Betrayal
Viewing comments for Chapter 15 "Betrayal Chapter 15"In the title.
40 total reviews
Comment from Roxanna Andrews
Another great chapter. I am glad to hear that Grant is doing something to find Tania. I knew Monica would get caught, as I would doing something like that. Good thing it was Grant. Looking forward to the next chapter.
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2021
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Another great chapter. I am glad to hear that Grant is doing something to find Tania. I knew Monica would get caught, as I would doing something like that. Good thing it was Grant. Looking forward to the next chapter.
Comment Written 04-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2021
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Aw, thank you so much for the shiny six stars, Rox, and the lovely review. I'm so pleased you still enjoy my story. Happy New Year, my friend. :)) Sandra xxx
Comment from Cindy Warren
Oh, that would have scared the daylights out of me as well! But I can't blame Monica for taking matters into her own hands. The waiting must be driving her nuts. I know I'd be climbing the walls.
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2021
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Oh, that would have scared the daylights out of me as well! But I can't blame Monica for taking matters into her own hands. The waiting must be driving her nuts. I know I'd be climbing the walls.
Comment Written 04-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2021
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Aw, Cindy, what a great review! I'm so pleased you enjoyed this part. Thank you so very much for those brilliant comments, I'm a really happy bunny! Warm hugs, my friend. :)) Sandra xx
Comment from JudyE
A very happy New Year to you, Sandra. Monica's feisty nature is well shown here although she is hardly up to matching the likes of Colin, as we see. lol
Just a few points:
But before her fingers had managed to wrap themselves around the flask, her attention was diverted by the sound of a car draw up not far from where she was hiding. - should be 'drawing up'
The coffee was forgotten before the engine died and the lights went off - I might have said 'as the engine...'
The black, poker-face, barely visible in the dark, looked down at her - delete comma after 'black'
Monica wondered if he was a robot, his cold voice told her not to push it. She had no choice but to do as she was told. Once in position, he ran his hands expertly over her body, and satisfied she had no weapon he told her she could put her hands down. - replace comma with a period. And the next sentence needs to be moved down the page (insert a space)
'Move,' he told her, nudging her back with his gun.
'Move, I won't ask you again.' - replace comma with a period
I'm waiting for that lying slimeball to come home and then I'm going to beat hell out of him until he tells me where she is!' - comma after 'home'
She glared at them, daring them to try and stop her. - I'm not sure 'try and stop her' is the best phrase here but I can't come up with anything else. Maybe 'She glared at them, ready for some smart remark.'
Both men looked at her, wide eyed with astonishment. Grant brought his hand up to rub over his stubble beard in an effort to hide his lips as they curled into a grin. - maybe ' Grant brought his hand up to rub over his stubble beard in an effort to hide the beginnings of a smile'.
'Look, we haven't been idle, we have the beginnings of a plan. It's no good you rushing in and threatening him, he'd just laugh at you. All you'll succeed in doing is put yourself in danger.' - periods after 'idle' and 'him'
There was a moments silence before Grant spoke again. - apostrophe needed 'a moment's silence'
Stay there, I'll drive you home.' - period after 'there'
Best wishes
Judy
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2021
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A very happy New Year to you, Sandra. Monica's feisty nature is well shown here although she is hardly up to matching the likes of Colin, as we see. lol
Just a few points:
But before her fingers had managed to wrap themselves around the flask, her attention was diverted by the sound of a car draw up not far from where she was hiding. - should be 'drawing up'
The coffee was forgotten before the engine died and the lights went off - I might have said 'as the engine...'
The black, poker-face, barely visible in the dark, looked down at her - delete comma after 'black'
Monica wondered if he was a robot, his cold voice told her not to push it. She had no choice but to do as she was told. Once in position, he ran his hands expertly over her body, and satisfied she had no weapon he told her she could put her hands down. - replace comma with a period. And the next sentence needs to be moved down the page (insert a space)
'Move,' he told her, nudging her back with his gun.
'Move, I won't ask you again.' - replace comma with a period
I'm waiting for that lying slimeball to come home and then I'm going to beat hell out of him until he tells me where she is!' - comma after 'home'
She glared at them, daring them to try and stop her. - I'm not sure 'try and stop her' is the best phrase here but I can't come up with anything else. Maybe 'She glared at them, ready for some smart remark.'
Both men looked at her, wide eyed with astonishment. Grant brought his hand up to rub over his stubble beard in an effort to hide his lips as they curled into a grin. - maybe ' Grant brought his hand up to rub over his stubble beard in an effort to hide the beginnings of a smile'.
