MADHOUSE
Viewing comments for Chapter 7 "Closing The Gap"A Day at Sea World
17 total reviews
Comment from Sissy
Hi Gayle,
Shame about Big Brown. I wonder if they will find bleeding? I guess we'll find out soon enough. Wonder if he'll race again if he's found to be okay?
Onto the review. Shoot, I got only one little tiny thing to pick on:
although the tape recorder in his pocket would capture (instead of 'would capture', how about 'captured'? The recorder is already on, right?) every word for later perusal
That's it!
Sis
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2008
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Hi Gayle,
Shame about Big Brown. I wonder if they will find bleeding? I guess we'll find out soon enough. Wonder if he'll race again if he's found to be okay?
Onto the review. Shoot, I got only one little tiny thing to pick on:
although the tape recorder in his pocket would capture (instead of 'would capture', how about 'captured'? The recorder is already on, right?) every word for later perusal
That's it!
Sis
Comment Written 07-Jun-2008
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2008
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Hey Sis,
Yeah, a terrible shame and I bet it's bleeding. You guys still don't use lasix out there, huh? Also, you have to admit it was a pretty poor crop of 3y/o's. Still, I feel so sorry for the jock. "I had no horse."
Dear God, we know what THAT feels like, huh? Especially coming into a wide oxer...legs don't fail me now!
And shoot, she says, only one tiny nit! Girl, I bow down before you. I'm slow, but not unteachable.
Seriously, I'm sure you tire of hearing it, but I treasure your reviews. Which, er, begs the question..did your muse bail? I keep looking for a post from you!
But you're in the middle of show season, so I totally understand.
And aren't you clever. You can read right along and not have to wait. Shame it's free. So, I'm going to do something about that right quick.
Hugs,
Gayle
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Hey Gayle,
You know, Big Brown (I almost typed 'Big Ben'!) was given Lasix beforehand. I heard that on ESPN.
As for my muse, I can't find her anywhere. I'm hoping that by reading and reviewing, it'll get me fired up again. I have parts of chapters written, but nothing thrilling me.
As for the $$, don't stress on it. I'll catch up soon enough, and I really have nothing to post anyway!!!!!!!!!!!
Take care,
Sis
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Now I'm hearing that BB had been using steriods and that Dutrow took him off the regimine about two weeks ago.
Ya want my take? That colt only had six races under his belt. He got pinched at the start, dang near ran over the horse in front of him before he hit the /14 pole and..like, Kent's hauling on his mouth, standing up, trying to rate him. Then, he pulled to the outside and bumped the horse to his right and got in trouble again.
I feel he probably thought, wtf, who needs it, and just decided to sulk. If Kent had waited him out a minute, let him settle, I think he could have won. At the end, strange as I thought it was, he didn't want to quit, and really fought like hell for his head, then finally just gave up.
Now, if he'd had 10/15 races under his belt, he'd just have sucked it up, stuck his head out and run.
I mean, just imagine if Sham had had the audacity to stall out in front of Secretariat they way whoever the winner was did in front of BB.
He'da eaten Sham for lunch. Well, he ate Sham for lunch on a regular basis, didn't he? But then, that's the difference. The '73 crop was outstanding, fillies and colts.
This year's crop of colts was poor. Sham was a Triple Crown winner too, except for Secretariat. OK, so he didn't come in 2nd in the Belmont, but without Secretariat pushing him so hard, and then doing the 32 length lead thingy that killed Sham, not any other colt in the race.
There's a huge difference between a great horse and a Superhorse!
::gets down of Superhorse soapbox and goes to the net to watch the big guy do it again...one more time. Yeah U-tube!
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The horses just seem different today, Gayle. And the money's all in the breeding. The horse I won on in the Hampton Classic was by Poker, and was a half-brother to Seattle Slew's mother. He had MONSTER bone for a TB, ran 68 races in five years, and did pretty good - and never was lame a day in his life (and I showed him til he was 25, and he was a field hunter before I got him). Now they are trained too careful, not allowed to be horses, and seem to be almost fragile sometimes. I could be wrong there. But my favorite 'current' horse is Curlin. That horse has got 'it'!
