Advice For My Sons

When looking for a wife check to see if she has had martial arts training.
If she has, things could turn ugly during a squabble.

While you're at it, ask if she has a concealed weapons permit.

And forget that story about looking at her mother.
Look at her father. See how much money he has.

Also, and this goes doubly, don't look at her sister. Trust me.

When choosing a profession, don't ask for a raise too soon. Wait until lunch break.

Don't over insure yourself. It just creates unnecessary temptation.

If planning a family, see a psychiatrist.

When choosing a family car, a Corvette is always a good choice, preferably red.

When buying your first house, make sure it's one you won't mind losing in a divorce.

Check out the guest bedroom. You'll be spending a lot of time in it.

Make sure it has good soundproofing. You don't want to scare the neighbors.

Make sure it's close to an emergency clinic, just in case things get out of hand.

If your wife can't cook, for God's sake don't tell her. Remember the spare room and the emergency clinic.

Always maintain a sense of humor. You're going to be the butt of a lot of jokes.

When you reach retirement age. Don't move to Florida. That's where people go to die. The average age of my community is dead.

When choosing a burial plot, keep in mind that your wife is going to have you cremated and use your ashes for weed killer.

Remember boys are better than girls. Girls are more conniving.

Most of all, don't have children.