Betrayal
Viewing comments for Chapter 22 "Betrayal Chapter 22"In the title.
45 total reviews
Comment from nor84
Just so you know, the purpose of this review is to be helpful. I will point out any SPAG errors I see and rate according to site guidelines. SPAG means Spelling, Punctuation And Grammar. I may also comment on formatting issues. I will not give a five or six-star review unless I believe the work warrants it and I won't lie to you.
And if it costs me everything I own; I'll make sure he is!' -- I'll recommend using a comma instead of the semicolon. The semicolon makes the first part of this sentence a sentence fragment. Semicolons join two complete but related short sentences, such as : The package was supposed to arrive last week; it arrived today. In that example, the semicolon takes the place of 'but.'
I can't comment much about the story since I'm coming in late.
reply by the author on 24-Feb-2021
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Just so you know, the purpose of this review is to be helpful. I will point out any SPAG errors I see and rate according to site guidelines. SPAG means Spelling, Punctuation And Grammar. I may also comment on formatting issues. I will not give a five or six-star review unless I believe the work warrants it and I won't lie to you.
And if it costs me everything I own; I'll make sure he is!' -- I'll recommend using a comma instead of the semicolon. The semicolon makes the first part of this sentence a sentence fragment. Semicolons join two complete but related short sentences, such as : The package was supposed to arrive last week; it arrived today. In that example, the semicolon takes the place of 'but.'
I can't comment much about the story since I'm coming in late.
Comment Written 23-Feb-2021
reply by the author on 24-Feb-2021
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Good morning, Nor, thank you so much for looking through this part. I don't mind what the stars are, I just want honest reviews and always have. I know a fluff review when I get them, and that's fine, but I do prefer those who point out my errors. So, thank you again for reading through and checking this part over. I've changed the semicolon, and thanks for the tip! The brain isn't so young anymore! :)) Sandra
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Well, I'd bet your brain is younger than mine, girl. I'll be 87 in January.
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Lol! You've got a sharp brain and mind, Nor, and you can come and review me any time. I'm 74 going on 94 at the moment! :))
Comment from alexisleech
Fantastic! You portrayed the scene in Tanya's hospital room so well, with just enough detail to make it all convincing. The internal thoughts of Grant are intriguing, and will, no doubt made the ensuing chapters even more interesting. Well done!
Alexis xxx
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2021
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Fantastic! You portrayed the scene in Tanya's hospital room so well, with just enough detail to make it all convincing. The internal thoughts of Grant are intriguing, and will, no doubt made the ensuing chapters even more interesting. Well done!
Alexis xxx
Comment Written 23-Feb-2021
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2021
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Thank you dear Alexa, I really appreciate you continued support, you're reviews are always so encouraging. Sending you a big hug as well for the lovely six stars. Hugs and lovely my friend. :)) Sandra xxx
Comment from dmt1967
'Ditto (that)!' Grant added. (delete) I don't think it is needed.
Tania didn't say anything else, nor did she open her eyes again. Monica and Grant waited until (they were sure she had gone back to sleep, both realising she would heal better that way.) I think this is very telling. 'Had' is usually a word not needed and very telling. I also think the reader will realise sleep cures. There is no reason to say it. Or, if you do, say it in dialogue. (they heard her snore./ Grant locked eyes with Monica. "Sleep is the best thing for her," he whispered.
Grant (had) sat quietly, his anger raging inside. (delete)
Another really good chapter. Thank you for sharing and stay safe.
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2021
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'Ditto (that)!' Grant added. (delete) I don't think it is needed.
Tania didn't say anything else, nor did she open her eyes again. Monica and Grant waited until (they were sure she had gone back to sleep, both realising she would heal better that way.) I think this is very telling. 'Had' is usually a word not needed and very telling. I also think the reader will realise sleep cures. There is no reason to say it. Or, if you do, say it in dialogue. (they heard her snore./ Grant locked eyes with Monica. "Sleep is the best thing for her," he whispered.
Grant (had) sat quietly, his anger raging inside. (delete)
Another really good chapter. Thank you for sharing and stay safe.
Comment Written 23-Feb-2021
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2021
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Thank you, I'm off to sort that out on my MS Word copy. Then I'll post it over to here. Thank you so much for that. I'm so pleased you are still enjoying reading this book. Sending you warm hugs, my friend. :)) Sandra xxx
Comment from RShipp
What an intense conclusion for Chapter 21. I was sure wanting to read Chapter 22!
