Out Of Tennessee
...Just a ramblin' boy6 total reviews
Comment from Bill Schott
This retelling of the storyline for "Please Come to Boston" by Dave Loggins gives it a more personal accounting as we all wonder how much of the world we want to see alone.
reply by the author on 12-Dec-2023
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This retelling of the storyline for "Please Come to Boston" by Dave Loggins gives it a more personal accounting as we all wonder how much of the world we want to see alone.
Comment Written 12-Dec-2023
reply by the author on 12-Dec-2023
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Thank you. I hate to seem like I'm rewriting the same story, but I do well with musical cues. I need to learn as lot more about poetry (meter, rhyme) so this was a safe post for me.
Comment from Gloria ....
A most interesting story of a restless youth who finally settled down. It's hard to detect any regular metre here, but my guess is that you are aiming for iambic pentameter with 10 syllables per line.
I hope you don't mind that I have rearranged your wording in the first stanza to iambic pentameter. The first line is a little off, but it works.
The year of nineteen hundred seventy three
as college bored, adventure beckoned me
I left my girl in Knoxville, Tennessee
and rambled off for places feeling free.
A note: it's easier to learn metre with the ballad form with 8/6/8/6 iambic metre and rhymes on every second line. Once you have learned the metre you will never have to count another syllable again. And since this is only a rhyming contest that doesn't require any kind of metre you have indeed met the requirements as is.
So I wish you great luck with the Contest Committee.
Gloria
reply by the author on 12-Dec-2023
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A most interesting story of a restless youth who finally settled down. It's hard to detect any regular metre here, but my guess is that you are aiming for iambic pentameter with 10 syllables per line.
I hope you don't mind that I have rearranged your wording in the first stanza to iambic pentameter. The first line is a little off, but it works.
The year of nineteen hundred seventy three
as college bored, adventure beckoned me
I left my girl in Knoxville, Tennessee
and rambled off for places feeling free.
A note: it's easier to learn metre with the ballad form with 8/6/8/6 iambic metre and rhymes on every second line. Once you have learned the metre you will never have to count another syllable again. And since this is only a rhyming contest that doesn't require any kind of metre you have indeed met the requirements as is.
So I wish you great luck with the Contest Committee.
Gloria
Comment Written 12-Dec-2023
reply by the author on 12-Dec-2023
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I would take your recommendation but I already revised it so all are 10 syllables. I appreciate your help and PLEASE continue to inform me if I need to revise. I need to learn a lot about poetry.
Comment from Daylily
I have lived over fifty places and this posting hit hard. As part of a military family, I moved so much it just felt normal. At my age now, I do regret not having lifelong friends. However, the ones in my life now, for over five years, are absolutely irreplaceable.
Thank you for sharing this, Jim!
reply by the author on 12-Dec-2023
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I have lived over fifty places and this posting hit hard. As part of a military family, I moved so much it just felt normal. At my age now, I do regret not having lifelong friends. However, the ones in my life now, for over five years, are absolutely irreplaceable.
Thank you for sharing this, Jim!
Comment Written 11-Dec-2023
reply by the author on 12-Dec-2023
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I am thankful that I have two good friends from my college days in Connecticut, around the time Homer wrote The Illiad, who came to visit me here in Florida recently.
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Thank you for sharing this contest entry with us. I enjoyed reading. The rhyming scheme is very good and none was forced. I enjoyed the story and am glad you finally made it back to Tennessee. Good luck with the contest.
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Thank you for sharing this contest entry with us. I enjoyed reading. The rhyming scheme is very good and none was forced. I enjoyed the story and am glad you finally made it back to Tennessee. Good luck with the contest.
Comment Written 11-Dec-2023
Comment from Lisasview
Hi there dear Jim,
So, I felt this is is quite good but the meter is off... Almost every line has perfect 10 syllables...except for the ones I copied and pasted for you.
I do not know if you care but I do believe your poem would read so much better with just a bit of tweaking...
I phoned and begged her to please come here 9 syllables
She said, "No way, hon! You need to get in gear!" 11 syllable
Hoping she to my side soon would go 9 syllables
Not enough money for a bike 8 syllables
For example you could say
Not nearly enough money for a bike so that now becomes 10 syllables
These are just my thoughts and I certainly do not want tooffend you in any way so ignore me if you want.
Lisa
MORE INFO JIM
Yes all lines are now 10 syllable counts...
But rereading your poem again I see that it was in past tense except for one line which can easily be corrected.
All the people here are so very hip
Just change HERE ARE to THERE WERE
I think this is the very best poem I have read of yours dear Jim...
Lisa If I had a 6 Star left I would give it to you!!!
reply by the author on 11-Dec-2023
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Hi there dear Jim,
So, I felt this is is quite good but the meter is off... Almost every line has perfect 10 syllables...except for the ones I copied and pasted for you.
I do not know if you care but I do believe your poem would read so much better with just a bit of tweaking...
I phoned and begged her to please come here 9 syllables
She said, "No way, hon! You need to get in gear!" 11 syllable
Hoping she to my side soon would go 9 syllables
Not enough money for a bike 8 syllables
For example you could say
Not nearly enough money for a bike so that now becomes 10 syllables
These are just my thoughts and I certainly do not want tooffend you in any way so ignore me if you want.
Lisa
MORE INFO JIM
Yes all lines are now 10 syllable counts...
But rereading your poem again I see that it was in past tense except for one line which can easily be corrected.
All the people here are so very hip
Just change HERE ARE to THERE WERE
I think this is the very best poem I have read of yours dear Jim...
Lisa If I had a 6 Star left I would give it to you!!!
Comment Written 11-Dec-2023
reply by the author on 11-Dec-2023
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You don't offend me at all. I'm terrible at meter. Jim Wylie coached me a little, but I still messed up. I'm very grateful. I'll edit those lines now!
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I went back and fixed those rhymes. It's odd, Jim Wylie speaks of meter like the beats of a song, and I used to play in bands and orchestras, but still have trouble with meter.
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I am so glad I could help Jim and you were not offended.
All you really need to do is be sure that each line has the same amount of beats
I will go back and read it now. I always enjoy helping with my reviews
Lisa
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You still have 11 syllables on one line
Hoping to my side?..
Also perhaps instead of to you could use by?.
So you need an extra word example
Still hoping by my side??
That could work Jim?
Lisa
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Sorry. I'll get it right one of these days. I'll try again! Thanks!
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I think they all have the same meter now, FINALLY!
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Glad you liked my help with the meter - syllable count. Being a good reviewer is important to me.
I will check again now...
Lisa
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Oh goodness please do not be sorry?
Just want to help if I can?
Lisa
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Thanks to you and others, I'm getting better at meter and rhyme. I'm a short fiction writer mainly, and need to do better at poetry.
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I am so grateful to you!
Comment from Wendyanne
Lol what a lovely, romantic piece of well written poetry in which you eventually got the gal. I enjoyed sharing the trip with you different states and different modes of travel. Well done.
reply by the author on 11-Dec-2023
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Lol what a lovely, romantic piece of well written poetry in which you eventually got the gal. I enjoyed sharing the trip with you different states and different modes of travel. Well done.
Comment Written 11-Dec-2023
reply by the author on 11-Dec-2023
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Thank you! I just went back and fixed three lines to make the meter the same for all lines.
