I was deeply asleep, as I usually like to be in my twilight years, when I was awoken by a loud and frankly rude booming noise from my yard. Annoyed, I made my way downstairs to see what happened. I lived in the middle of nowhere and sometimes trees fell or some idiot animal was pulling some shenanigans, but this was no such time.

When I walked outside, I saw a massive creature beyond my reckonin’ lying on my lawn in a small crater of a hole.

It was about twenty feet long and eight feet wide. There were numerous tentacles and other bizarre limbs of some sort strewn about in a wide area. A thick section that I assumed was a head was at the front, with the rest trailing behind it. Whatever it had for skin looked solid and liquid and once and was a queer color I’d not seen before.

This would be a horrible nuisance to me.

You see, I liked a solitary life. I’ve done everything I could to have a solitary life. My closest neighbor is a mile away. I haven’t talked to them for over four years. If someone decided to drive down my local road at this point I’d be screwed. How do you explain a big ol’ space beast or whatever on your lawn? I sure as heck didn’t know.

The first thing I tried was to touch the horrid critter, give it a little poke, you know? As soon as I did, an echoing scream burst through my mind. That voice in my head shouted in voices I’ve never heard or would ever understand. It really just made things more annoying than they needed to be. Strangely, my hand vibrated with an odd feeling, electrical like, after poking it. I wiped my hand on some dying grass after that and it became green for a hot second and then withered again.

After that I decided that touching the beast wasn’t such a golden idea. My hand didn’t feel much electric anymore, but it felt a bit smoother, more like a man that didn’t work with his hands. I wasn’t much keen to that, so I grabbed a pole to prod the thing instead. With a hesitant jab I shoved the pole into its weird flesh. The pole didn’t change or nothing but was stopped like it was poking stone. Nothing happened.

I wanted to make sure it was dead, so I got my shotgun and put a few slugs into it. Each slug bounced off completely. Still, it didn’t move. The confounded thing was dead alright. Nothing gets shot and don’t make any moves. Plus, it smelled awful terrible and confounding, like an old dead animal and a sweet ripe fruit all at once.

All the odd noises and everything must be like when a critter twitches after you shoot it. I don’t know how the devil an alien works. All I knew is that I wanted to get rid of it and not think nothing of it. I sat there and pondered how to get rid of it, and quick.

First thought I had was to chop at it with an axe. Didn’t work too good. Should have figured from the gun, but you never know. It was like I was hitting a piece of metal. Shook my hands something fierce. Dented a good axe, too.

Next thought I had was to get some fuel and burn the darn thing. Fire usually works in most cases. So, I went to grab a can of gas I had around and poured the whole thing on it. Frankly by this point I was downright ticked off and also nervous about the thing. Isn’t every day you see an alien that slugs or nothing will hurt. I smoked a cigarette to calm the nerves and then lit up a stick I had and threw it at the thing at a safe distance. Wouldn’t you know the fire done turned bright green on the critter, crackling and sparking. The fire went out and the thing was as unmarked as a fresh egg.

It was already starting to get pretty late, so I decided to give it another try tomorrow. I grabbed a big tarp and threw it over it, careful not to touch it. Didn’t want none of those weird screams in my head again. I had a final plan I was certain would work. Well, pretty certain anyway.

I had an old construction plow I had got from a trade way back when. It was busted and old, but I figured I could fix it with a bit of time. Smarts ain’t been my strongest point, but I sure could fix a machine right good. This would be no problem. Now this is where my best idea came to shinin’. There was a decent-sized lake behind my property, it had a darn steep drop on one side.

I was gonna roll the blasted thing right into it, get rid of it for good.

All night I had the oddest dreams come and go. Some about weird places filled with fancy looking floating thingamabobs that shifted and changed and such. Scribblings that looked Chinese or like one of them Arab folks writin’s kept popping up too. Strangest part is that I kinda knew what they meant. Stuff about magic and doors in space and other stuff that frankly I didn’t care about nor want to know. There were also more of those space critters flying around and mucking about. I don’t know.

When my rooster woke me up, I figured it was time to move the beast. Well, after breakfast and a cup of joe, of course. After some eggs and bacon, I went outside to see the beast. I felt tired like I didn’t sleep a minute, so it definitely had to go. Nothing can mess with my good sleep time. It was an awful big relief when I saw that no one was poking around at it. Time to fix the plow right up.

Once I blew the dust off it, I got to checkin’ what needed to be fixed. Some minor problems, that’s all. Thankfully they were things I could fix with my parts at home. It took a major part of the day toiling and sweating to fix, but I did with less than an hour of light left. That was fine, I wanted to move it at night anyway. Joy filled me when it turned over and started right up.

Lake time, you nasty creature.

Removing the tarp, (that I was going to have to burn now, a waste of a perfectly good tarp) I saw that the grass and plants were all growing large and strong around it. There were even some creepy crawlies crawling around on it that looked fierce and were big as your fist, much bigger than usual. I scratched my head and decided that it really, really needed to go. I didn’t want to be cutting my property every night, or to have ‘squitos that needed birdshot to get rid of.

I drove the plow right into it, getting a mighty jolt from the impact. Kinda forgot how hard it was. The plow struggled to shove it but was able to move it inch by inch. Eventually I settled with a combo of lifting it with the front, flopping it slightly and also just plain ramming it with the plow. It took an awful long time to move it all the way to the lake. There was a green, but flat path where there was dead grass before. I had a slight thought to even out the green by rolling it all over, but that wouldn’t be wise, and I was tired.

Once I got it to the side where there was a pretty steep drop off, I prayed and started pushing. The water bubbled a little bit, like it was hot or something. I got it as far as I could into the water without risking the plow, and it started to roll deeper into the water, but stopped. The darn beast wasn’t falling any more. Now I had a wet space thing, and I was mad. If I went any further, the plow would be ruined for good. I had such a bout of temper that I got out, went waist deep into the water, which wasn’t hot for some reason, and stomped on the thing.

That made my foot hurt something awful, but the stupid critter started to roll deeper! The bubbles continued to move further into the lake until it got deep enough that only a few bubbles made it to the top. I hooted and hollered and danced around in the water. Finally, I was free from the blasted thing, and could go back to my normal, quiet life.

Nobody would ever find it there. Guess I was smarter than I thought to think of such a bright idea.  Besides, I reckon the fish and stuff will eat that thing up until it was bones, or whatever it had. I probably gave them a feast fit for a king. I decided that I’ll drink some whiskey to celebrate and sleep in tomorrow.

Life’s good, once again.