The Watcher
Class warfare29 total reviews
Comment from Judian James
"I had never seen Pauline pet her cat. She always placed him on a chair nearby, he was more a decoration than a pet." You accomplished a great deal with these few short sentences in introducing us to Pauline's character. The ending was good and could go either way, depending on the reader. Maybe Pauline will die, or maybe our narrator is ready to kill herself in front of Pauline. Now wouldn't that ruin the "princess' " day?? excellent
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2011
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"I had never seen Pauline pet her cat. She always placed him on a chair nearby, he was more a decoration than a pet." You accomplished a great deal with these few short sentences in introducing us to Pauline's character. The ending was good and could go either way, depending on the reader. Maybe Pauline will die, or maybe our narrator is ready to kill herself in front of Pauline. Now wouldn't that ruin the "princess' " day?? excellent
Comment Written 24-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2011
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Hi Judian, thank you, I am real happy you understood that this was up to the reader which way it went. I know we are supposed to have resolutions, but I happen to like having to wonder sometimes? Great review my friend...shows you really read this. HUG! Susan
Comment from anne1204
This was a very dark story. Very good descriptions of the emotions of the maid. Smooth and skillful writing. I have had visitor from out of town no time to write. Maybe this week I will get back in to things. Anne
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2011
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This was a very dark story. Very good descriptions of the emotions of the maid. Smooth and skillful writing. I have had visitor from out of town no time to write. Maybe this week I will get back in to things. Anne
Comment Written 24-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2011
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Hi again! Good, I hope you will have a good time! Thank you for reviewing this too my friend! hugs, Susan
Comment from E.P. Thomas
Suse,
We have a woman who states she is thankful for her employment, but then she murders the daughter of the woman who has given her a roof to live under. There doesn't seem much motivation for it, so she must be mentally ill. The last line read a little odd. It seemed more like Pauline was going to met her destiny, not the narrator.
I've made several suggestions for tightening the writing in a couple of places, and then I corrected the punctuation errors.
I continue to be amazed at how prolific you are.
The estate exuded elegance. I felt fortunate to be employed here. The first few months proved satisfying. It was so much better than being homeless. I was finally safe from the storms. Sunlight dappled my room, but there was so much work to do I seldom spent time there. The dust motes needed chasing every day. I walked endlessly, my duster working furiously to keep them at bay.
"There you are, Reggie." I stroked his silky coat(,) and he closed his eyes as if in ecstasy. I had never seen Pauline pet her cat. She always placed him on a chair nearby(;) he was more a decoration than a pet.
"Come on (;) let's go see Pauline for a while." His purr became loud as I cradled him in my arms (,) and I wished he were mine.
When the alarm went off at six a.m.(,) I did not want to rise and leave the places in my dreams.
I slept fitfully that night, unable to relax (.) I dreamt of butterflies and .....
winged creatures (too vague)
The people who lived here {,} were kind enough, but somehow they always made me feel inferior. The simple tone of their voices {,} told me everything. And though I was the same age as their daughter, she would not speak to me other than to ask me to fetch something for her.
I began to watch {the} Pauline every day as she practiced.{the piano lessons that were given her by} Her mother was stern and strict and always wore black or dark colored dresses.
The music she played was always executed flawlessly (,) and the girl rarely showed any emotion as her fingers danced along the ivory keys.
She had thick {,} black hair, long and flowing (that matched) her elegant face. And I wanted to be her.
How was it fair{,} that one could have everything and another {,}nothing?
No one cared about me, except when they needed {,} or wanted something. (No subject, so no comma.)
Good luck.
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2011
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Suse,
We have a woman who states she is thankful for her employment, but then she murders the daughter of the woman who has given her a roof to live under. There doesn't seem much motivation for it, so she must be mentally ill. The last line read a little odd. It seemed more like Pauline was going to met her destiny, not the narrator.
I've made several suggestions for tightening the writing in a couple of places, and then I corrected the punctuation errors.
I continue to be amazed at how prolific you are.
The estate exuded elegance. I felt fortunate to be employed here. The first few months proved satisfying. It was so much better than being homeless. I was finally safe from the storms. Sunlight dappled my room, but there was so much work to do I seldom spent time there. The dust motes needed chasing every day. I walked endlessly, my duster working furiously to keep them at bay.
"There you are, Reggie." I stroked his silky coat(,) and he closed his eyes as if in ecstasy. I had never seen Pauline pet her cat. She always placed him on a chair nearby(;) he was more a decoration than a pet.
