Betrayal
Viewing comments for Chapter 39 "Betrayal Chapter 39"In the title.
36 total reviews
Comment from Robert Zimmerman
Hello Sandra.
This is what I call a high energy chapter. There are two kinds of energy. There is potential energy and likewise kinetic energy. This chapter is full of kinetic energy as lots of things are happening. the doggies are close to getting their mouthful of Rapier. Rapier is close to going to the dogs. Grant is actually thinking to himself, how far he would go if he had to. This is lots of tension and lots of drama. The chapter moved in the direction of James Bond where there was little talking and lotsa doing.
This is a great example of showing rather than telling which is the key to good writing.
Robert
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2021
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Hello Sandra.
This is what I call a high energy chapter. There are two kinds of energy. There is potential energy and likewise kinetic energy. This chapter is full of kinetic energy as lots of things are happening. the doggies are close to getting their mouthful of Rapier. Rapier is close to going to the dogs. Grant is actually thinking to himself, how far he would go if he had to. This is lots of tension and lots of drama. The chapter moved in the direction of James Bond where there was little talking and lotsa doing.
This is a great example of showing rather than telling which is the key to good writing.
Robert
Comment Written 05-Jul-2021
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2021
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What a really lovely review, Robert, thank you so very much! I'm off to bed with a huge smile on my face. Thank you! Warm hugs, my friend. :)) Sandra xxx
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You're welcome
Comment from muffinmama
The plot thickens, as they say. Who's the traitor?
I love the part in the woods between Peter and the dogs on one side and Rapier on the other. I so hoped the dogs would not be shot.
Again, good use of dialogue to provide backstory.
I wanted to slap Rapier in the last paragraph.
Comments:
"On dropping his eyes to glare instead at his German shepherd guard, Ben gave a throaty growl, and..." - I'm pretty sure it wasn't Ben who dropped his eyes to glare at himself. First part of the sentence needs a rewrite.
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2021
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The plot thickens, as they say. Who's the traitor?
I love the part in the woods between Peter and the dogs on one side and Rapier on the other. I so hoped the dogs would not be shot.
Again, good use of dialogue to provide backstory.
I wanted to slap Rapier in the last paragraph.
Comments:
"On dropping his eyes to glare instead at his German shepherd guard, Ben gave a throaty growl, and..." - I'm pretty sure it wasn't Ben who dropped his eyes to glare at himself. First part of the sentence needs a rewrite.
Comment Written 05-Jul-2021
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2021
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LOL!! No, he didn't!! Lol. I'll go and sort that out straight away, thank you so much Ryma. I would have died had I seen that later. You saved my bacon! Thank you so much for this lovely, very helpful review, my friend. I really appreciated it! Warm hugs. Sandra xxx
Comment from Ric Myworld
It's always nice to tune in for another chapter of your find story, but even more rewarding to me is to open up my inbox and see your smiling face. Thanks for sharing and have a wonderful week!
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2021
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It's always nice to tune in for another chapter of your find story, but even more rewarding to me is to open up my inbox and see your smiling face. Thanks for sharing and have a wonderful week!
Comment Written 05-Jul-2021
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2021
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Thank you, dear Ric, for reading another part of my story. Not many left now. Warm hugs, my friend. :)) Sandra xxx
Comment from Sankey
This was great work and very dramatic. So glad I have another prose writer to review. You create a lot of emotions as we read your tale. Keep up the good work. No spags.
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2021
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This was great work and very dramatic. So glad I have another prose writer to review. You create a lot of emotions as we read your tale. Keep up the good work. No spags.
Comment Written 05-Jul-2021
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2021
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Aw, thank you, Sankey! What a lovely review. There doesn't seem to be many prose writers at the moment, does there? I'm delighted you enjoyed this part. Thank you so much for that lovely golden star, my friend, that was so kind of you. Warm hugs, Sandra xxx
Comment from Pantygynt
An action packed chapter, a real 'dog fight' out at the same time as my aerial 'dog fight'. We are paralleling each other it seems.
You leave us with the the question unanswered but having deopped a big hint. Perhaps we will find out next time.
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2021
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An action packed chapter, a real 'dog fight' out at the same time as my aerial 'dog fight'. We are paralleling each other it seems.
You leave us with the the question unanswered but having deopped a big hint. Perhaps we will find out next time.
