My Worst Fear

My worst fear in life, is disappointing those around me who depend on me.  I couldn’t think of anything worse than having those around me whom I love to feel as if they can’t depend on me.  These are the thoughts that creep into my mind as I sleep at night. These are the, annoyingly, irritating thoughts that comprise my worst nightmares.

I know what you are thinking, I’m one of those people who get pleasure out of being needing.  On the contrary, I cringe at the thought of someone needing my help. Why? I believe that if someone seeks you out specifically to assist them with a problem you should help them. Thus, this creates an enormous amount of pressure on my shoulder. I feel as if they are asking me for help, then they must have the faith in me that I may lack in myself sometimes. Therefore, I feel obligated to go beyond to assist them with their problem.  Otherwise, the person who was once in need of my help will forever look at me as unreliable. And I just cannot have that weight bearing down on my soul.

I have been in situations where I was asked to fix a problem for someone, and I had no clue where to begin. So instead of telling the person I had no clue how to help them, I responded almost immediately with an enthusiastic yes. After doing so the room began to spin and I wondered how I was going to pull this off. I mean I worried myself unnecessarily about something that I could have just as easily responded to with a simple no. My unrelenting need to help others will not allow me to turn someone away who needs my help. So, it does not give me pleasure to have people seek out my help, it gives me nightmares.

I spend so much time wondering if I am going to be able to complete the task I’m asked to do. The thought of letting someone down makes me ill, so I must make sure that I do not do that. This means that I let the task become my main objective and that means that everything else must be put on the back burner until the task is completed. Meanwhile, I am scrambling around like a lunatic trying my best to do the best job that I can to avoid disappointing the person that I am helping.

I know this all sounds like nonsense, but it is true and the fear of disappointing someone is real.  Please don’t misunderstand me, I like to offer a helping hand where needed.  The difference between someone asking for help and me offering my help is quite simple. Personally, I feel that offering my help to someone is just that, I am helping them, assistance if you will. That means that they already have everything under control, and they just need a crutch to lean on and that is where I come in handy. It also means that if something goes awry, they are less likely to be disappointed in me. They have already weighed the odds and they completely understand that it is a 50/50 chance for success or failure. However, someone seeking me out for help means that it is all on me to make things happen. The probability of success and failure is now resting in my hands.  Therefore, I must make the right decision that will result in the best-desired outcome for the person I am helping. Only an insane person would take on that responsibility knowing that the chance for failure is just as great as the chance for success. However, I put myself through the ringer every time that someone seeks me out for help.

It is better to put a smile on someone’s face instead of a frown or an evil scowl. That is the very reason that I try my best not to disappoint someone and I work tirelessly to make sure that person gets what they need from me. Therefore, my worst fear in life is disappointing someone because I hate to see people sad or feeling blue and if they are I never want it to be because of something I did or lack thereof.