Comment from Sissy

Good

Hi Gayle!

I have some free time tonight and am catching up! (My two friends that are staying with me this weekend went to see the Belmont today, and they still haven't gotten back. Last I heard they were still by the track, so I'm waiting around to see what they want to do for dinner!

Things seem to be coming together here. Maybe a little too easy. The girls are almost out, Lenny and the crew seem to be closing in on Sam...what DO you have up your sleeve? I know you are thinkin' about something!

Some things to look over:

it's just coyotes and bob cats (bobcats - 1 word)

Oh, I'm so outa here (outta?)

Petrified, the girls pulled the board back toward them, raced across the room and replaced the mattress over the box spring.
Frantic, Beth scooped up the little pile of broken springs, ran to the bathroom and placed them behind the toilet. She hurried back to Audrey and they huddled together, staring at the door, terrified.
(Petrified, Frantic, ,terrified - all very similiarly placed. See if you see what I mean.)

She chuckled at herself (need 'at herself'?)

a middle(-)aged woman

He was very good(-)looking

'98 Honda, dark (How'd she know the year of the car. I couldn't tell a 98 from a 96 or a 99? Unless you did that for a reason...consider adjusting.)

Take care,
Sis

 Comment Written 07-Jun-2008

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reply by the author on 07-Jun-2008

If they wanted to see a Triple, they'll p'rolly want to eat worms. He came in last. :(

Poor dude. Okay, about the car...ya have to wait on that one. So, why would she know...lol.

I've pasted out the other comments and will make fix.

Thanks again for the time and wonderful comments,

Grins,
Gayle

Comment from davidray

Excellent

Howdy, Gayel!
I tried to be critical about this, but either my eyes aren't in tune yet, or you're just too darn good.
Must be my eyes ..... wink, wink.
Enjoyed this. Dialogue was bang on, I think, and the story flowed very well.
I'll be watching ya.
Hugs for a terrific day.
D

 Comment Written 30-May-2008

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reply by the author on 30-May-2008

LOL! David,

I'm glad you like this one. It's been loads of fun to write, for sure, scared myself good several times. Hey, so good to see you again and thanks for the great comments.

Hugs,
Gayle

Comment from Stephy Jemmisparks

Excellent

whoo. another girl! maybe that guy should just go see a shrink... its easier than casing everyone so much problems! Another chapter well done!

 Comment Written 29-May-2008

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reply by the author on 30-May-2008

We're closing in on him, Stephy. It won't be long now, for sure. Thanks for reading along and for the fine comments,

Hugs,
Gayle

Comment from bookishfabler

Excellent

I didn't see any nits or spags. Evil Eddie left you alone too. When I read the first part, I thought you were making it too easy on the girls, and then you brought up the car and the frantic rush to conceal what they did. Good show.
hugs
book

 Comment Written 29-May-2008

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reply by the author on 29-May-2008

Hey Heidi,

Thanks for the great reveiw.

Now, about the boxsprings. Did you have to suspend disbelief too much or did you think you could deal with what I made sound pretty simple and in reality would be very hard? Book to Book, what do you think?

Hugs,
Gayle

reply by bookishfabler on 30-May-2008

Honestly, I never tried to remove a boxspring, but I would imagine it wouldn't be that easy, and it would takes days to use one to cut through a wall. Have you ever seen The Shawshank redemption? It took him years, but his wall was much harder. Now you have a plaster wall, I assume, and two girlss, and a spring. Yeah it would still take some time.
book to book.
hugs
Heidi

Comment from Kym Jade

Excellent

Wow, this chapter has a lot of action. The girls are trying to escape but it sounds like he is bringing another back there. Lenny, Jim and the girls are closing in on Sam. Hope they get lucky and find his hideout. Excellent chapter.

Love and blessings

 Comment Written 29-May-2008

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reply by the author on 29-May-2008

Metcha Ladies!

Yeah, this story is ripping right along. Freddie hasn't had to tell me to get going once! See, I'm getting better! LOL!

Thanks for the wonderful support and review.

Hugs,
Gayle

Comment from RenieReader

Exceptional

Oh, my gosh! My heart is just beating a thousand miles a minute. That dirty louse has another girl. Does that mean he's going to try to keep all of them alive, or do away with one? I'm shivering. Great job of building suspense and hooking me big time.

Kudos, Gayle,
Renie

 Comment Written 29-May-2008

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reply by the author on 29-May-2008

OMG! A Sixer! Thank you, Renie, for the highest rating on this chapter. It is scary but hang in there, it's gonna get worse! LOL!

