After The Picnic
A boy remembers summer116 total reviews
Comment from zwriter
Now that just isn't right, the way you sneaked into my family gathering back in 1958! It's obvious that you were there, because you simply know too much.
To be honest, I wouldn't have enough time to tell you everything I like about this piece of free verse. It is incredibly REAL, with a conversational style, but also a feeling of kinship with all people.
You use lots of great details, with a slightly unusual slant -- the somebody's something, the bullfrogs flirting, the faces being lost in the dark, the landslide of leaving. This is good stuff.
I also like the way you allow the images and story to speak for themselves. You don't resort to preaching or explaining or telling why it is meaningful.
As Archibald MacLeish would say, "A poem should not mean, but be."
- - -
This line needs a little correction:
"anyway we could until Grandma screamed:"
I suggest:
{any way} we could{,} until Grandma screamed{,}
- - -
Your talent and wisdom stands for all of us to admire and learn from. Thanks for a delightful read.
z
  |
Now that just isn't right, the way you sneaked into my family gathering back in 1958! It's obvious that you were there, because you simply know too much.
To be honest, I wouldn't have enough time to tell you everything I like about this piece of free verse. It is incredibly REAL, with a conversational style, but also a feeling of kinship with all people.
You use lots of great details, with a slightly unusual slant -- the somebody's something, the bullfrogs flirting, the faces being lost in the dark, the landslide of leaving. This is good stuff.
I also like the way you allow the images and story to speak for themselves. You don't resort to preaching or explaining or telling why it is meaningful.
As Archibald MacLeish would say, "A poem should not mean, but be."
- - -
This line needs a little correction:
"anyway we could until Grandma screamed:"
I suggest:
{any way} we could{,} until Grandma screamed{,}
- - -
Your talent and wisdom stands for all of us to admire and learn from. Thanks for a delightful read.
z
Comment Written 24-Apr-2005
Comment from Veronica Grace
This is a excellent addition for this book. As I read your poem, it brought back so many memories of summer evenings after family gatherings. I could see every scene and event and hear all the chirps, ribits and voice as I read this poem. I want to wish you all the luck in the world in the contest. There is nothing I didn't like about your poem.
|
This is a excellent addition for this book. As I read your poem, it brought back so many memories of summer evenings after family gatherings. I could see every scene and event and hear all the chirps, ribits and voice as I read this poem. I want to wish you all the luck in the world in the contest. There is nothing I didn't like about your poem.
Comment Written 24-Apr-2005
Comment from EmileJP
Well done, nostalgia mixed with tranquillity has been captured by your artistic pen and held motionless on the page. Reading this brought back my youth and the hot summers enjoyed by all. You have captured the essence of summers past and if you could bottle those memories you would be rich and in demand. The words you used to bring the life out of your poem were like a romp through a family photo album with family warmly reliving the captured moments in mind and imagination. The allure of your words was like being offered a cold lemon aid from the local stand set up by the neighbor kids, refreshing with a sweet after taste.
|
Well done, nostalgia mixed with tranquillity has been captured by your artistic pen and held motionless on the page. Reading this brought back my youth and the hot summers enjoyed by all. You have captured the essence of summers past and if you could bottle those memories you would be rich and in demand. The words you used to bring the life out of your poem were like a romp through a family photo album with family warmly reliving the captured moments in mind and imagination. The allure of your words was like being offered a cold lemon aid from the local stand set up by the neighbor kids, refreshing with a sweet after taste.
Comment Written 24-Apr-2005
Comment from Diny
You bring to mind summer time so well
I remeber the fireflies in the jar.... the frogs and crikets too
Your imagery is masterful and fits your name so well Its great to see you branching out and your poems are stories unto themselves excellant good luck in the contest
reminds me of the time the kids from californis came to the mid west and freaked out when they saw a bug with a light on its but...had to laugh
Write on...
DINY
|
You bring to mind summer time so well
I remeber the fireflies in the jar.... the frogs and crikets too
Your imagery is masterful and fits your name so well Its great to see you branching out and your poems are stories unto themselves excellant good luck in the contest
reminds me of the time the kids from californis came to the mid west and freaked out when they saw a bug with a light on its but...had to laugh
Write on...
DINY
Comment Written 24-Apr-2005
Comment from mfwilkie
Oh my. did you ever take me back to my childhood with this lovely memory.
The imagery was flawless. So good, in fact that I don't think that you need the exaggerated crash. Very nice.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
|
Oh my. did you ever take me back to my childhood with this lovely memory.
The imagery was flawless. So good, in fact that I don't think that you need the exaggerated crash. Very nice.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 24-Apr-2005
Comment from BlacKat
I could so easily feel transported back to a summer day with your words.
I think the rhythm of this line "and tried to scare the heck out of the girls" would work better with "the heck out of" removed, but that's just me.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
 |
I could so easily feel transported back to a summer day with your words.
I think the rhythm of this line "and tried to scare the heck out of the girls" would work better with "the heck out of" removed, but that's just me.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 24-Apr-2005