'The gentleness felt quite reassuring' (I could feel his concern.)
'with the straw inside' ( a great 'hospital' detail!)
Enjoyed the read.
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2021
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What an intense conclusion for Chapter 21. I was sure wanting to read Chapter 22!
'The gentleness felt quite reassuring' (I could feel his concern.)
'with the straw inside' ( a great 'hospital' detail!)
Enjoyed the read.
Comment Written 23-Feb-2021
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2021
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Thank you so much for this lovely review. I'm delighted you enjoyed it. Warm hugs, my friend. :)) Sandra xxx
Comment from Iza Deleanu
Romance at lastð?¤?Tania is saved and Grant slowly is falling for her. I can't wait the next chapter. Thank you for sharing and good luck with your writings
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2021
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Romance at lastð?¤?Tania is saved and Grant slowly is falling for her. I can't wait the next chapter. Thank you for sharing and good luck with your writings
Comment Written 23-Feb-2021
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2021
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Yes, Grant is realising he has feelings for Tania. Will Tania return them? Thank you so much, Iza, for reading this part, and for the nice review. Have a lovely week! :)) Sandra xx
Comment from L. Kalere
This is a good lesson for me in telling a story through dialog. Your style is so laid back and natural, which can be difficult to do. Thanks for reminding me of the importance of a balance of storyline, dialog, and compelling characters.
Best wishes, Linda
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2021
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This is a good lesson for me in telling a story through dialog. Your style is so laid back and natural, which can be difficult to do. Thanks for reminding me of the importance of a balance of storyline, dialog, and compelling characters.
Best wishes, Linda
Comment Written 23-Feb-2021
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2021
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What a lovely compliment, Linda, thank you so very much! I'm delighted you enjoyed reading this part. Warm hugs, my friend. :)) Sandra xx
Comment from JudyE
Your story continues to be very enjoyable and also plausible. It's good Grant is reconsidering his stance on women. Good mix of dialogue and narrative and just a few suggestions:
other one only opened up enough to let a slither of waving light in. - did you mean 'sliver' and 'wavering'?
The effort to turn her head was immense, it was just too sore. - replace comma with a period or semi-colon
'Where am I?' Her voice sounded abrasive, like it had been scoured with sandpaper. - not sure her voice could be 'scoured', maybe 'as if her tongue/throat had been scoured with sandpaper'. I like the sandpaper imagery.
Grant took the straw from her mouth. - maybe 'eased the straw'? - just a bit more descriptive
Monica came into the room having just been for a coffee down at the hospital's welcoming, but very noisy, cafeteria, and seeing Tania was awake, went right up to the bed. - this is pretty wordy. Maybe think about 'Monica came into the room, carrying a coffee she's purchased from the hospital's welcoming, but very noisy, cafeteria. Seeing Tania was awake, she went right up to the bed.'
'It was ... Co ... Colin, he wanted my new passwords. - replace comma with a period
Monica took hold of Tania's good hand, - at last mention, Grant had hold of Tania's hand but he could easily have let it go by now.
He surprised himself at the intensity of his feelings. - I might have said 'He was surprised.....'
Even though she wanted to stay she couldn't find energy to argue. - this is probably okay but I'm used to seeing '...couldn't find the energy...'
The head wound had been his prime worry. When he'd mentioned it to the doctor, he told him the x-rays showed there was nothing wrong with her head. - just to keep it clear who 'he' and 'him' are, you could perhaps say 'When he'd mentioned it to the doctor, he'd been told the x-rays showed ...'
I remember biting my tongue when my head hit the wall, it's so sore.' - replace comma with an ellipsis perhaps (is that what they call a dash nowadays? lol) or perhaps a semi-colon
The doctor assures me that there will be no long term damage to your spleen, it's the bruising that hurts the most, which I've been told will soon disappear. - period after 'spleen'
But, I promise you, you're going to make a full recovery, Tania.' - I would have placed 'Tania' after 'I promise you'
It didn't take long, it was like a curtain had parted and she was back in that room, living the nightmare again, she saw again that wooden table leg coming down on her. - 'again' appears twice. Maybe 'reliving the nightmare' then a period after it. Period after 'long'. You'd end up with 'It didn't take long. It was like a curtain had parted and she was back in that room, reliving the nightmare. She saw again that wooden table leg coming down on her.'
