| Biographical Non-Fiction posted October 26, 2014 |
  |
This is where I lost childhood memories
Army, Pregnancy and Adoption
by patcelaw
Army, Pregnancy and Adoption
At the end of that year 1956, my older brother was moving from Fulton to his new naval base in Beeville, Texas. I helped his wife take their children as they moved from Missouri to Texas. I stayed in Texas for 6 weeks, then returned to my hometown. This is where the story ended in chapter 4.
Being without a job and at loose ends I joined the Women's Army. I was sent to Fort McClellan in Anniston Alabama.
I liked army life, was a good soldier and liked having structure and rules to follow and being accountable for my actions.
As a teenager I had so longed to have my parents hold me accountable. They did not and as long as I did the work of keeping our home I was pretty much left to do as I pleased, though my mother knew of my behavior. Yet not once did she sit me down and talk to me about my actions. My dad was no where to be seen at this troubled time in my life.
Dad even refused to pay the child support the court had ordered. To me this meant they didn't love me.
Then God allowed another thorn to be removed from my box.
Eight weeks into basic I went on a double date.
My date put a date rape drug in my drink. I passed out and have no memory of the rest of the evening.
Two weeks later while standing in line for inspection I passed out. I was taken to the base infirmary. The doctor examined me and said, "Private, because of your symptoms, I would say you are pregnant."
I replied, "I can't be pregnant because I have not done anything to become pregnant."
He then said, still we need to do a test to see if you are pregnant."
It was determined that I was pregnant. Apparently the date had raped me. To this day and I am now 76 years of age I have no memory of the date after I drank the drink. I do not remember where we went, what we did or how I got back to the barracks.
After being discharged from the Army, I returned home.
There another thorn was pulled from my box.
My mother said to me," You will have an abortion."
I did not know what that word meant and when told, I said,
"I will not have an abortion." I saw that as being murder and I was not going to answer for murder.
Making the decision not to abort brought with it another thorn. I was asleep on the bed one afternoon. When I awoke my mother was holding a gun within 1 inch of my face square between my eyes, I pushed the gun aside. As I pushed the gun aside I said to my mother, "What do you think you are doing?"
She said, "I am trying to frighten you so much you will miscarry the child."
At that point I determined I would leave my mother's home. Mother said, "Where will you go, who will have you?"
I said, "Juanita, my oldest sister will help me."
Mom said, "She doesn't want your shame."
However within days I went to live with my oldest sister, Juanita. Shortly after I arrive at her home, my sister Mary came to me and said, "Patricia, hold out you hand."
When I held out my hand she dropped about 20 pills into my hand and said, "Mom says you are to take these all at once."
I walked into the bathroom and standing over the toilet I dropped the pills into the toilet and flushed them away as I said, "I may be dumb, but I am not stupid."
Later I found out the pills were medicine that was given to heart patients, and had I taken them as instructed, according to doctors , I would have had a massive heart attack.
Finally arrangements were made for me to go to the Salvation
Army Home for Unwed Mothers in St Louis, Missouri, where I was
to spend the remainder of my pregnancy.
In the home I was to experience for the first time in my life,
unconditional love. Love from the workers there, who
loved all of us, and never condemned any of the 9 girls in
their care.
Here God planted some roses in my garden.
While in the home, the home had its own laundry. I worked in the laundry to pay for my care. There were large washing machines and ironers that had large heated rollers, in which large bed sheets were run through to iron. Another girl and I would work as a team placing the sheets in the rollers, then we would move to the other side of the machine and carefully take the sheets out and fold them. The work was hard and tiring, plus the heat in the laundy was intense. Being it was winter, it was not too bad. I am sure those who worked the laundry in the summer may have suffered from the heat. Working in the laundry helped to pass the time, and the work was good for my health.
There was a Bible study held at the time in the book of Acts for those who
cared to join the study.
I took part in the study. There I saw how God had saved Paul,
even though he had been such an awful sinner, so I began
to think there might be hope for me as a sinner. Still today I love to study
the epistles of Paul. The writings of Paul give me courage in times of testing
and trials. I can identify with the perils Paul went through.
In the study God was planting a whole garden of roses in my garden.
I learned so much about God's love for me and knew I needed Him but I was
still having trouble understanding how God could love me. I at that time saw
God as a mean God, just waiting for me to do wrong so He could bring me down.
I did not yet understand God is a God of love and He doesn't want anyone to perish.
I had been a terrible sinner, or at least I felt I had been. So I did not yet accept Jesus as my Savior.
My son was born on January 11, 1958 in the early morning hours. He was a big baby, weighing in at 9 pounds 2 ounces and was 23 inches long. I could not hold him because I knew I would have to give him up for adoption, for his sake and for mine as well.
Adoption
I went through the labor,
But never held him in my arms,
As I gave him for adoption,
So others saw his childhood charms.