I agree w/ you there about Big Brown getting bounced around. He looked pissed and uncomfortable. But who knows, maybe that, a combination of the lack of steroids, the heat and all the attention he'd gotten all week just snowballed on him.
I'll jump off the soapbox too. :)
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Ah, they are different now, and it's all the breeders fault, but not how the PETA folks think.
The breeders have so damned much money tied up in these horses, starting with a breeding fee, the 18 mos. on the farm just to get a colt that gives you a hint of potential, all the while they're eating their heads off, being shod, ridden and trained. The cost, out the door, leading to the starting gate, are so exhorbitant that the trainers are scared stiff.
{{Just a teehee between us girls. Out here, a regular, no fringes attached shoing job is $100...every six weeks. God forbid you need to be drilled and tapped. Now, my friend, how many $100 dollar pairs of shoes do you buy in that time span.}} I know ::sigh:: I know. How about a massage..oh, dear girl, you need a chiropractor. And the beat goes on.
No wonder they don't dare let these colts and fillies do what makes them winners. To run and play, take their knocks; bump into each other, fall, trip and learn how to be a bully...I'm sayin', man, watch a half a dozen yearling colts in a pasture and you know what they mean by survival of the fittest. Always makes me cry, they're so beautiful.
No one but a fool, a gambler or a horse lover devotes that much time on a long shot...and they're all longshots as babies.
My darling stallion, Hemmy, daddy to Angel, Benny, Megan and Bitsy, was an imposter, I swear. He acted like a giant Shetland pony with people and other horses alike. Breeding him was a dream, he never made a wrong move.
I showed him in flat classes where we'd have to line up, girls and boys together. He never, not once, even chortled. Way back in his beginning, he had a trainer who make that little ruffian tow the line.
Twenty-three years old, and there he was, the toast of the town, thanks to that stern beginning. Can't screw around with a stallion.
Go to my website, Gaylefarmer.com, check the paperback link and he's on the cover of the second book. Makes my mouth water, to this day. He had the bone and the disposition of a warm blood, AND, pinky swear, had Man O' War, Sea Biscuit and Nasrullah in his five-gen.
Whata guy!
Did you get that email? Man, what a trip!
Comment from Stephy Jemmisparks
the narration was very suspensive and i enjoyed the reading through and through, showtimeccase. I like your chracters being so real, that each has his personality that is consistent with his or her actions. brilliant essay.
reply by the author on 30-May-2008
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the narration was very suspensive and i enjoyed the reading through and through, showtimeccase. I like your chracters being so real, that each has his personality that is consistent with his or her actions. brilliant essay.
Comment Written 29-May-2008
reply by the author on 30-May-2008
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Well, Stephy, bless your heart. I just love that you're enjoying this book.
So appreciate your time and dedication,
Gayle
Comment from Rdfrdmom2
I'm fully into your book now. I picked up the hint about Sam having been at Disney World the week before and planning to hit all the theme parks before school opens in the fall. Isn't there a Busch Gardens out there, too? Wow! Send him to the zoo and let me go safari hunting. End of story whenever you want it to be over. ;>0 Little spag issue for you below!
what she like?" >> what she's like?"
reply by the author on 27-May-2008
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I'm fully into your book now. I picked up the hint about Sam having been at Disney World the week before and planning to hit all the theme parks before school opens in the fall. Isn't there a Busch Gardens out there, too? Wow! Send him to the zoo and let me go safari hunting. End of story whenever you want it to be over. ;>0 Little spag issue for you below!
what she like?" >> what she's like?"
Comment Written 26-May-2008
reply by the author on 27-May-2008
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LOL! We're in California, Jan. Sorry I misled you. We have the old Disneyland here but we didn't luck into the Busch Gardens.
Man, I love those Clydes. In fact, if you want to watch Gayle bawl like a baby, play that commercial where the horse gets passed over to pull the wagon, so he and the dalmation dog begin training, all to the tune of Rocky's song, and that horse is doing the piaffe in the pouring rain, pulling the train down the tracks. Man, I'm crying now...really, and the guy congratulates the horse for 'working out' tells him he made the team, and the horse and dog do a high five. Yep, right on the floor. Well, I'm sentimental! What can I say.