Comment Written 05-Jul-2021
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2021
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LOL, I love that comparison of the two 'dog fights' that is so funny. We do seem to be going along the same route, but in slightly different settings!, lol. Thank you so much for this lovely review, my friend, and the golden star. I think you might find out who the traitor is next time. Warm hugs, my friend. :)) Sandra xxx
I'll drop you an email or a pm when I can come on messenger. I'm out again tomorror, dentist and I know I won't be able to speak until my mouth comes back to life, and Wednesday I'm having to go to the doctor, our new one hasn't met us yet and wants to check us over. He won't get much business out of us. It might be possible on Wednesday. I'll let you know. xxx
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I couldn't make it before Wednesday. Got the film crew crawling all over today and I am giving Penny a treat tomorrow a full groom with all the trimmings. Best of luck with the dentist and the doctor.
Comment from JudyE
So Rapier seems to be under control now which is a very good thing.
I picked up a few points:
Monica stood idly on the patio watching the dogs froliking over the lawn - spelling - frolicking
when her curiosity was caught by the change in the dogs' behaviour - I might have said 'a change'
'What are you making faces at,' Tania asked as she came alongside her. - comma after 'asked'
Tania tucked her hand through Monica's arm and stared, her concentration building when she saw Peter turn to see what had disturbed them. - to make things clear, I might have said '... to see what had disturbed the dogs'
Peter's eyes sharpened as he tried to see what had captured the dog's attention. - apostrophe - should be 'dogs' attention'.
someone was there who shouldn't be, and with the women in the house, and his newborn daughter, it was left to him - comma after 'and'
'Go get 'em, boys!' - there is an extra space at the beginning of this
The two dogs turned their heads and stared at Peter, then, on his command, they remained in position and kept guard. Returning their gaze to Rapier, lips bared showing their sharp, frightening fangs - replace period with a comma
Rapier stared at the evil looking dogs, - hyphenate 'evil looking'
The idea of giving up his guns, which would leave him at an absurd disadvantage, and at the mercy of the savage dogs that looked to be desperate to get their teeth into him, did not compute. - I might have changed this slightly to 'The idea of giving up his guns would leave him at an absurd disadvantage, and at the mercy of the savage dogs that looked to be desperate to get their teeth into him.'
A squeal of pain and then a thud, as Sam dropped to the ground with blood pouring from his shoulder, had Peter dashing over to see how badly hurt he was. - I might have made this two sentences, as the middle phrase is quite long. Maybe 'There was a squeal of pain and a thud, as Sam dropped to the ground with blood pouring from his shoulder. Peter dashed over to see how badly hurt he was.'
He'd brought him down and now with his bared fangs dangerously close to Rapier's face, he waited for instructions. - comma after 'now'
Peter looked around, there was nothing he could do unless he took his hand off Sam, and he didn't want to do that. - period after 'around'
Grant gave a wry grin, he was giving the vet a fair bit of business today - replace comma with a period
'So what happens to him now?' Reg asked, looking as if he could easily answer his own question, although not in the way Grant would.
Grant directed his icy glare at an uncomfortable looking Rapier. - hyphenate 'uncomfortable looking'
When he dropped his eyes, turning instead to glare at his German shepherd guard, Ben gave a throaty growl, and Rapier's act of bravado was immediately discarded and replaced by an expression of fear. - I might have said 'On dropping his eyes to glare instead at his German shepherd guard, Ben gave a throaty growl, and Rapier's act of bravado was immediately discarded and replaced by an expression of fear.'
He knew Sam and Ben well, and if they sensed danger, you knew they were right. - I might have said something like 'He knew Sam and Ben well, and if they sensed danger, it was wise to take heed of their warning.'
Coming into a clearing, his heart thumped at the sight of the man, he guessed was Rapier, on the ground with Ben leaning over him. - delete comma after 'man'. I might have reworded this as it's a bit unwieldy. Maybe 'Coming into a clearing, his heart thumped at the sight of a man on the ground with Ben looming over him. He guessed it was Rapier.'
'Finally, what I want to know now is,' Grant said in a low controlled voice. 'How the hell did you know where we were? - replace period after 'voice' with a comma
Cheers
Judy
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2021
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So Rapier seems to be under control now which is a very good thing.