But it has always been my prayer,
That all these years he did know,
It was because I loved him,
That I had to let him go.
He has a special mother,
To care for him I'm sure,
And the love she has for him,
Is one that will endure.
Though I never held him,
Or saw his boyish smile,
I have always loved him,
And hope to see him in a while.
In a while in Heaven,
Just through the pearly gates,
When we are together,
Where our loving Savior waits.
© Patricia Lawrence
Giving up this son for adoption was and still is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life.
Two weeks later I went back home and I was never allowed
to talk about what I had been through. Although I was told by
my mom, "now you will never find a decent man to marry
you."
It was a hot day in August 1958 and I had just lost my job at the
hospital where I had been working, when my mother said, " Your
sister and I are going to California. If you would like to go along you
can, but you will have to buy your own bus ticket" This seemed like a
dream come true for me. It was a good time for me to travel and be
able to get away from the town where I lived in Missouri. So closing my
bank account of less that $200, I took the money to buy a bus ticket for
my trip to California with my mom and sister.
On August 12 the bus departed the station. We would be on the bus
for almost 48 hours. We would watch out the windows of the bus and
marvel at the scenery as the miles flew by. We went through the flat lands of
Kansas, and to the majestic mountains in Colorado. We went through the
desert of New Mexico and Arizona.
Finally arriving in Los Angeles on August 14. We were met by my uncle Cecil
and taken to his home where he lived with his wife, Thelma and two very
disabled adult children, Charles and Mary. It was then I decided I was going to
relocate to Duarte, California.
Two days after arriving in California I met the man of my dreams.
The incident with my mom holding the gun on me is where I lost most of
my childhood memories.
The next story is the story of the love of the man of my dreams and who would
become the Wind Beneath my Wings.
******************************************************************************
This following poem pretty well explains where my life was before I came to know Jesus as my Savior
as I felt as though I was lost at sea and needed to be saved from the storms going on in my life.
I Long To See His Face
I was adrift on the sea of life,
My vessel was without power,
And I was feeling so much strife
As the waves were huge and fierce.
I had not prepared and had no lifevest,
In my weak vessel to keep me afloat
Or know the One who knows me best,
Jesus Christ the Savior who died for all.
Then appeared on the distant shore
A light shown brightly to guide me to safety,
It was there to give me hope forevermore,
So that day I reached for His hand.
He took my hand and saved me by grace,
I long to be with Him and see His face.
-Patricia Lawrence
Army, Pregnancy and Adoption
At the end of that year 1956, my older brother was moving from Fulton to his new naval base in Beeville, Texas. I helped his wife take their children as they moved from Missouri to Texas. I stayed in Texas for 6 weeks, then returned to my hometown. This is where the story ended in chapter 4.
Being without a job and at loose ends I joined the Women's Army. I was sent to Fort McClellan in Anniston Alabama.
I liked army life, was a good soldier and liked having structure and rules to follow and being accountable for my actions.
As a teenager I had so longed to have my parents hold me accountable. They did not and as long as I did the work of keeping our home I was pretty much left to do as I pleased, though my mother knew of my behavior. Yet not once did she sit me down and talk to me about my actions. My dad was no where to be seen at this troubled time in my life.
Dad even refused to pay the child support the court had ordered. To me this meant they didn't love me.
Then God allowed another thorn to be removed from my box.
Eight weeks into basic I went on a double date.
My date put a date rape drug in my drink. I passed out and have no memory of the rest of the evening.
Two weeks later while standing in line for inspection I passed out. I was taken to the base infirmary. The doctor examined me and said, "Private, because of your symptoms, I would say you are pregnant."
I replied, "I can't be pregnant because I have not done anything to become pregnant."
He then said, still we need to do a test to see if you are pregnant."
It was determined that I was pregnant. Apparently the date had raped me. To this day and I am now 76 years of age I have no memory of the date after I drank the drink. I do not remember where we went, what we did or how I got back to the barracks.
After being discharged from the Army, I returned home.
There another thorn was pulled from my box.
My mother said to me," You will have an abortion."
I did not know what that word meant and when told, I said,
"I will not have an abortion." I saw that as being murder and I was not going to answer for murder.
Making the decision not to abort brought with it another thorn. I was asleep on the bed one afternoon. When I awoke my mother was holding a gun within 1 inch of my face square between my eyes, I pushed the gun aside. As I pushed the gun aside I said to my mother, "What do you think you are doing?"
She said, "I am trying to frighten you so much you will miscarry the child."
At that point I determined I would leave my mother's home. Mother said, "Where will you go, who will have you?"
I said, "Juanita, my oldest sister will help me."
Mom said, "She doesn't want your shame."
However within days I went to live with my oldest sister, Juanita. Shortly after I arrive at her home, my sister Mary came to me and said, "Patricia, hold out you hand."