"Come on (;) let's go see Pauline for a while." His purr became loud as I cradled him in my arms (,) and I wished he were mine.
When the alarm went off at six a.m.(,) I did not want to rise and leave the places in my dreams.
I slept fitfully that night, unable to relax (.) I dreamt of butterflies and .....
winged creatures (too vague)
The people who lived here {,} were kind enough, but somehow they always made me feel inferior. The simple tone of their voices {,} told me everything. And though I was the same age as their daughter, she would not speak to me other than to ask me to fetch something for her.
I began to watch {the} Pauline every day as she practiced.{the piano lessons that were given her by} Her mother was stern and strict and always wore black or dark colored dresses.
The music she played was always executed flawlessly (,) and the girl rarely showed any emotion as her fingers danced along the ivory keys.
She had thick {,} black hair, long and flowing (that matched) her elegant face. And I wanted to be her.
How was it fair{,} that one could have everything and another {,}nothing?
No one cared about me, except when they needed {,} or wanted something. (No subject, so no comma.)
Good luck.
Comment Written 23-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2011
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Hi G! I thank you once more! I will jot these down and fix as soon as I get home later today!! I will see about making better sense of the first part too. ?? I was thinking, "crazy"...but it may not be clear? I really appreciate this G, you are great for taking time to help me. Happy Monday to you! ") Suse
Comment from Veekz
Envy is a hugely irrational emotion and one, I think, can lead to insanity if not there already. You have done well to describe here how it builds up and regardless of how you try to control it, it can seep into every part of your life and consume you completely. You've chosen a realistic setting and circumstances for the main character to start developing those type of feelings with coming from the impoverished background and I like how you have her being so grateful for being off the streets and having somewhere, focusing on the things she does have then losing sight of the those things as she starts to focus on what she doesn't have.
Great little tale! :)
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2011
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Envy is a hugely irrational emotion and one, I think, can lead to insanity if not there already. You have done well to describe here how it builds up and regardless of how you try to control it, it can seep into every part of your life and consume you completely. You've chosen a realistic setting and circumstances for the main character to start developing those type of feelings with coming from the impoverished background and I like how you have her being so grateful for being off the streets and having somewhere, focusing on the things she does have then losing sight of the those things as she starts to focus on what she doesn't have.
Great little tale! :)
Comment Written 23-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2011
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HI again!! I am spoiled! Three wonderful reviews from Jess!! Neat!! Thank you, it's super that you like these my friend! It makes it fun to write having a great fan like you!! HUG again! Susan
Comment from Fireshadow
Great narrative, Susan. I only wish you had expanded on the story. As is, you did manage to create suspense at the end, but personally, I would have liked to read a resolution to the suspense. But that's my own personal bias. It reads flawlessly as you present very well the evolution form gratitude to envy. The artwork is a perfect match. Very well done, my dear friend.
Ama
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2011
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Great narrative, Susan. I only wish you had expanded on the story. As is, you did manage to create suspense at the end, but personally, I would have liked to read a resolution to the suspense. But that's my own personal bias. It reads flawlessly as you present very well the evolution form gratitude to envy. The artwork is a perfect match. Very well done, my dear friend.
Ama
Comment Written 23-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2011
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Hi again! ") Someone else said this too! I will look at it and try to work on it some more then! I do like that photo. And thank you for a generous review...you are the best! Luv, Susan
Comment from Spiritual Echo
Now between then and now its like night and day.
I probably thought the original submission was in a flash fiction contest or I just didn't pay close enough attention.
This is soooooooooooo much better and flushes out the character. The fact she started from the streets and winds up on the edges of a life she wants makes this much more interesting. Your writing execution is always of the highest caliber.
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2011
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Now between then and now its like night and day.
I probably thought the original submission was in a flash fiction contest or I just didn't pay close enough attention.
This is soooooooooooo much better and flushes out the character. The fact she started from the streets and winds up on the edges of a life she wants makes this much more interesting. Your writing execution is always of the highest caliber.
Comment Written 23-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2011
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Hi Ingrid! Thank you! WOW! What a great review. I appreciate this more than I can express. I keep trying and just love it when someone appreciates the effort! You are so kind, and it is very helpful to have you read for me! Luv, Susan
Comment from Rama Rao
A fine story which showed the envy of a maid who had nothing for her mistress blessed with everything, including musical talent. What has he got that I ain't got? This is a standard question each person often asks himself. This is the basis of difference of class, which exists all over the world. The concept of the story was good, but I'm afraid you need to do some editing here. To name a few spags,
1. satisfying;
2. over and over again= delete again as it is redundant.
