Betrayal
Viewing comments for Chapter 28 "Betrayal Chapter 28"In the title.
38 total reviews
Comment from Bluesatinbutterfly
A very interesting read, the story flows very well and holds my attention. The characters are absolutely believable, right down to Mr. Drake, washing his hands of the whole thing.
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2021
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A very interesting read, the story flows very well and holds my attention. The characters are absolutely believable, right down to Mr. Drake, washing his hands of the whole thing.
Comment Written 06-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2021
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Hi there! Thank you so much for having a look at my story, I really appreciated it, and your kind comments. It's so nice to be told my characters are believable. Thank you! :)) Sandra xx
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It was my pleasure :)
Comment from tfawcus
The calm before a storm, perhaps! All seems to be going rather too smoothly! LOL Nothing like a wet T-shirt to stir the loins.
A couple of comma comments:
that might ruin, what had been, a most enjoyable morning. (I don't think you need either of these commas)
Monica sat on tenterhooks, as her boss, Mr Drake, stared, glassy-eyed. (Four commas in one sentence! Maybe this needs redrafting. I'd be inclined to reverse the first two sentences in the paragraph, i.e. Monika's boss, Mr Drake, pulled his spectacles off and rubbed his eyes as a mixture of shock and amazement played chase across his features. She sat on tenterhooks, as he stared at her, glassy-eyed,
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2021
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The calm before a storm, perhaps! All seems to be going rather too smoothly! LOL Nothing like a wet T-shirt to stir the loins.
A couple of comma comments:
that might ruin, what had been, a most enjoyable morning. (I don't think you need either of these commas)
Monica sat on tenterhooks, as her boss, Mr Drake, stared, glassy-eyed. (Four commas in one sentence! Maybe this needs redrafting. I'd be inclined to reverse the first two sentences in the paragraph, i.e. Monika's boss, Mr Drake, pulled his spectacles off and rubbed his eyes as a mixture of shock and amazement played chase across his features. She sat on tenterhooks, as he stared at her, glassy-eyed,
Comment Written 06-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2021
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Thank you so very much for the sixth star, Tony! It looks so pretty. Yes, much too calm but not for long. :))
Thank you for the edits, my friend, I've rearranged that paragraph, and tidied it up. I just wish I could stop decorating my words with those unnecessary commas! Thanks for pointing those out, too. I do appreciate you spending the time on my work. Hope your Easter was great, and have a wonderful week. Warm hugs, Sandra xxx
Comment from DeboraDyess
Don't hate me! I cut to the end ... but I'm still going to get caught up. Promise!
As if knowing they had a captive audience, they began leaping from the water, twisting and then diving. >> I know you've used the word 'dolphin' a couple of times in the first paragraph, but I think you need it here. YOu've just talked about the people, then used the pronoun 'they'. I KNOW you mean the dolphins, but ... is there another word for dolphin? I now they're not technically fish ... are they? NOt sure here. But I"d slip in a noun over one of the pronouns. Just my thoughts...
of her toned, and, extremely desirable >> No need for either of these
commas
sun is getting higher in the sky >> Not to be a total dufas, but where else would the sun be getting higher? I'd leave off 'in the sky'. :)
I did enjoy it.' Tania told him as >> I did enjoy it,' Tania told him as
that might ruin, what had been, a most enjoyable morning. >> No need for the commas. OH, no! I"m turning into a comma nazi again! :)
tenterhooks >> I haven't heard this before. Is it like our 'pins and needles', indicating nervousness? I like it!
a mixture of shock and amazement played chase across his features >> Lovely!
Her mind felt weary, With a deep s >> I think this comma was supposed to be a period. :)
I think Mr. Drake is too apologetic. He says it several times in just his few lines. Can he say something like 'I feel badly about this' for one of them? It might break it up some.
Okay ... I was a bit lost. I'll go back and get REALLY caught up. :)
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2021
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Don't hate me! I cut to the end ... but I'm still going to get caught up. Promise!
As if knowing they had a captive audience, they began leaping from the water, twisting and then diving. >> I know you've used the word 'dolphin' a couple of times in the first paragraph, but I think you need it here. YOu've just talked about the people, then used the pronoun 'they'. I KNOW you mean the dolphins, but ... is there another word for dolphin? I now they're not technically fish ... are they? NOt sure here. But I"d slip in a noun over one of the pronouns. Just my thoughts...
of her toned, and, extremely desirable >> No need for either of these
commas
sun is getting higher in the sky >> Not to be a total dufas, but where else would the sun be getting higher? I'd leave off 'in the sky'. :)
I did enjoy it.' Tania told him as >> I did enjoy it,' Tania told him as
that might ruin, what had been, a most enjoyable morning. >> No need for the commas. OH, no! I"m turning into a comma nazi again! :)
tenterhooks >> I haven't heard this before. Is it like our 'pins and needles', indicating nervousness? I like it!
a mixture of shock and amazement played chase across his features >> Lovely!
Her mind felt weary, With a deep s >> I think this comma was supposed to be a period. :)
I think Mr. Drake is too apologetic. He says it several times in just his few lines. Can he say something like 'I feel badly about this' for one of them? It might break it up some.
