The makeup artist put her finishing touches on the former soap opera star, as the live cameras were waiting to roll.

"Ten seconds," said the stage producer, pointing to the teleprompter.

"Action!"

"Bee-Ugly-No-More is all the rage. This beauty must-have with a micro-demystifying bee complex, is guaranteed to shave decades off your appearance," said the infomercial hostess.

"Our first caller is Sally from Georgia. Tell us, Sally, how has Bee-Ugly-No-More, transformed you?"

Silence.

"Hello . . . are you there, Sally?"

"I'm here. Yes, I purchased the Bee-Ugly-Some-More . . . ."

"That's, Bee-Ugly-No-More. You're such a comedian! We're sure you'll agree, it's a miracle breakthrough, literally erasing decades of damage from your skin."

"I'm a retired comedian. Anyway, I want my money back. It says right here on the package: 'Bottom of the jar guarantee along with a full refund--no questions asked!'"

"Really? This is just astonishing," said the tanned and toned hostess. "I do have a few questions, and I'm sure our live studio audience will want to know what happened. You are the first person who has reported this, and requested a full refund."

"No kidding," I said.

"No kidding. Now, let me ask you a few questions, and please be honest for the sake of our viewers."

"Certainly."

"How old are you?"

"I just turned 102."

"Okay, okay--so, most likely wanting to look your very best."

"I think that goes without saying."

"Crucial to your application of the Bee-Ugly-No-More, were you applying it according to the specific directions packaged with the jar?"

"Do you mean the pamphlet with the smallest lettering I've ever seen; somewhat resembling hieroglyphics?"

"Yes. I'm glad to hear your pamphlet arrived safely with your cream."

"I don't mean to be rude, but I have some things I need to take care of. It takes me an hour to walk to my mailbox and back. May I have my money back, please. The Bee-Ugly-No-More cream didn't work, and I still look 102."

"Of course. One last question, Sally. And this is not for me, oh no, but for our live studio audience."

"If you insist."

"When you applied the miracle cream, were you thinking happy thoughts while looking due east as you hopped on one foot?"

Click.

"There you have it ladies and gentlemen, another satisfied customer. We cannot begin to express our gratitude to Sally from Georgia, highlighting the importance of the instructional pamphlet for the application of the Bee-Ugly-No-More miracle cream."

A round of rip-roaring applause followed.

"To thank Sally from Georgia, she will be receiving a complementary vial of the Bee-Ugly-No-More, in the microscopic 0.5 ounce travel-size."

More applause ensued as the camera panned the audience, showing rows of smiling attendees for the live show.

"Have a bee-u-ti-full day with Bee-Ugly-No- More," said the youthful infomercial star as she went to fade.