Cheers
Judy
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2021
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Your story continues to be very enjoyable and also plausible. It's good Grant is reconsidering his stance on women. Good mix of dialogue and narrative and just a few suggestions:
other one only opened up enough to let a slither of waving light in. - did you mean 'sliver' and 'wavering'?
The effort to turn her head was immense, it was just too sore. - replace comma with a period or semi-colon
'Where am I?' Her voice sounded abrasive, like it had been scoured with sandpaper. - not sure her voice could be 'scoured', maybe 'as if her tongue/throat had been scoured with sandpaper'. I like the sandpaper imagery.
Grant took the straw from her mouth. - maybe 'eased the straw'? - just a bit more descriptive
Monica came into the room having just been for a coffee down at the hospital's welcoming, but very noisy, cafeteria, and seeing Tania was awake, went right up to the bed. - this is pretty wordy. Maybe think about 'Monica came into the room, carrying a coffee she's purchased from the hospital's welcoming, but very noisy, cafeteria. Seeing Tania was awake, she went right up to the bed.'
'It was ... Co ... Colin, he wanted my new passwords. - replace comma with a period
Monica took hold of Tania's good hand, - at last mention, Grant had hold of Tania's hand but he could easily have let it go by now.
He surprised himself at the intensity of his feelings. - I might have said 'He was surprised.....'
Even though she wanted to stay she couldn't find energy to argue. - this is probably okay but I'm used to seeing '...couldn't find the energy...'
The head wound had been his prime worry. When he'd mentioned it to the doctor, he told him the x-rays showed there was nothing wrong with her head. - just to keep it clear who 'he' and 'him' are, you could perhaps say 'When he'd mentioned it to the doctor, he'd been told the x-rays showed ...'
I remember biting my tongue when my head hit the wall, it's so sore.' - replace comma with an ellipsis perhaps (is that what they call a dash nowadays? lol) or perhaps a semi-colon
The doctor assures me that there will be no long term damage to your spleen, it's the bruising that hurts the most, which I've been told will soon disappear. - period after 'spleen'
But, I promise you, you're going to make a full recovery, Tania.' - I would have placed 'Tania' after 'I promise you'
It didn't take long, it was like a curtain had parted and she was back in that room, living the nightmare again, she saw again that wooden table leg coming down on her. - 'again' appears twice. Maybe 'reliving the nightmare' then a period after it. Period after 'long'. You'd end up with 'It didn't take long. It was like a curtain had parted and she was back in that room, reliving the nightmare. She saw again that wooden table leg coming down on her.'
Cheers
Judy
Comment Written 22-Feb-2021
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2021
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Thank you so much, Judy, for another really helpful review. I'm going to copy and paste it to my Word docs, and work on it. The six stars were a lovely surprise, and I thank you so much for those, too! Sending you a humongous hug! :)) Sandra xxx
Comment from muffinmama
Perfectly written and a pleasure to read. Having crashed this party rather late in the game, I'm still trying to figure out who's who in terms of relationships. I need to go to the beginning to see what Grant's problem with women is.
Just a tiny typo: 'That he'd become so embittered and distrusting of the woman he met, was unacceptable.' Did you mean for woman to be plural?
And I think there might be a word missing here: 'To judge women the same because I was betrayed, is just ludicrous.' Did you mean to have "all" before "women"?
Waiting for the next installment.
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2021
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Perfectly written and a pleasure to read. Having crashed this party rather late in the game, I'm still trying to figure out who's who in terms of relationships. I need to go to the beginning to see what Grant's problem with women is.
Just a tiny typo: 'That he'd become so embittered and distrusting of the woman he met, was unacceptable.' Did you mean for woman to be plural?
And I think there might be a word missing here: 'To judge women the same because I was betrayed, is just ludicrous.' Did you mean to have "all" before "women"?
Waiting for the next installment.
Comment Written 22-Feb-2021
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2021
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Thank you so very much, Muffinmama, for this incredible review, and shiny six stars! And a big thank you for picking up on those two errors and letting me know. That was so kind of you. I'm so pleased you are still enjoying my story. Sending you warm hugs, my friend. :)) Sandra xxx
Comment from giraffmang
Hi Sandra,
Another good and solid continuation of the story. grant is very dutiful and I think Tania is in for an emotional rollercoaster.