'Look, we haven't been idle, we have the beginnings of a plan. It's no good you rushing in and threatening him, he'd just laugh at you. All you'll succeed in doing is put yourself in danger.' - periods after 'idle' and 'him'
There was a moments silence before Grant spoke again. - apostrophe needed 'a moment's silence'
Stay there, I'll drive you home.' - period after 'there'
Best wishes
Judy
Comment Written 04-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2021
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Happy New Year to you, too, Judy. Hope you have a good one. Thank you so much for another helpful review, I really appreciate you. I'm going to go through your suggestions and corrections now. I'm really glad you are still following my story, my friend. Have a lovely day, warm hugs. Sandra xxx
Comment from rspoet
Hello Sandra,
This chapter reads very well with Monica rushing in and fortunately meeting Grant and not Colin. Impetuous woman, almost ruined the whole plan. :))
But she did get to meet Jeff and I detected a spark.
One possible snafu, Is Grant driving her in Monica's own car? Then how will he return?
The dialogue is smooth and believable.
Well done.
Great way to start the new year.
Best wishes.
Robert
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2021
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Hello Sandra,
This chapter reads very well with Monica rushing in and fortunately meeting Grant and not Colin. Impetuous woman, almost ruined the whole plan. :))
But she did get to meet Jeff and I detected a spark.
One possible snafu, Is Grant driving her in Monica's own car? Then how will he return?
The dialogue is smooth and believable.
Well done.
Great way to start the new year.
Best wishes.
Robert
Comment Written 04-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2021
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No, Jeff accused Monica of spying on their car. I'll have to write something in about her catching the bus or something. Hitch-hiking? Mmm. Thank you so much for the six stars, my dear friend, and another lovely review. Take care, and stay safe. We've just been put into lockdown again!! Warm hugs, my friend. Sandra xx
Comment from alexisleech
What a great chapter! I could envisage the scene when Monica was hijacked by Jeff and forced to get into the car. I was right beside her sharing the emotions you penned so well. I can't help but think a romance might be on the cards after Tania is found - Jeff sounds delicious!
Alexis xxx
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2021
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What a great chapter! I could envisage the scene when Monica was hijacked by Jeff and forced to get into the car. I was right beside her sharing the emotions you penned so well. I can't help but think a romance might be on the cards after Tania is found - Jeff sounds delicious!
Alexis xxx
Comment Written 04-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2021
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Thank you so much for the lovely six stars, Alexis, and the fabulous review. I'm so pleased you liked the scenes with Monica. More on that later. Have a wonderful day, my friend. Stay safe and well. I've just heard Scotland is now in total lockdown. It's about time our PM did the same thing instead of messing around. Warm hugs, dear friend. :)) Sandra xxx
Comment from l.raven
Hi Sandra, I didn't think Grant would be in the car...but I did think it was one of his friends that he hired...
well you have to say one thing...Monica is a feisty little chick...that could've gotten herself killed...
by now Tania could be dead...did you think about that????...
Noooo...you need to go out there and sit with Grant and his buddy...find out what's going on...how can you finish this story if you don't find her???...woo is me...
ok my amazing friend...I'm going to get to bed...I have to rise and shine early tomorrow...what a story...I thought it was going to be a love story between Grant and Tania...????...I love this chapter you...and always soooooo very well written sweet girl...Love you oh so many...Linda xxoo
everything is white here...snow...snow...snow...I love it...
say hi to Ian for me...xxoo love
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2021
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Hi Sandra, I didn't think Grant would be in the car...but I did think it was one of his friends that he hired...
well you have to say one thing...Monica is a feisty little chick...that could've gotten herself killed...
by now Tania could be dead...did you think about that????...
Noooo...you need to go out there and sit with Grant and his buddy...find out what's going on...how can you finish this story if you don't find her???...woo is me...
ok my amazing friend...I'm going to get to bed...I have to rise and shine early tomorrow...what a story...I thought it was going to be a love story between Grant and Tania...????...I love this chapter you...and always soooooo very well written sweet girl...Love you oh so many...Linda xxoo
everything is white here...snow...snow...snow...I love it...
say hi to Ian for me...xxoo love
Comment Written 04-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2021
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I envy you the snow. Down here in the South of England, the snow comes for about five minutes and then disappears. So will that stop you going to your brother? Or are the roads still safe to drive on? I don't want to hear that you've skidded and ended up in the ice-cream parlour! Noooo! The chocolate parlour, now that is different... best stay on the road. :))
Right, I guess I'm going to have to sort Grant out, just see what he's going to do, and what his final intentions will be regarding Tania's emotional side. I'll not have any messing about ... well, not much, any way!!
I hope you had a good sleep and feel refreshed enough to read this message. I don't want you falling asleep half-way through! Lol.
Love you, too, my dear friend. Take care in the snow, now sliding on you bottom. :) Lol, I can just picture you! Love you lots, and sending loads of hugs. :)) Sandra xxx
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Hey You, no I will still be able to go by my brothers...as long as it's only so much snow comes down...but no ice...but the ice cream part sounds good...
well!!! why don't you and Grant sit down for tea and crumpets....and work things out...put your foot down with him...just find Tania...
and I could never fall asleep reading your replies...I have to stay alert just to figure them out...who's doing what...and where...