Okay ... I was a bit lost. I'll go back and get REALLY caught up. :)
Comment Written 05-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2021
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Aw, I don't hate you!! Your review was so helpful and I do appreciate it loads. Thank you so much, Debs, I've gone through them and made edits. I laughed at the sun being in the sky!!!!! Now, why didn't I think of that!? Sending you a hug, my friend. Have a nice week. :)) Sandra xxx
Comment from Cindy Warren
I have a feeling Monica is going to have a little help to make things work out. She'll soon have her own company. And Tania is having the time of her life. But between the lines some very dangerous people are plotting...Can't wait to see what happens.
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2021
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I have a feeling Monica is going to have a little help to make things work out. She'll soon have her own company. And Tania is having the time of her life. But between the lines some very dangerous people are plotting...Can't wait to see what happens.
Comment Written 05-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2021
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Thank you, Cindy! Yes, things aren't as calm as they appear. And I think you might be right about Monica! Thanks for another lovely review, my friend. Warm hugs. Sandra xxx
Comment from Mistydawn
It's a shame she lost her job, but I can understand where he's coming from not wanting to put everyone in danger. Hopefully, Tanya will follow through with her idea and this love between her and Jeff will continue to grow. Your chapter is very well-written, interesting, believable from start to finish. Like always, I look forward to reading more.
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2021
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It's a shame she lost her job, but I can understand where he's coming from not wanting to put everyone in danger. Hopefully, Tanya will follow through with her idea and this love between her and Jeff will continue to grow. Your chapter is very well-written, interesting, believable from start to finish. Like always, I look forward to reading more.
Comment Written 05-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2021
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Thank you, Misty, for this lovely review, and for the lovely golden sixth star. Life is changing rapidly for both girls, and for Grant and Jeff, too. More to come! Thanks again, my friend, I'm really glad you are still enjoying my story. Warm hugs. :)) Sandra xx
Comment from Robert Zimmerman
Hello Sandra.
In Tania's world dolphins are such showoffs. Imagine sitting in a boat and those clowns swimming around trying to get you was wet as they can. She seems to be doing well in the Caribbean with Grant. I once had a cast on my leg and my constant companion was a wire coat hanger that I would run down inside the cast to scratch all of the itches.
Monica, however, is not having is comfortable a time. Losing your job is a big deal, but now she will have the chance to start her own business. She mentioned how such a little innocuous thing with Colin started all of this trouble. I have an old saying that I really like: "big doors swing on little hinges." There is a romance between Monica and Jeff... I'm pretty sure. HAHAHA
Robert
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2021
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Hello Sandra.
In Tania's world dolphins are such showoffs. Imagine sitting in a boat and those clowns swimming around trying to get you was wet as they can. She seems to be doing well in the Caribbean with Grant. I once had a cast on my leg and my constant companion was a wire coat hanger that I would run down inside the cast to scratch all of the itches.
Monica, however, is not having is comfortable a time. Losing your job is a big deal, but now she will have the chance to start her own business. She mentioned how such a little innocuous thing with Colin started all of this trouble. I have an old saying that I really like: "big doors swing on little hinges." There is a romance between Monica and Jeff... I'm pretty sure. HAHAHA
Robert
Comment Written 05-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2021
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I've never broken any bones, (I'm now frantically touching wood!) but my youngest brother was rarely without a cast on some part of his limbs. And, like you, a coat hanger was always on him somewhere. :))
Yes, you are right, Robert, romance everywhere!! You've been right all along, but I wasn't going to tell you that! Lol. Thank you so much for another lovely review, my friend. Warm hugs. Sandra xxxx
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That's hilarious! I NEVER write about romance, I write about nostalgia.
Even though I don't write about romance, I'm not insensitive to it. I seem to be able to tell when it's rearing its head. Writing about romance with my economy of words wouldn't be very pleasant. Nobody would like it so I keep it all in the basement covered with old boxes. HAHAHA
Robert
Comment from Ric Myworld
Oh, yes, the girls have the big boys looking out for them and have them hidden in exotic areas. Maybe the girls aren't as safe as they would like to think they are. LOL. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2021
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Oh, yes, the girls have the big boys looking out for them and have them hidden in exotic areas. Maybe the girls aren't as safe as they would like to think they are. LOL. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 05-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2021
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Are they safe? Hmm. I'm not going to tell you, Ric!! LOL!! Thank you for reading, my friend, I'm always happy to see you. Warm hugs. Sandra xxxx
Comment from JudyE
I wonder what you have in store for Monica? You are keeping your reader on tenterhooks, wondering what is coming next. Good for you.
A few thoughts:
Even the slight bruising leftover on her face couldn't disguise the laughter - I think I would have made 'leftover' two words here.
Jumping onto the jetty, he made sure the boat was secured properly and then helped Tania. - delete 'and'
We'll just have another quick shower ... the dolphins' gave us one while we were sitting in the boat watching them,' - delete apostrophe after 'dolphins'
'Let's get you ready for your shower, Tania,' she said, putting her hand on the small of her back, Latifa steered her towards the stairs. - I think this would be better as '.... putting her hand on the small of her back and steering her towards the stairs.'