I picked up a few points:
Monica stood idly on the patio watching the dogs froliking over the lawn - spelling - frolicking
when her curiosity was caught by the change in the dogs' behaviour - I might have said 'a change'
'What are you making faces at,' Tania asked as she came alongside her. - comma after 'asked'
Tania tucked her hand through Monica's arm and stared, her concentration building when she saw Peter turn to see what had disturbed them. - to make things clear, I might have said '... to see what had disturbed the dogs'
Peter's eyes sharpened as he tried to see what had captured the dog's attention. - apostrophe - should be 'dogs' attention'.
someone was there who shouldn't be, and with the women in the house, and his newborn daughter, it was left to him - comma after 'and'
'Go get 'em, boys!' - there is an extra space at the beginning of this
The two dogs turned their heads and stared at Peter, then, on his command, they remained in position and kept guard. Returning their gaze to Rapier, lips bared showing their sharp, frightening fangs - replace period with a comma
Rapier stared at the evil looking dogs, - hyphenate 'evil looking'
The idea of giving up his guns, which would leave him at an absurd disadvantage, and at the mercy of the savage dogs that looked to be desperate to get their teeth into him, did not compute. - I might have changed this slightly to 'The idea of giving up his guns would leave him at an absurd disadvantage, and at the mercy of the savage dogs that looked to be desperate to get their teeth into him.'
A squeal of pain and then a thud, as Sam dropped to the ground with blood pouring from his shoulder, had Peter dashing over to see how badly hurt he was. - I might have made this two sentences, as the middle phrase is quite long. Maybe 'There was a squeal of pain and a thud, as Sam dropped to the ground with blood pouring from his shoulder. Peter dashed over to see how badly hurt he was.'
He'd brought him down and now with his bared fangs dangerously close to Rapier's face, he waited for instructions. - comma after 'now'
Peter looked around, there was nothing he could do unless he took his hand off Sam, and he didn't want to do that. - period after 'around'
Grant gave a wry grin, he was giving the vet a fair bit of business today - replace comma with a period
'So what happens to him now?' Reg asked, looking as if he could easily answer his own question, although not in the way Grant would.
Grant directed his icy glare at an uncomfortable looking Rapier. - hyphenate 'uncomfortable looking'
When he dropped his eyes, turning instead to glare at his German shepherd guard, Ben gave a throaty growl, and Rapier's act of bravado was immediately discarded and replaced by an expression of fear. - I might have said 'On dropping his eyes to glare instead at his German shepherd guard, Ben gave a throaty growl, and Rapier's act of bravado was immediately discarded and replaced by an expression of fear.'
He knew Sam and Ben well, and if they sensed danger, you knew they were right. - I might have said something like 'He knew Sam and Ben well, and if they sensed danger, it was wise to take heed of their warning.'
Coming into a clearing, his heart thumped at the sight of the man, he guessed was Rapier, on the ground with Ben leaning over him. - delete comma after 'man'. I might have reworded this as it's a bit unwieldy. Maybe 'Coming into a clearing, his heart thumped at the sight of a man on the ground with Ben looming over him. He guessed it was Rapier.'
'Finally, what I want to know now is,' Grant said in a low controlled voice. 'How the hell did you know where we were? - replace period after 'voice' with a comma
Cheers
Judy
Comment Written 05-Jul-2021
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2021
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Thank you, Judy, for taking so much time on this part. I really appreciated it and I've made the corrections. It reads a lot better now. Thank you, my friend, for always giving a thorough edit. Have a wonderful day! Sandra xxx
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I always look forward to reading these chapters. :)
Comment from Cindy Warren
I loved that the dogs got to chew Rapier up, even if only a little bit. I probably would have sent him to the hospital needing stitches in some tender places. Too bad one had to get hurt, but I guess you have to keep it realistic. A guy like Rapier isn't going to put down his gun easily, and the dog will be okay.
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2021
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I loved that the dogs got to chew Rapier up, even if only a little bit. I probably would have sent him to the hospital needing stitches in some tender places. Too bad one had to get hurt, but I guess you have to keep it realistic. A guy like Rapier isn't going to put down his gun easily, and the dog will be okay.
