Massacre
a short story about the Indian Wars22 total reviews
Comment from krowboom
You won the contest you won the race
You defeated your foe without using mace
A victory so sweet you claimed your prize
A classic car wash and a simonize
What a bloody battle a bloody mess
The soldiers were foolhardy I do confess
Memories of Custer and his hardy band
Made the same mistake in Dakota's badlands
Where the same Sioux slaughtered everyone
Custer and his troops couldn't run.
They fell for the same feint the same decoy
Deja vu my dear dear boy.
Good work and a good job
you've earned your gold watch and a platinum fob
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2014
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You won the contest you won the race
You defeated your foe without using mace
A victory so sweet you claimed your prize
A classic car wash and a simonize
What a bloody battle a bloody mess
The soldiers were foolhardy I do confess
Memories of Custer and his hardy band
Made the same mistake in Dakota's badlands
Where the same Sioux slaughtered everyone
Custer and his troops couldn't run.
They fell for the same feint the same decoy
Deja vu my dear dear boy.
Good work and a good job
you've earned your gold watch and a platinum fob
Comment Written 27-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2014
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Wow! I am flattered my story elicited such a narrative poem. Thank you, krowboom.
Comment from honeytree
I found the art work and words were written very well.
The cruel way of killing others happened back then
Many now are cruelly treated as well.
Is war worth it?
honey tree
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2014
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I found the art work and words were written very well.
The cruel way of killing others happened back then
Many now are cruelly treated as well.
Is war worth it?
honey tree
Comment Written 24-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2014
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Thank you for your review, honey tree, and your thoughts on war. RodG
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I loved what you wrote very much.
honey tree
Comment from rouskin
This really deserves to be a winner. Congratulations!
Outstanding write superbly presented with this complimentary
picture.Thank you for sharing and have a great weekend
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2014
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This really deserves to be a winner. Congratulations!
Outstanding write superbly presented with this complimentary
picture.Thank you for sharing and have a great weekend
Comment Written 24-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2014
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I really appreciate your enthusiastic review and kudos. Thank you. RodG
Comment from adewpearl
Excellent high-impact verb choices to add life and drama to this scene
effective use of the hapless hares imagery
Vivid and gruesome detail of the ambush
a very dramatic closing scene
Brooke
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2014
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Excellent high-impact verb choices to add life and drama to this scene
effective use of the hapless hares imagery
Vivid and gruesome detail of the ambush
a very dramatic closing scene
Brooke
Comment Written 24-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2014
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Glad you liked this, Brooke. Thank you.
Comment from Pilot2Pen
This is an excellent story which educates while being an easy read. Your details are excellent. Your portrayal of history is compelling. Fetterman was too arrogant to realize the Indians were intelligent, resourceful and many leaders like Crazy Horse were expert tacticians.
Good job and good luck.
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2014
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This is an excellent story which educates while being an easy read. Your details are excellent. Your portrayal of history is compelling. Fetterman was too arrogant to realize the Indians were intelligent, resourceful and many leaders like Crazy Horse were expert tacticians.
Good job and good luck.
Comment Written 24-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2014
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So glad you enjoyed the story. Thank you for sharing.
Comment from w.j.debi
You build the tension well in this short war story. Excellent descriptions.
This paragraph is almost poetic with the sounds and imagery you create, especially the last sentence and the alliteration of "hapless hares."
The fort's gates opened and more than 80 troopers raced out. Slapping heels against their horses' flanks, the soldiers leaned forward and sabers flashed. Hooves thundered up the trail after the retreating braves. On they raced, wolves chasing hapless hares.
Best of luck n the contest.
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2014
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You build the tension well in this short war story. Excellent descriptions.
This paragraph is almost poetic with the sounds and imagery you create, especially the last sentence and the alliteration of "hapless hares."
The fort's gates opened and more than 80 troopers raced out. Slapping heels against their horses' flanks, the soldiers leaned forward and sabers flashed. Hooves thundered up the trail after the retreating braves. On they raced, wolves chasing hapless hares.
Best of luck n the contest.
Comment Written 23-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2014
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Thank you, w. j. debi, for your wonderful review and for taking the time to tell me specifically what you enjoyed most in "Massacre.". When the contest is over, look at my profile. I think you might like some of the poem's I have posted.
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I look forward to it. :)
Comment from Winslow
Dear Writer,
Crazy horse was a great war chief for the Sioux people. You have to admire the courage and fierceness they fought with. A lot of good action in your story.
This could be improved by editing and replacing passive voice with active. That way the words carry much greater impact, and would fit very well here.
For instance this is a suggested edit for this section:
He and ten braves rode their ponies toward the fort, screaming taunts at those inside. An artillery shell exploded yards away from them, and sent rocks and shell splinters in all directions. Somehow he escaped unscathed, but several of his braves were blown off their horses.
He wheeled his horse, and raced toward those who'd lost their mounts. With his horse, he screened the others until all were remounted and then screamed at them to retreat. Pretending to be frightened, they raced away.
Good luck in the contest.
A fanstorian
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2014
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Dear Writer,
Crazy horse was a great war chief for the Sioux people. You have to admire the courage and fierceness they fought with. A lot of good action in your story.
This could be improved by editing and replacing passive voice with active. That way the words carry much greater impact, and would fit very well here.
For instance this is a suggested edit for this section:
He and ten braves rode their ponies toward the fort, screaming taunts at those inside. An artillery shell exploded yards away from them, and sent rocks and shell splinters in all directions. Somehow he escaped unscathed, but several of his braves were blown off their horses.
He wheeled his horse, and raced toward those who'd lost their mounts. With his horse, he screened the others until all were remounted and then screamed at them to retreat. Pretending to be frightened, they raced away.
Good luck in the contest.
A fanstorian
Comment Written 23-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2014
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Thank you so much for your marvelous review and the time you spent commenting and editing. Your suggestions are much appreciated.
Comment from Dawn Munro
Action-paced and full of great description, this little gem is a creative approach to the prompt. I enjoyed it very much. Strong narrative and an excellent plot, well-paced.
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2014
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Action-paced and full of great description, this little gem is a creative approach to the prompt. I enjoyed it very much. Strong narrative and an excellent plot, well-paced.
Comment Written 23-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2014
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I am delighted you enjoyed "Massacre" which was fun to write. Thank you for this great review.
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You are very welcome. :)
Comment from in777wr#
This was a well written story. The scheme by Crazy Horse was well planned. I was on the edge of my seat reading this. I did not know that this was based on actual events. Nicely written.
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2014
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This was a well written story. The scheme by Crazy Horse was well planned. I was on the edge of my seat reading this. I did not know that this was based on actual events. Nicely written.
Comment Written 23-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2014
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I am delighted this story kept you on the edge of your seat. I could not be more pleased. Thanks for sharing.
Comment from Daedalia
This was very intense. A great read. Your descriptions were vivid and believable. Your story is respectful of the Sioux and true to the factual battle upon which it was based. I enjoyed the tale.
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2014
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This was very intense. A great read. Your descriptions were vivid and believable. Your story is respectful of the Sioux and true to the factual battle upon which it was based. I enjoyed the tale.
Comment Written 23-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2014
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I am delighted "Massacre" was a great read for you. Nothing pleases a writer more than this kind of praise. Thank you.