Monica sat on tenterhooks, as her boss, Mr Drake, stared, glass-eyed. - I noticed that someone else suggested 'glassy-eyed' and I'd agree with that. But then he pulls his glasses off so maybe something like 'her boss, Mr Drake, stared unblinkingly' although that's a bit clumsy too. I'm sure you can improve on either. lol
But, because he'd not asked her a direct question, and she didn't want to be the first to speak, she waited. Her hands loosely clasped on her lap - replace period with a comma.
Monica could see his regret was genuine and smiled. 'Thank you, Sir.' - I think 'Sir' would be lower case.
Once she'd finished collecting her things, she went around and told each of her friends she would keep in touch. Outside, with her bag of personal things, Monica took a deep breath. - repetition of 'things'. Maybe 'personal items/possessions/belongings'
'Well, that's that! I'm now unemployed, and, for the moment, unemployable. So, what name suggestions do you have to call my business? How about Fox's Financial Accountant?' Thank goodness I have some savings to tide me over. - apostrophe needed before 'Fox's and speech mark needed at end.
Her body slumped; her mind weary, she brought both elbows up to the table and dropped her face into her hands with a deep sigh. - period after 'slumped'. This sounds a bit 'wordy' if you don't mind me saying. I might have said 'Her mind felt weary. With a deep sigh, she put her elbows on the table and dropped her face into her hands.
Cheers
Judy
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2021
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I wonder what you have in store for Monica? You are keeping your reader on tenterhooks, wondering what is coming next. Good for you.
A few thoughts:
Even the slight bruising leftover on her face couldn't disguise the laughter - I think I would have made 'leftover' two words here.
Jumping onto the jetty, he made sure the boat was secured properly and then helped Tania. - delete 'and'
We'll just have another quick shower ... the dolphins' gave us one while we were sitting in the boat watching them,' - delete apostrophe after 'dolphins'
'Let's get you ready for your shower, Tania,' she said, putting her hand on the small of her back, Latifa steered her towards the stairs. - I think this would be better as '.... putting her hand on the small of her back and steering her towards the stairs.'
Monica sat on tenterhooks, as her boss, Mr Drake, stared, glass-eyed. - I noticed that someone else suggested 'glassy-eyed' and I'd agree with that. But then he pulls his glasses off so maybe something like 'her boss, Mr Drake, stared unblinkingly' although that's a bit clumsy too. I'm sure you can improve on either. lol
But, because he'd not asked her a direct question, and she didn't want to be the first to speak, she waited. Her hands loosely clasped on her lap - replace period with a comma.
Monica could see his regret was genuine and smiled. 'Thank you, Sir.' - I think 'Sir' would be lower case.
Once she'd finished collecting her things, she went around and told each of her friends she would keep in touch. Outside, with her bag of personal things, Monica took a deep breath. - repetition of 'things'. Maybe 'personal items/possessions/belongings'
'Well, that's that! I'm now unemployed, and, for the moment, unemployable. So, what name suggestions do you have to call my business? How about Fox's Financial Accountant?' Thank goodness I have some savings to tide me over. - apostrophe needed before 'Fox's and speech mark needed at end.
Her body slumped; her mind weary, she brought both elbows up to the table and dropped her face into her hands with a deep sigh. - period after 'slumped'. This sounds a bit 'wordy' if you don't mind me saying. I might have said 'Her mind felt weary. With a deep sigh, she put her elbows on the table and dropped her face into her hands.
Cheers
Judy
Comment Written 05-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2021
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Thank you so much, Judy, for another wonderful review. I've gone through all the edits and made a couple of changes. I ended up changing, 'glasses' into 'spectacles.' I did wonder about just putting, 'specs' which isn't so formal. I still might do that. I hope you've had a lovely Easter? Warm hugs, my friend. :)) Sandra xxx
Comment from Roxanna Andrews
Well done as always. Didn't see a single mistake. I wish I could do that. =] Now Monica's life has been effected. I suppose that happens often in life. Glad my life is boring. =] Looking forward to the next chapter.
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2021
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Well done as always. Didn't see a single mistake. I wish I could do that. =] Now Monica's life has been effected. I suppose that happens often in life. Glad my life is boring. =] Looking forward to the next chapter.
Comment Written 05-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2021
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Thanks so much, Rox. I don't think Monica will be too upset. Not with her bodyguard with her. :)) I hope you had a lovely Easter,my friend. :)) Sandra xx
Comment from lyenochka
A nice post here of the two couples. It seems that Grant is falling more in love with Tania but she doesn't seem as aware of him. But Monica and Jeff seem to be on the same page with their romance, like a mature couple already!
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2021
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A nice post here of the two couples. It seems that Grant is falling more in love with Tania but she doesn't seem as aware of him. But Monica and Jeff seem to be on the same page with their romance, like a mature couple already!
Comment Written 05-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2021
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Thanks, Helen. Yes, Monica is well and truly loved up. Tania is a bit slower at coming forward! I'm glad you enjoyed reading this part. Warm hugs, my friend. :)) Sandra x
