Anthrax
a bottle story15 total reviews
Comment from Katherine M. (k-11)
This is an excellent candidate for the 250 words Flash Fiction contest. The story line is smooth and clearly drawn, and the writing is fluid. Just once or twice the bottle comes across as over-anxious to be opened. I think if that could be played down a bit the end would be even more of a shock.
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This is an excellent candidate for the 250 words Flash Fiction contest. The story line is smooth and clearly drawn, and the writing is fluid. Just once or twice the bottle comes across as over-anxious to be opened. I think if that could be played down a bit the end would be even more of a shock.
Comment Written 26-Jul-2020
Comment from lancellot
Well, that was different. There are many questions but as this is a humor story, I don't think this is the place serious questions. As for the flash or twist in flash fiction, I think the gloves and the title gives a lot away, but some may not have noticed.
A well written piece.
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Well, that was different. There are many questions but as this is a humor story, I don't think this is the place serious questions. As for the flash or twist in flash fiction, I think the gloves and the title gives a lot away, but some may not have noticed.
A well written piece.
Comment Written 26-Jul-2020
Comment from Gypsy Blue Rose
Hello, anonymous,
A fine entry for the
Message in a bottle writing prompt contest.
-- I like the humor and wishing theme.
--Good word count.
--nice presentation
Good luck in the contest.
Gypsy
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Hello, anonymous,
A fine entry for the
Message in a bottle writing prompt contest.
-- I like the humor and wishing theme.
--Good word count.
--nice presentation
Good luck in the contest.
Gypsy
Comment Written 25-Jul-2020
Comment from Mia Twysted
I was taken back by the ending of this piece. There seemed to be so much magic with the talking bottle and all I expected the story to go in an entirely different direction.
I was left a little stand offish as I finished feeling I didn't have a sense of completion.
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I was taken back by the ending of this piece. There seemed to be so much magic with the talking bottle and all I expected the story to go in an entirely different direction.
I was left a little stand offish as I finished feeling I didn't have a sense of completion.
Comment Written 25-Jul-2020
Comment from Bill Schott
This message in a bottle story, Anthrax, is fun and provides a ridiculously humorous finish. Those gloves had it in for him for sure. Beware bottles baring gifts.
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This message in a bottle story, Anthrax, is fun and provides a ridiculously humorous finish. Those gloves had it in for him for sure. Beware bottles baring gifts.
Comment Written 25-Jul-2020
Comment from lyenochka
This is very clever! I like the dialogue between the bottle and the narrator. The reference to the story about the golden fish is funny and it's good you have the gloves! The punchline is the "anthrax" so maybe it shouldn't be the title. Best wishes in the contest!
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This is very clever! I like the dialogue between the bottle and the narrator. The reference to the story about the golden fish is funny and it's good you have the gloves! The punchline is the "anthrax" so maybe it shouldn't be the title. Best wishes in the contest!
Comment Written 25-Jul-2020
Comment from Darlene Franklin
This is a humorous story that has many applications. It makes me think of the current debate about whether or not to wear masks, of course, but it's also a perennial issue. Good luck.
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This is a humorous story that has many applications. It makes me think of the current debate about whether or not to wear masks, of course, but it's also a perennial issue. Good luck.
Comment Written 25-Jul-2020
Comment from thaities, Rebecca V.
That picture and your words go together well! I enjoyed this writing from beginning to end. This story should do well in the Message in a bottle contest.
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That picture and your words go together well! I enjoyed this writing from beginning to end. This story should do well in the Message in a bottle contest.
Comment Written 25-Jul-2020
Comment from Jannypan (Jan)
Haha only because of the glove wearing on at the end. You did a good job, Mystery Writer, with your contest entry. Your story flows well at a good pace. I like the dialogue, too. The image is a good pairing with your story.
Thanks for sharing and best wishes.