Comment Written 04-Jul-2021
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2021
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Oh, I had to let them have a little nibble, Cindy, after they'd managed to capture him! Lol. Thank you so much for your lovely review, my friend, I've appreciated all your wonderful support. Sending you a warm hug! :)) Sandra xxx
Comment from l.raven
are you kidding??? who heard what???...
you know Dear Sandra...I was getting worried
with how confused I was getting these days...
but you truly make me feel better with all the
blanks you gets...hmmm...and still waiting to hear who
the snitch is...your going to be done writing the book...
and we still won't know...
I bet at Christmas your one of those people who never tell what their going the get...until Christmas Day...
but I must say...I am just that way...and so was my mother...
broke my heart Sam got shot...but I am so glad he didn't die...now lets get the information we need out of Rapier...
what an awesome chapter my amazing friend...gets better
with every post...story sooooooooooo well written you...
next....lots and lots of love coming your way beautiful girl...Linda xxoo
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2021
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are you kidding??? who heard what???...
you know Dear Sandra...I was getting worried
with how confused I was getting these days...
but you truly make me feel better with all the
blanks you gets...hmmm...and still waiting to hear who
the snitch is...your going to be done writing the book...
and we still won't know...
I bet at Christmas your one of those people who never tell what their going the get...until Christmas Day...
but I must say...I am just that way...and so was my mother...
broke my heart Sam got shot...but I am so glad he didn't die...now lets get the information we need out of Rapier...
what an awesome chapter my amazing friend...gets better
with every post...story sooooooooooo well written you...
next....lots and lots of love coming your way beautiful girl...Linda xxoo
Comment Written 04-Jul-2021
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2021
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LOL! I am! I never let on what presents they have, I mean Santa Claus wouldn't like me to do that, now, would he?? I am very pleased to know you don't either!!
Now, about my state of confussion, Linda, lol. It's a brain thing, and seeing as how I don't have one, you can understand how sometimes I forget to fill in the blanks! You must be patient with me, because sometimes I do remember and add them to the next part ... sometimes!!! Lol!
As I said to another reviewer, I couldn't let Sam be fatally wounded, I couldn't handle the hate-mail!! Thank you, my dear friend, for you lovely, funny, incredible review, and that shiny, gold sixth star! What a lovely way to wake up in the morning.
Love you lots, too, dearest friend! Hugs and love coming over the pond. :)) Sandra xxxxx
I think of you everyday, I hope the pain is easing a tiny bit. xxx More hugs. xxxx
Comment from Jannypan (Jan)
This was so intense, Sandra. I was engaged from start to finish. You did a great job with this chapter. There is great action, dialogue, and details that come out at the end about the mother. You ended with a great cliff hanger sure to draw readers back.
Thanks for sharing.
Respectfully, Jan
watching the dogs froliking (frolicking--unless the is UK) over the lawn,
had captured the dog's (dogs' ) attention.
he was told his family were ( was--family is considered singular) safe
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2021
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This was so intense, Sandra. I was engaged from start to finish. You did a great job with this chapter. There is great action, dialogue, and details that come out at the end about the mother. You ended with a great cliff hanger sure to draw readers back.
Thanks for sharing.
Respectfully, Jan
watching the dogs froliking (frolicking--unless the is UK) over the lawn,
had captured the dog's (dogs' ) attention.
he was told his family were ( was--family is considered singular) safe
Comment Written 04-Jul-2021
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2021
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Thank you so much, Jan, for another of your wonderful reviews. And a huge thank you for picking up on those errors. I've made the corrections now. Have a lovely week, my friend! Warm hugs, Sandra xxx
Comment from tfawcus
Another splendid chapter, Sandra. You describe the body language of the dogs wonderfully well. I'm glad you found it in your heart only to deliver a flesh wound! LOL
Nicely written part about Jose and his emotional state, and you leave us (as usual!) with a cliff-hangar!
Great!
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2021
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Another splendid chapter, Sandra. You describe the body language of the dogs wonderfully well. I'm glad you found it in your heart only to deliver a flesh wound! LOL
Nicely written part about Jose and his emotional state, and you leave us (as usual!) with a cliff-hangar!
Great!
Comment Written 04-Jul-2021
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2021
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I really don't know how it happens that there is always a 'cliff-hanger' Lol. I could have had Sam badly hurt, one, I love dogs, and two, I don't think I could handle all the hate mail I'd get!! Thank you so much for this lovely review, Tony, and that golden star! I was especially happy to see you thought I'd written the dogs' body language well. Have a lovely week, my friend, warm hugs. Sandra xxx