I've fallen a few times on the snow...once that almost knocked me out...let me tell you...their lying about just how many stars there truly are in the heavens...because I saw them all...now I have my trusty snow boots...and they don't slid real well on snow....so I'm good...Thank You so much for caring...your a sweetheart....so take care and know I love you in big heap bunches....Love xxoo
Comment from Jay Squires
I love most of all, your control of the pacing in your novel. Without that pacing you wouldn't be able to maintain suspense adequately. A couple of things you may want to check on. I'm sure the firs one has already been pointed out to you.
Tania tried to make the binoculars zoom in, but it made no difference. [What? Tania? Or Monica?
Relief and shock colliding head on, creating havoc with her sensory system. [Wouldn't this be better with "Collided" instead of "Colliding"? Right now you have two introductory clauses strung together.]
He nodded, his smile spreading up to his eyes [I know what you're saying here, Sandra, but unfortunately, as a visual image it is comically inaccurate. The smile isn't that elastic! Perhaps if you left the smile "spreading TO his eyes" it would make it less visual. Am I making that clear?]
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2021
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I love most of all, your control of the pacing in your novel. Without that pacing you wouldn't be able to maintain suspense adequately. A couple of things you may want to check on. I'm sure the firs one has already been pointed out to you.
Tania tried to make the binoculars zoom in, but it made no difference. [What? Tania? Or Monica?
Relief and shock colliding head on, creating havoc with her sensory system. [Wouldn't this be better with "Collided" instead of "Colliding"? Right now you have two introductory clauses strung together.]
He nodded, his smile spreading up to his eyes [I know what you're saying here, Sandra, but unfortunately, as a visual image it is comically inaccurate. The smile isn't that elastic! Perhaps if you left the smile "spreading TO his eyes" it would make it less visual. Am I making that clear?]
Comment Written 03-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2021
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Thanks, Jay. Yes, the 2nd reviewer found the name change for me, which I quickly corrected. I'll also sort out those two other errors. Thanks for that. I was pleased to read you thought my pacing was good, that put a smile on my face. Happy New Year! Sandra xx
Comment from Tpa
A continuous amount of suspense as always finds its way in every chapter you write. Those chilling descriptions, "a gun in the back of the head" give intensity to the reader blending in with the circumstances that follow.
Congratulations on your award-well deserved.
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2021
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A continuous amount of suspense as always finds its way in every chapter you write. Those chilling descriptions, "a gun in the back of the head" give intensity to the reader blending in with the circumstances that follow.
Congratulations on your award-well deserved.
Comment Written 03-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2021
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Aw, thank you for the congratulions, my friend. I was so chuffed. And, thank you so much for this lovely review. Have a wonderful 2021, and stay safe and healthy. Warm hugs. Sandra xx
Comment from Ben Colder
Wow! She got a good scare but glad things are shaping up into something positive . I was hoping she would not tangle with Colon and it will be left another way.
Good one Sandy.
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2021
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Wow! She got a good scare but glad things are shaping up into something positive . I was hoping she would not tangle with Colon and it will be left another way.
Good one Sandy.
Comment Written 03-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2021
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Dear Monica always goes dashing in when it comes to her foster sister. Lol but she got caught out this time. Thank you so much for the lovely six stars, my dear friend. I'm so pleased you are staying with us. I'd miss you terribly if you had left. Sending you love and hugs! Take care. :)) Sandy. xxx
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By request, I am returning and will finish posting the conclusion of "A GRAIN OF WHEAT."
Yes Monica bit off more than she could chew this time. LOL.
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I'm so pleased!! :)) xxxxxxx
Comment from lyenochka
Whew! What a scare you gave us! So glad that it was Grant and Jeff who were in the mysterious car. It was rather dangerous of Monica to take things in her hands in her "galvanized decision!" But now she met Jeff and I'm feeling that Jeff will be a man in her future!
Monica rapidly come to the conclusion, (came?)
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2021
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Whew! What a scare you gave us! So glad that it was Grant and Jeff who were in the mysterious car. It was rather dangerous of Monica to take things in her hands in her "galvanized decision!" But now she met Jeff and I'm feeling that Jeff will be a man in her future!
Monica rapidly come to the conclusion, (came?)
Comment Written 03-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2021
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Thank you, Helen. I've changed the name, lol, I am always doing that with my sons when they phone me. Thank goodness they see the funny side of it and blame my hearing! They do sound alike, regardless of what they say!! I'm really glad you liked this part. Monica has rather taken a shine to Jeff, hasn't she, bless her. Lol. Thanks, my friend. :)) Sandra xx