Sheesh, I'll get that apostrophe in there. LIttle bugger snuck out!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from TomandOma
sis, I can't believe I got so far behind! I thought it was only a couple of chapters. I had almost 200 reviews ro answer - some from my last posting, I have a sick daughter, and I'm the world's worst typist. I was strongly tempted to do a copy and paste, but didn't do it. Now I have to get busy and see if I can get Evil Eddie to quit changing all apostrophies and quote marks into question marks. Duh!
Chapter six carried the plot forward in fine style and I saw no problems to carp about.
Chapter seven makes me think of Dicky Floyd' and his war in re POV; my carp is the problem with excessive pronouns. Starting with the paragraph beginning, "Molly sat alone in her room," you may want to edit to thin out the pronoun 'her.' It's repeated up to four times in a couple of paragraphs. Here's an example:
Molly sat alone in her room, thinking about Beth. She had to do something, there had to be a way to find her missing friend. Three days and not a word. Her eyes, deep red and swollen from crying, now hurt from the constant friction of her fingers wiping, poking, lids scrunched up and squinting.
Consciously she relaxed her eyes as little white starbursts exploded behind her lids; her lower lip trembled. "I'm going right off the track. I am. I'm losing my frickin' mind."
Tears seemed to be in bountiful supply as they slid down her cheeks with no end in sight. Guilt rode her with a vengeance, her mind racing through the endless terrible possibilities of what could be happening to Beth. Her stomach turned over and she retched.
~~~
Her mother's voice, clear as a bell, came to her. "Yes, she's in her room. Let me get her." [her?]
Molly heard ( -her )footsteps (-on the floor) [+approaching, ] opened the door wider and beckoned[+ . } ( - her inside. )
"Who's here, Mom? Is it the police?"
~~~
How about we take a quick spin over to Ella's and sample some of their best wine; it has a high alcoholic content right?
Tightest of hugs from your sis,
Spike
reply by the author on 25-May-2008
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sis, I can't believe I got so far behind! I thought it was only a couple of chapters. I had almost 200 reviews ro answer - some from my last posting, I have a sick daughter, and I'm the world's worst typist. I was strongly tempted to do a copy and paste, but didn't do it. Now I have to get busy and see if I can get Evil Eddie to quit changing all apostrophies and quote marks into question marks. Duh!
Chapter six carried the plot forward in fine style and I saw no problems to carp about.
Chapter seven makes me think of Dicky Floyd' and his war in re POV; my carp is the problem with excessive pronouns. Starting with the paragraph beginning, "Molly sat alone in her room," you may want to edit to thin out the pronoun 'her.' It's repeated up to four times in a couple of paragraphs. Here's an example:
Molly sat alone in her room, thinking about Beth. She had to do something, there had to be a way to find her missing friend. Three days and not a word. Her eyes, deep red and swollen from crying, now hurt from the constant friction of her fingers wiping, poking, lids scrunched up and squinting.
Consciously she relaxed her eyes as little white starbursts exploded behind her lids; her lower lip trembled. "I'm going right off the track. I am. I'm losing my frickin' mind."
Tears seemed to be in bountiful supply as they slid down her cheeks with no end in sight. Guilt rode her with a vengeance, her mind racing through the endless terrible possibilities of what could be happening to Beth. Her stomach turned over and she retched.
~~~
Her mother's voice, clear as a bell, came to her. "Yes, she's in her room. Let me get her." [her?]
Molly heard ( -her )footsteps (-on the floor) [+approaching, ] opened the door wider and beckoned[+ . } ( - her inside. )
"Who's here, Mom? Is it the police?"
~~~
How about we take a quick spin over to Ella's and sample some of their best wine; it has a high alcoholic content right?
Tightest of hugs from your sis,
Spike
Comment Written 24-May-2008
reply by the author on 25-May-2008
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Hey Sis,
Yes, I'll pick you up in twenty minutes. We'll get to play with the dogs, too.
