heaps of support
by drinking in their comments and by reading their work and reviewing is such a great learning curve
have a smiley writing experience
blessings to you
Lorraine
-
I am taking Jim Bartletts classes and working with a writing coach. Many FS commentators, such as yourself have always been so honest and helpful to help me in my unskilled work. This is my new job in my first year of retirement. I am leaving a written legacy for my eight grandchildren who live all over the US and I get to visit too infrequently.
-
Blessings to you and your family and to your writing career
enjoy retirement
we have been 4 years into our twilight time
:):):)
Comment from Elizabeth Emerald
(hyphenate hand-me-down, jeans so tore (vs torn--I expect you intend to use non-standard English in the hobo's voice) Interesting theme! The hobo's wisdom is well conveyed; the message is apt. Bonus rhyme: holes in the soles. Cheers. LIZ
reply by the author on 20-May-2020
|
(hyphenate hand-me-down, jeans so tore (vs torn--I expect you intend to use non-standard English in the hobo's voice) Interesting theme! The hobo's wisdom is well conveyed; the message is apt. Bonus rhyme: holes in the soles. Cheers. LIZ
Comment Written 20-May-2020
reply by the author on 20-May-2020
-
Elizabeth yes, in this case tore is used in the past tense as it relates to the patches being worn through. I will hyphenate this vv grateful fro your important comments,
-
Tore is the past tense of the verb tear; if you tore your shirt then the shirt can be described as torn (which would rhyme nicely with worn); that said, I prefer your word choice of "tore" in this instance; it is a common colloquial expression--though grammarians would frown on such usage, many regular folk indeed would say "my shirt is tore" rather than the formal "shirt is torn."
Comment from lyenochka
What a cute, whimsical picture about a sad situation.
I like the theme of your poem as it shows what is really important in life is contentment.
All your lines are varied in length so it's harder to achieve a set meter that way. So the first line I read like this:
" this IS the DAY when I go aWAY (9 syllables)
a quick fix might be:
this IS the DAY I GO aWAY (8 syllables)
Iambic meter fits even number of syllables because of the regular daDUM daDUM daDUM daDUM.
reply by the author on 20-May-2020
|
What a cute, whimsical picture about a sad situation.
I like the theme of your poem as it shows what is really important in life is contentment.
All your lines are varied in length so it's harder to achieve a set meter that way. So the first line I read like this:
" this IS the DAY when I go aWAY (9 syllables)
a quick fix might be:
this IS the DAY I GO aWAY (8 syllables)
Iambic meter fits even number of syllables because of the regular daDUM daDUM daDUM daDUM.
Comment Written 19-May-2020
reply by the author on 20-May-2020
-
Thank you I have a bit to go and will benefit greatly from Jim Bartletts class this fall on meter.
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
I liked the sentiments here as you describe the hobo, the flow is uneven, but I'm glad you are working on your iambic meter. To help I have just adjusted the first few lines:
This is the day I go away,
my only bag is by my side
a pair of shoes had made me sway
but toes inside my shoes had died.
Love Dolly x
reply by the author on 20-May-2020
|
I liked the sentiments here as you describe the hobo, the flow is uneven, but I'm glad you are working on your iambic meter. To help I have just adjusted the first few lines:
This is the day I go away,
my only bag is by my side
a pair of shoes had made me sway
but toes inside my shoes had died.
Love Dolly x
Comment Written 19-May-2020
reply by the author on 20-May-2020
-
Dolly, thank you. I have used your edits and reworked every other line. I have come to the conclusion I realize in writing sonnets I need to fashion my own complete dictionary of unstressed/ stressed words I am habitually so wordy. It is so odd because I sing bass in a choir and I am quite good at math meter should be much more natural than it is for me. Anyway TMI sorry it's early (or late) early for you, late fro me :)
-
There is a site called: ?How Many Syllables? you can use. Just type the word in and it will identify the stress for you. I have used it several times and it will help you with the iambic meter. Love Dolly x
-
Outstanding! I have just book marked this - MEGA Virtual HUG!
Comment from Gypsy Blue Rose
The Hobo
by JLR
Hello my friend
I love your presentation and cute picture. I have a hard time with meter and rhyme so I won't critic that. I can tell the poem has a good iambic rhythm. I ran away from home at fifteen and moved across the Atlantic. Didn't have much with me either. Well done.
reply by the author on 19-May-2020
|
The Hobo
by JLR
Hello my friend
I love your presentation and cute picture. I have a hard time with meter and rhyme so I won't critic that. I can tell the poem has a good iambic rhythm. I ran away from home at fifteen and moved across the Atlantic. Didn't have much with me either. Well done.
Comment Written 19-May-2020
reply by the author on 19-May-2020
-
Gypsy I was two years later, having been relocated by a torn family situation at the age of six from Ireland to America. I left the family when I turned seventeen by going into the service.
-
Yeah, I know what it's like. Take care, my friend.