As a kid, I couldn't help myself...I was addicted to reading spooky stories, watching scary movies, and TV shows.. If it was bone chilling, I loved it. My parents tried to limit this kind of entertainment, but lucky me, I had friends whose house rules weren't so strict. It was thrilling to be frightened out of my skin and then relax, knowing I was safe. That is, until nightfall. When the sun went down, all those horrible situations I'd seen or read during the day came tumbling down on my head like a terrorizing waterfall. Why, oh, why, did I put that movie back into the player again?  Why did I just have to look at the book with the vampire pictures? Do aliens really exist? What if my parents take me camping and the guy in the next space is a psycho?

Night after horrible night, I bravely trudged the long hall to meet my fate at bed time. Trying to stay awake as long as possible, so I could roll under the bed at the first sound of an intruder, I knew it was my job to be the vigilant sentry, born as I was to such naive and trusting parents.

One night I forgot to ask my dad to put new batteries in my flashlight. The light was so dim under my covers, I might as well not even have it. When I just couldn't take anymore, I quietly crept down the hall to the living room.  There, my mom and dad were watching an "after family hour" show, laughing and having an awesome time. My poor, sweet parents, how I loved them. Little do they know that disaster could strike at any moment. It almost made me cry to know that I was just a kid and probably wouldn't be able to save them or myself from the evil lurking in the shadows.

As I slithered my way across the carpet, I found a safe spot under the big coffee table where I could watch them undetected. I liked spying on my parents when they didn't know they were being watched. They were so romantic without being mushy, just holding hands, laughing and hugging.

Then my dad dropped a bomb that made me gasp out loud, and I was afraid my parents might hear me. "Hey Hon, did you see that commercial the other day about Monster Spray?"

Flirting like she does, and winking, she leaned into my dad and said "Yes, I did, and I thought we should consider getting some. Our girl is so smart about criminals and gremlins, that I think she would agree a spray that can magically repel them is a good idea."

D-did she just use the two most irresistible words in my vocabulary, "magically" and "scary"?  The wheels are turning, turning, in my brain. Gotta get it! Gotta have it! Just while I was figuring how to encourage this line of conversation without giving myself away, my dad dropped another bomb. "I'm glad you see it my way. I called about it, and by ordering within the proper time frame, I was able to get a second can of Monster Spray for the same low price, plus shipping and handling. It should arrive any day now."

This is unbelievable. A spray to get rid of the monsters hiding in my closet, under my bed, down the hall, and outside my window? This was life changing! I might actually  be able to sleep at night. And my loving, adorable parents would be safe, too. This was when my mom dropped the biggest bomb of all. SO BIG, IT WAS NUCLEAR!   "I already bought some. I thought I would spray it throughout the house tonight after we lock up."

Was I glad I sneaked out of bed for this. You gotta love this woman's brilliance. Just how much of a genius she was, I learned at a later date. "Yikes," I thought, "I better get back in bed before they catch me."

I barely got under the covers, my flashlight dimly shining, before Mom opened the door. I pretended that I was just waking up when she told me she had a surprise for me. She showed me a can with a wonderful skull and crossbones label on it and "MONSTER SPRAY" printed in large letters.

"I'm going to spray this under your bed and in your closet," Mom said. "It will keep all monsters away. It's guaranteed, or my money back." She sets the can on the top shelf of my bookcase.

This was all the evidence I needed. For years I got the best sleep I'd had since I was a baby.

                                                                                            ***

I really don't remember when she stopped spraying, or when the can disappeared off the shelf, but last week we were having a garage sale, and I found the can on one of the tables. As I picked it up, I said, "Hey, Mom you still have some of this stuff?"

When she glanced up, her face turned a little pink.  "Well, she answered, "It's not something we need anymore."

I sprayed it and said, "Ooh, I remember that smell. It still makes me feel safe."

Several people looked up and one nice old lady said, "I've always loved the scent of lavender too, but I never thought about it making me feel safe."

"What is lavender? This is Monster Spray. It magically repels monsters. You spray it under beds and in closets. It's guaranteed or your money back," I proudly quoted. It is then that I noticed the label was loose, and as it began to drop I see another label underneath that read "Lavender Scented Room Freshener."

Oops! It doesn't take a rocket scientist to see that I had just made a major blunder. The adult snickers aren't exactly cruel, but at this moment I feel about three inches tall. I try to walk away proudly, neither running nor crying. But I know I am the source of their amusement.

Awhile later, my mother finds me in my room, listening to my favorite music and hugging my pillow. Wrapping her arms around me, she begins, "'I'm so sorry about what just happened to you, Sweetheart. I guess I didn't look through our things closely enough to pull that out. You tried to be so brave when you were younger, but we knew you were afraid at night. I'm the one who made that label and glued it on the can. I wasn't trying to trick you, you know? Just help you to feel safe. Can you forgive me?"

I want to stay mad. I want to pout and make her ashamed for causing me to suffer the embarrassment of being the butt of a joke. But how do you stay mad at someone who hurts with you, and loves you so?

Second to terror, I relish comedy, and have found that sometimes it helps me out of the scrapes I find myself in. "So, how much do you think we can get for it?" I query. "That blue haired old lady seems to like it."

My mom smiles that funny smile of hers and says, "Old Blue gave me a
ten dollar bill. She said you had her at "Guaranteed or your money back!"