3. safe from a storm is not a standard expression or idiom-=home and dry.
4. The next sentence had too many clauses. Kindly break it into two.
5. his silky coat and he closed his eyes-comma. in my arms and I wished he were-comma before and.
6. longed for the piano to stop its incessant noise. -longed for the noise from the piano to stop.
7. sometimes soothing, but other times angry-sometimes soothing but often irritating. The two verbs before and after the conjunction should be in the same tense.
8. And though I was the same age as their daughter, she would not -here she is not appropriate. no one would speak to me.
9. flawlessly and the girl rarely-comma before and.
10. No one cared about me, except when they needed, or wanted something. No one is singular- they is not apt.
11. Rage suddenly ruled and I shook -comma
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2011
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A fine story which showed the envy of a maid who had nothing for her mistress blessed with everything, including musical talent. What has he got that I ain't got? This is a standard question each person often asks himself. This is the basis of difference of class, which exists all over the world. The concept of the story was good, but I'm afraid you need to do some editing here. To name a few spags,
1. satisfying;
2. over and over again= delete again as it is redundant.
3. safe from a storm is not a standard expression or idiom-=home and dry.
4. The next sentence had too many clauses. Kindly break it into two.
5. his silky coat and he closed his eyes-comma. in my arms and I wished he were-comma before and.
6. longed for the piano to stop its incessant noise. -longed for the noise from the piano to stop.
7. sometimes soothing, but other times angry-sometimes soothing but often irritating. The two verbs before and after the conjunction should be in the same tense.
8. And though I was the same age as their daughter, she would not -here she is not appropriate. no one would speak to me.
9. flawlessly and the girl rarely-comma before and.
10. No one cared about me, except when they needed, or wanted something. No one is singular- they is not apt.
11. Rage suddenly ruled and I shook -comma
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 23-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2011
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Hi there Ramarao! I will write these things down and work on this asap! Thank you very much! I am still working on your horse story! ") Happy Monday to you! Thank you again!! Susan
Comment from Patricia Forsythe
Hello Realist,
This story held my attention to the gradual jealousy of the maid increasing to the point of breaking down. It made me feel sorry for her as she worked for people who were portrayed to be cold - until she couldn't take it anymore.
Interesting. She had that deep down feeling that gnawed at her - the clash of the 'haves' and 'have nots'
Well done. You picked a good picture to go with this.
Pat
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2011
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Hello Realist,
This story held my attention to the gradual jealousy of the maid increasing to the point of breaking down. It made me feel sorry for her as she worked for people who were portrayed to be cold - until she couldn't take it anymore.
Interesting. She had that deep down feeling that gnawed at her - the clash of the 'haves' and 'have nots'
Well done. You picked a good picture to go with this.
Pat
Comment Written 23-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2011
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Hi Pat! Thank you for this wonderfully kind review. I am real glad to hear from you and to know you found this interesting too! HUG! Susan
Comment from Sasha
Insanity combined with just about anything can be pretty scary. I wasn't sure where this was going but you did a great job getting me there. I enjoyed this very much and am so pleased I seldom feel either jealousy or envy despite a few minor bouts of insanity. Very nice work with this one.
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2011
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Insanity combined with just about anything can be pretty scary. I wasn't sure where this was going but you did a great job getting me there. I enjoyed this very much and am so pleased I seldom feel either jealousy or envy despite a few minor bouts of insanity. Very nice work with this one.
Comment Written 22-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2011
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Hi Sasha! LOL! You are not crazy...just brave and outspoken, which is great! I admire you so much...and many thanks my friend for this kind review too! xoxo. Susan
Comment from Belinda
Ooops ... what an ending. Is she insane or what? Your author notes answers my question. Actually it is sad, how she feels. Come to think of it, your story has a good message for employers ... :) Good work, Susan.
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2011
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Ooops ... what an ending. Is she insane or what? Your author notes answers my question. Actually it is sad, how she feels. Come to think of it, your story has a good message for employers ... :) Good work, Susan.
Comment Written 22-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2011
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Hi Belinda! Thanks! Good point! I hope none read this tho. But, well. Thank you for this kind review!! Hug! Susan