As I sat on the opposing hospital bed, I waited enthusiastically for Mother to give her reflection on our previous day’s discussion. I told her she could let go to move on to her next lifetime despite her resistance.

She had said, “I have to stay here to take care of you kids and your father.” I immediately put a hole in that reasoning and reminded her we kids were in our thirties and were quite self-sufficient.

Now the response to all of that was coming.  She said, “I’ve been thinking. I could give everyone a gift in nature, like seeing a beautiful sunset, a sunrise, a rainbow, anything in nature that would raise their spirits.”

I knew she’d gotten it. We said our goodbyes with deep hugs. That was Easter Sunday. On Monday she had her surgery and as she always did want to take care of the doctor and let him know he did a wonderful job. She was being wheeled back to her recovery room and was doing well. It was as if she said I'm out of here and had a heart attack.

We return to the kitchen theme because that is where Mother would find me and she would be wise to appear for her visit to me as to a deer, a gift of nature as she had promised.

She knows she will find me staring out the window of my new house in the woods, in front of the kitchen sink. Several times over the years, I have been washing my dishes and a deer would be standing staring up at me. She has stood still at different distances ten, fifteen, and thirty feet away.

I tell people when you have an inspiring experience in nature, you can thank Mother.

We return to yet another kitchen and pantry in my adult life. At Mother’s behest, a pattern with all of us developed for us to visit her pantry before we hardly said hello to her or each other.

Remember how she nurtured and comforted me with a nice square of cake every day when I returned from my rough day at school? She outdid herself with the goodies in her pantry. She kept her washing machine in there with the top filled with bundt cake, muffins, and sweet rolls.

My pattern for comforting myself changed when I got into therapy.  I learned a fascinating fact related to a  well-known  Fairy Tale. In the story The Princess and the Pea, the princess could feel the pea regardless of how many mattresses she piled on. 

She thought surely this one more mattress added, will protect me from the discomfort of the pea protruding beneath the many mattresses.

My therapist John said the children's story was a strong and suitable metaphor for what happens to cause me to overeat, or eat senselessly. The more emotional pain I’m in,  the more I eat, sugar being my numbing agent.

Learning how to live beyond emotional anguish, I began to detach from those who bullied and maligned me, my father being the primary player. I felt better and found I did not need to insulate myself.

People don't like it when we change our patterns because we are healthier. We are not as predictable or manageable. This especially stood out when I was at my mother's and I did not go into the pantry to get some sweets. 

On the contrary, I asked my mother if she had any nuts I could eat. She directed me to a jar of mixed nuts I enjoyed instead of the bundt cake others were eating.  My aunt, who is my father's sister, saw me eating the jar of nuts, and criticized me for eating too much, as she continued eating forkfuls of bundt cake. She said, “No wonder you’re so fat. Look at you empty that jar.”

That night, I found myself eating just anything around. It was very out of character for me. The next time I was speaking with my therapist I asked him why I ate so much that evening when I hadn’t been interested in the bundt cake.

 Some of you may have figured it out.  It's quite simple. Some might think it is because I regretted not having the bundt cake like everyone else.

That pantry was no longer a nurturing comfort to me. I learned that was a false belief.

On the contrary, he told me I was insulating myself from being around a toxic person. I guess it was a good thing I didn't resort to old habits and angrily barge into the pantry to grab an oversized piece of bundt cake. Fortunately, I was stronger than that. My therapist to whom I am indebted has since passed.

For seven years he used what some people call a pop psychology approach of Transactional Analysis. In that technique, there are emotional postures considered. The best is ‘I am okay you are okay.’  We get along fine, without conflict.

  Problems result when one person believes ‘I am okay, you are not okay.' Or ‘You’re okay, I’m not okay.' This is a welcome emotional scenario for bullying to occur. The worst perspective is ‘I’m not okay and you are not okay.’ 

It may be pop psychology but it saved my life. I can't believe who I have become due to my affirmations to believe in myself and not give other people emotional power over me.

He told me to look at myself in the mirror and say you are okay the way you are. I did have to cover my face so I wouldn't recognize it was me. And I thought well I don't look too bad. He gave me a wonderful list of affirmations for me to give myself permission to be who I am. 

One of the affirmations says I do not have to please others. So when my aunt was criticizing me for eating too many nuts I didn't have to worry about pleasing her. I felt free at the time.