Okay, I'm going to go over that entire chapter. There was so darned much introspection on Molly's part, all I could think of were all those 'she's' which I promptly turned into too many 'her's'!!
I'll fix it here on the site so you can keep me on the straight and narrow.
Ah, poor Dickie. I know he lost a good deal of hair over me. Oh, remember when he got just a bit more testy than usual, and Freddie took him to task? LOL! 'No reason to get nasty!'
Oh, we do have the best time here. Now, is Shirley sick? Like from before? PM me and we'll talk.
Love,
Annabelle
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You were so right, Spike. I went in there and tightened up some spots, got out the extra pronouns, and I think it reads better! Thanks so much for the help! Gayle
Comment from Paradox Tremors
Finally, a break! Maybe the detectives can rat the little freak out and give him what's coming. A well written, The flow is great and easy to follow.
reply by the author on 25-May-2008
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Finally, a break! Maybe the detectives can rat the little freak out and give him what's coming. A well written, The flow is great and easy to follow.
Comment Written 24-May-2008
reply by the author on 25-May-2008
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LOL, you are giving me some of the best reviews! It's a thrill to hear others enjoy your work so much.
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from bookishfabler
Mostly what I spotted was our little Evil Eddie culprit.
Molly sat alone in her room, thinking about Beth. She had to do something, there had to be a way to find her missing friend. Three days and not a word.
Her eyes, deep red and swollen from crying, now hurt from the constant friction of her fingers wiping, poking, lids scrunched up and squinting. (Skip lines in between. Evil Eddie)
Jim nodded in encouragement. "Relax a moment and think back in your mind. How
about the park? Did he seem to know it, say if he'd been there before? Anything like that?"
(Here too)
hugs
book
reply by the author on 20-May-2008
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Mostly what I spotted was our little Evil Eddie culprit.
Molly sat alone in her room, thinking about Beth. She had to do something, there had to be a way to find her missing friend. Three days and not a word.
Her eyes, deep red and swollen from crying, now hurt from the constant friction of her fingers wiping, poking, lids scrunched up and squinting. (Skip lines in between. Evil Eddie)
Jim nodded in encouragement. "Relax a moment and think back in your mind. How
about the park? Did he seem to know it, say if he'd been there before? Anything like that?"
(Here too)
hugs
book
Comment Written 20-May-2008
reply by the author on 20-May-2008
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That little dickens! I swear, he haunts me and I don't even use him anymore. Thanks for the heads up. I'll get in there and fix!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from ledford
There is some great action and suspense in this chapter:-) Good job!
I have some suggestions:
"Do it {,} or I'll do it for you."
"The shorts and panties tore as well." This is a little awkard. Certainly they did not tear with the first pull that took off her shirt and bra. I recommend adding more description.
"Three days and not a word." I would revise this fragment.
"Three days and not a word.
Her eyes, deep red" ... line spacing messed up
"wiping, poking, lids scrunched up and squinting." This is a bit awkward.
"Do it {,} or I'll do it for you." Two independent clauses joined by a conjunction requires a comma prior to the conjunction (The Chicago Manual of Style pg. 248--section 6.32)
"The shorts and panties tore as well." This is a little awkard. Certainly they did not tear with the first pull that took off her shirt and bra. I recommend adding more description.
"Three days and not a word." I would revise this fragment.
"Three days and not a word.
Her eyes, deep red" ... line spacing messed up
"wiping, poking, lids scrunched up and squinting." This is a bit awkward.
""Do it {,} or I'll do it for you."
"The shorts and panties tore as well." This is a little awkard. Certainly they did not tear with the first pull that took off her shirt and bra. I recommend adding more description.
"Three days and not a word." I would revise this fragment.
"Three days and not a word.
Her eyes, deep red" ... line spacing messed up
"Consciously she relaxed her eyes as little white starbursts" This is awkward. I recommend something like "She focused on relaxing her eyes. Little white..."
"Her stomach turned over {,} and she retched." Two independent clauses.
"You and Beth were best friends {,} so you know her real well, huh?