When I held out my hand she dropped about 20 pills into my hand and said, "Mom says you are to take these all at once."
I walked into the bathroom and standing over the toilet I dropped the pills into the toilet and flushed them away as I said, "I may be dumb, but I am not stupid."
Later I found out the pills were medicine that was given to heart patients, and had I taken them as instructed, according to doctors , I would have had a massive heart attack.
Finally arrangements were made for me to go to the Salvation
Army Home for Unwed Mothers in St Louis, Missouri, where I was
to spend the remainder of my pregnancy.
In the home I was to experience for the first time in my life,
unconditional love. Love from the workers there, who
loved all of us, and never condemned any of the 9 girls in
their care.
Here God planted some roses in my garden.
While in the home, the home had its own laundry. I worked in the laundry to pay for my care. There were large washing machines and ironers that had large heated rollers, in which large bed sheets were run through to iron. Another girl and I would work as a team placing the sheets in the rollers, then we would move to the other side of the machine and carefully take the sheets out and fold them. The work was hard and tiring, plus the heat in the laundy was intense. Being it was winter, it was not too bad. I am sure those who worked the laundry in the summer may have suffered from the heat. Working in the laundry helped to pass the time, and the work was good for my health.
There was a Bible study held at the time in the book of Acts for those who
cared to join the study.
I took part in the study. There I saw how God had saved Paul,
even though he had been such an awful sinner, so I began
to think there might be hope for me as a sinner. Still today I love to study
the epistles of Paul. The writings of Paul give me courage in times of testing
and trials. I can identify with the perils Paul went through.
In the study God was planting a whole garden of roses in my garden.
I learned so much about God's love for me and knew I needed Him but I was
still having trouble understanding how God could love me. I at that time saw
God as a mean God, just waiting for me to do wrong so He could bring me down.
I did not yet understand God is a God of love and He doesn't want anyone to perish.
I had been a terrible sinner, or at least I felt I had been. So I did not yet accept Jesus as my Savior.
My son was born on January 11, 1958 in the early morning hours. He was a big baby, weighing in at 9 pounds 2 ounces and was 23 inches long. I could not hold him because I knew I would have to give him up for adoption, for his sake and for mine as well.
Adoption
I went through the labor,
But never held him in my arms,
As I gave him for adoption,
So others saw his childhood charms.
But it has always been my prayer,
That all these years he did know,
It was because I loved him,
That I had to let him go.
He has a special mother,
To care for him I'm sure,
And the love she has for him,
Is one that will endure.
Though I never held him,
Or saw his boyish smile,
I have always loved him,
And hope to see him in a while.
In a while in Heaven,
Just through the pearly gates,
When we are together,
Where our loving Savior waits.
© Patricia Lawrence
Giving up this son for adoption was and still is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life.
Two weeks later I went back home and I was never allowed
to talk about what I had been through. Although I was told by
my mom, "now you will never find a decent man to marry
you."
It was a hot day in August 1958 and I had just lost my job at the
hospital where I had been working, when my mother said, " Your
sister and I are going to California. If you would like to go along you
can, but you will have to buy your own bus ticket" This seemed like a
dream come true for me. It was a good time for me to travel and be
able to get away from the town where I lived in Missouri. So closing my
bank account of less that $200, I took the money to buy a bus ticket for
my trip to California with my mom and sister.
On August 12 the bus departed the station. We would be on the bus
for almost 48 hours. We would watch out the windows of the bus and
marvel at the scenery as the miles flew by. We went through the flat lands of
Kansas, and to the majestic mountains in Colorado. We went through the
desert of New Mexico and Arizona.
Finally arriving in Los Angeles on August 14. We were met by my uncle Cecil
and taken to his home where he lived with his wife, Thelma and two very
disabled adult children, Charles and Mary. It was then I decided I was going to
relocate to Duarte, California.
Two days after arriving in California I met the man of my dreams.
The incident with my mom holding the gun on me is where I lost most of
my childhood memories.
The next story is the story of the love of the man of my dreams and who would
become the Wind Beneath my Wings.
******************************************************************************
This following poem pretty well explains where my life was before I came to know Jesus as my Savior
as I felt as though I was lost at sea and needed to be saved from the storms going on in my life.
I Long To See His Face
I was adrift on the sea of life,
My vessel was without power,
And I was feeling so much strife
As the waves were huge and fierce.
I had not prepared and had no lifevest,
In my weak vessel to keep me afloat
Or know the One who knows me best,
Jesus Christ the Savior who died for all.
Then appeared on the distant shore
A light shown brightly to guide me to safety,
It was there to give me hope forevermore,
So that day I reached for His hand.
He took my hand and saved me by grace,
I long to be with Him and see His face.
-Patricia Lawrence
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