Wilderness Redemption Road
Viewing comments for Chapter 8 "Lyin' Eyes"Shenanigans on the frontier
11 total reviews
Comment from Alex Rosel
A few things you might like to consider:
Red Mike squinted at Clancy. / "Clancy you know good and well I can't serve Mighty Beaver in here." -- I wouldn't have the paragraph break. It disassociates the action from the words spoken, and I found it a tad confusing. You can also nix one Clancy if this was a single paragraph.
You tend to include a lot of direction names in the dialogue. For example That wasn't very polite, Mike. Is this how people would speak in this time and setting? Just a thought.
Personally, I find the dominance of dialogue a bit hard to follow, given that you have numerous people speaking, and thinking. Perhaps having missed the previous Wilderness Redemption Road post doesn't help.
reply by the author on 10-May-2019
  |
A few things you might like to consider:
Red Mike squinted at Clancy. / "Clancy you know good and well I can't serve Mighty Beaver in here." -- I wouldn't have the paragraph break. It disassociates the action from the words spoken, and I found it a tad confusing. You can also nix one Clancy if this was a single paragraph.
You tend to include a lot of direction names in the dialogue. For example That wasn't very polite, Mike. Is this how people would speak in this time and setting? Just a thought.
Personally, I find the dominance of dialogue a bit hard to follow, given that you have numerous people speaking, and thinking. Perhaps having missed the previous Wilderness Redemption Road post doesn't help.
Comment Written 10-May-2019
reply by the author on 10-May-2019
-
Thank you very much for your kind words. I appreciate you taking the time to read and review my work.
Comment from Beri Bee
So, I chose it to read because I've enjoyed your short pieces. I read it through twice, carefully. On first reading, I got stuck, for a paragraph, when I thought that Mighty Beaver was a type of ale. (You know I can't serve Mighty Beaver in here.) I'm sure if I'd read previous chapters I would have known better, but it leads to my observation that your wonderful dialogue would benefit from a few physical cues. They are boring as hell to write, but the reader always needs a little grounding to visualize what the writer sees in his mind's eye. I am a huge fan of Kenneth Roberts' historical novels, and this has the feel of one... that is a big compliment from me! When I have time, I'd enjoy catching up on this story. It's very compelling from this mid-story chapter! Well done!
reply by the author on 10-May-2019
|
So, I chose it to read because I've enjoyed your short pieces. I read it through twice, carefully. On first reading, I got stuck, for a paragraph, when I thought that Mighty Beaver was a type of ale. (You know I can't serve Mighty Beaver in here.) I'm sure if I'd read previous chapters I would have known better, but it leads to my observation that your wonderful dialogue would benefit from a few physical cues. They are boring as hell to write, but the reader always needs a little grounding to visualize what the writer sees in his mind's eye. I am a huge fan of Kenneth Roberts' historical novels, and this has the feel of one... that is a big compliment from me! When I have time, I'd enjoy catching up on this story. It's very compelling from this mid-story chapter! Well done!
Comment Written 08-May-2019
reply by the author on 10-May-2019
-
Thank you very much for your kind words. I'm trying to put more show than tell in my stories. I hope you do read the others and get caught up. I appreciate your compliment regarding Kenneth Roberts. Thank you for taking the time to read and review my work.
Comment from LaFrance
Earl, another great chapter. Godfrey is sure a character. I wonder what's he up to? Not good I know that. I guess Roseanna.s boys prefer listening to the Indian fighting. Looking for to reading more
reply by the author on 07-May-2019
|
Earl, another great chapter. Godfrey is sure a character. I wonder what's he up to? Not good I know that. I guess Roseanna.s boys prefer listening to the Indian fighting. Looking for to reading more
Comment Written 06-May-2019
reply by the author on 07-May-2019
-
Thank you very much. Stay tuned for further developments with Godfrey. I appreciate you taking the time to read and review my work and continuing to follow the story.
