I feel it coming on ...
this crazy feeling
in my brain that
won't go away
fast enough ...
This is a different
type of pain,

I feel myself starting
to shake inside,
I then ...
sense the high winds
of the tornado close by ...

("I know it will
carry me off
yet again," my brain and my thoughts are getting blurry and they're moving beyond my reach.

"To what destination"
I wonder ...
"Where the thoughts
are born ...
and then they lie."

You keep your own thoughts and listen to me, my brain gently but firmly tells me.

"I know it's because
of the fog.
The unclear clouds
of confusion" ...)

Mind over matter
worked for me
earlier in the day ...
I put myself in a
good mood, I do this
every day, only for it
to be jerked away
from me,
viciously ...

("I work so hard
to stay okay ..."
... "why, why, why" ...
"Is this a dream?"
I wondered, scared because my thoughts are bad and I know they are not mine, are they?

... as I ache
inside ...

"Will we survive
this journey I'm on?"
My brain questions me asking my guy silently, because I should know better)

"We'd better ...
You know how I
look up to you,
hang onto your
every word, how I would do anything for you
but, I just don't get
your mood
towards me" ...

"Am I interpreting
it wrong or is it real?"
I've got to know ...

(My mind tries
to scream through
the swirls of confusion ...

" ... Is it real ..."

"No ... remember, those
thoughts lie that are in the winds" ...)

"What happened
to the sweet,
encouraging, uplifting
mood that I'm
used to you having"
I thought to myself,
realizing, just recently, that thoughts
can lie, especially
about him" ...

"Am I not worthy
of being bothered
with because
I don't matter?"

(Silent sarcastic
remarks flood
through my
confused brain" ...

Oh, my heart needs
a clear view
and there is
none here,
in this horrible
and windy tornado
that seems to be rushing all around me ... pulling me in the nothingness!)

But I pull back STRONGLY because I won't allow them (those lying thoughts) to pull me in,

("I can't - I've got to fight this," my mind takes a stand as well! It will not win!
It's all because of those lying impressions")

I feel the heavy nothingness
on me like a blanket.

"I don't matter
enough to bother",
I decided because
I was so frustrated.

"Instead of
lifting me up,
you crushed me,
intentionally, ...
maybe not."
I tell myself
fervently,
So I beg you
inside my head ...

"Please don't
make me cry ..."

"Yet you did anyway!"

("No, he really didn't,
it was because
my thoughts
are jumbled and
crazed ...
He is the same,
he has not changed,
only my crazy
blurred thoughts have ... my brain is really hating on me because I should know this, if not for the tornado whirls!")

The cotton candy clouds are
closing in on me ...

(That's really
on me,
because
of those veiled
thoughts that rest on
those damn clouds
and ... my brain says solomly:
"I remember that those
thoughts do lie.")

(... Nonetheless,
that really hurt me,
inside my heart
if I perceived
it correctly ...
I'd hoped I hadn't,
knowing deep within me somewhere that
certain thoughts
will lie ...)

"You are my
unsung hero
and I need you
in my life.
I need your
encouraging words,
your smile and
your presence
all around me" ...

"am I not worth that
bother" ...

("He has always been on your side, your biggest cheerleader, your loyal friend, lover and partner ... He's shown you countless times how worth it you are, so shut up!"

Those far away screams tell me
that, "Thoughts DO lie ...
when the intense and hated clouds
are around,
and do not to forget it!"
"It will be over soon," my brain tells me calmly. You just listen to me, not to those stupid, evil, crazed thoughts that tell you they are your own thoughts! Just stay strong in your heart and mind, but you know in your gut they are not your thoughts at all!")

I'm locked in
that confusing fog
of white fluff,
not knowing
if I matter or not ...

"I beg God for a touch
of peace to pierce
through the fear inside of me ...
I gathered myself
together the best I could" ...

... "I'm glad those
thoughts lie ...
I can't lose
what I found
in you" ...

"I cherish the fact
that you are
my best friend
and beyond
with all of
my heart,
so please
don't hurt me ...
I can't do
this alone
because I will
fail alone!"
(I secretly and silently
begged him) ...
"Nobody gets
my damaged brain
but you,
and I cannot
see my life
without
you in it" ...

"I need you
with me
and by
my side
in order
to survive
whatever this is,
enveloping me."

In my mind I beg ...
... "Please don't
disappear because
of the fog."
"I would not
hesitate
if the tables
were turned!
I'd stand
by your side
and be
supportive of you ...

... because that's just
what true best friends and beyond
are supposed to do!
Why aren't you?"