All the best
G
A large, gentle hand took hold of hers and laid it on the bed, but didn't attempt to release his hold of her.- the use of his made me pause here. As the opening here is centred on Tania (it's her thoughts we're experiencing), she doesn't know that it is Grant until he speaks. It's a very minor thing and probably not that important.
for a coffee down at the hospital's, rather nice, but very noisy cafeteria, - I'm not sure about the comma placement here. I think the second one should come after noisy as it's additional information. if you take the comma section out as is, the sentence doesn't scan well due to the but. The but belongs to aside information.
Monica took hold of Tania's good hand, tears pouring down her own face. It had been years since Tania had called her Monka. She hadn't been able to pronounce Monica. How she'd like to get her hands on that monster. - I'm not fully sold on this little bit of backstory here coming right in the middle of such an emotional moment. It lifted me out a little.
It felt too much like a place he'd been before ... before he'd had his feeling torn to shreds. - should that be feelings?
That he'd become so embittered and distrusting of every woman he met, was unacceptable. - this struck me because he didn't appear to feel this way about his work colleagues, maybe a clarifier about his private life? The other thing is that this doesn't really come across throughout the story.
'How is she? she whispered. - closing speech marks needed in here.
He'd asked the doctor to give him the extent of her injuries and what treatment she would need.- would the doctor have been allowed to keep him appraised? He's not next of kin or family.
Due to her only relative, of sorts, was her foster-sister, the doctor had told him the full facts - I'm not sure that would be allowed still. I also think was feels awkward here and should perhaps be 'being. '
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2021
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Hi Sandra,
Another good and solid continuation of the story. grant is very dutiful and I think Tania is in for an emotional rollercoaster.
All the best
G
A large, gentle hand took hold of hers and laid it on the bed, but didn't attempt to release his hold of her.- the use of his made me pause here. As the opening here is centred on Tania (it's her thoughts we're experiencing), she doesn't know that it is Grant until he speaks. It's a very minor thing and probably not that important.
for a coffee down at the hospital's, rather nice, but very noisy cafeteria, - I'm not sure about the comma placement here. I think the second one should come after noisy as it's additional information. if you take the comma section out as is, the sentence doesn't scan well due to the but. The but belongs to aside information.
Monica took hold of Tania's good hand, tears pouring down her own face. It had been years since Tania had called her Monka. She hadn't been able to pronounce Monica. How she'd like to get her hands on that monster. - I'm not fully sold on this little bit of backstory here coming right in the middle of such an emotional moment. It lifted me out a little.
It felt too much like a place he'd been before ... before he'd had his feeling torn to shreds. - should that be feelings?
That he'd become so embittered and distrusting of every woman he met, was unacceptable. - this struck me because he didn't appear to feel this way about his work colleagues, maybe a clarifier about his private life? The other thing is that this doesn't really come across throughout the story.
'How is she? she whispered. - closing speech marks needed in here.
He'd asked the doctor to give him the extent of her injuries and what treatment she would need.- would the doctor have been allowed to keep him appraised? He's not next of kin or family.
Due to her only relative, of sorts, was her foster-sister, the doctor had told him the full facts - I'm not sure that would be allowed still. I also think was feels awkward here and should perhaps be 'being. '
Comment Written 22-Feb-2021
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2021
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I'm going to rewrite the doctor's part to show that Tania has added to her family doctor's information that Monica is to be regarded as her next of kin. I think that will cover that part.
I'm also going to sort out the two women in Grant's life. There are a couple of other points you've picked up that I'm going to look at. Your review is so helpful, Gareth, thank you so very much, my friend. :)) Sandra xx
Comment from lyenochka
Great job with this chapter and I like that Grant and Monica took turns to keep watch over Tania. I thought the "Monka" was cute as my middle sister-in-law was called that by her siblings.
I guess Grant is coming to terms with his real feelings about Tania.
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2021
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Great job with this chapter and I like that Grant and Monica took turns to keep watch over Tania. I thought the "Monka" was cute as my middle sister-in-law was called that by her siblings.
I guess Grant is coming to terms with his real feelings about Tania.
Comment Written 22-Feb-2021
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2021
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Thank you so much for this lovely review, Helen. Yes, Grant is beinning to realise his feelings for Tania, even though it's been happening for a while now. But what about Tania's feelings? Thanks again, my friend. :) Sandra