Respectfully, Jan
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Haha only because of the glove wearing on at the end. You did a good job, Mystery Writer, with your contest entry. Your story flows well at a good pace. I like the dialogue, too. The image is a good pairing with your story.
Thanks for sharing and best wishes.
Respectfully, Jan
Comment Written 23-Jul-2020
Comment from robyn corum
Dear Mystery Writer,
Well, you will notice from my notes below that I had some confusing moments while reading. I dont' know if it was me and my tiny, small brain or your story. I made some notes for you so you can take a look.
I will say that the format you'vve chosen to share your story has set you up to use TELLING over SHOWING to reveal the tale for your readers. Most writers will know this is something to avoid at all costs, but if you are new to it, you can Google 'showing vs telling' and find copious articles on the topic. The main idea is that the reader wants to discover things at the same time as the main character. They want to be submerged in the head of the characters and see, feel, hear, touch, and taste all the things they do AS they do - if that makes sense. When you merely TELL the reader what's going on, you give them an overview - a superficial version of events, rather than a deep pov submersion.
Anyway, here are a few more notes:
1.) "I wonder what's inside. I can see a piece of yellow paper, and I wonder what it says...
--> Actually, for thoughts you don't have to use quotation marks at all, but since you've chosen to open this statement with them you'll also need to close them, too.
--> which also means you'll need to consider using them throughout the whole piece for other speakers?
2.) No, a Jinny bottle.
--> genie?
3.) Need to add a flag for coarse language, please
4.) But I never thought (that fish) (would) actually waste my wish
5.) I need to know what they (hid) inside me.
6.) - Me, Gloves!
--> I don't know what the last line means. Anthrax is actually carried in the air, isn't it? So it wouldn't be absolutely necessary to touch it - just by opening the bottle and pulling out the letter, there's a good chance he released the particles into the air, right? (confused.)
--> also, you said he had wished for 'something unique and ancient' -- would anthrax meet this criteria? And why on earth would the fish send this to him?
I just don't get the gist of the story. Can you help explain it more? I do understand there was a word limit - but I strongly think some edits would help. I hope you won't think me too rude. Good luck!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
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Dear Mystery Writer,
Well, you will notice from my notes below that I had some confusing moments while reading. I dont' know if it was me and my tiny, small brain or your story. I made some notes for you so you can take a look.
I will say that the format you'vve chosen to share your story has set you up to use TELLING over SHOWING to reveal the tale for your readers. Most writers will know this is something to avoid at all costs, but if you are new to it, you can Google 'showing vs telling' and find copious articles on the topic. The main idea is that the reader wants to discover things at the same time as the main character. They want to be submerged in the head of the characters and see, feel, hear, touch, and taste all the things they do AS they do - if that makes sense. When you merely TELL the reader what's going on, you give them an overview - a superficial version of events, rather than a deep pov submersion.
Anyway, here are a few more notes:
1.) "I wonder what's inside. I can see a piece of yellow paper, and I wonder what it says...
--> Actually, for thoughts you don't have to use quotation marks at all, but since you've chosen to open this statement with them you'll also need to close them, too.
--> which also means you'll need to consider using them throughout the whole piece for other speakers?
2.) No, a Jinny bottle.
--> genie?
3.) Need to add a flag for coarse language, please
4.) But I never thought (that fish) (would) actually waste my wish
5.) I need to know what they (hid) inside me.
6.) - Me, Gloves!
--> I don't know what the last line means. Anthrax is actually carried in the air, isn't it? So it wouldn't be absolutely necessary to touch it - just by opening the bottle and pulling out the letter, there's a good chance he released the particles into the air, right? (confused.)
--> also, you said he had wished for 'something unique and ancient' -- would anthrax meet this criteria? And why on earth would the fish send this to him?
I just don't get the gist of the story. Can you help explain it more? I do understand there was a word limit - but I strongly think some edits would help. I hope you won't think me too rude. Good luck!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 22-Jul-2020