"We're both cheerleaders {,} and we ride our horses all the time, go to shows"
"If something else, anything at all {,} pops up, be sure"
"Listen, we just talked to Molly Kramer {,} and she told us that"
"and everybody is on the lookout for that clown." The tense if off here. I recommend "department, and then everybody will be on the lookout..."
"ven on a bad day; more like ten." I would use a comma or a em dash here since semis are only meant to join two independent clauses
"What say we get a couple of rooms down" Typo?
Keep up the good work!
reply by the author on 19-May-2008
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There is some great action and suspense in this chapter:-) Good job!
I have some suggestions:
"Do it {,} or I'll do it for you."
"The shorts and panties tore as well." This is a little awkard. Certainly they did not tear with the first pull that took off her shirt and bra. I recommend adding more description.
"Three days and not a word." I would revise this fragment.
"Three days and not a word.
Her eyes, deep red" ... line spacing messed up
"wiping, poking, lids scrunched up and squinting." This is a bit awkward.
"Do it {,} or I'll do it for you." Two independent clauses joined by a conjunction requires a comma prior to the conjunction (The Chicago Manual of Style pg. 248--section 6.32)
"The shorts and panties tore as well." This is a little awkard. Certainly they did not tear with the first pull that took off her shirt and bra. I recommend adding more description.
"Three days and not a word." I would revise this fragment.
"Three days and not a word.
Her eyes, deep red" ... line spacing messed up
"wiping, poking, lids scrunched up and squinting." This is a bit awkward.
""Do it {,} or I'll do it for you."
"The shorts and panties tore as well." This is a little awkard. Certainly they did not tear with the first pull that took off her shirt and bra. I recommend adding more description.
"Three days and not a word." I would revise this fragment.
"Three days and not a word.
Her eyes, deep red" ... line spacing messed up
"Consciously she relaxed her eyes as little white starbursts" This is awkward. I recommend something like "She focused on relaxing her eyes. Little white..."
"Her stomach turned over {,} and she retched." Two independent clauses.
"You and Beth were best friends {,} so you know her real well, huh?
"We're both cheerleaders {,} and we ride our horses all the time, go to shows"
"If something else, anything at all {,} pops up, be sure"
"Listen, we just talked to Molly Kramer {,} and she told us that"
"and everybody is on the lookout for that clown." The tense if off here. I recommend "department, and then everybody will be on the lookout..."
"ven on a bad day; more like ten." I would use a comma or a em dash here since semis are only meant to join two independent clauses
"What say we get a couple of rooms down" Typo?
Keep up the good work!
Comment Written 19-May-2008
reply by the author on 19-May-2008
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Hey Led,
You must get so frustrated taking the time to do reviews like this for me. I'm sorry we have such a divergence of opinion about the dreaded comma! LOL! Please know I'm not shining you, it's just after all the research, I feel comfortable in not using the comma if the sentence is still perfectly understandable. Of course, in the vein of that old joke about "My parents, Ann Rynd and God" well, that's entirely different.
Please don't be mad!
Best,
Gayle
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No problem ... we will just have to agree to disagree:-) I will hopefully remember to blind myself to the commas in my next reviews! If you have told me before, I forgot. Take care!
Comment from Jonez08
Hi there, good chapter, great imagery and dialog. Since this is only my second chapter, I haven't gotten a good feel for Sam's character. I will go back and read the previous chapters. Poor girls...I look forward to reading more
Cassandra
reply by the author on 19-May-2008
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Hi there, good chapter, great imagery and dialog. Since this is only my second chapter, I haven't gotten a good feel for Sam's character. I will go back and read the previous chapters. Poor girls...I look forward to reading more
Cassandra
Comment Written 19-May-2008
reply by the author on 19-May-2008
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Hey Cass,
I have a tendancy to want to rush through things, which means not only do I have to go back and do major inserts, most of the time the FS reader doesn't get to see them. The next chapter or two will flesh out the remaining characters and then we go into overdrive again!
Thanks for the grand R&R,
Gayle
Comment from Norbanus
Very intense and nice plotting.