Comment from Mastery
Hi, Earl. I like the way your story is progressing.
Nice images throughout like this: "She reached for the jug and smiled as she heard the sound of Nate's ax biting into a chunk of wood."
And here: "Godfrey was wearing forest green breeches, the whitest shirt Clancy had ever seen, highly shined calf length riding boots, and a purple cloak. Sitting on top of his head was a cavalier hat with an ostrich plume." (yes, I can almost see him)
And this: "Suddenly his legs couldn't hold him on his feet and he pitched forward. The last thing he heard before he faded into eternity was Smythe's voice."
Suggestions: Try to eliminate the use of the word "had" even though yu are referring to past tense. Many times you don't need it, like here for instance:
"Clancy had once asked Mike how he had come up with the tavern name. Mike had told him he had named it after King George III right after the Sugar Act had passed." Taking all of the "hads" out it will read like this:
"Clancy once asked Mike how he came up with the tavern name. Mike told him he named it after King George III right after the Sugar Act had passed." (Note the better sound, Earl)
I also do not believe the triple spacing is necessary and is a bit distracting to the reader...at least I found it was. But, then who am I? LOL
Good job, my friend. Bob
reply by the author on 07-May-2019
|
Hi, Earl. I like the way your story is progressing.
Nice images throughout like this: "She reached for the jug and smiled as she heard the sound of Nate's ax biting into a chunk of wood."
And here: "Godfrey was wearing forest green breeches, the whitest shirt Clancy had ever seen, highly shined calf length riding boots, and a purple cloak. Sitting on top of his head was a cavalier hat with an ostrich plume." (yes, I can almost see him)
And this: "Suddenly his legs couldn't hold him on his feet and he pitched forward. The last thing he heard before he faded into eternity was Smythe's voice."
Suggestions: Try to eliminate the use of the word "had" even though yu are referring to past tense. Many times you don't need it, like here for instance:
"Clancy had once asked Mike how he had come up with the tavern name. Mike had told him he had named it after King George III right after the Sugar Act had passed." Taking all of the "hads" out it will read like this:
"Clancy once asked Mike how he came up with the tavern name. Mike told him he named it after King George III right after the Sugar Act had passed." (Note the better sound, Earl)
I also do not believe the triple spacing is necessary and is a bit distracting to the reader...at least I found it was. But, then who am I? LOL
Good job, my friend. Bob
Comment Written 06-May-2019
reply by the author on 07-May-2019
-
Again I bow to the master, the suggestions you made looked good and the past urging for me to show not just tell are helping make this a better story. I appreciate your continued support.
-
Anytime, my friend. :) Bob
Comment from Gail Denham
Good - I like the dialog a lot - and the action. In one place I think a paragraph needs to be rearranged. It's "Mighty Beaver's hand shot out" should come before "This surprised Doo..."
just my thoughts.
good job.
and I like the double spacing. I keep forgetting to make my posts in bigger letters. They're hard to read on the page.
reply by the author on 07-May-2019
|
Good - I like the dialog a lot - and the action. In one place I think a paragraph needs to be rearranged. It's "Mighty Beaver's hand shot out" should come before "This surprised Doo..."
just my thoughts.
good job.
and I like the double spacing. I keep forgetting to make my posts in bigger letters. They're hard to read on the page.
Comment Written 06-May-2019
reply by the author on 07-May-2019
-
Thank you, I'm glad you are enjoying the story. I appreciate you taking the time to read and review my work.
Comment from lyenochka
Boy that Smythe guy is really bad news. I think I must have missed some past post which tells me what no good plans, he's up to.
I really appreciate that you showed us (readers) how it was in those days. Even as recently in the 1950's in some states, restaurants wouldn't serve people of different ethnicities at one table. So it was really like that.
Glad that Mighty Beaver did stick up for himself against Smythe even though he was so mild-mannered about not being served.