Thanks for being such a supportive and dear friend,

Gayle

Comment from Dave M

Excellent

Gayle,

This is an excellent chapter. You use a good mixture of events with the trapped women and with Lenny and Jim. The only comment I have is that you could use a few more speech tags. I know that some people say they interfere with a story's flow, but what interferes more is where you're not sure who is saying what, especially if three or four people are in on a conversation. Seems like this case is cracking open rather quickly, and that's a lucky break for the trapped women.

Here is one place where I think a speech tag would help:

"Terry said they're sitting on the back patio of a little cafe, so I guess we can bring the dogs." It's not clear who said this, Lenny or Jim. One simple speech tag would be all you need.

Dave M

 Comment Written 28-May-2008

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reply by the author on 29-May-2008

Hey Dave,

Let me check into those tags. Don't want the folks guessing.

Say, how did the bit with the springs hit you? Toooo easy, huh? Freddie mentioned it as did anaother reader. I've boxed myself into a corner with the room so bare and empty, that was all I could come up with.

Hey, good buddie, thanks so much for the comments and the high rating.

Hugs,
Gayle

reply by Dave M on 29-May-2008

Gayle,

I did not think that ripping up the box springs was too easy, at least not compared to other things in this story. Your villain, Sam Hudson, seems to be really stupid.

First off, he uses the same name for his legit purchases as he uses with his victims. The owners of the clown store remember him by the same name, Sam.

Second, he reveals the general location of his hideout by picking up a clown doll within ten minutes.

Third, he puts the women in a barn room with an outside wall. Men who have done this for real like to put the kidnapped victims underground.

Fourth, he keeps a very distinctive object, the vampire clown doll, in full view, on the back shelf of his car.

Fifth, he doesn't stop with one woman. Not only do the chances increase that a kidnapping will be botched, but by keeping the women together, he increases the chances that his victims could overpower him.

In my opinion, there's nothing wrong with this. Not long ago, a kidnapped young girl, hidden in an underground dungeon, text messaged her mother with her kidnapper's own cell phone. She was released one day after she was abducted, and the kidnapper was caught.

Anyway, these are my thoughts.

Dave M

reply by the author on 30-May-2008

LOL! That's why it's so much fun to write about psychotics! Smart as they think they are, they don't believe they'll ever be caught. They keep extensive diaries of "How I Did It", complete with what the cops call trophies, like fingers, etc.

He, being psychotic, never thinks for a minute the girls will give his name away. They're the walking dead.

Yes, indeedy, nutty as they come, but not insane in the legal sense. They just have a consumate ego which allows them to do whatever they want...like a 2 year old.

Hey, such fun, huh?

G

Comment from Jonez08

Excellent

Gayle excellent chapter, great progress. The girls and the boards had me on the edge of my seat and then the car description. Wow, very good.

revealed( a )both a weapon and a tool
I don't think you need this "a"

Cassandra

 Comment Written 28-May-2008

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reply by the author on 28-May-2008

Hey Cassandra,

I'm red-faced. Left that from a previous edit, but I nabbed the little dickens. Thank you so much for the sweet comments and your eagle eye!

Hugs,
Gayle

Comment from Sylvia Page

Excellent

Getting steamy now. Kept me engrossed to the end now the SPAGies

Audrey grabbed another, broke it off, then another. Soon a little pile of metal sat on the floor. She sat back, panting from fear and exertion and glanced at the door. This part is (pardon me) a bit far fetched. Those springs don't get broken or come off too easily. What happens is the bindings break loose and they pop up. So may be they were able to remove one or two not so many. Make it sound as though they cannot do it and as luck might have it with their combined strength they yanked one out and went for another in the same manner.

these boards prized [pried] loose,

Oh, I'm so[go?] outa here."

, strong atheletic [athletic] legs

replaced the matress [mattress] over

"Intricate detail here{, }and
Good ending keeps me waiting impatiently for the next chapter.
Happy writing
Sylvia

 Comment Written 28-May-2008

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reply by the author on 28-May-2008

Hi Sylvia,

Thank you so much for the graet catches. Fast fingers, I guess. I was flying through this. I went in and made the changes.

Where Audrey says..."I'm so outa here." That's slang, similar to 'like' in conversation.

I soo appreciate your time and eagle eyes! Here's a thumb!

Hugs,
Gayle

Comment from Rdfrdmom2

Excellent

Another good write, my friend. Isn't it strange how the human psyche seems to always desire that which they cannot have. Some good-looking girl must have ridiculed Sam when she came on to him and he could not perform. Now he is driven to "collect" them and show them who's boss. What a mess!

 Comment Written 28-May-2008

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reply by the author on 28-May-2008

You hit that one on the head, Jan.

Sam's got a couple of issues that would have led to some unkind remarks, which must have happened in his past.

Thanks so much for the great R&R! I so appreciate you reading along!

Hugs,
Gayle