Here are a few ideas:
The door burst inward and slammed into the wall. He stepped inside and turned the key, locking them in. He tucked the key into his pocket and approached Beth. (Be careful about the use of too many sentences starting with 'He'.)
She backed away from him(cut ?from him?), shaking her head from side to side(cut ?from side to side?). "No."
---------
Beth heard him lock the door and cried in relief. She stumbled to the bed and collapsed. A moment later a TV screen, inset into the wall, came on. She stared at the monitor, fascinated, as the movie started. (She stumbled/She stared) A couple performed a variety of sexual acts upon each other. (delete ?upon each other?)
Beth blinked then glanced away, dragging a shaking hand through her hair. Porn wasn't exactly(cut ?exactly?) new to her. She'd seen pictures and magazines but this was the first movie she'd ever seen. (repeated words-- she?d seen/she?d ever seen?Consider:
Beth blinked then glanced away, dragging a shaking hand through her hair. Porn wasn't new to her. Her friends had shown her pictures and magazines but this was the first movie like that she'd ever seen.)
-------
It went on for hours, one movie after another, the violence escalating. She knew what he was doing and turned away from the screen, refusing to watch. There was no getting away from the words, the sounds; Beth began to cry.
(cut, 'refusing to watch' and combine.
Consider:
It went on for hours, one movie after another, the violence escalating. She knew what he was doing and turned away from the screen, but there was no getting away from the words, the sounds; Beth began to cry.)
reply by the author on 19-May-2008
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Very intense and nice plotting.
Here are a few ideas:
The door burst inward and slammed into the wall. He stepped inside and turned the key, locking them in. He tucked the key into his pocket and approached Beth. (Be careful about the use of too many sentences starting with 'He'.)
She backed away from him(cut ?from him?), shaking her head from side to side(cut ?from side to side?). "No."
---------
Beth heard him lock the door and cried in relief. She stumbled to the bed and collapsed. A moment later a TV screen, inset into the wall, came on. She stared at the monitor, fascinated, as the movie started. (She stumbled/She stared) A couple performed a variety of sexual acts upon each other. (delete ?upon each other?)
Beth blinked then glanced away, dragging a shaking hand through her hair. Porn wasn't exactly(cut ?exactly?) new to her. She'd seen pictures and magazines but this was the first movie she'd ever seen. (repeated words-- she?d seen/she?d ever seen?Consider:
Beth blinked then glanced away, dragging a shaking hand through her hair. Porn wasn't new to her. Her friends had shown her pictures and magazines but this was the first movie like that she'd ever seen.)
-------
It went on for hours, one movie after another, the violence escalating. She knew what he was doing and turned away from the screen, refusing to watch. There was no getting away from the words, the sounds; Beth began to cry.
(cut, 'refusing to watch' and combine.
Consider:
It went on for hours, one movie after another, the violence escalating. She knew what he was doing and turned away from the screen, but there was no getting away from the words, the sounds; Beth began to cry.)
Comment Written 19-May-2008
reply by the author on 19-May-2008
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Oh Freddie,
Those are excellent suggestions. I'm going in to make them right now.
Sure appreciate your eagle eye. You're the bestest!
Hugs,
Annabelle
Comment from Korton
OK, so he got one of the girls at Disneyland and the other at Sea World. The distance from Garden Grove to San Diego is about a hundred miles. The hideout location is probably somewhere midpoint between the two. Most likely a wooded type of area rather than the desert. That's a large area to cover. Very well done.
reply by the author on 19-May-2008
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OK, so he got one of the girls at Disneyland and the other at Sea World. The distance from Garden Grove to San Diego is about a hundred miles. The hideout location is probably somewhere midpoint between the two. Most likely a wooded type of area rather than the desert. That's a large area to cover. Very well done.
Comment Written 19-May-2008
reply by the author on 19-May-2008
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Hey Frank,
Yeah, I think the mountains will do better than the desert this time. Of course, there are so many places to dump or hide someone if you're careful.
We'll see!
Thanks so much for the R&R and the fine comments. I appreciate them,
Gayle