One capitalization which I think needn't be:
"If I need more money where can I find You?" (you)
reply by the author on 07-May-2019
|
Boy that Smythe guy is really bad news. I think I must have missed some past post which tells me what no good plans, he's up to.
I really appreciate that you showed us (readers) how it was in those days. Even as recently in the 1950's in some states, restaurants wouldn't serve people of different ethnicities at one table. So it was really like that.
Glad that Mighty Beaver did stick up for himself against Smythe even though he was so mild-mannered about not being served.
One capitalization which I think needn't be:
"If I need more money where can I find You?" (you)
Comment Written 06-May-2019
reply by the author on 07-May-2019
-
You didnt miss a post, I'm revealing it slowly. When you find out you'll say Damnnn. I appreciate you reading and reviewing the story
Comment from nancy_e_davis
Even though Fox can swim I don't think he is able to do that at present. Godfrey Smythe is thinking that
Doo and Clancy and Mighty Eagle are running up a tab of sins they'll need to answer for later. He is a dangerous man and they know it. Why trust him? Good chapter Earl. Nancy:)
reply by the author on 06-May-2019
|
Even though Fox can swim I don't think he is able to do that at present. Godfrey Smythe is thinking that
Doo and Clancy and Mighty Eagle are running up a tab of sins they'll need to answer for later. He is a dangerous man and they know it. Why trust him? Good chapter Earl. Nancy:)
Comment Written 06-May-2019
reply by the author on 06-May-2019
-
They don't trust him, but need the stake to get back to Ohio. Fox is doing his best dead fish imitation. Thank you Nancy for the review and the rating.
Comment from poetwatch
Well Earl I need points, but I'm also a western fanatic so i'll be reading so more. Though I haven't read your other chapters I gather that pig Smythe has it in for Doo, Clancy and Mighty Beaver. I guess you can scratch off Dirk Fox of your list. This is a good western story. I'm going to Fan you. :) Oh before I forget get your font bigger too small to read.
reply by the author on 06-May-2019
|
Well Earl I need points, but I'm also a western fanatic so i'll be reading so more. Though I haven't read your other chapters I gather that pig Smythe has it in for Doo, Clancy and Mighty Beaver. I guess you can scratch off Dirk Fox of your list. This is a good western story. I'm going to Fan you. :) Oh before I forget get your font bigger too small to read.
Comment Written 06-May-2019
reply by the author on 06-May-2019
-
I appreciate it poetwatch. I did make my font bigger as you suggested. I'm glad you enjoyed it I hope the next ones are as good. Stay tuned for further developments.
Comment from Tpa
This item is absolutely perfect for me. I must enjoy every single aspect of the item. I must leave that particular item and feel like I would tell someone about it, think about it or refer to it with confidence later during the day. The Author has paid particular attention to the language used and the words were chosen. Every single grammar issue has been resolved and there are no spelling mistakes. I would highly recommend this item to a friend.
reply by the author on 06-May-2019
|
This item is absolutely perfect for me. I must enjoy every single aspect of the item. I must leave that particular item and feel like I would tell someone about it, think about it or refer to it with confidence later during the day. The Author has paid particular attention to the language used and the words were chosen. Every single grammar issue has been resolved and there are no spelling mistakes. I would highly recommend this item to a friend.
Comment Written 06-May-2019
reply by the author on 06-May-2019
-
Thank you very much for reading and reviewing my work.
Comment from Shirley McLain
I enjoyed reading the chapter. It is full of action and strong characters. It held my attention until the last word. I didn't find any errors until I got to the last sentence and it didn't make sense to me. Just take a look at it. Have a great day. Shirley
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 06-May-2019
|
I enjoyed reading the chapter. It is full of action and strong characters. It held my attention until the last word. I didn't find any errors until I got to the last sentence and it didn't make sense to me. Just take a look at it. Have a great day. Shirley
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 06-May-2019
reply by the author on 06-May-2019
-
Thank you very much Shirley for reading and reviewing my work. The last sentence refers to an action in a previous chapter.