His Silence - Chapter 39

It’s seven p.m. I stare at myself in the mirror wearing Mum’s dress. It’s not the sort of dress I would ever choose to wear; I much prefer to keep things casual, I hate the thought of people looking at me if I wear something fancy. I twirl around in it once. Wearing her dress feels the same way how I felt when Oliver passed me her diary. It feels like I can reach out to the past and hug her. It’s like she’s with me here in this moment. What would Emma and Michael say if they could see me like this now?  

There’s a knock on my door, which makes me jump.

‘Danielle, its Oliver.’

I hold back a sigh. I would’ve preferred it to have been Callum. ‘OK, just a sec.’

I head over to my door and open it. I’m surprised to see Oliver standing there wearing a tuxedo. He beams at me.

‘Wow, you look stunning,’ he says, my stomach flutters. ‘You look just like your mother. It’s incredible.’ He keeps his eyes fixed on me, they turn watery, like he’s about to start crying.

My cheeks tingle. ‘Thanks.’

He coughs, as if to compose himself. ‘I knew it was the right decision to give you the dress, everyone’s going to be amazed. Would you like me to escort you to dinner?’

‘Um, OK, sure.’

How can I refuse his offer really? I look around the room to make sure everything’s as it should be and link arms with Oliver. He leads me out through the hallway and into the garden, letting me out through the door first, like a proper gentleman, Emma would say. A breeze whips through my hair; the blue sky is beginning to turn indigo. A waft of herbs, including garlic, hits me in the face as we approach the house. At least, whatever it is they’re cooking, smells alright, so far all the food I’ve had here has been remarkably good.

‘We’re having a bit of a celebration tonight to welcome you and Callum,’ Oliver explains, still clutching onto my arm tight, almost as though he’s afraid I might pull away and make a run for it. I push the thought to the back of my mind. ‘It’s not every night we get to celebrate the arrival of two new members, so we’re having a feast. Eve was the last person who we had a celebration for and that was a couple of years ago now. You and Callum are the guests of honour.’

‘Oh, great,’ I say, then I kick myself, my words sounded harsh, I should’ve said it in a more grateful way. Even now I can feel my Emma’s eyes burning into the back of my neck, like she used to do when I didn’t show enough appreciation for something someone had done for me.

We breeze into the kitchen. There’s no one standing around waiting to take stuff into the dining room. My eyes fall on all the pots and pans ready to be washed up, sitting in the sink.

As we near the living room door, excited murmurings of everyone else chatting inside reaches my ears. Oliver eases the door open. Everyone falls silent and flicks their gaze in our direction. I feel everyone’s gaze on us as we make our way to towards the head of the table. God, everyone’s going to be talking about me. I flick my gaze to the wild flowers decorating the table cloth. Callum’s sitting at the head of the table; at least I’m not going to be on my own with Jeremiah and Oliver, like I was the first night. It looks like they’ve picked out something for Callum to wear as well; his crisp white shirt is untucked at the waist and he’s wearing a dark, stripy jacket. The clothes suit him.

‘Looks like they’re really pulling all the stops out for us tonight, check out the wine, I thought Oliver said they didn’t have alcohol on the premises,’ he says to me, keeping his voice low, as I join him at the table. I eye the bottles of wine on the table. ‘Mary insisted I wear this thing. You feeling better?’

I nod. ‘Yeah a bit, think I’ll be having an early night though, my head’s still pounding.’

Oliver’s smiling as he pulls out his chair from under the table next to me. Everyone else remains standing.

‘Thank you everyone. Tonight we’re celebrating the arrival of Danielle and Callum, but it is even more special to be welcoming Danielle back into our fold this evening. I’d like you to all raise your glasses please.’ My cheeks burn, like how I felt the other week when everyone sang happy birthday to me. Callum clutches my hand and I glance at him out of the corner of my eye. There’s a hint of a smile on his lips. He’ll be resisting the urge not to laugh. ‘To Danielle and Callum.’

‘To Danielle and Callum,’ everyone replies.

‘Well, on this, rare occasion, I have made the exception that tonight, as it is a special celebration, that we can all have a glass of wine. I would urge everyone not to go mad though, some of us haven’t touched a drop for more than a decade.’ There’s a murmur of laughter. Actually I could use a drink now. I eye the bottle of white in front of me, it’s a Sauvignon Blanc, Emma’s favourite. ‘So, all I can say to everyone now is please tuck in and enjoy the evening.’

Everyone gives a round of applause, Callum and I both tentatively join in. 

‘Wine?’ Callum asks, picking up the bottle of white, once the clapping dies down. I’m glad when it does.

I nod enthusiastically. ‘Please,’ I say sitting in my seat. I pull my chair closer to the table.

‘How did you find your first day, Danielle?’ Jeremiah asks me, plunging his fork into a vegetarian sausage. ‘I heard there was a bit of a situation earlier out in the annexe, Oliver was quite concerned.’

‘Oh, it was just a mild panic attack,’ I say, taking a gulp of my wine once Callum’s finished pouring. It doesn’t look like either Oliver, or Jeremiah, are going to drink, despite everyone else helping themselves to alcohol. Even Mary’s having a glass. ‘But I’m feeling much better now.’

‘That is a real shame that happened. I can vouch for Oliver that these exercises will really help steer you onto the path to enlightenment,’ Jeremiah says. ‘They’ll make you realise things about yourself that you never thought possible before, and help you see the world in a new light.’

‘Sounds like I’ll have to have a go at this exercise thingy,’ Callum says, taking a sip of his drink. I bite my lip, feeling the laughter building inside me.

‘Oh, all in good time, Callum,’ Oliver says. ‘Like I said, everyone here masters these exercises and look at how happy everyone is. They’re so important to our daily lives here.’

My eyes drift down the table. It’s true everyone looks like they’re loving life. My eyes find a man sitting right at the other end, looking into his plate of food and I’m hit by a jolt of realisation. I remember him from my first night here, when Mary was showing me to my room. He’d looked at me with such pity in his eyes, but hadn’t said anything; it almost felt like he was trying to give me a warning. Then he’d disappeared into his room without even saying hello.

Apart from everyone else he’s the only person not chatting. I will him to look at me, but he continues to stare into his plate of food, everyone else continues to ignore him, like he isn’t even there.

‘Check out the guy at the end of the table,’ I whisper to Callum.

‘Err, OK, what about him?’ he asks.

‘It’s like he’s invisible to everyone else,’ I say.

Callum shrugs. ‘Perhaps he’s not very talkative,’ he suggests.

‘Maybe,’ I say. ‘There’s just an odd feeling I’ve got about him.’

The man picks up his water and takes a sip. His eyes keep flickering over to the living room door, it’s like he can’t wait to get out of here. I return to my meal.