Merry Christmas Hacks

Christmas is at our throats again. Time for revealing my gifts for all my FanStory friends.

RicMyworld: I watch your show, Expedition Unknown, every week and am always disappointed that you never find anything. I'm sending you a map to the ground. Even you should be able to find this. Because you've been extra good I'm also giving you some clues to help you solve the mystery that has eluded you for years, Who let the dogs out?

Dean Kuch: I've found a publisher who will compile all of your delightful poems into a children's bedtime storybook.

Gert Sherwood: It's obvious from your writing that you ran out of the Xanax I sent you last year. Good news, this year I'm upping your dosage. Help is on the way.

Unspoken94: I'm sending you an unspeakable gift of which we shall not speak again. By the way, It's not necessary to add your age to your screen name.

Barbra Wilkey: I got you a History of American Presidents so you can read about your famous ancestor, Millard Fillmore.

Boo Ghost: What do you get the man who has nothing?

lyenochka: Your gift is a Polish English dictionary so you can work on your grammar. By the way, your grammar isn't your father's mother.

MelB: I've signed you up for dance lessons so you'll be ready for your next appearance on Dancing with the Stars.

F. Wehr3: I know it's not much, but I'm promoting you to F. Wehr4.

Kiwigirl: Two dozen roses for all of the love poems she writes about me, and a big thank you for not using my name in them. Carol monitors what I read.

Alex Biasin: A box of Wheaties so he can become a real champion like Bruce Jenner.

Aryr: An eye patch to go with that pirate name, Aryr.

Barkingdog. I got you a big box of dog biscuits in the hope that you will quiet down.

RGstar: I'm sending you some helium so you'll sound like the rest of us.

Jay Squires: Bend the knee. I'm promoting you to Knighthood. You'll be glad to know that you are acquainted with the Duke you'll be serving he's your former boot polisher, he married well.

Sankey: A life raft, so you won't sankey.

Dan Diego: I'm sending you a new Zorro mask so you can continue standing up for the underdog.

 BeasPeas: Will be pleased to find a smoked ham hock in her stocking. Now, she can make split pea soup. Yummy.

Chickenlips: You're getting a beak this year. No more dirty nose for you.

 Tier V. King: I'm upgrading your name to Tervi Tumbler. I've seen you do sommersaults. The name change is earned.

Badger_29: A guitar tuner so we can recognize what he's playing.

Thomas Bowling: I'll be getting Zika carrying mosquitoes to help reduce the size of my giant ego. 

Carol, my lovely wife: You'll receive your own delete key so you can remove yourself from my stories.

Ulla: You're getting a motorboat. Give those guns a rest.

humpwhistle: I'll be replacing your whistle with a sax. Soon you'll be humpingsax all over town. I know it sounds dirty, but it's really not.

GetaGiraffe, Giftmuncher or whatever: You will receive a Ouija board so you can pick a new name. I think this is what you used the last time.

Robyn Corum: I got you a contract as Ozzie Osborn's opening act so you can resume your musical act. I am also sending a cage full of bats so you can practice biting their heads off.

Mary Wakeford: Your gift is a bottle of suntan lotion. Finally, you'll show up in photographs.

Bill Shott: I giving you a cool rapper name like the other writers on this site. How about Shott Up?

mbroyels2: A Dick Tracy name picker so you can give your characters colorful monikers Instead of Steve or Sue. 

Damommy: I'm sending you Dadaddy so you can make lots of Dababbies.

Mustangpatty 1024: I'm upgrading you to GTOpatty, a much nicer model. By the way, are there really 1023 other people on FanStory who call themselves Mustangpatty?

Pharp: I'm trying to think of a new name to send you. Every time I tell my children what your name is they giggle.

Margret Snowdon: My dear sweet Ms. Snowdon, if I may be so informal. Your exquisite prose elevates my adoration of your skillful scribes. Therefore, I'm forwarding to you a time machine so you can get out of the nineteenth century and join us in the twenty-first.

Sandra du Plessis: I'm sending you a Poor Richards Almanac so you'll get your season's straight. You bundle up in the summer and go to the beach in the winter. Those pictures you sent me of you in a bikini, standing in the snow get me hot and cold at the same time.

Tom Ens: Hi, Tom.

Bucketlist: I'm sending you one of my contest ribbons. You can pretend it's yours.

hvysmker: You will receive two cents so you can double your payout.

Meia (MESAYERS): I'm sending you my heart.

Gypsy Rose Blue: Two extra lines so she can start writing Lanturne.

That's it. I'm out of money, but I don't need money for my last gift.

Phyllis Stewart was naughty last year. She awoke to find a lump of coal in her stocking. She has been semi-good this year, so I've upgraded her gift to nothing.

Don't send me any gifts this year. Last year's gifts have been forwarded to the FBI. Most were detonated by robots. Hahaha nice try.