... NO ANSWER ...


(... "Those thoughts lie ... he DOES
care" ...

"... Remember the
clouds will leave soon ..." My brain begs me to hold on and to remember that the tornado winds and clouds will leave soon. I will get stronger every time, that much more", my brain thoughtfully pleads for me, "Not to give up!")

"The one thing I need
from you now
is your smile
and you won't give it!
Is the reason
because I want
it so bad?
Is that why
you keep it
from me?
That is mean,
don't you see?" ...

"But you're
not like that ...
- I keep telling myself,
in spite of
the fog,
I know this in my heart ...
It's jumbled up
in my head
because of the
thick mist
and harsh winds
that allow those lying ass thoughts
to creep in."

(I struggled, invariably
maintaining my sanity) ...

"Why did you think
it was okay for you
to be mean
towards me,
especially now ...
Or is that my
distorted
perception ..."

("This is wearing
hard on me ...
keeping the
lying thoughts
at bay ...
embracing my
own thoughts"...)

"Are you just
holding your kind
words back because
my soul needs
to hear them,
on purpose?
That is not like you,
I just don't get it" ...

("Remember those thoughts lie ... Please
don't forget" ...
"he hasn't
changed, you should
know better" ...

... frustrated ...

if not for those damn storm clouds
I WOULD ...
... I would know better!")


"... I know you care,
but you don't
let me see it ..."

I'm viciously crushed
and no one seems to care ...
I think to myself,
"Just walk on me
and step on me,
it doesn't matter ...
I'm gonna hurt anyway!" ...

"Why doesn't
anybody hear me?"

("I just don't get it ...
I'm confused
and I know why
yet, knowing doesn't
stop it from happening.
I'm trying my best to be strong minded through this!"

... "Your making no
sense to me," I tell my man, who is my hero ...
"I'm not used to
you hurting me.
Never before have
you tried ...

"why now?")

... "Damn ...
these thoughts forever lie
and I see them
deeper on the inside
of this jumbled clouded tornado.")

... distorted ...

... hazy ...

...warped ...

"But do you care ...
You can't be
like the rest.
Please let this
be a dream ...
and I wake up
with your handsome
face next to mine."

"Unlike the rest,
you are special!"

... "So please, Baby, don't
be the same
as everyone else in my past has been!"

(The screaming inside
my soul cries out ...
... Don't forget
what I've said ...
about those bad thoughts that lie!")

... exhaustion ...

" ... Just leave me be
so I can cry in peace,
but I don't care."
It hurts in my belly
with hard sharp pains ...
I'm so tired ...
through and through!
You have no clue
as to how much
I need you
in my life ...
I thought you
would always
care,
but you don't ...

At least that
is what I feel
alone inside this
dangerous tornado,
where there are
lying thoughts that ADHD has twisted and I CAN see some of the
thoughts that ARE mine,
I just can't reach them." ...

... Feelings ...
just like the
whirlwinds ...

("Thoughts
will lie ...
don't forget ... don't listen to the thoughts inside the tornado and cloud swirls, my brain tells me, as I strain to hear. I'm trying to hold my real thoughts here and leave the bad thoughts inside the white fluffiness where they will lay dormant, until the thoughts come alive again.
"... OMG thoughts
lie, I almost
forgot ...")

(The unwanted tangled
and distorted thoughts
blur the original ones
that are locked
in my head ...
My brain was trying
to save me
by screaming,
... "Remember
thoughts DO lie ...
don't forget.")

"I'm closing my eyes
stay close to me ...
I don't want to die ...
die inside ... I mean
from a crushed soul.
You don't crush those ...
You lift those up!")

"Goodnight ...
I'm closing my eyes
stay close, please babe!"
"I need you to
forget that I'm in
this cloud of
harrowing winds ...
I won't always be ...
Please stay ...
hold me ...
because I know that
thoughts DO lie ...
I'm holding fast
to the faith that
sustains me for
that to
please be true!"...

... "You are the same
as before ...
I'm so grateful for you" ...

(Good, I was wrong)

(My mind is
clearing somewhat
and those
horrible swirling white whirls
seem to be
fading a little
right now.")

(Tears fall ...
because
you stayed!) ...

... I'M GRATEFUL ...

"Thank you ..."
I mouthed to
my best friend
and partner ...

" ... Thank you ..."
I silently and thankfully spoke
to the Lord,
"For
reminding me
that those wretched
hateful thoughts
were and would be 'forever lying'") ...

My brains says to me: " You've done it and you're stronger than ever! Keep challenging me because as long as you're fighting,
I've got you!")