| Humor Non-Fiction posted July 13, 2023 | Chapters: |
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AA connection not
A chapter in the book The Saga of Procrastination
Murphy's Law
by Iza Deleanu
The author has placed a warning on this post for language.
I have this strange habit of talking to myself, or better tackling myself in doing things. So, here goes! After my unsuccessful attempt to follow a schedule, I heard in the background Myself talking:
"Do you know what Murphy's Law for Procrastination is?" I asked myself exasperated.
"Yeah: to talk about a problem and think it goes away!" my ego answered.
"Well, doesn't work like that, it's not freaking magic."
"Why not? I said it, and it's gone. Just like in those AA meetings. Hi, my name is Paul and I drank myself to forget. I promise not to do it again.......not. Did you fall for that? Or like in church, hi father, I have sinned. Okay, son, if you promise not to... your sins will be forgiven!"
"No, dumb-dumb, it's not like that! The law is you said you are going to repent... and hail Mary, you did it again!"
"Oh, God save me! There is no cure for my soul."
"Hold your horses. There is a cure. The first stage is to acknowledge what is the problem."
"That's easy. I know I am freaking lazy. And it's not my fault, I blame it on the age."
"Whatever! Phase two is to write down and pin that piece of paper in front of your nose. Let's say the fridge!"
"The fridge?"
"You pinned it close to the obsession of your procrastination."
"Then I should pin it to my head because that's the problem."
"Your head? Like where in front, behind?"
"No, man, inside! My problem is inside."
"What the hell are you talking about? Should we open your head and gently place the paper there?"
"Nah! It will not help. I will still be the Master Procrastinator. You see, Ms. Judgmental, for me everything starts and ends in my head! Every day I am prophesizing: "Today we shall start exercising." So, first step book the classes. Yesterday, for example, I diligently opened the Avocado menu from YMCA, and I booked for 7.15 pm one class for Zumba and for 7.45 one class for Aquafit."
"And then?"
"Well, it's a mother fucker prophecy, it might go according to the plan, it might not. Everything is in God's hands. So, the chance of it happening is like fifty-fifty."
"Okay, what next?"
"Then from booking to actually showing up and participating it's freaking Golgotha out there! See this is the mother of all procrastination games."
'Tell me what happened yesterday?"
"You know I work from 8 to 4. On my way home, I stopped by the gym with the intention to cancel my hardly booked classes. Once I was inside, I played it by ear. There was a huge line for customer service, so I decided to use my Plus membership and do some pampering after the hard work... of doing physically nothing. You see my job is very intellectual."
" Yeah, you said it, it's all from/or the head. Maybe you should put something from the heart too."
"Ooo, but there it is."
"Really? Like what?"
"Like my kitties and my trips. Those are all from my heart, no procrastination included. I say it, I do it."
"Oh, brother, Ms. Witty in action. So, you went to the plus and then what?"
"First I checked the steam room, and of course was not working. So, I changed into my bathing suit and jumped into the hot tub, you know, to relax. Then I got too hot and decided to try my luck with the swimming pool. I know my chances were kind of slim because Tuesday to Thursday they have swimming lessons from 4 to 8 pm. But, man, I was in luck. There was a lane open for member swimming, so I launched into it. I was the only duck in that row."
"And you swam? For how long?"
"Long? Not long, I did a couple of laps?"
"How many?"
"Three or four. I was getting tired by the noise from the pool, and I didn't want to wet my hair."
" I returned to the plus area and noticed that the steaming room was working at full blast. Of course, I didn't resist the temptation so, here I am plastered on the cement bench like a chameleon and thinking that I am in a 10-star hotel all-inclusive."
"There are no 10-star hotels!"
"Well, then they should make one. I should call Sheik Al-Spending in Dubai and present my brilliant idea. Imagine this... 10-star in the desert."
"Stop dreaming, let's go back to your adventure."
"Fine. I took a shower and I looked at the clock. Damn it, 6 pm. I have one hour to kill until my class."
"Then you've stayed?"
"Nah! I remembered I had to go home and wash my hair because it was having a bad case of wash me now or you'll regret it! I just went to the front desk and cancelled my classes and went straight home."
"Mother of all pearl, you dodged the ball again."
"Hey, stop yelling at me. I had to cancel because of the weatherman. He said that a bad storm will start soon. Since I had no umbrella..."
"And you didn't want to get rainwater on your dirty hair."
"See, you got it!"
"Did it at least rain?"
"Are you serious right now? Since when do you trust the weatherman? He never gets it right!"
"So, you just washed your hair and watched TV?"
"Yeah, and also I vacuumed. Now thinking about it, did you know that I suffer from an incurable disease."
"You do?"
"Yeah! It's called procrastitis. So, I decided to never make any plans for the gym, just go, do it and brag later alligator."
"You are right, you are sick... in the head and from the head, and you just demonstrated to me that Murphy's law works like a charm on you!'
"Which one?"
"The one that says - "nothing is as easy as it looks" garnished with "everything takes longer than you think it will."
 Recognized |
I hope you will enjoy it. Sorry for the length:)
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